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| By Dave Palumbo |
Autumn already. Where did my precious summer go? I mean, I love all seasons, but man, I'm not ready for the cold yet. It's already getting cooler here... and Georgia only has like two weeks of this perfect autumn weather before it suddenly decides it wants winter weather, instead. Fortunately, my room is the warmest in the house during the cold seasons. Thank you, sunlight.
Now, the real news... I'm a teensy bit stressed out right now.
And by "teensy bit," I mean "highly, but I just distract myself well." Turns out my dad is leaving for his overseas job in the next two to three weeks. Like, really leaving. He's now in overdrive as he has to finish up all the things he needs to take care of before he goes away... for a year. To be honest, I'm kind of... relieved that he's going, for two reasons: one, because my parents could really use the money, and two, because I could sure use the break from having him chew my arse every day. He was even chewing my arse about cleaning my room (seriously? I'm twenty years old, here...), which I found highly insulting because, as he well knows, I'm a responsible offspring.
So where does this leave me? In panic mode. I've been putting off "progression" on my own path for as long as possible... maybe because I'm still clinging to my young adulthood. I still know next to nothing about how the "real world" works. But somehow, that's not what scares me most. What scares me most is that my plan to attend the University of Metaphysical Sciences long-distance is kind of crumbling apart. I haven't touched spirituality since late June/early July. I've been spending all my time immersed in the physical, playing GW2, meeting beautiful people, and even drawing in hopes that I can make some extra cash.
I'm not sure if the spiritual mindset is something you can just force yourself back into. I mean, the interest is still there, but I've been away in the physical so long that it feels so foreign to me. I still want to help people. I still want to do intuitive art and those nifty "Dream-walks" and perhaps even one day teach what I know. But is returning to a spiritual mindset something that I have to take into my own hands?
I think so. For a while, I've been "waiting around" to see whether that spark would come back. People have been nosing around my intuitive art FB and the like, so I figured: maybe that'll rekindle the flame. But nope. I'm still sitting here, as far from spirituality as I can possibly be...
I need to come up with something, and quickly. I don't have a year to spend in schooling, so I'm wondering if perhaps I should just find some quicker (and more affordable) classes that'll help boost my skill and earn me some credentials. Will that be enough to sustain me for now? I have no idea. It's a bit of a scary thought.
Lately, I've been feeling... shameful? My parents continue to probe and lecture me about the "real world," and how kids in the 21st century are spoiled, and it makes me regret, in some ways, being who I am, and having this view on life that I have. I wish I could just suck it up and be like every other young adult, able to throw myself into piles of stress at college or crappy retail jobs... but I can't.
For now, the least I can do is work my butt off drawing, and hope someone likes my work enough to pay me for it...
Normally, I post most of my readings in my private blog, but I felt this one is just so darned accurate/relevant that it belongs here.
I pulled out my beloved Mary-el tarot because for weeks, I've been feeling the need to draw from it. So while my PC was installing updates, I sat and focused on three that best described my situation. I called on Pierre, since his energy is the one I associate with this deck, but something unimaginable happened: I couldn't feel him. It felt forced. Perhaps it's been so long that I've lost touch with these guiding energies... I guess I'll find out soon enough.
So I just called on Andromeda, or Adonai, or whatever consciousness is out there. And here's what I ended up with:
- The Devil. Cages, prisons, bondage. Hell. Lies, illusions. The need to keep solidarity in your beliefs, continue to do what is right no matter what should happen. Use the power and force of your fate for good, channel and direct it toward your destiny rather than your destruction. Your shadow side.
- The High Priestess. Mysteries. Feminine, internal knowledge. Look within for answers. What is hidden, secret, occult. Deep, ancient knowledge. Create contrast or polarity.
- 8 of Swords. An unsolved problem, fear, grief, suffering, self-inflicted suffering. Change thoughts, change actions, change cycles. Echo, reverberation. Keep your heart light. Imagine what you desire and nothing else. Know and be true to yourself.
Yup. Pretty accurate... especially that 8 of Swords. But a lot of important tidbits were brought up here, and it's given me quite a bit of perspective on how to handle my situation. So in other words: I have a starting point now. Over these past several days, I've been trying to stick my feet back into all things spiritual. But I think before I start working with other people again, I need to work on myself.
Time to crack out the pretty music.
It's the simple things, I swear.
So... I recently had company over. Brother, godfather, and grandfather. They wanted to see dad one more time before he heads overseas (assuming he's actually going; we still don't know for sure yet). Of course, this was crappy for me, because it meant one big thing: no solitude. Or, solitude, but my whole family thinking I'm antisocial and bitter.
It was rough. After my last rant, my feelings worsened as my brother and parents kept reminding me how I'm so different from them. My brother would lay around on my bed, criticizing or commenting on the way I play GW2, or sticking his phone in my face to show me all the things he was reading on Reddit. Then, when I made it clear I wanted alone time, he would say I have "attitude." Rinse and repeat each day for about a week.
I'm always the one who has to compensate. Evaah can't be left alone to be an introvert; no, she has to step up and be an extravert and drain her energy in the process. And for what purpose? To let my family criticize, make fun of, or ignore me? The most I did was eat with them and bid them good morning/night. For the rest of the time they were here, I was sequestered away in my room, because they just don't seem to get it.
It's always the same thing every time they visit. Well, mainly every time my brother visits... but still. I know how it works, and I want nothing to do with it. I refuse to drain myself just to make my family happy.
So this past week has been a bit emotionally taxing. Fortunately I had a few GW friends to keep me sane. But it all tied in to my feelings of loneliness, of being another body in the room, of acquiring interest only when I have something useful to offer, etc. And I had a realization...
Does all this have to do with the way I see myself? After reading Tri and Lulu's kind replies to my rant, and hearing myself talk to a couple of GW2 buddies, well... it made me realize just how insecure I am. But that insecurity stems from years of being treated like a shadow, a number, a body... years of being ignored by my family and compared to my brother.
Years of dealing with people who never wanted to spend energy on someone as introverted as I am.
I've allowed myself to believe that all these people are right: that I am all the things listed above. And because of that, I often find myself in these situations, where I feel extreme loneliness.
I never wanted to be "that chick" who constantly whines, complains, mourns, and rants. But you know what? Even if I don't always feel like it, I'm just as human as anyone else, and it sickens me that humans have the capability to make each other feel like this. Here I am, working my tiny arse off to make people happy and comfortable... yet thanks to years of manifested Wounded Child archetype, I'm so insecure that I feel I don't deserve any kindness or consideration in return.
Wow. That sucks.
So... it looks like I have quite a project in front of me. I'm not quite sure how to begin. I'm sure Andromeda will have an answer soon enough, though.
Insecurity for the win.
