Indisposed

by hoooook @ deviantART

 So I've been spending the last 3-4 days lying in bed watching episodes of Merlin. Why? Because I encountered a health problem brought about by my Thanksgiving trip that has left me pained and unproductive since mid-Monday. 

I won't go into detail, but it hasn't been pleasant. I can't manage to sit up for long periods of time and because I've been spending most of my time lying in bed, my body aches. I spent the first couple of days trying natural remedies, but none of those seemed to be working, so I finally succumbed to over-the-counter drugs. They have provided some relief, and now, 4 days later, I can say that things are beginning to improve. I still can't - well, won't - sit up for long periods of time, though, because I don't want to agitate the issue so that it won't have a chance to heal. But man, it's been rough.

I have to admit I wasn't expecting to spend a week of my break like this. As a strong believer in emotional/spiritual affecting the physical, I tried to think about what this problem may be referring to or reflecting in my life. But honestly, I couldn't really think of anything. So in between drug treatments, I've been practicing affirmations and visualizations and have been telling myself that I'm healthful, healed, and pain-free.

The upside to this week of limbo, however, is that I was able to watch all seasons/series of Merlin available on Netflix in this short span of time, and therefore received plenty of inspiration for Crucible, which I've been wanting to work on. It's funny because before, I had no interest in Merlin. I had seen it on Netflix but it didn't "sing" to me. It was only over the weekend - after seeing gifs on tumblr and hearing Lulu mention it - that I felt the nudge to give it a try. So I did.

I have to say - it's cute. I adore the Arthur/Merlin bromance. Any show/film with a bromance like that (Supernatural, Sherlock) instantly wins my heart. Not to mention it did a good job of stirring my emotions... I was shaking my fist at the screen, raising it in triumph, and whispering "Bitch" every time Morgana made an appearance. Some of the content is a bit silly, though. It reminds me of Legend of the Seeker, which is an abandoned series based on a similar story. And by content I mean like some of the acting, as well as the CGI. But I still enjoy the story well enough to look past that. Although I'm really picky when it comes to books and films and the like, I'm actually very easy to please so long as I have some tidbits to really enjoy. 

So yeah. I really have nothing else to report right now. Unfortunately, this situation has prevented me from doing other things, such as working on the readings I was supposed to start earlier this week. Apparently the universe didn't want me working on such things right now. I have to remember to live in the present and embrace all experiences, despite how painful and aggravating they might be. And maybe that's the point of this little "episode." It's like a test from the universe: "Okay. You say you over-stand the point of experience... let's see if you speak the truth."

Now it's time to watch the new episode of Supernatural, after which I'll probably re-watch Merlin. I have no idea when they plan to release series 5 to Netflix, though. Hm. 

Hoping for a speedier recovery,
Evaah

The Illusion of Free Will

by Patricia Ariel

So, continuing where I left off... 

Let's say for a moment that life is all about paving your own path. Free will exists and life was centered around what you wanted to pursue - what you decided you resonated with. Actually, wait. Would you still resonate with things? All things have energy, and give off a specific vibration. I suppose it could still exist energetically speaking. But what good would that do us, if free will existed? It wouldn't necessarily be "free will," because technically, we would already know what would happen as Adonai. We have free will as Adonai. What if part of experiencing Earth life was experiencing a lack of free will? Technically, it's part of "limiting" ourselves. Plus, if the concept of "free will" existed, that would suggest some kind of universal system or force is in place. Will is a force in itself. And if it's a force, that means it's pre-scripted, which still technically means that it's acting as part of a universal script. Earth doesn't rotate on free will. Trees don't grow on free will. The moon doesn't orbit the Earth on free will. Clouds don't drift on free will. Everything acts in accordance with everything else based on a wordly - or universal - script. 

But, of course, humans are so self-centered that we firmly believe we're not part of this system, because we think we hold the illusion of free will. We don't stop to think where our thoughts or impulses or intuition come from. We don't stop to think why we do what we do, because we assume we - as puny humans - decided to do it on free will. However, as Adonai, we've created this system beautifully. We dressed up pre-programming into a disguise, because we knew that, as things evolved and progressed, humans at certain vibrational levels wouldn't like the idea that free will doesn't actually exist. 

Again, I remind myself: several months ago, I would be pitching a fit if someone introduced this idea to me. But by being guided through a specific path, I'm now arriving at this conclusion. That specific path made me much more open to the idea. I sure as hell didn't want to pick this path for myself - not several months ago, anyway. Some people would argue: "Yes, you did. You create your reality through thought and action." In which case I reply: is that the true story? Or is that fluffy nonsense we tell ourselves because we don't want to think we lack free will?

Sit and really think about it. Imagine a world where everybody knew we lacked free will. But at the same time, imagine a world where everybody knew they were a face of Adonai expressing themselves as human. And by this, I mean, really knew they were Adonai, and not thinking something like: "I'm a piece of Creator with my own agenda." 

In my opinion, if everyone shared this perspective, the world would be paradise. Now, I'm obviously not saying my perspective is "right." I don't claim a perspective as "mine," because I realize this is a temporary perspective and doesn't speak for the whole picture. But when you think about it, it doesn't matter if a perspective of spirituality holds any truth. What matters is what you do with that perspective. Do you use it to live life to the fullest? Do you use it to help others? Or do you use it as means to judge and criticize those who don't share your view? It's already obvious that we're not meant to obtain the "ultimate" truth. Therefore, I can only assume that life is a way for us to express our infinite nature in limited forms, and to over-stand and celebrate this in every instance of ourselves.

Of course, this would require alteration in various religions. Those who worship idols, such as Christ, would probably perceive him as an "ascended master" of sorts, or as a representation of a specific force/intention, such as compassion and mercy. Those who believed in singular deities would probably perceive them as something similar. And what's interesting is that this brings me back to the bit I read on the Dalai Lama, who mentioned something about Tibetan Buddhism having to change if reincarnation was ever proved to be false. He understood this general idea of change even though he stated: "It would be hard to disprove reincarnation." The fact that he was open to changing Buddhism was something big, because leaders of other religions were so firm with their beliefs that they refused to admit that their perspective was wrong. And that refusal suggests one thing to me: that these people are driven by power and/or ego.

Because what is refusal to admit wrongness? Ego. 

It's all so vast. Part of me wonders if I should bother to dwell on such things at all, but you know something? If I wasn't this way - if I didn't seek truth or answers - I would still be one unhappy individual. I would be my old negative self. I wouldn't appreciate life as much; I wouldn't marvel at its beauty. I wouldn't respect nature as much. And so on. So yes - I am very happy that I tend to dwell and "figure things out" - because doing so has made me a much happier and much more open-minded person.

So I guess the sole theme of this post is universal force. Creating like from like. And that probably explains why I've been so drawn to the natural world lately - it's like Adonai is pointing and saying: "There's your answer." We like to separate ourselves from the rest of the natural world and its workings and by doing so, we have only become unhappier. We've only created more chaos for ourselves. But that's part of the story. It's always darkest before the dawn, right? There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, etc. Maybe we're heading toward the climax of the story. We're at the "rising action" portion right now, what with people talking about "awakening" and others beginning to hate on society and government and whatnot. For so long, we've been talking about the Earth story in books and other forms of art, unaware that Adonai has been expressing the story through us. We think these stories are our imaginative creations, when in fact, they're metaphors and even literal representations of the (much) bigger picture. 

