Gratitude

"Monarch of Love" - by Rassouli

In Spirit Walking, Evelyn Rysdyk states that practicing gratitude "allows individuals to have a physical and emotional resilience that was not accessible before." Gratitude is healing, and I personally feel that expressing it is necessary for us to be able to live in harmony with the world. Many of us choose to be grateful only for the "big stuff," or when circumstances call for it (e.g. when a family member has passed away, or when we're in an accident). Otherwise, we feel as though we have a right to everything comfortable in our lives. 

Evelyn Rysdyk writes about an exercise for creating a "Shamanic Gratitude Journal." Although she asks you to use an actual notebook, I wanted to take the time to list some things here. The rest will go in a journal.

So here are some of the things I'm grateful for...

+ My parents, for giving me the gift of life, for raising me well and in good health, for enriching my childhood, and for wanting me to be secure. 

+ My brother, for all his assistance over the years, and for helping me practice the art of patience and compassion. 

+ Spirit, for guiding me through my struggles, helping me with my issues at exactly the right moments in my life, and showing me the beauty and magic of the world.

+ My helping spirits Spike, Shiva, El'azar, Leon, Pierre, and the animal spirits who have crossed my path, for offering me wisdom, guidance, and insight when I needed it. 

+ Mother Earth, for giving me a beautiful home in which to learn, explore, and experience. 

+ All the friends I've had over the years, for all the company and lessons they had to offer. 

+ All the people whose hard work have given me a comfortable life, for providing me with shelter, food, clean water, clothing, entertainment, and the ability to express myself. 

+ Lor, for being a powerful catalyst in my life and helping me to love and care for myself. 

+ SCAD, for immersing me in a new experience and helping me realize my true path. 

+ All the beautiful sunsets, sunrises, meteor showers, full moons, snowfalls, thunderstorms, rainbows, clear winter skies, gorgeous autumn foliage, warm weather, ocean views, summer greens, and animal life I've had the pleasure of experiencing in all my twenty years, for reminding me how beautiful and inspirational pure nature is. 

+ All the plants and animals that have given up their physical forms so that I may be nourished. 

+ All the teachers who have crossed my path, for helping shape me into the individual I am today.


I'm truly grateful. 

 

Becoming a Person of Power

"The Third Eye" - by lusiusmalfoy @ deviantART

So, we ended up getting about 2 inches of snow by the end of Tuesday. And for those who haven't already heard, those 2 inches completely shut Atlanta down.

Essentially, what happened was that our city decided not to pre-treat the roads. We weren't sure if we would be getting that much accumulation, since the day before, we had enjoyed almost 60-degree weather. On top of that, many schools and businesses thought they would try and beat the snow - but their mistake was letting everyone off of work/school at the same time. It started snowing at noon, and within the hour, everyone who had gone to work and school began to leave. But as people were out dealing with this early sort of "rush hour," it got colder, and the snow that was melting on the supposedly warm streets began to freeze into sheets of ice, slowing all traffic down until it was completely gridlocked. There were loads of accidents; buses with kids on them couldn't go anywhere; people spent hours and hours in their cars and eventually abandoned them; police stopped responding to any accident that wasn't lethal, and the Georgia Department of Transportation couldn't get the roads treated because of the gridlock. Most roads they treated ended up refreezing an hour later, too. 

But through all this, we got to witness something truly amazing: strangers helping strangers. We heard stories of people who opened up businesses and convenience marts and even their own homes to take in stranded drivers. People would carry food and water and hot chocolate to those stuck on highways. Sheriffs would drive to people's houses and escort them to their abandoned cars. Tow services didn't charge those who couldn't reach their cars in time. 

It was a really beautiful thing to hear. In fact, we hardly had any news of people taking advantage of the situation. I read of one burglar who ended up getting stuck in the snow outside his victim's house, but that was it. Everything else consisted of people helping people. It was so awesome. 

Perhaps events like this will slowly start to affect the population - in which case I hope for more crises, as inconsiderate as that may sound. It's just so silly to me that we only feel obligated to help each other in times of catastrophe. 

Ah, well. In time, I guess.

Moving on, though, I finished Spirit Walking today, which unfortunately means I'm out of new reading material. But that's okay, because I plan on rereading each book and jotting down the various impressions and ideas I receive. It'll lead to better absorption and comprehension, I think. 

I do have quite a project ahead of me, though. I'm still working on healing fears and insecurities, but the path of becoming a person of power is a long and difficult one. I imagine it's like enduring a second childhood; it's magical and mystical, but at the same time, I'm essentially relearning how to live in this world. I'm unlearning everything that society has taught me and starting with a clean slate.

I'm beginning this journey with two things: awareness and gratitude. Becoming aware of how I act and react - especially when conversing with others - will help me identify potential issues that I need to address. Gratitude will help bring harmony and abundance as I work through the "icky" stuff.

One last thing to mention for today: I really need to work up the courage to tell my dad that I want to attend UMS. I think the guilt outweighs the embarrassment right now, because my parents are spending a lot lately, and I just found out today that my dad's been swamped with work. I feel like I'd be pestering him or stressing him out even more if I told him that I want to attend UMS and that I need help paying for it. 

But I need to act now. I can't sit and hope things will be delivered to me without any effort. I need to get over this fear... 

Zinn

"Let it Snow" - by depingo @ deviantART

I had a rather powerful dream this morning. I can't remember all the details, but I recall one significant moment - probably the most important of the entire dream. I was sitting with this kid named Zinn - he looked a lot like Micah Sanders from Heroes. I believe it was nighttime. Everyone else was sleeping, and I was awake with Zinn talking to him about his issues: his lack of confidence and self-esteem, mainly. I don't remember what all I told him, or if I was of any help to him, but at the end of the conversation, he told me how much he looked up to me for being a strong, wise, knowledgeable person. In response, I said that I wasn't perfect, and that I realized how much work goes into making yourself a more positive being. 

