Inhale, Exhale

by emilieleger @ deviantART.com

I am very flustered right now, for two main reasons. 

One, because I just watched the newest episode of Merlin, and two, because I don't know what the hell to do with myself.

Yes. The ending of 5x11 had me flipping out. It's so very exciting. I never imagined I'd be saying this, but I wish it were next week already. I'm going to need so many distractions to keep me from yearning for the 22nd and 24th. I guess I should be grateful that I'm actually able to watch series 5 without waiting until January or February or whenever Netflix plans to release it on streaming. I express my gratitude to the YT user who even made a second account just to be able to give us updates of the newest episodes (the episodes on her original account were deleted). I won't be able to rewatch any of the previous episodes of series 5 until they're available on Netflix, but that's all right.

Oh man. So much adrenaline. I didn't care so much for the actual episode because it was a bit slow and uneventful, but I get why it was necessary. Unfortunately, though, I gave myself a spoiler for the end of the next episode... pah. Oh well. 

I think I just need to remember that this upcoming week is the last week I have to myself before my brother rolls in again on Saturday. After that, I won't have much privacy, because he'll be hovering when he's not occupied with something else. 

Now, regarding the second thing that has me flustered... yes. This has been going on for maybe 2-3 days now, but I don't know what to do with myself, because my energy is scattered. This happens every now and then in what seems like cycles - I'll be intensely productive or interested in something (writing, drawing, playing a certain game, watching some kind of TV or film), and then that productivity and interest fades. I'm then left wondering what to do, despite having the enthusiasm. Right this moment I'm very interested in working on Eron stuff, or playing Sims or something, but the motivation is lacking... as if I know I'll get bored. It's very frustrating because I'm the type of person who always has to be doing something - otherwise, my mood goes down the drain. That's why I'm blogging now... because I need something in which to channel my energy and this was the best option. 

While I'm here, I guess I'll mention something that I've been thinking about ever since I read about it on tumblr: calcified pineal glands. I've mentioned this before but kind of let it go because other things were on my mind. Now that I've stumbled across it again, it's been inhabiting my thoughts.

This tumblr post basically discussed ways to decalcify and activate the pineal gland. It was disheartening to discover that a good majority of things on the list were incorporated into my lifestyle (mainly diet things). Here are some of those things:

•  Cheese, yogurt, ice cream 
• Meat (although sparingly, and rarely - if ever - red meat)
• Soda (I only drink ramune, which is a light soda, and only a few times a month)
• Eggs
• Fish & shrimp, which contain mercury (apparently, mercury is a poison to the pineal)
• Fluoride (in my tap water and current toothpaste, although I plan to switch my toothpaste after it's gone)
• Other toxins such as refined sugar, mouthwash, and deodorant

When you think about it, though, it makes sense. One could argue that it's natural for us to eat meat and fish, but milk products of another animal? Eggs? That definitely seems a bit odd to me. Maybe eggs are a bit more natural to eat (since other animals consume them), but milk products... definitely unnatural. 

I'm in quite the predicament here. Especially since I could never part with fish. I want to give my body a better diet, eating more plant-based foods... but is decalcifying my pineal that important to me? The only reason I would want to do it is so I could reacquire my body's natural sensitivity. 

Now, my stomach is already sensitive. IBS stuff. Sometimes I just deal with the pain to eat what I want. And no matter how much I want to eat a diet mainly consisting of plant-based foods, I still can't help but worry that I'll be too attached to all the stuff I'm accustomed to - especially fish (sushi!) and pasta. I pay close attention to my cravings each day and find that the majority of those cravings (I'd say 90-95%) are for carbs and proteins (mainly carbs). 5% of those cravings are for fruit, veggies, or dairy products like yogurt. If I hardly crave fruits and veggies, how will I convince myself to eat them as much as I eat pasta, sushi, and other proteins/carbs? Is it just something that I'll have to wean myself on? That will take a lot of dedication and strict rules? Probably. That's how it always is, right?

I guess that's where mindful eating comes into play. I've been practicing the art of mindful eating for a while now, and have found that, for the most part, it does prevent me from eating a lot more during the day. Sometimes, not so much. So if I'm aiming for a plant-based diet, will I have to program my body to enjoy that instead? 

I remember reading all those articles about spiritual development/awakening and how one should expect their dietary needs to change drastically during the process. That never really happened with me. Not to a significant degree, anyway. Although I wanted to eat more plant-based foods, my body never demanded it. It was perfectly okay with pasta, fish, eggs, a bit of processed junk, and dairy (at least products that weren't extremely milk-heavy), with fruits and veggies mixed in when desired. Although one big change did happen: I grew less fond of meat.. especially steak. I used to crave steak so often - used to yearn for one after seeing an image - but now I don't think twice about it. 

It's definitely a big question. Maybe if my diet was as horrible as that of many other Americans, this would be more of a deal to me. I don't know if I should just continue following my cravings like I've always done, or make major alterations to my diet, despite having cravings for other things. Most of my cravings are for standard nutrients like proteins, carbs, fiber, vitamin C, etc. Yes, I do occasionally crave something sweet, but not anything that's heavy in fat, like cake (I actually avoid cake now, unless in small doses... can't handle rich sweets that well). Chocolate, of course.

I do know that once mom gets back into her raw diet, I'll be coming with her to the farmer's market and making an investment in foods and snacks that are actually good for me. She's just waiting till all the holiday stuff and trips are over so that she can make solid progress.

Hmmm. Decisions, decisions...

Before I run off and figure out what to do with myself, I wanted to mention that I'm feeling inclined for an artistic challenge of sorts: a drawing a day for 2013. There are many days when I don't draw... especially when I'm on break (for obvious reasons). But I still do want to improve my art skills, and if I'm going to do that, I need to keep practicing outside of school. So yeah. Will keep this in mind... 

Here's another Eron-themed tune from TSFH: "Blizzard," which I feel also suits the story very well: