Countdown

Well, now that October's basically over (in 2 hours anyway), Nanowrimo will now be the center of my life for the next month. 

Yeah. I take it pretty seriously. I'm kind of fiercely competitive when it comes to word count, too. So I'm going to spring awake tomorrow morning and write as much as I can before I spend the next 6-7 hours at school. I hope I can get a good lead on the writing buddies I have living out in the west. Lol. 

One of the reasons I love Nano so much is because it gets me pumped up for writing. It puts pressure on me, and when I have that pressure - or sense of competition - I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goal. And since writing is something I've wanted to do since I was little, it's nice to know that I can come up with a whole novel in a month (usually less than a month, but in the past four years, I always had a good idea of what I was writing because it had been a project I'd been working on for months in advance - plotwork and whatnot). Plus, I like all the excitement behind it - it's so awesome - yet intimidating - to see so many people wanting to write books of their own. Intimidating because it's scary to think about all the things these people are writing about. Is it anything close to what I'm writing about? What if these people get published? Then I might get someone trying to sue me for inadvertently writing about something similar. Because you know... people love to sue.

It makes me wonder what life would be like if everything truly was paradise. If we still wrote books - and why wouldn't we - would people be so nasty to each other over creative property? Or would we finally just be able to appreciate a good story, even if some elements are inspired by another tale? Same applies to art and music. I would think if it were really peace on Earth, people would just express compassion and appreciation. Some of you might be snickering to yourself, in which case I'll link you to a relevant post on my sister blog. 

But paradise aside, that's why I'm glad I'm in the spiritual fiction department. Not that many people are gutsy enough to attempt to write - or even publish - fiction with a lot of spiritual elements to it. This isn't a matter of "guts" for me, though. This is just something I know I have to do, both for myself and as part of my quest to empower others. Plus, it's something I enjoy. 

So yeah. I had a pretty good day today. Critique went well. Came home and had absolutely nothing to do. Mom got us some sushi, and I curled up in front of a few episodes of Supernatural. Also did a few readings, two of which were for J. I was supposed to knock out a few more on my list, but eh. As long as I do at least one or so a day, I think people will be happy. 

9 days and counting!
Now excuse me while I go figure out how I'm going to start my novel in the morning. 

Evaah  

Blessed Samhain

by Nelleke @ deviantART

First off, happy Samhain/Halloween to any readers. I'm into authenticity, so I prefer Samhain. Haha.

I need to jot down a dream I had this morning first. I was in this huge store that was like a mix of Publix and P&D. I was with Nathan for part of the time (I think he was working here?) but otherwise I was just going around shopping for some stuff. I had a few books (can't recall the content), and then I was making my way around the store trying to look for the statuary again. I think I was focused more on the Shiva statue this time, but in the small room, I couldn't find any decent ones. They only had a small amount of statuary anyway, so I was disappointed. I discovered a small side room where some dragon figurines were stored, and looked through these really cute tiny ones on the floor with this guy who may have been someone I know from school. Naturally, I went for the black dragon - the one that looked most like Pierre. I had also picked up some crystals at some point. Mom was with me, and I went to check out, and when the cashier started listing the prices, Mom became kind of bitter, like she was pissed she had to pay so much for stuff that she clearly disapproved of. So I told her, "If it gets to be too much, I'll pay for it." But I woke up.

I'm not sure why I'm having the "statuary hunt at P&D" dream again. Not sure if it represents my yearning to go over there, or if it represents something else. Certainly interesting, though.

What's even more interesting is that I lay down last night listening to a guided light body activation/crystal chakra clearing meditation - and ended up falling asleep without being woken up by the woman's voice/music. It was a really good meditation. Got me aware of my aura and had me drawing in light... I guess I was tired enough (and it was soothing enough) that I fell asleep. Usually, I'd be startled awake by the music or the voice, but nope. I just know that I woke at 2 AM to find my earbuds and my phone in bed with me. 

I drew a Gita and Greek card today. Gita's "theme" for today is Changing Bodies, with the message "As a person puts on new garments, giving up old ones, the soul similarly accepts new material bodies, giving up the old and used ones." I thought that was fitting. And the Greek spirit for today is Persephone, which I also find hilariously fitting just because of what today is. In fact, her illustration depicts her on Earth, but with a black/green staff, under a full moon, and surrounded by spirits/spirit energy that clings to her. She represents "awakening."

Speaking of cards, I need to find a better and easier storage method for them. I don't have much space in my room (I really need to clean and get rid of some stuff...). Right now, they're sitting piled on my altar in their boxes. I know a lot of people store them in silk bags. I think I might do that, because it's kind of irritating to deal with the boxes (I use them for the moment to ensure they remain protected).