There was a bit after that which was rather inspired by Merlin (I've been rewatching it now that series 5 is available on Netflix streaming), but I don't remember enough of the details to even mention it. I will say, though, that I'm rather caught off guard by this encounter. I don't know who "Zinn" is - I rarely learn the names of dream characters - but I'm grateful I was able to have such a dream and remember it. It's a good representation of what I've been dealing with as of late. I have been getting better with my healing in regard to insecurity, self-esteem, and the like, but I still run into speed bumps, which I imagine are "tests" of sorts. I ran into one on Saturday, while having a conversation about healing and health with Lor. 

But it's okay. This dream was a powerful reminder of what I'm working toward. Speaking of dreams, I had another dream I recalled a few days ago that had me wandering in the woods with a group of people. Part of the group moved on into the woods, but a few of us stayed back for whatever reason, and as we were about to follow, I began to see a number of snakes that looked quite like black mambas (one of the deadliest snakes in the world) emerging from the forest floor. A little while later, I ran into a centaur...

I couldn't feel out the "essence" of that dream as well as I could with the Zinn dream, but the symbolism of the many snakes really sticks out to me. The snakes sort of served as an obstacle - we didn't want to tread past them and get bitten. I imagine, then, that this dream kind of represented moving on into unknown territory with a fear of failure or harm blocking my path. 

...Which also makes sense. Dreams, man. 

I was going to write a bit about ritualism today, but I have some other things to work on this morning, so I'll keep this post relatively brief. I will announce, though, that we're expecting a couple inches of snow today. That makes me beyond happy. It's been a while since I've seen snow, and I've yet to see what it looks like when it falls in this neighborhood. It's supposed to start in a couple hours. 

It makes me think of Zenoheria again, and Eron. Ah, but I'll save that for another day.

The Visionary

by alanpaints @ deviantart (Alan Hawley)

I finished reading Awakening to the Spirit World today, and began reading my second shamanism book, Spirit Walking - A Course in Shamanic Power. I feel lighter, more at peace, more enthusiastic about life, and more in-tune with the world. My eyes have really been opened, and I'm very happy to have finally reached this point in my development. 

The last couple chapters of Awakening to the Spirit World really put the history of humanity's spirituality into perspective. We're beginning to move into an age where people are taking their spirituality into their own hands. They are looking to ancient practices for answers - specifically the "primordial spirituality" that shamanism draws so heavily on. 

What I really like about this primordial spirituality is that it doesn't have a specific answer to the question: "where do we go after we die?" It doesn't have this elaborate design like many religions have. The farthest it goes is that you meet up with your guide(s), loved ones, and helping spirits and experience a life review. After that, we return to the Source, and... we won't know until we experience it ourselves. Unless you become earthbound, there's no well-crafted, comforting story detailing the life that awaits you after death.

I see things from a bigger perspective now. I can better understand exactly what our society has developed into, and how we may slowly begin to turn things around. That requires many of us to take the role of modern visionaries - modern shamans, if you will. There are millions of people "waking up" out there, and they'll need a guiding hand to ensure they help themselves - and their communities - as best they can. 

Interestingly enough, I did a small meditation last night in which I met a power animal. I tried to keep my other power animals/totems out of mind and ended up meeting a new one: Falcon. I've seen Falcon (and Hawk) in dreams before, but never really in meditations. 

The thing I learned/realized in Awakening to the Spirit World is that we shouldn't rely on the symbolism/interpretation of others. Shamanism is a path of "direct revelation"; therefore, any information received while journeying or dreaming is for you and you alone to interpret. The only problem is: in this day and age, we are so cut off from nature that it's hard for us to interpret what the spirits of the earth can teach us. We no longer observe how wolves interact in packs, or how birds hunt their prey, or how squirrels prepare for winter. Nature is "out there."

With that in mind, it seems we have two main options: to use others' insights as a foundation, or to develop our intuitive abilities to the point where we can simply ask the spirit what it's meant to represent. So I think the next time I meet with Falcon, I'll ask what he's here to help me with, although I think of a few themes already: visionary, keen sight, higher perspective, rising above, intensity... 

There's a lot on my mind right now, but I don't have the words for it all at the moment. Lately I've been trying to find a good name/domain for that blog I was talking about before, but all the ones I really want are taken. Perhaps I should ask in a journey what a good one would be (that isn't taken). 

Hope everyone's dreaming away!

The Call of Spirit

"Summer Rain" - by kaijae @ deviantART

It's been almost a week since I last posted? Oops. I guess I've been far too focused on miscellaneous things.

I began reading Awakening to the Spirit World - The Shamanic Path of Direct Revelation by Sandra Ingerman and Hank Wesselman the other day. And just like with Dreams of Awakening, I find my life is already changing. Awakening to the Spirit World affirms and confirms all the things I've been feeling about what spirit is and how it expresses itself to us. I've been drawn to shamanism for quite a while, but was hesitant to approach it, because I know people tend to get pretty nasty about others handling such a sacred practice. Although no one has a right to criticize my spirituality, I do realize that shamanism is one of the spiritual practices that is often misunderstood, and for that reason, its image has been tarnished by modern practitioners and the like. 

But this... this is something that I find I'm truly resonating with. Shamanism gives definition to the things I previously had no words for. I'm really beginning to feel like I'm finding my "place" in this world. I feel like I have enhanced vision. 