Therefore, at this present moment, I feel that free will is an illusion. After observing how the natural world works, I'm not a fan of separating humankind from the rest of the equation. That's just plain old arrogance. It's part of the story though, so I'm cool with it. I just can't see why humankind has to be the anomaly. The universal/worldly laws apply to every other aspect of nature but us? That's BS to me. That's... arrogance. It's a lie we tell each other and teach our children to console and blind ourselves. Ignorance is bliss, after all. And what's interesting to ponder is that perhaps some portions of society are aware of this, and utilize this illusion to manipulate the masses. But that's getting into conspiracy theories, and I'm not about to go there. 

Now guess what? I've been guided to watch Star Wars now. "Divine" timing has arranged things so that my brother came for Thanksgiving, and a Star Wars marathon played while we were down in Louisiana. Growing up, I was never a fan of the series because it wasn't my cup of tea, but recently, I've felt inclined to give it a try. It must have something to do with this perspective, what with it referring to force and all. 

I'm not all that familiar with Star Wars. I only remember bits and pieces from my childhood - watching some of it with my brother at times. So I guess I'm about to see. 

(Brother left almost an hour ago to return to Florida... I feel a lot better now that things are back to normal. But he'll be back in three and a half weeks.)

Evaah 

Vastness

"Pastel Reverie" - by emerald-depths @ deviantART

The one thing I enjoy about road trips to Louisiana is being able to better perceive the vastness of the world, and of life. Once we pass the Georgia border, everything becomes flat. You still have lots of trees bordering two-lane asphalt, but at night you see the stars clearly, and during the day you can see the road go on for miles. We drive over rivers and at one point, ocean, as we head into New Orleans. The water goes on and on... and once we actually get to where my relatives live, everything is short and flat, so the whole world seems so vast and open. Here in suburban Georgia, you have a lot of clustered buildings, towering trees, and hills. You feel compacted into small spaces even when standing in your backyard. So I guess that was one thing I was grateful for on this trip: being able to feel the vastness of the world.

But not just the vastness... the connection in all things. Yes, interstate driving isn't all that exciting. Not much "scenery" and all straight driving. Usually, I'll pass the time by doing some sort of activity... writing, doodling, playing my DS, something. This time, however, I merely sat and looked out the window, observing the vastness of the world and thinking those profound thoughts about life. Because things are a lot different beyond our invisible borders. People behave differently. They have different homes and different appearances. One thing I kept thinking about during the trip: where were all these people going? Many of them were probably driving to their families for Thanksgiving, but it was still cool to think about. So many cars on the interstate... and to think this was only a portion of the country - of the world. 

We have around 300 million people here in the States, apparently. When you think about the vastness of the world, it's not a big number. It's hard for me to picture 300 million people on the surface of this continent, though. I don't have a visual reference in my head for 300 million people. 

So why am I talking about population? Because it was one of my profound thoughts on this trip. I keep thinking back to something I read. See, here in Georgia, we have this 30-year-old monument called the Georgia Guidestones, which label ten guidelines/principles for an ideal, global state of living. The first of those guidelines suggests: "Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature." 

Now, this isn't the first time I - or we - have heard of our "overpopulation" issue. Many people seem to think that overpopulation is what's helping to screw us over. We have almost 7 billion people on this planet. 7,000,000,000. When I look at this number, it doesn't seem like a lot. But when you think about it, it's a pretty huge stinkin' number. And imagining this number spread across the planet... yeah, it really puts things into perspective.

Which leads me to something I've been dwelling on for a while: I can't help but predict that something "big" is going to happen to humanity. I feel like there's a reason why my interest was guided toward this certain story-based perspective, and why I was drawn to explore Earth history. I feel like Adonai is giving me a head's up. When I say something "big," I mean something around the equivalent of the meteor from the age of dinosaurs. 

Does that sound crazy? It might, but I honestly don't think so. Because when I consider the Earth story, and the cycles of birth, death, and rebirth, and the evolutionary path... it's not surprising - or crazy - at all. We just think it's crazy because we don't want to believe that humanity can be wiped out to such a degree. We think we're invincible, and that we rule nature.

Perhaps some of the big events of human history could be considered evolutionary catalysts. It might sound inconsiderate, but think about it... all the major events that wiped out large portions of the population - of course, it was mainly war-related, but perhaps for Earth, that's part of human evolution. Perhaps that was the way the story had to go to get where we are now. Because war is (unfortunately) one of those things that bring modern, fear-based humans together. Maybe it was necessary to get people to wake up and take action, and to eliminate old systems to pave way for new ones. 

So yes. I'm expecting something big to wipe out a good portion of humanity. It might be war; it might be rebellion; it might be some kind of natural disaster. But what's interesting is that many old religions and ancient systems had prophecies based on the future Earth and who would inhabit it: only those who were deserving or did the planet good.

Now, I'm not saying that certain people are undeserving of the planet. But for some reason we as humans like to exclude ourselves from the rest of nature. So while it's okay to exterminate millions of animals and plants for our sake, it's not okay to exterminate millions of humans. It reminds me of a video from Ryan Higa I watched last night. He had posted something about loving animals (funny, because I've kind of been seeing this theme on tumblr too), and said that in his opinion, humans are superior to animals, and that he would save a human before saving an animal. That seems logical to us, right? As humans, we see ourselves as "civilized" and superior, holding the "advanced consciousness" that allows us to manipulate our environment and thrive under harsh conditions. 

I personally think this is BS. If anything, we should be learning from animals, because we're animals ourselves. We say this all the time but we never actually take it to heart because of our superiority complex and self-absorbed natures. We have everything to learn from nature.
 
This is why I don't mourn for humanity. We screwed ourselves over, and somehow, we think we have the right to live on because we're human and we're superior. We spend billions of dollars exploring space for life like ours, as though expecting to live outside our own precious world. Why should I be trying to save something that deserves to be eliminated? We as humans try so hard to preserve our species... doing anything possible, even if it includes wiping out the Earth. Even if it comes to eliminating our own kind. And in doing so, we create ultimate chaos.

To be honest, I kind of hope that this "big event" happens. I'm not lacking compassion toward people. I share compassion, but it's really hard for me to try and help others who are only concerned in saving the human race. We are not ultimate, and we are not superior. We don't deserve to live on this planet any more than any other living thing - even the grains of sand on the beach and the roaches we have come to abhor. Perhaps this "big event" will help us realize this. 

And no, I'm not saying that I'm superior to those who are destroying Earth. Unfortunately, because I'm a human existing in the 21st century, I have added on to the destruction in minor ways. Perhaps not as much as logging companies or hunters or automobiles, but the small things do add up. The only difference between "me" and "them" is that I'm in a position that allows me to try and change that. I have the passion to turn things around, and the devotion to empower others to do the same. That is my role, and that is what I will do unless my gut leads me elsewhere.

