The Honeymoon Phase

So staying away from Lor didn't really help. I had awfully weak willpower, as well. Kept staring at Skype watching him leave messages and just feeling so eager to talk to him. In the evening, I just ended up succumbing. 

We pretty much talked on and off all day. Spent the morning discussing my feelings on undivided attention. He told me that he shouldn't be monopolizing my life, but I actually disagree a little. He's important to me, and I'm perfectly fine "dropping everything" to spend time with him. That's what I - as an introvert and lover - want to do for him. And on the plus side, there's nothing else important going on in my life right now, so I can afford to "drop everything." In fact, I'm not dropping anything at all. There's nothing to drop. 

But after listening to his own experience on the matter (with his ex-fiancée, too), a notion popped into my head: we aren't in the honeymoon phase anymore. It happened so fast; it seems like the day he left home for a week, we moved from the honeymoon phase into what he calls the "work-on-things phase." It hasn't even been two months yet. 

It made me realize, though - this is part of the reason why I've been feeling so neglected. In the honeymoon phase, I received a lot of attention and affection from him. Every day, almost all day, we spent time together, exchanging our energy and exploring how well we clicked. Once he left home for a week and came back sick, though... that all slowed down. He spent more time focusing on other areas of his life, and suddenly, I found myself becoming upset and frustrated with his lack of attention. 

The more we talked today, the clearer I began to see things: as someone bearing the Wounded Child archetype, I've been emotionally neglected in my family and even amongst certain circles of friends throughout my twenty years of life. I see now that my inner Saboteur is trying exceedingly hard to torch everything Lor and I have built together so far because Wounded Child is terrified of being neglected and/or abandoned by those she loves. She fears that with the decrease in attention Lor's been giving me, he'll stop caring in the upcoming weeks. She fears he'll eventually join the mass of those who have neglected or abandoned her. But Saboteur says, "No way in hell. We're stopping this before that can happen, sweetie," and begins her work to back away from Lor. 

It's remarkable what the Saboteur energy is capable of. It makes me wonder just how many of my nitpicks and fears regarding this relationship are projected by the energy of Saboteur. Wounded Child seems to be BFFs with Saboteur; it's almost like Saboteur is Child's vicious protector. The ego/mind is truly amazing, but equally terrifying. Really gets you thinking...

Lor tells me he's been trying to find a balance in his life between his studies, free time, and me, and that so far, he hasn't found it. I felt really guilty when he said that, because ever since the ending of the honeymoon phase, I've been a lot more insecure and therefore highly demanding when it comes to his attention. But that's not a healthy kind of love. That's not even love at all; that's simply substitution. I latch on to his affection because I'm not generating enough in myself. It's not enough to rely on the love of others - and this is probably why so many relationships are painful and confusing. We look for love and appreciation outside of ourselves, and when we seem to find it, we latch on... unwilling to face the problem at heart (no pun intended?). 

I admit I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of change. It's why this shift from honeymoon phase to "work-on-things" phase has hit harder than it probably should have. Even though I know this would all have been worth it if Lor and I part ways, I still can't bring myself to think about losing him. I have to stop taking things so seriously... but my problems are so deeply rooted that it'll take a lot of time and meditation and affirmations to start to heal. 

During our talk, Lor said something very sweet and empowering to me:

"Misery? That's easy. And very unfulfilling. But I didn't call you mine because I wanted something easy. I called you mine because I knew you had the strength to grow with me." 

I'm truly grateful to him for being my "rock" - my voice of reason. For keeping cool and helping me talk through things. He's been such a powerful force/catalyst in my life, and even though it's painful, I know in the end I will be a much stronger and happier person for it. 

Although I will mourn the honeymoon phase, I will welcome the "work-on-things" phase with open arms, because I know it will clear the way for a happier, more nurturing relationship.