The crazy thing? Ever since I began reading Awakening to the Spirit World, I find my mind's eye has been particularly active. I'm beginning to remember my dreams again (bits and pieces, but I'll take it!), and in my half-awake states before and after sleep, I'm beginning to see lots of intriguing visions and images. A lot of it is of nature, although I did see something that looked like it was from "above" (the Upper World, as it's termed in shamanism) the other day. It was like a council of elders among the clouds, with galactic energy spilling down around them like waterfalls. A really powerful image...

And something else? Dreams of Awakening suggested that our waking reality is yet another layer to our dreams. Shamanism apparently recognizes the same thing: that life is a collective dream, dreamed by us. This has given me a whole new way of seeing (and even utilizing) our creative powers when it comes to manifestation. But not just that - it's given me a much richer view on life. 

I'm beginning to see that pieces are being put together. This whole emphasis on dreams, consciousness, oneness, archetypes... I'm being fed all sorts of information, but a lot of what I'm learning directly relates to my intuitive work and the career path I desire. I doubt that's a coincidence. Hell - I even met the boys again the other night, and was given a great big hug. It's like they've all been waiting for this moment. I needed that time away to become aware of my issues, because I've always been running from them. Now that I'm aware of them, and working toward addressing them, it seems I'm ready to return to the domain of spirit. I just need to keep riding this current, because I really feel like the momentum is building for something great. 

I'm filled with such powerful energy right now. What I'm learning has really resonated with and motivated me. It feels so wonderful to have that spark for spirit again. I really missed this. 

I'm being called back to spirit - and to nature. The whole world is rich and alive, and I look forward to renewing myself so that I can better connect with it all. 

The Dream of Life

"Mystery of the Universe" - by Rassouli

Things have been going pretty well these past few days in the relationship domain, so I'm going to take a break from blabbing about that, and instead talk about a most profound thought I had yesterday.

I've been reading Dreams of Awakening - finished it today, actually - and while I was reading about the various types of "weird" experiences associated with lucid dreaming (OBEs, prophetic dreams, false awakenings, sleep paralysis, etc.) I came across a paragraph in which the author says he doesn't believe OBEs take place in another physical dimension, but rather a mental one - which, he adds, "may seem to be separate from us," but "is in fact still within the realm of the larger universal mind that both encompasses and lies beyond the subjective limitations of our personal mind."

While this is kind of a profound thought to contemplate, it did get me thinking about a theory Charlie Morley touched upon in an earlier chapter of the book: that the waking state is simply another layer to the dreaming mind. If what research claims is true - that the brain doesn't differentiate between waking experiences and lucid dream experiences - then who's to say what we know as reality or waking life isn't a form of dream projected by our consciousness?

This is a pretty huge topic, but it definitely got me thinking. For a long while, I've always had a sense that there was something "dream-like" about life. It's rich with symbolism, and it always has a way of teaching and showing you things about yourself. Dreams of Awakening has completely altered the way I'm viewing reality, and I haven't even really starting the process of beginning to lucid dream yet. Of course, I go straight to thinking of the bigger picture - what in the world creates this "dream," and what's the point?

But then I realized: how do dreams serve us? For those who heed and express interest in their dreams, they give us glimpses of our unconscious, our psychology, and the shadow aspects that we've come to hide away. In other words, they show us who we truly are - they help us understand ourselves. Perhaps the "Dream of Life" (or reality) is exactly the same thing - but for the universal consciousness/god-consciousness. Think about it: if everything in our dreams is built from us and our consciousness - from objects to trees to dream characters - is it so crazy to wonder whether the same applies to waking life? That's what oneness teaches, right? We are one with everything and everyone in the world, just like we are one with everything and everyone in our dreams, because it's our consciousness that creates our dreams. 

We only see a small part of reality with our eyes. One tenth, according to Dreams of Awakening. The rest comes from our brains. So if we were blind, how "real" would reality actually be? We might be able to touch and taste and smell and hear, but would such senses be able to define "reality" well enough for us? What would our sense of "reality" be reduced to?

Interestingly enough, this question of "reality" plays on a previous notion I was toying with half a year ago: we being projections of our own unique consciousness. But this time, I'm gravitating toward one singular oneness - not the infinite "god selves," because even though the latter is still technically part of a "oneness system," it still emphasizes distinction and individuality, which I'm not so sure is true anymore. I think more than anything, the idea of having a unique "god self" is a bit ego-centric. It feeds the ego, who likes to think it's in control, and that it will continue to exist beyond death. Of course, I'm not saying we're just projections. After all, the idea here is that similarly to dream characters, we are projections and manifestations of the dreamer: universal/god-consciousness.

There are a lot of unanswered questions here, but somehow, I feel like I'm on the right track. I think a mix of mindfulness, meditation, and lucid dreaming will further assist me in understanding my perception of reality. I'm going to have a lot of thoughts about this... I just hope my fingers can keep up. 

Before I can really start getting into lucid dreaming, I need to figure out what's going on with my sleep cycle, and get to a point of being able to remember my dreams regularly again. My mom suggested that perhaps drinking my green tea in the afternoon is keeping me awake at night, and is therefore screwing with my normal sleep cycle. I'm not sure if this is entirely the case, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to start drinking my tea earlier to see whether things change. After all, I came across these symptoms on Coffee & Health:

The most marked effects of caffeine on sleep, even at levels equivalent to those of a single cup of coffee, have been well documented. They consist principally of prolonged sleep latency, shorter total sleep time, increases in light sleep and shortening of deep sleep time, as well as more frequent awakenings. REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep is less affected. These effects depend not only on the amount of caffeine ingested at bedtime, but also on the amount of caffeine ingested over the whole day. 

I suffer from all of these effects. Plus, up until recently, I've always had my tea (some variation of green or white or oolong) with a square of dark chocolate, which, I've read, contains a lot of caffeine as well. You would think that a cup of tea and a square of chocolate doesn't seem like a lot of caffeine, but... maybe it's a lot more than we realize.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see. I just hope it helps, because I'd really like to get back into dreaming... and remembering those dreams. 