I do look at all this, though, and wonder if it's just all part of the "Earth story," or it's really based on free will and all that jazz. If I expand my consciousness, and see myself as Adonai in its complete and infinite form... I see all the connections, all the strings and pulleys, and I can't see how anything at all can be pure free will. Because even free will has to come from somewhere. The decisions we make, the thoughts we think... they all have to have a source. We come to a decision because we have certain circumstances that allow us to do so. Where do those circumstances come from? 

I think of dominoes. Dominoes have to be arranged first before you can start knocking them down. You have a buttload of dominoes, and you have to start with one. What is the "original domino" in this case? "Who" puts down that first domino? What kind of path will this person/force make with the remaining dominoes? I suppose you could also scatter the dominoes aimlessly and push one to see what others fall over, but with this, you are still arranging a pre-made course with a variety of fixed outcomes.

Things in the universe are created to affect everything else. This is just how it is. So with that in mind, how can anyone justify that things can be left to chance, free will, and similar concepts (or illusions)? Just like that Earth documentary I watched a while back: with what's-his-face repeating over and over how Earth's creation was chance, chance, chance. Every aspect of nature is fixed. We have cycles and systems all working in accordance with nature, with the universe. Why are we so determined to believe that humankind's existence is any different? 

We're control freaks. But what's funny/ironic is that even those who believe in the more "spiritual"/New Agey stuff - empowerment, free will, creating your own life, etc. - are still promoting a global story that was pre-scripted. Think about all the people who believe in soul connections and past lives and soul lessons. All that stuff screams pre-scripted. And yet we are preaching a contradictory system: that we have free will, and can create our own lives... but at the same time, we are fulfilling whatever it is our "divine plan" wanted us to fulfill. Uh. How is that possible? You either have one or the other, right? As much as I like the idea of balance, I just can't see how you can create your own life AND follow whatever guidelines/blueprints your "higher self" laid out "before incarnation." 

Will elaborate in a separate post because this is one huge wall of text. 

Rested

"Visible" - by thelucidity @ deviantART

Well, I certainly feel a lot better this morning. Nice and rested... I missed my bed. 

I'm not all too sure what I'll be doing today. My brother's flight is this evening so we still have all day to spend with him. It's 10 right now, and he's still sleeping... so I don't know. I've just been thinking about all the things I want to get done over my break. I  discovered a few days ago that MS is releasing the class that I've been wanting to play on the fifth, which means I'll probably become quite addicted to that and ditch all the goals I had set prior trying to get this character up to 4th job. We'll see. I still have a week and a half till then, so I'm going to have to use it to work on those five art readings.

Speaking of which, I drew those five names today with the random number generator. I've got two guide energy ones, one higher self portrait, an intuitive drawing, and one unknown... I'm hoping this person picks aura. And even though I'm technically excited to do these, my lazy side is like "Nahhh... let's just sit around and play Sims or something."

Maybe livestreaming them will help.

In other news, my family discovered something pretty fabulous about our ethnicity. See, my parents spent the money to have their DNA analyzed so that they could determine what their actual roots are through this Geno project (National Geographic). It took about a month, but on our drive down to Louisiana, my mom got her results.

Let's say that she and her family were completely wrong about who they thought they were.

Growing up, my mom was always told that she was Native American/Indian. Her mother always said that she was full-blooded herself, so Mom always assumed she was something like 70% Native. However, Mom didn't believe my grandma because there were people with blue eyes in her family. But my grandma insisted she was full-blooded.

Nope. According to the DNA results, my mom - through her maternal side - is Mediterranean first and foremost. One-third Mediterranean, one -third Northern European, and then Southwest Asian, Sub-Saharan African, and the smallest, with only 7% - Native American. So in other words, the ethnicity she thought she had the most of in her is what she has the least of. 

Because my mom only has the x chromosome (being female), she can't get her father's side, so she spent our trip convincing one of her three brothers to get the test done to see what her father's roots are. We're still waiting on my dad's results, but somehow, he doesn't think he'll be all that surprised. We'll see, I guess. 

I feel like I've been a little "scattered" recently as far as perspective goes. There's the stuff I was dwelling on before my trip and then the stuff I'm dwelling on after and it's this whole big mess of ideas. I can't quite determine which path I want to follow. Maybe I can follow them all? I have one big solid perspective that I like and could branch out from. I suppose I'll just wait patiently like always to see what unfolds. Because now I'm seeing the "you are what you think" idea again and it's making me second-guess some stuff. Not that it matters if I am second-guessing. But it's perspective that helps me live life to its fullest, so it's a bit of a big deal for me.

I need to elaborate on these ideas in a separate post. For now, it looks like we're heading out for more sushi.

(Someone passed me in word count on Nano... oh well.)

 Evaah
 

Home

Whew. Finally home. Arrived about an hour ago... I still feel like I'm swaying and bouncing. Johann-Pierre did very well on the road; he's a nice road trip car, but now he's full of Louisiana dirt and coated with bugs.

Still getting settled in... I'm just really happy to be home. It wasn't a spectacular Thanksgiving but it was still nice to see everyone. My only problem is: every time we go to Louisiana, I feel more and more insignificant. Especially now in the past year, because my brother doesn't live with us, which means the family doesn't see him as much. So whenever he comes down, he becomes the "star" of the visit.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I feel so insignificant compared to my brother. I feel like I've lived in his shadow my whole life. I love the guy - I really do. However, it's so obvious that my parents and relatives adore him a lot more  than me. He's an extravert, for starters. He's warm and sociable and loves to make you laugh with his good sense of humor. Then, of course, he's the oldest. On top of that, he has my mother's good looks and is following in our dad's footsteps by joining the Coast Guard. He's independent and rarely relies on our parents at all these days... just a bit when he was first getting started. So yes. He's the "golden child" of our family. 

Who am I compared to him? A big fat introvert who hides in the corner away from people. Every time we visit family in Louisiana, my relatives only talk to me about two things: school and my art. "How's school going?" or "How's the art coming along?" And then, of course, because of that, I'm often asked for free art. So in comparison, the only worth I seem to have is that of academic and artistic achievement. I'm loved for what I can do... not who I am as a person.

It hurts. It really does. I was practically miserable this whole trip because of it. (By the way - Mercury didn't screw up our travels... it screwed up communication. But I'll get to that in a moment.) I would sit and observe how people reacted to my brother in the room. And what made it worse is that because of how things are over there now - what with my grandpa having a stroke a while back - there's a lot of just "sitting around." We sit around at the main house/trailer and watch TV with the others, idly chatting and eating until it's time to shower and sleep (This time, we stayed at a hotel, because the main trailer was already filled with five people. There was no room for us. But in my opinion, this was a good thing). And um. I don't do "idly sitting and chatting" well. Because no one's interested in me, and I'm not the type to just start up random conversations about meaningless things. So what did I do? I kept myself occupied. I brought my sketchbook and a couple of my Crucible notebooks and passed the time. 

I know this seems a little childish. I don't know. Maybe it is. But like I said: it's not a pleasant feeling to know that everyone adores (and prefers) my brother's presence. And what put things a little more into perspective was when I observed how my brother would crack jokes during the car ride down and back, and my dad would laugh. This hurt. Why? Because I would make similar jokes - you know, inside jokes and references to past amusing moments - and my dad would give me the "fake laugh..." Or he wouldn't laugh at all. But when my brother made similar jokes/references, my dad would be genuinely amused. 

To make things even worse on this trip... I was ignored. Many times. Half of those times related to one big event: me speaking my mind to my dad. 

Here's the deal with my dad: he's a very dominating and controlling man. He likes to control everything, including his family, and especially my mom and I, being female. He likes to control his territory and make sure that we are all playing our roles and doing whatever it is that pleases him. Now... this has become increasingly annoying for me in recent years - especially since incorporating spirituality into my outlook. However, I actually don't spend long periods of time around my dad, so it was easy for me to shrug him and his personality off. 

But, of course, being stuck with him face-to-face for four days straight was a little... rough for me. I tried to put up with it. I really did. I went along with it and tried to paste a smile to my face, but Mercury got the best of me. I was feeling low one day because my introvert energy level was drained.. so my face read: "I'm not happy to be here right now." Dad obviously made his usual remarks about my expression, and I, over our sushi lunch, finally broke down and spoke my mind. I told him I was sick of him and his personality - told him I was getting tired of it and that he was draining me. 

And guess what happens? My dad ends up getting pissed, which results in my mom becoming stressed. And throughout the trip - whenever my dad wasn't in the room/car, she would say: "I'm all stressed. I don't like when he's pissed," and it was so obvious she was saying: "Thanks a lot, Evaah, for getting your dad pissed." 

So yes. I was ignored a lot... even by my brother, although my brother tends to ignore me when he knows it'll make me look stupid or inferior. Yes, it's true. My brother does this - I've observed it over many years. I'm not the "ideal sister," so many conversations he has with me are usually based on whether someone better suited for conversation is in the room. And in order to make himself look superior, he will deliberately ignore me and pretend that I'm not available for conversation because apparently, I'm not worth his time unless he has no better option available.

One example was from the hotel room last night. I was trying to connect to the hotel WiFi. My mom was in the bathroom and my brother and dad were each lying on their respective beds... dad playing a game on his laptop and my brother doing something on his phone (which, of course, he kept bragging about throughout his time here - along with his new car). I didn't know the username/password, so I stood there and asked the boys: "Has anyone tried connecting to the internet yet?"

Given the circumstances of that moment, it should've been obvious I was talking to them. But they both ignored me - dad, because he was pissed at me for speaking my mind, and my brother, because he wanted to make me feel insignificant. 

Fortunately, my dad isn't violent when he's angry. He tends to silently seethe over things, like me, although it's obvious he's pissed (he gets all quiet). His anger, however, turns into stressed behavior, which is why he stressed my mom out, too.

So yeah. It wasn't an entirely pleasant trip. I was miserable because I felt even more like an outcast; my family was silently hating on me for getting my dad pissed; relatives had no interest in me.. and oh. I nearly got us into a car accident early Wednesday when making the drive down because my family stresses me out when I'm trying to drive and make hasty decisions. 

To be honest, I could do without my family. I keep thinking back to mid October, when I was wanting out of school. I had had that big "talk" with my parents about my desire and I remember the day after I was so miserable that I didn't want to talk to them, so I stayed up in my room for long hours, and my mom called up the stairs - in a kind of sardonic, mocking tone - "You didn't do something stupid, did you?" Stupid as in "kill yourself."

Something about the way she said it upsets a small but deep part of me. Kind of like she was suggesting that I'm the type of person who would do such a thing, which only emphasizes the truth: that my family doesn't know me as much as they think they do. They still project the old Evaah onto me and it sucks, man. It really sucks. In fact, on the drive back to Georgia, I kept thinking about how happy I would be living on the other side of the country... California or someplace similar with nice scenery and mountains... and how I would be free of these people who don't really feel like my family at all. The only person in my entire family who I feel close to is my godfather. I'm also a bit fond of a male cousin who also happens to share the same godfather. 

Ugh. I just needed to let that out. I've been stewing on this misery for the past four days and needed to vent it somewhere. Now that I'm home in my own room with my own bed, I'm beginning to feel happy again. I think I'll be fully recharged once my brother leaves tomorrow night. But he'll be back in a few weeks for Yule, so... meh.

Speaking of bed, I'm falling asleep here because I've had to share a springy queen hotel mattress with my inconsiderate brother (he likes to occupy the most space in bed) for the past few nights. I do have a lot more to jot down though, because this trip allowed me to do a lot of thinking about things. 

Will post again tomorrow.

Evaah  

Packing

by pockypuu @ deviantART

My lower back and legs are a bit sore this morning, haha. 

Dreams were all over the place, and unfortunately I forgot most of them - I just know that they were loosely based around all the stuff that's been happening. As I went about my usual internet routine this morning, a few snakes popped up, and there seemed to be a huge emphasis on the whole "you are the universe expressing itself" concept on my dash. One relevant quote:

 “Do you know what you are? You are a manuscript of a divine letter. You are a mirror reflecting a noble face. This universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself- everything that you want, you are already that.”

Once again, I reiterate... gotta love how this is all playing out. I was doing some more thinking about this perspective while I was journaling this morning and it made me realize how freaking vast we are. And you know what else comes to mind? The multiple creator theory. Why? Because what we perceive here on Earth is part of the Earth story, right? We're big fans of human-oriented spirituality and whatnot... we receive information that is "divinely guided" or "divinely placed." But I realized something: based on my own feelings and resonance, I feel Adonai - or the entire creative energy of the universe - is a storyteller. Is that really so? It's hard to wrap one's head around, but is it possible for other worlds to NOT have the essence of story? Given the vastness of spirit/universe, I wouldn't be surprised. Well, I should reword that. Maybe not so much an absence of story, but rather... less of a focus of telling a story and more a focus on just experiencing. Experiences still make for stories, so you can't really have one without the other. I'm just thinking about worlds that don't even have illusions like free will and whatnot. Would that still be Adonai at work? Yeah, I guess so. The universe doesn't need to split itself into multiple creators to be able to create. Never hurts to have an open mind, though.

Anyway... another semi-busy day. We have to go pick up my brother in less than an hour; his flight comes in at 9:40, I believe. Then I have to start packing while he goes out to eat with his school buddies. I'm not sure what else he's doing today. I'm just hoping his friends don't stick around too long. It's not that I dislike them... it's just always awkward for me to have strangers in my house. Especially strangers who just see me as "the sister." 

Then, later tonight, I'm going to chill with bro behind some How I Met Your Mother or Heroes, depending on what he's wanting to watch. It's become a sort of... tradition for us when he visits. We sit down with a film or Netflix and consume unhealthy amounts of tortilla scoops and queso. Haha. Okay, well, that was an exaggeration. But since I don't eat chips and dip any other time, I see it as unhealthy. I know my gut will protest afterward... 

And finally, we'll be getting up at 5ish tomorrow to leave at 6ish. I'm still a little nervous about driving, because A.) it's the holidays which probably means more cops will be out; B.) I've never driven out-of-state before, and C.) Mercury's in retrograde, which means we may encounter some travel-related incidents. My dad claims he doesn't care if I go the speed limit, but it's still daunting, because my whole family is used to speeding and I'm afraid I'll slow us down by not doing so, too. Eh. We'll see, I guess. Maybe if I know it's safe I'll bump 5 MPH over to 10 MPH. Pfft.