Disorientation

by hoooook @ deviantART

I've been feeling a little off and disoriented these past couple days. Could even say I'm quite confused. I keep receiving various impressions from Lor, but when I address them, he always seems to suggest the opposite. These are intuitive impressions, and since I pride myself with a sharp intuition, I'm finding myself confused and conflicted. Are my impressions actually right? If they are, does that mean he's lying to me? 

He told me he has no reason to lie, and if that's true, then that would mean most of my intuitive impressions are wrong. I admit that scares me a little since intuition is my strongest tool. 

I just receive a very strong impression from him that he's "putting me on ice" because as time passes, he's finding that I'm not what he wants. I'm willing to accept that this may be a fear, but I've observed his behavior these past couple weeks and noticed that he's changed. Perhaps this is a part of the whole leaving-honeymoon-phase thing, but he honestly does seem a bit more distant. 

It's funny how we cling to people even if one or both of us thinks we're not suitable for each other. I mean, I love Lor, and I'm interested in learning all about him, but now that these thoughts of him losing interest are floating around in my head, I find myself worrying and clinging a bit more. It leads to a lot of disorientation as I wonder, "can I change? Should I change? What parts of me does he like most, and how can I use that to keep him around? What doesn't he like?"

This is my first real relationship, and I was hoping it would last longer than a couple months. Of course, all of this could just be me freaking out and being oversensitive. Still.. I seem to be the one making the most effort here, and that's a little disheartening. He says enough to keep me around. But if talking is the only thing we can do, then I need him to talk to me - not just tell me what I want to hear when my insecurities throw a tantrum. 

I realize it's a vicious circle. I cling to him because he gives me the love and attention that I have trouble giving myself, but I fear getting to that state of self-love because I feel like that would give him permission to neglect me (i.e. "Oh, she loves herself? Now I can give her less attention and affection"). Then, of course, I think: if that's really what he ends up doing, then he's not worth it, and I should move on. I deserve better. But thinking that leads to: I can't move on - he's my first real partner and I want to give him a chance! He's been so sweet to me! And it starts all over again. 

I think more than anything right now, I need time and patience. He's got more going on in his life right now than I do, and I have to trust him when he says he loves me and cares. There have been plenty of questionable moments, but I'm led to believe that they were simply moments of misinterpretation or exaggeration based on my fears and insecurities. There's no way to know for certain whether he's really telling the truth, but that's where trust comes into play. 

It's going to take time, and a lot of blog posts, but I'm going to heal, dang it. I'm going to resolve this.  

The Honeymoon Phase

So staying away from Lor didn't really help. I had awfully weak willpower, as well. Kept staring at Skype watching him leave messages and just feeling so eager to talk to him. In the evening, I just ended up succumbing. 

We pretty much talked on and off all day. Spent the morning discussing my feelings on undivided attention. He told me that he shouldn't be monopolizing my life, but I actually disagree a little. He's important to me, and I'm perfectly fine "dropping everything" to spend time with him. That's what I - as an introvert and lover - want to do for him. And on the plus side, there's nothing else important going on in my life right now, so I can afford to "drop everything." In fact, I'm not dropping anything at all. There's nothing to drop. 

But after listening to his own experience on the matter (with his ex-fiancée, too), a notion popped into my head: we aren't in the honeymoon phase anymore. It happened so fast; it seems like the day he left home for a week, we moved from the honeymoon phase into what he calls the "work-on-things phase." It hasn't even been two months yet. 

It made me realize, though - this is part of the reason why I've been feeling so neglected. In the honeymoon phase, I received a lot of attention and affection from him. Every day, almost all day, we spent time together, exchanging our energy and exploring how well we clicked. Once he left home for a week and came back sick, though... that all slowed down. He spent more time focusing on other areas of his life, and suddenly, I found myself becoming upset and frustrated with his lack of attention. 

The more we talked today, the clearer I began to see things: as someone bearing the Wounded Child archetype, I've been emotionally neglected in my family and even amongst certain circles of friends throughout my twenty years of life. I see now that my inner Saboteur is trying exceedingly hard to torch everything Lor and I have built together so far because Wounded Child is terrified of being neglected and/or abandoned by those she loves. She fears that with the decrease in attention Lor's been giving me, he'll stop caring in the upcoming weeks. She fears he'll eventually join the mass of those who have neglected or abandoned her. But Saboteur says, "No way in hell. We're stopping this before that can happen, sweetie," and begins her work to back away from Lor. 

It's remarkable what the Saboteur energy is capable of. It makes me wonder just how many of my nitpicks and fears regarding this relationship are projected by the energy of Saboteur. Wounded Child seems to be BFFs with Saboteur; it's almost like Saboteur is Child's vicious protector. The ego/mind is truly amazing, but equally terrifying. Really gets you thinking...

Lor tells me he's been trying to find a balance in his life between his studies, free time, and me, and that so far, he hasn't found it. I felt really guilty when he said that, because ever since the ending of the honeymoon phase, I've been a lot more insecure and therefore highly demanding when it comes to his attention. But that's not a healthy kind of love. That's not even love at all; that's simply substitution. I latch on to his affection because I'm not generating enough in myself. It's not enough to rely on the love of others - and this is probably why so many relationships are painful and confusing. We look for love and appreciation outside of ourselves, and when we seem to find it, we latch on... unwilling to face the problem at heart (no pun intended?). 

I admit I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of change. It's why this shift from honeymoon phase to "work-on-things" phase has hit harder than it probably should have. Even though I know this would all have been worth it if Lor and I part ways, I still can't bring myself to think about losing him. I have to stop taking things so seriously... but my problems are so deeply rooted that it'll take a lot of time and meditation and affirmations to start to heal. 