I managed to tackle a couple more readings  yesterday, so now I only have 4 left. I'll probably do one today while my brother is out with his friends and do the rest after Saturday, after which I'll be ready to start up art readings. I really need to, because I haven't done anything artsy yet. Then again, I've only been out of school for four days. Time's still ticking, though, and I would like to fulfill as many of those goals as possible. I just have to remember to remain in the present, because knowing me, I'd be sitting there thinking: "I'll do this today and that tomorrow, and that in a few days..." 

I haven't touched Nano for a little over a week. I'm at 43k but it's not as legit as I wanted it to be, thanks to my writer's block. But you know what? I'm okay with that, because all my experiences and perspective shifts this month gave me inspiration for my project. Of course, I can't guarantee that things won't change for the hundredth time, but it seems like I've got a good, solid direction now, which means all I have to do is work on the plot and the world-building so I know what I'm talking about. I'm bringing a couple of my notebooks to work on while in Louisiana. I'm actually a little nervous about that too, because I don't tend to like bringing things that hold a lot of personal value on trips. To be honest, I'd rather lose my phone than my writing, because at least my phone can be replaced. There's really nothing of importance on my phone... but almost everything about my project is written down in those notebooks. Yeah, a lot of it is in my head, but I tend to forget important details if I don't write them down. It's how I keep organized, too.

I'm confident that they'll be okay, though. I'm going to keep all my important stuff in my school bag, which will be plastered to my side. I'm pretty fab about keeping an eye on my belongings, so it's just needless worrying. See? I'm worrying about the possibility of something happening. That's based in the future. Bad Evaah.

Anywho. I may or may not write another post before my trip tomorrow; if I don't, I wish any readers a happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it. Gotta love commercial holidays. 

Evaah  

The Temple of Gaia

Whew. It's nice to sit down.

I went out at 11 with my mom to help her rake and bag up leaves - that took us three hours. She had a mound out there that she had been creating - and some of that mound consisted of leaves from last year. At first, it was an enjoyable activity. She would rake and I would bag. We talked about various things... mainly our trip. But after a couple hours, my back began to hurt and a blister began to form on my finger. Not to mention it was overcast, cool, and drizzly. I began to run out of energy because I'm not an active person.

But you know what? I tried enjoying it. I thought about the whole "experience" thing and realized I hadn't raked/bagged leaves before (we never had to at previous homes). Plus, I didn't want to give up on my mom. It's a tough job for one person... and all the leaves aren't even down yet. 

I felt bad though. The mound had been home to a lot of little creatures... roaches, spiders, ants, roly polies, beetles, earwigs, etc. We disturbed a lot of them and pretty much ruined their home. That mound probably kept them warm, too. The bottom layers were decomposing, so a lot of those creatures were feasting on that decomposition.. it was fascinating to see all that in action. My mom even joked: "It's like you're on a field trip."

While I was out there, I was tempted to go barefoot. I was wearing sandals because I didn't want my good shoes to get icky, but I felt like the earth was inviting me to step upon her surface.. I would have if A.) there wasn't all sorts of branches and other sharp objects to step on, and B.) we weren't dealing with decomposing leaves. I didn't exactly want to trample spiders (some of them were big) and roly polies with my bare feet. 

It got me thinking, though. It's a shame that we, as humans, see nature as repulsive or "dirty." My mom was complaining about the bugs and the mud, but if anything, bugs and mud are a lot better for us than chemicals, concrete, and tar. "Civilization" has bred us into creatures bearing soap and disinfectant.. we hide away in our bleached homes because we no longer favor dirt. Hell - we even complain about nature now. My mom's a good example. She complains about the leaves, the bugs, the spiders taking over the house, the "outside smell" clinging to her skin and hair, the mud, the heat, the cold. 

God. I'm so humiliated by humanity. And what's worse is that because I was raised into it, I'm somewhat the same way. I mean, when I was younger, I played a lot outside.. rolled in the grass, played in the dirt, played at the lagoon (this was Hawaii), rode my bike, hung out at the local playground(s), etc. But as I grew older - and more introverted - I shied away from nature and merely admired it through the window from behind my computer.

But I don't complain about much. I don't care about the leaves, or the bugs (except roaches and mosquitoes... I mean, at least roaches play an important role in nature, but what do mosquitoes do? Drain you of your blood and threaten you with disease?) .. I don't care about "outside smell" or mud so long as I'm not tracking it through the car or house (because it's annoying to get out of carpet). I do complain about the cold though, because my thin skin and crappy circulation can't handle it all that well. Sometimes the heat if it gets to be too much with the humidity around here. 

Sheesh. We used to live in harmony with nature... I really do hope things change. It reminds me of something my mom said outside. We were talking about diet and processed food, and she mentioned that we were supposed to be eating off the land. It made me happy to hear that from her, because my mom is kind of a... sheep. Not a total sheep, but enough of a sheep to qualify as one. I figured she would think something along the lines of "well, processed food lasts longer, is cheaper, and can be bought in abundance, so it's good to have around." 

Ahh. Anyway... we packed twenty bags full of leaves. And that was only the front yard. Fortunately, we don't have a "backyard," per se. More like a driveway, a separated garage, a "parking pad," and a sliver of yard off to the side. Still collects a lot of leaves, though. Afterward, I came in and went straight to cleaning my bathroom, which was nice because I haven't cleaned it in ages. I get lazy when I'm the only one using it. Haha.

I have 6 readings left to finish; I think I might try to do one right now and then save the rest to work on after Saturday, when I get home from our trip. I also got a message from Lily, who gave me feedback for a SC portrait I did for her a while back. I don't often get feedback for readings I did months ago... it's always nice to see how things actually unfold, and if I was accurate or not. For this one, I was. *Pats self on back*

So yeah - gonna do a reading, and then will sit behind some Sims for the remainder of the evening. 

Evaah  

The Pudu and the Snake

Remembered bits of my dream from this morning. It still felt like it was related to our upcoming Thanksgiving trip, because I was at this house that was like half-ours and half trailer (I peeked into my godfather's room?). There wasn't a whole lot of fascinating details with this one... we were taking pictures and we had a beautiful backyard with lots of pretty autumn foliage. The only interesting part of this dream was that there were two animals present: a pudu and a gorgeous little slate/black snake. The pudu wasn't surprising because I had just seen it on my tumblr dash again yesterday. Technically, I saw a snake, too, but not a slate/black one. I remember trying to convince my family that it was cute. 

Anywho. Today's a semi-busy day because my brother flies in tomorrow. I've got to clean my bathroom and help my mom pick up/bag leaves. That's one of two crap things about living in this area (the other being tons of bugs). I don't mind the leaves, though. My parents do. Especially my mom... which means that often I'm elected for labor. Lol. But I don't mind. I could use the fresh air. And fortunately, it's a bit warmer today... 50 degrees this morning instead of 40... with a high of 66.

I wanted to use this post to examine my dearest wishes. When I look at the list I had created a few weeks back, I realize that half of them revolve around making money to live comfortably and the other half revolve around helping others. Sounds good for this society, right? But if I am to experience the present, and stop worrying about the future, then I need to stop worrying about living comfortably. As for helping others... I mean, I really do want to empower people. It's just that I'm now wondering how I should approach these desires. Do I consciously express them?