During our talk, Lor said something very sweet and empowering to me:

"Misery? That's easy. And very unfulfilling. But I didn't call you mine because I wanted something easy. I called you mine because I knew you had the strength to grow with me." 

I'm truly grateful to him for being my "rock" - my voice of reason. For keeping cool and helping me talk through things. He's been such a powerful force/catalyst in my life, and even though it's painful, I know in the end I will be a much stronger and happier person for it. 

Although I will mourn the honeymoon phase, I will welcome the "work-on-things" phase with open arms, because I know it will clear the way for a happier, more nurturing relationship.

Lack of Communication

by Alex Grey

Another restless night. This time, though, I spent an hour listening to my favorite Shiva meditations - it's been a while since I last listened to them. It was nice to feel the Shiva energy around again.. in a way I felt like he was helping me destroy the issues I've been working on.

I've chosen to take a few steps away from Lor right now. Yesterday, I made the realization that I've been feeling a little neglected ever since Lor left home for a week. It seems like the moment I found out he was leaving to go hang out with GW friends, he was fixated on other things and didn't appear as interested in hanging out with me. When we talk on Skype, it's almost always me pulling the conversation along. If I don't bring up something to talk about, we just sit in silence, and even though Lor says he doesn't mind the silence, I still feel like he's been showing less interest in spending time with me. He was recently able to get GW working again, and so he's now splitting half his attention between that (and online friends) and me. He says he can multitask and that he loves listening to me, but I'm not sure I buy it. Often times when I notice his attention focused more on GW, I'll tell him that I'll just leave him alone to do his thing. In the recent past, whenever I would say this, he would try and get me to stay. But it seems now, he's perfectly okay with setting me to the side to focus on his game and guild and roleplay. 

I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. Fortunately, I've reached a point in my healing where I've begun to tolerate it. I shrug it off and think, "I guess he'll talk to me when he really needs to." I find myself less clingy and needy these days. But I'm still a little bothered by his divided attention. If this wasn't a long-distance relationship, I don't think this would be a problem. I'd be more than words on a screen to respond to. 

So I asked him yesterday to tell me what was going on... and he ended up sharing a lot of things that he had never mentioned before: mainly his feelings regarding personal life stuff, and fears over our relationship (he admitted being afraid of not being alone). I asked him why he wouldn't tell me this before, and he just said he needed to come to terms with it.

I told him I understand that, but it still frustrates me because it leaves me in the dark. People aren't lying when they say communication is key in a relationship. I've been sitting here wondering what I'm doing wrong - whether I'm becoming boring to him, or not a priority. And now I feel selfish, because I want to be his priority (well, after himself, of course). I assumed by now he would be highly aware of my fears and insecurities, and as such, would let me know when things weighing on his mind would affect our communication. But instead, he agitates those fears by withholding information, and therefore makes things worse.

So that's something else to address in myself. I guess this all stems from trust. I still haven't reached the point where I fully trust him. I will say, though, that even though this process is frustrating as hell, it's been highly interesting to watch the cause-and-effect, as well as the interaction between my archetypal energies. I've seen all four survival archetypes surface in our exchanges in the past couple of weeks, as well as Hero, who desperately wants to heal my issues NOW so that it can heal Lor's. Fascinating stuff.

As I mentioned earlier, I just decided on giving him some space. Clearly, he has other things he would rather focus his energy on right now, and I'm not going to selfishly request his undivided attention when he doesn't seem entirely willing to give it. I feel strong enough now to not need it 24/7, anyway. Even though it's a little tough, I think it may be a wise choice for now. Maybe it'll give him the time to reflect on what I mean to him, and whether I'm important enough to take priority over his in-game life. 

As a final remark: wow. It's really freaking cold outside. Apparently it felt like -5 when I woke up. Crazy stuff. Beyond fortunate to have a heater running almost non-stop.    

Frost

"December" - by Anna Dittmann (escume @ deviantART)

We got our first blast of really cold winter air overnight. There are gorgeous little flurries dancing in the air right now. Sometimes they get so numerous that it almost looks like snow - and I get excited. Maybe I should just stop hoping for snow. I just miss it; it's so comforting and magical to watch. Plus, I haven't seen what it looks like in this neighborhood when it snows. 

The high for today is 25 F, and we're expecting to hit a low of freaking 7 degrees tonight. It hasn't been that cold in years.

I had a rough night of sleep. I was awake for almost two hours listening to all sorts of things moving and falling on the house (it was windy). And when I finally fell asleep, I was restless. It makes me wonder if I should even try. I'm not in school anymore, after all. I just miss the days when I was able to get up at 7 AM. 

Would going to bed earlier help? I have no idea. I feel like that would be worse. For now, I'll keep going to bed close to midnight, and if it seems like I can't sleep, I'll do other things. Maybe I'll get back into meditation, or start preparing my mind for lucid dreaming again. 

I never mentioned that, did I? A few weeks back, I purchased three books: Dreams of Awakening by Charlie Morley, Spirit Walking - A Course in Shamanic Power by Evelyn C. Rysdyk, and Awakening to the Spirit World - The Shamanic Path of Direct Revelation by Sandra Ingerman and Hank Wesselman. I began reading Dreams of Awakening yesterday, and even though I've only been reading through the introductory stuff, it's still been highly interesting. One tidbit stuck out to me the most:

The implications are huge - our neurological system doesn't differentiate between waking and lucid dream experiences. In other words, for our brain, there is no discernible difference between lucid dreams and waking life.

It's definitely an idea I resonate with. It's kind of confirmed something I always felt I knew about the dream world, or the dream state. I won't even pretend to know what dreams are or why we have them; I can only determine a meaning or purpose for myself. 