Ooh. An interesting thought... what if our desires are what push us along on our "stories"? I was going to wonder: well, what's the point of desire? But when I think about it, where do these desires come from? They have to come from somewhere. If it's all laid out already, then that would make perfect sense. They're the force that persuades us to pursue something. OH. They're forces of darkness - well, forces of change. The only reason we have desires is because we want something to change in our lives. If we had our perfect life, we wouldn't have desires. 

So then... do we pursue these desires actively? Should I continue with my manifestation process and the journaling and the visualizing? For the longest time, I was a fan of "what you send out, you receive." And I still am. I'm just trying to think if this can complement the story theory. 

Let me think back to what Adonai has been teaching me recently... how everything is a matter of vibration, how everything we need for a face of ourselves is printed in the aura - including the blueprint for our "story." If everything's a matter of vibration, then how does this apply to a world whose story is set in stone? Well, think about vibration - or energy - for a moment. Remember when Adonai said vibration is what determines everything, including hobbies, interests, resonance with other people, and so on? What if vibration is part of that system? Maybe it's that resonance that is the energetic equivalent of saying, "This is the right path." Or choice. THAT could make sense. 

I've observed a lot of what I resonated with in the past. I've been able to watch how I moved from one satisfying truth to the next. I received all the right signs at the right time, all the right nudges, impressions, and so forth. All in perfect timing. The path was basically carved out for me, and the resonance is what helped push me along to identify what I felt was "right" for me and my story. It was all already there... waiting for me to find it. The Earth story unraveled as it did just for me to get to where I am today.

And guess what? The same exact thing is happening to billions of people all over the planet. Everything in Earth's past has shaped our present... everything unfolding exactly as Adonai planned.

Yes, I'm dwelling on this a lot. I'm dwelling on it because it's in my nature to ponder life's mysteries, and as far as I'm concerned, the more I dwell, the more I expand my consciousness. The more open-minded I become, and the more creative I become. I have to admit I laughed when I read this from Lulu's end:

"The more I think about it, and recently I've been hearing people saying things like 'oh it was meant to be, oh it was fate' on TV and I just scoff at the notion. I really feel like I'm rejecting it more and more as every day goes on. I wonder where this is leading? I wonder what new perspective I'm heading towards? I tell you one thing though, I'm tired of everything changing. I'm not that interested in seeking out and developing my perspective constantly."

Meh. I'm glad I'm a seeker. Life is meant to be explored...I'd be one miserable chillin if I wasn't a seeker. 

But anyway, back to the original topic... I can see how vibration and universal forces such as change and stability contribute to the Earth story. We have our pre-scripted lives, right? And as Adonai, we decide that we don't want ourselves to think we're not in control... otherwise, that would lead to a totally different story. So we give ourselves illusions: free will, spontaneity, out-of-the-box thinking, etc. As our life unfolds, all the universal forces that we both can and can't see work to tell the Earth story as it was written. But we're blind to them... because they work at a level we can't see. Signs and intuitive nudges and synchronicity. We are mesmerized by such concepts because we still think we have free will, so any time we experience them, we believe it to be significant, or related to our divine purpose. 

It's beautiful, isn't it? Our power as Adonai. There is so much we don't see in this limited skin... and that's very much the point. 

All our desires, all our nudges, impressions, decisions, contemplations... they're all part of the Earth story. What comes in as a "random thought" isn't random at all. Everything affects everything else, because it's a universal story. And it's funny because if you look closely enough, you can see that life is basically telling us this. But of course we don't see it! We don't want to see it. We shut our eyes and look in the other direction because it's a lie - it must be a lie. We have to be in control!

...But we are in control. We wrote this story in our purest form. We just wanted to experience it, too. We wanted to experience our creative expressions firsthand. 

And you know what's also funny? The quote that I found on tumblr that inspired this whole bloody perspective says the exact opposite of what I'm now beginning to see:

 “A plant is not thinking: Tomorrow I will put a new leaf to the north and then next week when it rains I will grow a meter taller. Its existence is just unfolding out of itself spontaneously, naturally, unplanned. Similarly, your true life unfolds in the same way but you are unaware of it because you allow your mind to imagine fanciful ways of being and then pursue your projections. Like this, you began thinking and strategizing your existence rather than simply experiencing your natural being.
We cannot breathe tomorrow's breath today. Therefore, knowing this, leave your existence to existence and start enjoying your cosmic play. Best of all, don’t try to be anything at all. This is a secret few recognize.” 

Oh, man. Hilarious. Well... even if it does say the exact opposite, it still has something useful to teach: not living life in the future. Spontaneity may be an illusion, but we're still going to buy into that illusion, so we might as well take the advice suggested here and learn to just be. While we're "just being," the Earth story will continue to unfold, delivering everything in perfect time.

Here's one big fat analogy before I head off: nature is pre-scripted. All the cyclical aspects of nature, all the fractal designs, all of the hierarchical systems... pre-scripted. Remember back when I mentioned that fractal geometry determines how trees in forests are arranged? Pre-scripted. And yet there's still the powerful divine notion of creating like from like present in all of nature... reminding us who we are for those whose eyes are actually open to see. 

Now I wonder what will come next...

Evaah 

 

The Full Circle Looms

"Golden" - by kokoszkaa @ deviantART

I don't normally make three posts in a day, but I have a lot of thoughts flowing in and I need to jot them down while I'm aware of them.
 
The only crap thing about this shifting perspective is that I'm now having difficulty talking with Adonai about a lot of related topics. I was trying to write a post for VoA about human-oriented spirituality, and even though I was going along with what I was receiving, I realized that we were essentially making it sound like that kind of spirituality is "wrong." And while I don't resonate with it myself, I realized that hey - we/Adonai intended for it to be that way. Why? Because this is the EARTH STORY. We're here to express ourselves as Earthlings. So naturally, we would be self-centered and project our humanness onto spirituality.

Which leads me to wonder... all the spiritual fluff that we've come to believe in - is it legit, or is it all guises and illusions and whatnot? Let me bring up the Harry Potter metaphor again: in the HP world, all that stuff exists. Magic, magical creatures, divination, witches/wizards, etc. JK Rowling intended it to be that way. She deliberately put those things in the story as part of the world. Does the same, then, apply to Earth life? Am I to assume that our world is just like any other "setting" for a novel? All the mythology that we've come to believe in... is it "separate" from us, or is it just an illusion?  Or is it just as much part of the "character list" as we are?

People have come up with all sorts of categories and labels and identifications. To be honest, the descriptions of "Home" I had read from a while back now make me a little nauseated (figuratively). People were basically just projecting their understanding of human life onto an afterlife. But what if that afterlife actually does exist, and is part of the Earth story? That actually plays on a theory I discussed from before, where there are countless dimensions and personal "afterlives" for each planet in existence. What that would imply, though, is that there is no "end" for these characters. All stories have an end. That's why I was comfortable with the absorption theory, because I didn't have to worry about what "comes next" and what I would be doing there. 