So why the lucid dreaming again? Well, I never really got far into it the first time. When I tried a year ago or so, I remember only having two "witnessing dreams" (in which you are aware you're lucid but choose to simply watch the dream unfold). I stopped trying for whatever reason, and never had another after that. 

But lately, I found myself wanting to try again. I want to learn about dreams, as well as various states of consciousness, and how it all relates to spirit - hence the books on shamanism. As my interest in spirituality returns, I find myself longing to study the "old ways." There's something about shamanism that really captures my interest (much like branches of paganism). It feels primal and natural. I find a lot of new age views tend to be a bit too "sky-oriented," as well as constricting. It's a bit hard to explain what I mean by this, but think of what spiritualists often believe in: past lives, karma, angels/guides, starseeds, astral planes, soul groups, afterlives, etc. We tend to want to look "above," or focus on what comes before/after our present lives. This isn't in any way a wrong view. I'm still interested in these various areas of spiritualism, actually. But I've always felt a connection to the more primal, ancient energies of nature and the planet, and I feel like those energies often end up missed by those who have their gazes fixed indefinitely to the stars. 

It reminds me of a quote from Avatar, when Jake asks who Eywa is. Norm answers, "Who's Eywa? Only their deity! Their goddess, made up of all living things. Everything they know!" 

From the Avatar Wiki:

Eywa is the guiding force and deity of Pandora and the Na'vi. The Na'vi believe that Eywa acts to keep the ecosystem of Pandora in perfect equilibrium. Some believe that this interconnectedness, which on Earth is merely a spiritual concept, exists in a physical and tangible way on Pandora, in the form of a strange, collective, psionic consciousness embedded in the planet, drawn from all Pandoran life. It is, in a way, a little like a huge biological internet; the trees being computer servers that store information.

The reason I mention this is because I watched Avatar recently with my brother, and its information seemed a lot more relevant to thoughts I've been having on spirit and its connection with Earth. I'm going to elaborate on this in another post, but I often wonder if a similar system is in place here on Earth - most of us have simply forgotten how to connect with it. 

There are a lot more thoughts on my mind in regard to all these topics, but they'll have to wait for subsequent posts, as I need to start being productive today.

A Pang of Frustration

"Afflatus" - by lusiusmalfoy @ deviantART

I start my day holding on to more pain and hurt. Hurrah.

Brother left some 20 minutes ago. As soon as he drove down the street, my mom says to me, "I miss him already." I made the mistake of telling her how I really felt: that he was draining, and that even though I love the kid, I, as an introvert, don't want to hear him constantly brag and belittle. She, of course, made it seem like I was the only one who had a problem with it; after all, he's her precious firstborn. I tell her he makes me feel like crap, and she scoffs, "I don't think that's what he's trying to do."

I was outraged at the lack of care she showed toward me. It just reinforced all the things I've been thinking these past years about being shadowed by my brother. I don't shine as brightly as my brother, and I don't think I ever will, because I'm not going to live up to what my parents want me to be. 

...Shiva. I can't wait to get out of this house. Would it be wrong of me to shut them out of my life? If I'm not respected, or given the compassion that I so desperately crave from these people, is it so wrong to want to have nothing to do with them? I'm just a joke now, apparently. A burden. A trash can to spill all your junk into. 

I don't want to "prove" anything to them anymore. I just want to get away and exclude them from my life, because at this point, I don't think they deserve to know about it. But of course, there are steps I need to take before I can do that. I need to prepare for a reliable career and figure out where I'm going to go from there.

I decided to pursue UMS again - the University of Metaphysical Sciences. I actually found a similar college that has a campus location in Florida (as well as long-distance learning), but I don't resonate with it as well. I figured it would fit with my dad's "school or military" ultimatum. I just hope I have the words to persuade him if he isn't automatically on board. 

It's a solid decision, I think. A little over $2,000 for three degrees (bachelor's, master's, doctorate) plus course materials. It would give me the certification and background I need for a career in metaphysics, and would probably put my parents' minds a little more at ease, even if they don't think metaphysics is a well-paying domain. It would take me about a year to complete, which is about the time I have before dad returns from overseas and begins packing away the house. But by then, it could be possible that I have an actual job. I could apply for something when I have my bachelor's or master's, and perhaps earn up enough cash to get me started in life. 

It's better than anything else I have planned. I'm expecting to sit down with dad sometime in the middle of the week to respond to his ultimatum, and I'm thinking I can look proactive by gathering all the information I need on UMS before then. 

...Yeah, that's me totally trying to prove something, isn't it? Oh well. I guess I'll just try and make them happy while I'm in contact with them. After that, adios. 

Guess I'll try to be a little productive today, although that'll be hard to do in my current mental state. Plus, it's foggy, cold, and overcast. Hmph.   

First Steps to Healing

"Lightweaver" - by Alex Grey

Been a slow, moody, down day. I'm trying hard not to overreact or freak out with all the stuff dwelling in my psyche right now. Between the insecurities and last-minute panic regarding what to do with my life... well, it's all been keeping me quite occupied.

I realized a little while back that I have no idea how to begin healing. I've found many issues, but how the hell do I fix them? There's more to the healing process than simply identifying issues and erasing them from your awareness. I know it's not something I can do overnight, or even in the course of a couple weeks. I think this is perhaps one of the reasons why people prefer to remain wounded. I know that people tend to connect over their wounds (or in some cases, draw attention because of them), but it makes me wonder how many people in the world legitimately know how to heal. Probably why most of us resort to medications and therapists and, Shiva forbid, addictions. Of course, I'm not hating on therapists. I think they can be helpful for many situations. It just can be difficult for some to see a therapist - especially if they're of a spiritual mindset. I'm mainly talking about the ability to self-heal, though. Most of us don't know how to heal ourselves, so we rely on others to do it for us (the same can be said about religion, now that I think about it, but that's a different topic entirely). 