And then there's the whole issue with people believing they're from other star systems, etc. I was one of those. I felt - well, still feel - like a cosmic traveler, drawn to the stars and the possibility of life on other planets. I'm obviously not the only one, either - otherwise, we wouldn't have "starseed" labels. 

Here's the thing, though: many of us, as Earthlings, are obsessed with spirituality and/or the stars/cosmos. We're so obsessed that we spend more time with our heads in the clouds than experiencing Earth to the fullest. I'm assuming that's part of the "story," but it does leave some interesting questions to be answered, such as: why do these people experience such feelings so strongly, and where does this information come from?

It doesn't matter, though, see? Because then it's like any other fantasy novel, where the character receives information from a mystical source, and either doubts it or fully believes it. If this is just a story, then NOTHING has to make sense. We can have people who completely believe they're indigo children, or who are from the Pleiades, or who have elves as twinflames, because that is what defines the story. And what's even more mind-boggling to imagine is that this is happening on every other planet that harbors some kind of life, which I believe is all of them. Stars and moons included. 

Now, to address the title of this post... it's these questions that make me feel like I'm heading toward that full circle again. Because here's Shiva, destroying my bloody truth again (or at least part of it this time, lol), and considering what all happened over the summer, I feel like I left off on a page titled "To be continued." I feel like that whole shift in direction from September to now was meant to bring me to this current realization. What really fries my mind now, though, is to ponder: every single thing I've done in my life has led to this. If it had happened any other way, I wouldn't have made these realizations. 

Remember back a couple weeks ago when I said I felt like I was regressing? I'll bet you anything it was related to this. At least that would explain the "abrupt ending" (or I guess I should call it "plot twist" now LOL) I had in late August. 

Adonai just dropped a beautiful thought in my head:

"The point of spiritual truth is not to find definite answers to your questions, but to rather find a perspective that allows you to live life to its fullest."

I adore this. I absolutely love watching the pieces come together. I love seeing how my story plays out. Back in the summer, I would've hated this. I would've thrown a fit knowing that my life was beyond my control. But the way it's unfolded has brought me immeasurable joy, despite all the discomfort that came with it. Of course, I'm going to need a lot of time to work out the details for myself, but then again, I'm sure the timing on this one was perfect, considering I'm out on winter break now. I have a month and a half to continue my observations without school pestering me.

And hey - if I really am coming full circle to deal with the happy spirits of our mortal realm, then I'm not going to complain. I missed my boys, after all. 

Will continue this tomorrow, lol. 

Evaah  

The Ultimate Storyteller

It's funny how much this developing perspective is affecting my perception. I was sitting there doing a couple readings a little while ago, and it was actually a little tricky for me to focus because I couldn't help but think: "Whatever I pick is already decided." It was enlightening, but also bothersome, because it caused me to second-guess myself. See, I don't deal cards the way everyone else does by shuffling & dealing. I actually hold the deck in my hands and focus on the question being asked, and then feel out the location of the answer in the deck, so it's more intuitive and less "leaving it up to the universe" - which I suppose is the same thing now. Lol.

Ugh. I have so many realizations I want to put down in writing. I fear that - if I don't jot all this down - it'll be lost. Adonai drops some pretty good stuff in my head... solid answers and whatnot.. and I want to remember them.

Huh. Makes me wonder - what if "spirit" doesn't exist at all? What if it's part of the illusion? Angels, spirit guides, fairies, ghosts and the like... what if they are physical manifestations rather than spiritual ones? I get the impression that we are all there is - Adonai or the universe or whatever your preferred term is - and all the "spiritual fluff" is just there as part of the Earth story. I still feel there are forces for light and dark, because that's part of universal balance, but when it comes to what most of society knows as angels, guides, demons, ghosts, fairies, etc., that all exists for the book titled "Earth." To use a metaphor.. think about Harry Potter. JK Rowling defined everything in that world. She established the presence of magic, witches/wizards, trolls, ghosts, dragons, centaurs, and all sorts of other creatures. What if the same applies to Earth, where Adonai established the presence of gods/goddesses, angels, ghosts, demons, fairies, etc? And by "establish," I mean: allowed the characters (us) to interact with these entities. Sure, Adonai created them too, but that doesn't necessarily mean they exist in its "reality." 

Adonai is the ultimate storyteller. Just think of all the stories it's written... Like any other author, it's spent lots of "time" coming up with perfect characters, perfect plots, plot twists, drama, humor, mystery, horror, epic climaxes, dramatic resolutions, and so on. Like any fabulous story, everything connects, and usually for a reason. I think it's bloody beautiful. People might hate on this perspective because they don't like the idea of having no control, but that's where I say: observe the bigger picture... you don't like the idea because you think you're small and insignificant. You might now consider yourself a slave, but that's ridiculous. Novel characters are not slaves. 

As a fervent writer, I understand this perfectly well. We may "create" our characters, but most - if not all - of the time, these characters are based on us, or aspects of us. They come from our creative energy. And while some may feel their characters are their "babies," they still don't see themselves as superior to these characters. In fact, I'll admit something that helps me write: I put myself in my characters' shoes. I put myself in their worlds, in their situations, to help me come up with new material and to understand how they might respond, behave, and so forth. When I'm alone, I become these characters. While I'm drifting off to sleep, I'll do this. When I'm in the shower, I'll do this. When I'm waiting for food to cook. Et cetera. And maybe this is why such a perspective has come to me - because I can relate. I'll talk to myself as my characters would talk. I play with expression and body language. Emotion. How exactly they would respond to an idea... and so forth. 

Stewing on this... technically, Adonai is doing the exact same thing. It's one thing to just write a story. It's a completely different thing to experience the story - even if you are its author. You know something? This is exactly why I want my stories adapted into film. I always said it wasn't about the money. It's about the experience. I wanted to see my work in another form - a form that allows me to immerse myself in the story. And pondering this perspective... it makes me realize that even more. 

Films are powerful. They allow us to experience the story more closely than we would if we were reading it. There's only so much you can get out of words on a page, even if your imagination is superb. The same applies to the Earth story. Adonai may have had the idea in its "head" - it may have known the story front and back with all character roles, dialogue, and description completely understood, but that's insignificant compared to living through your characters.

I'm comparing this view to how the world works, and it just makes more and more sense. Earlier I was thinking about the people "in the background." You know... the ones who have been turned into sheep, who go about their lives only caring about the typical aspects of life: school, work, relationships, bills. Despite them living very dull lives, they still have as much of a role in the Earth story as anyone else. Think about all the actions and interactions... everything from buying food from the local market, to filling up their cars, to tipping a waitress, to taking a bath at night. Every little action affects the whole in accordance with the "divine story." 

And I also realized: people don't always change. You can sit and preach to someone about living his/her life to the fullest, but they won't take these words to heart unless they're meant to. Some of them ignore what you teach, while others wholeheartedly accept your wisdom, because all is meant to happen as it is, in accordance with the universe's divine story. And hey - sometimes that wisdom is meant for later, in which case it's still in accordance with the story. That happens to a lot of us, in fact... where we gather information that isn't relevant until later.

What would happen if the whole world was aware of this piece of information? Would we take life more seriously? Less seriously? Would we become paranoid? I feel like many people would be trying their hardest to not act in accordance with the "story," but it'd be ironic, because that would be acting in accordance. It'd probably drive many insane. 

I think it's time I examine my life, my desires, and my choices and apply it to this perspective. All my desires would be shaping myself into the person I want to be, but who's to say I'm not perfect now? Why am I worrying about the future? What if worrying about the future is only doing me harm?

I'll save that topic for tomorrow's post. 

Evaah 

Clio

by Emilie Leger

Dream theme was centered around our upcoming Thanksgiving trip, although there was this certain "odd" element to it that I can't remember. Hm. Like something out of place, or eerie. Eh. Oh well.

After doing another reading, I once again spent the whole day yesterday playing Sims. I've been kind of hooked on the little vamp dude I've been playing. He has a bunch of vamp kids now, and a witch for a wife... they live in this really cool creepy manor in Moonlight Falls. Hahaha.  But like with all things, I assume there's a reason why I feel so driven to play Sims now. In some ways it feels like I'm buying time... or maybe I should be observing what it is I'm doing.

I was in bed last night thinking about "experience" and the future and whatnot. It made me realize that I rarely - if ever - put my full attention and awareness into any experience. Of course, there are the moments I enjoy, but even still, I don't sit and make the conscious realization of how amazing it is to be able to have this kind of limited physical experience to begin with. And what was an even worse realization was that of knowing how often I try to avoid certain experiences. If I have no choice but to experience them, it's with a heavy heart, or fear, or irritation. 

I know I'm not the only one. We seek that which is comfortable, so naturally, we like to avoid the uncomfortable experiences if we can anticipate them. Has this always been so, since the dawn of time? Or were we grateful that we got to experience death, or pain, or some kind of loss? 

It's definitely a powerful concept that can seriously change one's life if applied. That would be the ultimate life lived - you would truly be fearless, for you would deliberately seek that which makes you uncomfortable, and accept it as a beautiful experience which then makes you not only more powerful, but more aware of yourself as the universe. It's a lovely thing to think about. 

Granted, I'm still wondering about the whole manifestation thing. It makes me wonder if... ooh. Oh, whoa. I had a piece click into place there. I was thinking about gratitude. Remember back when I was playing with manifestation and I said gratitude might have a role to play in it? I'm beginning to see why, and I'm also beginning to see a connection with experience. Gratitude.. what's the point of being thankful? What do we earn out of feeling gratitude for something or someone? If we, as manifested pieces of Adonai, feel gratitude.. is that an extension of universal consciousness? Maybe gratitude, like love, is a permanent state of being for our true nature. I mean, if you were as powerful and infinite as the freaking universe, wouldn't you be grateful for your existence? I feel like love and gratitude are intertwined, because gratitude implies humility, and humility is something born out of compassion and respect. 

Hmm. Certainly some interesting thoughts there. Maybe, it's through feeling gratitude that we are still able to manifest our desires, despite life not being about "purpose." We can still be a force with intent - it's just that that intent would be wanting to experience. And it's through manifesting as billions of faces with billions of stories that we get to live through billions of different experiences. 

So now the big question still is: does pre-programming still apply? I think it still could. Think about it: even if Adonai has an "Earth story" already written out, it's not affecting our idea of experience. Adonai already knows it's limiting itself. We don't know the truth on Earth, so it wouldn't be a problem. We technically could have our own stories already written, but because of our limited state, we perceive it all as free will, spontaneity --

Whoa. Another thought. Spontaneity? Isn't that perception? Spontaneity is just as much a judgment/perception as anything else... So what if spontaneity is an ILLUSION? It's an illusion because we're limited, and we don't see the bigger picture. We sit here and think we're being spontaneous by going out clubbing instead of sitting home again for another lonely night, but is it spontaneous at all? It's probably pre-scripted and we're not even aware of it. Which makes you wonder - where do our impulses come from? Where do our decisions come from? What makes us decide: "I'm going to go out clubbing today"? Free will? Or is it pre-scripting? 

I can't hope to over-stand this while in this limiting skin, but we all know time doesn't actually exist at our natural level, right? Which means as Adonai, we know the past, present, and future as one singular "time." This means that Adonai already knows how the "story" ends. It used a metaphor for me a while back. It was putting the idea of "no time" in perspective by saying one could view Earth like a storybook. If a story sits on your bookshelf, you can access it whenever you want to. You can open it up and read the beginning, the middle, and the end as many times as you want without altering the story. That's right - the story never changes. BUT, your perspective may change, or you may read something that you missed the first few times. I doubt the latter applies to Adonai though. Lol.

You know why I feel so strongly about this? Not just because it's been brought to my attention - introduced to my path. It's because simultaneously, I'm being shown the interconnectedness of all things, and somehow, I don't think it's coincidence that Earth has what it has. Think about it: why do you think story is such a powerful tool for us? Why do we have stories in so many forms? Why do we have symbolism and metaphors? To help tell those stories! We're so fixated on stories. We tell them, we act them out, we paint them, we sing, we gossip about our own experiences, we try to tell our own stories rather than the ones other people project onto us. 

By nature, it seems, we are storytellers. It's rooted into us! But we can't tell stories if we don't have experiences to share - fictional or otherwise. Stories can't be told without experiences. The two go hand-in-hand!

So does it really matter if Adonai already knows the story? Of course not! Because it's experiencing its story firsthand through us. Through limiting skins. And that changes the perspective of the story drastically! Adonai is seeing all the things it missed... all the different perspectives... through us. As the author, it knows everything possible about the story in its purest form. But now, it's experiencing the story from the perspective of its characters, who are not only of its own making, but who contain their own perspectives in a limited, defined world.

This is how Adonai is "expressing" itself. This is how Adonai is "experiencing" itself... by living through the stories it's created on countless worlds. 

And this is also why everything we know is set in stone. We don't have free will. We don't have spontaneous natures. We don't "change our minds" on accident. Nothing is ever an accident, just like nothing is ever a coincidence. It's all defined already. But it's not a painful thought to me at all. In fact, being an artist/writer... it all makes sense to me. Characters in a book don't think they're being controlled. They don't think their lives have already been shaped - but the author still plans out every detail, ensuring that the story is fabulous, ensuring that the characters are well-defined with each of their backstories and personalities and identities. 

But because their lives have already been shaped, they know which direction to go in. So they progress, believing in the illusion of free will, because they're unaware that the force pulling them in a specific direction is the future that's already been written. 

At least now I understand why I've been so into Sims these past few days. I mean, I actually got a little bored playing it while in school - and I hadn't even done everything. But all of a sudden, I feel inclined to play... and what do you do when you play Sims? YOU TELL STORIES. Regardless of whether you're aware of it, you're telling stories through your Sims' lives. Each action you have them do is telling a story... just like my witch Sim, Rowena, when she was having a midlife crisis yesterday. She wanted to divorce her husband, Elliot, and even though I sat there, pondered it, and thought about how cool of a "plot twist" that would be, I deliberately chose for her to stay with him, because I wasn't done with her yet. 

And I'm sure it's not by chance or free will that all of this is coming together, either.

Now off to do a reading before playing with Elliot and Rowena. Hahaha.

Evaah