As I said, I'm one of the majority. I've never really healed anything in my youth. I just held on to all my past hurts until they resurfaced years later. I'm unfamiliar with the healing process. I know it has its highs and lows. I was feeling really great late last night until I woke up this morning and experienced an insecurity trigger. 

So as a first step, I called upon my old friend El'azar and asked him for the first three steps I should take in approaching my healing process:

The first step is represented by Knight of Arrows - Hawk. I've always associated birds of prey with keen sight, or seeing things from a larger perspective. It's been hard for me to see the bird's eye view these days, what with so much clouding my vision. As a totem, Hawk can support you in seeing through layers of doubt and uncertainty to the heart of the matter... which I definitely need. As an event or happening, Hawk represents a speedy turn of events (true), a decision that needs to be made (sorta true), a revolutionary inspiration (also sorta true) and a violent reaction (true). Hawk asks the question: in the depths of doubt, what do you hold to strongly? What do you need to stand up for? Where might you be wrongly informed?

That last question stands out the most, since a lot of the pain I've suffered (at least with Lor) stemmed from miscommunication and misinterpretation. That's not exactly being "wrongly informed," but it's along the same line. As for doubt, I never really thought about what I hold on to. It's kind of difficult to say. Affection? Love? The need for attention? The hope that things will all turn around? Probably a mix of all of these things, and more. 

The second step is represented by Page of Stones - Lynx. Here, I'm being asked to pay attention to the physical realm, and be aware of the effects generated by everything I do. A strain of wildness and lack of forethought can sometimes hamper my forward passage, but careful consideration redresses the balance. I have to remember that I'm learning the ropes with this whole healing business (and even relationship business). Lynx asks: what data do I need to make a good decision? What can I learn from this situation? What needs my dedicated commitment? 

The third step is represented by Page of Arrows - Wren. Study and application brings wisdom and understanding which can be applied to most situations. My youth and determination will carry me forward, and my skills will bring me to a dynamic realization. Wren calls on me to have fortitude, determination, and daring through my difficulties, and to think the whole plan through. How can I engage flexibly with my situation? What gives me the necessary bravado to face this challenge? What do I need to learn to overcome? What is the mystery at the heart of the matter? 

Some meditation will probably be required for this. I'll come back to this post tomorrow when I'm not as distracted. 

The Submissive Female

I was going to write more about this whole "what to do with my life" conundrum (especially after yesterday, when my dad practically gave me an ultimatum: school or military if I don't come up with something else), but I think I need a little break from that. So instead, I wanted to elaborate on a topic I mentioned several days ago - Lor's strong masculine energy and my submissive feminine energy.

For years now, I always prided myself with being independent, responsible, and in touch with my masculine side. I never really considered myself submissive to anyone or anything - nor did I consider myself overly feminine. I resonated well with aspects in both masculinity and femininity, so I always assumed I was rather balanced in this area. 

And perhaps I was. But when I started seeing Lor, something interesting began to happen. A new side of me began to emerge: the submissive female. This caught me entirely off guard - especially since I'm a bit of a feminist (mostly with mentality; I admit I don't actively vocalize my feminist self). I always loathed the idea of a man not seeing a woman as an equal, or expressing dominance over her... seeing her as property. But this new submissive female in me began to arise - particularly after Lor admitted being dominant. 

As I mentioned before, Lor is pretty good at sensing various types of energy; he can even sense the flow of breath from afar at times. He claims he's not as good as he was a few years back, but I'm still impressed by him and I'm expecting his gift to return as he heals his past issues and spends time with a spiritually aligned partner (me). We're both pretty good at sensing each other's energy. I can usually tell when he's calm or tired or even lusty (ha). But in general, I can literally feel his dominance - his "alpha" nature. It's not an abusive energy at all. It might be a little firm at times, but only because it cares. 

The surprising thing? I'm actually drawn to that energy. Me. The one who prided herself with being independent and even a little dominant herself. Lor and I have come to the conclusion that this has been a dormant aspect of myself. But what interests me is that even though it's been largely dormant, I've noticed it peek out at times over the past several years. I never knew exactly what it was, though, because it doesn't simply manifest as the thought: "I want a dominant figure to take care of me." It mainly manifests through certain behaviors, gestures, and interests.

Exploring this submissive side of me has been quite an adventure. Lor and I explore it - as well as his dominant, "animalistic" energy - often, to see how well the two complement each other. And so far... they resonate quite closely, like they belong together. 

Learning about the dynamics of these two forces has helped me further understand myself and Lor. Lor literally awakened a side of me that I wasn't aware of, and in turn, helped me learn and utilize a new facet of my being. I've come to realize that relationships based on the dominant/submissive dynamics aren't abusive at all. They're entirely consensual, and they're actually quite beautiful, because at the center of it all is trust. It's a big step in trust to be able to rely on a dominant partner in numerous areas - to become dependent on someone. You have to trust that they are willing and ready to take care of all your needs. You have to trust that they care for you and your happiness.

There have been a few speed bumps in this exploration, but it's only helped me identify fears and insecurities. It's also helped me with my intuitive sense. So with that in mind, I'm beginning to embrace this submissive feminine energy. I want to see where it leads me.

Trees in Winter

by haimeart @ deviantART

I came across a quote on tumblr from poet Jeffrey McDaniel that I really enjoyed: 

"I realize there's something incredibly honest about trees in winter - how they're experts at letting things go."

It got me thinking: perhaps I should be more in tune with nature and start thinking about letting go as a first step in this self-love campaign. A lot of the things I feel insecure about stem from past hurts involving people I've come into contact with: be it old peers or acquaintances from school, family, or strangers I've encountered over the internet. As I mentioned before, I've basically allowed the comments and perspectives of others to prevent me from fully loving myself. I've allowed myself to believe that I'm not worthy of much - and that's a terrible view to have. 

So what can I let go of? I think the most significant of "junk" is from my own family: the teasing from my brother and father, the lecturing from my parents and brother, my mother's disappointment, my brother's prideful boasting, and so on. I keep all that clutter deep in my psyche - perhaps even my energy - because after years and years of this, I've allowed it to basically shape my image. If I act "out-of-character" in my family, I get called out. My immediate family is used to me being a certain way: the shy, antisocial introvert who wants nothing more than solitude - and to spite those who don't give it to her. Ironically enough, though, it was my family's words and actions that created this bitter "phantasm" they think they know so well. 

It's hard to let go, though, when my family keeps adding on more to hold on to. Having my brother over is a perfect example. I'm still holding on to my family's negativity from the past... yet whenever my brother comes over, he adds on more because I resist him. So then, it seems I have two options: to engage in a continual process of holding on and letting go, or to simply not resist. I feel the latter can be quite detrimental, though - even in less severe cases, such as with my brother. My brother doesn't abuse or harm me; he simply degrades me with a lot of teasing, and when I don't show an interest in his company, he takes it personally and tries to spite me whenever he has the chance. I get the impression that this is his self-defense mechanism - it's kind of similar to mine. Rather than show weakness, he tries to exert superiority by making me feel inferior. He's always spouting his nonsense about how perfect and lovable he is, and how his life is amazing. And even though it has nothing to do with me, I still get angry listening to him, and I hold on to that anger until it reaches the point where I don't want to see him. 

I think the art of letting go is a form of achieving inner peace, and as such, is very similar to the art of balance. Balance is not something you achieve once for the rest of your life. There is a conscious effort to remain in balance, just as there is a conscious effort to remain at peace. Perhaps letting go is only a challenge now because I don't have much experience with it. I've held on to all this nasty stuff over the years and pushed it down deep where I wouldn't have to face it. But like trees in winter, I need to become an expert at letting go. Because only when I let go will I be able to make room for newer, brighter, healthier leaves. 

A Breath of Fresh Air

10 AM on January 1, and it's overcast again. We're expecting rain later on this evening too... just like last year. It's like another purification - except this year, it makes more sense, because it seems like all energy is fixated on manifestation, and building something fresh and new. 

I feel good. I'm still feeling a little doubtful and anxious, though, because I'm not quite sure what I want to manifest - especially after receiving a return reading from one of my Sacred Days sitters. This is what she had to say: 

Current situation: 8 of Cups. My cards suggest that you're emotionally or physically (gut says it's more emotionally) distancing yourself from something - leaving it behind.

What you need to know: There's a vibe of restlessness in the air which, though perfectly understandable, may not be helping your cause (4 of Cups reversed, Ace of Swords reversed). The dominance of Cups in this spread indicates that it's likely to be emotional - perhaps you're a bit too set on exactly what 'the next stage' should look like, or are prone to emotionally wavering to the point where good opportunities may be missed, and only recognised in hindsight. It's time to regroup a bit and consolidate in your mind exactly what you need Vs what you want, what your top priorities are Vs all major and minor priorities. Once you have a clearly idea of what you're aiming for, you might make better headway. Think less 'Golden Opportunity' and more 'Best opportunity currently on offer at this time that is suitable for me and my current goals'.

Advice: There are two possible readings for the next two cards - 10 of Cups reversed and Devil reversed. Usually this indicates a lack of social support and unshackling yourself from constrictive points of view/behaviours, but for some reason I get the impression that the advice is to leave a particular social group (work, family, friends, hobby group...) because it's their headset that's holding you down. Devil reversed always signifies "Liberation" to me, and a much more balanced perspective. You might be scared because the outcome of taking such an action is unclear to you at this point (The Blank Card), but it still feels a lot fresher and brighter than where you are currently :)

That bit about the "Golden Opportunity" obviously caught my attention. Here I was, planning to exert my energy toward manifesting my dream scenario, even though I had no idea how I was going to get from here to there. It's really hard to say whether what I want is too ridiculous to ask for. It's not like I'm requesting everything be super-awesome, after all. I'm simply asking for a specific career, and maybe a specific location. But should I even ask for that? Is that too unreasonable?

Her cards did suggest that I'm too set on what the next stage should look like. Perhaps I need to be more adventurous and let some of the details go. But which details? 

Interestingly enough, while the three of us were out eating yesterday, my mom brought up one possible opportunity: becoming an assistant to my dad's TESOL instructor. This instructor loves my dad, and therefore loves our family (well, she hasn't met me, but I hear we're quite alike), so I think it might be quite easy for me to get a job under her if I so desired. Teaching English as a second language isn't something I want to do, though. I could probably help her with other tasks, but I definitely wouldn't want to teach (which I think her assistant does). 

It would keep me in Georgia, which I only dislike because I really want to see if I could potentially live closer to Lor. I'm not sure it'd be enough cash to fully support me, though, unless she's feeling generous and really likes me. And on the side, I would do what I enjoy...

It's a tough call. But if I don't do something like this, which I feel is a solid opportunity, then I'd be forced to dig around. And digging around is quite difficult when you don't have much to offer.

I have to remember that the best things take some effort to get to. I can't expect to just jump into the spiritual business with no certification and end up rolling in enough dough to keep me secure. And it's not like I can rely on Lor; he's still in college for a couple years and lives with his family. Besides, as much as it pains me to admit, it's still too early in our relationship. I have to slow down. I have to be patient and enjoy the ride... 

Some contemplation is in order. I need to sort out some priorities and reflect on what I honestly can and cannot do right now.