I guess I'll spend my evening doing readings with the angels of change and watching Supernatural. I'm also mentally preparing for Nanowrimo, which starts tomorrow. I think a lot of it will depend on my ability to improvise, because I only have a loose outline and a general idea of where the story will go. But I WILL get those 50,000 + words, damn it. I haven't failed yet. 

Now I get to sit through about 2 hours of critique and half an hour of lecture. 

Evaah 

On Hallow's Eve

by Cornis @ deviantART

I can't remember what brought me to start thinking about this again... I've just been doing a lot of contemplation in general, because I'm wondering in what direction my truth is going to go. Where do I go from here? Will I end up going "full circle"? 

It's just... I wonder. And oh - I remember what the catalyst was for this topic. It was something I read about the Dalai Lama. He was asked what would happen if science disproved some aspects of Tibetan Buddhism, and he answered something along the lines of: "Tibetan Buddhism would have to change" (which apparently was the only answer that was different from the answers of other religious leaders) - but that "it would be hard to disprove reincarnation."

None of us can wrap our heads around the vastness of spirit. That's a given. But I just can't help but wonder why we're so attached to the idea of reincarnation, of past lives and higher selves. I honestly do feel it has to do with our attachment to identity - we long for connection. We don't want to be lonely. But how long have we felt this way? Since our appearance on Earth? Or since we lost touch with our inner divinity?

I'm very comfortable with the idea of being all-encompassing. I'm comfortable with claiming no specific "past lives," and I'm comfortable with not having a singular "higher self." It helps me feel connected and over-stand my position as a face or piece of creative energy. 

Our ancient ancestors were probably drifting off in the fourth or fifth dimension. That explains why they were so in tune with nature, with spirit, and how they were able to come up with advanced ideas in science and mathematics (like sacred geometry, golden mean, etc.). So if they were at a higher vibration, yet still had a religion in which numerous deities or spirits were named, or an afterlife was noted, then... what were they aware of? How close were they to spirit, and could they approach the "ultimate" truth?

That's why I wish I could travel back in time - or at least witness Earth history with my own eyes. I guess the reason why I'm contemplating this is because I've recently dwelt on my past truth, and all the things I used to resonate with (a reference to Spike came to me today), and it just makes me wonder. Talking to Lucifer, working with the angels of change, the conversation I had with Heather about angels/demons, getting a reading request to communicate with someone's higher self... I wish I knew. I have never seen spirit with either my physical or inner eyes. I don't count guides or auras because I make it my intention to see those things, and the guides I paint are just human guises they offer me. 

They do say feeling is what matters most. Being able to feel bliss and love and joy for life. But... I don't know. I love where I am now, but I feel like things are shifting a bit. I'm starting to be nudged toward separation again - exploring the singular identities. Maybe that was the point. I was thinking about that today, too.. that I needed to take the time off to enjoy unity and what it has to offer. It was because of this truth that I was able to feel connected to all things. If I hadn't gone this route, I wouldn't be as respectful of others. I'd still be taking life a bit more seriously, and wouldn't be AS confident in regard to manifesting my ideal life. Was that the point of the last two months? 

I'm looking back at the annual card reading I did. October was supposed to be a month of change. Technically, there was change - at a spiritual and mental level. Most of October was me trying to figure out this whole school thing, although in the end, my perspective has shifted a bit more. But November... the cards predict a fresh start, opening up to higher potential, and having choices to make. Should I expect another perspective shift?

Agh, I don't know. Of course, I'll willingly flow along with everything I resonate with. Thinking back to Spike made me recall all the lovely conversations and experiences I had with him and Leo and Pierre, etc. Those were some of my fondest memories. So why... why would it all be an illusion? Now that I think about it, it's pointless. Necessary for development, but pointless.

This sudden intense interest in oracle cards seems like a prelude to something. I'm developing an intense interest in the angels of change, in the old religions, in early human civilization, and deities. I'm not sure what this will bring.. but I will embrace it.

(I'm trying to decide if I still want to sign off with Finny, or with Evaah, which is more of a "spiritual" name for me - someone pointed out that it could probably stem from Eve, despite being made-up). 

Finny / Evaah

Haunted Houses & Frankenstorms

I had an interesting and unexpected dream this morning that was somewhat inspired by Supernatural. I was in this old haunted house with some people I can't remember... and it was our job to find a certain spirit or entity that was hiding. I can't remember if I was even myself, but we walked around for a while looking for this thing - and then I found this portion of wall where there was a door on one side and no door on the other. 

So I shouted to my partner - whoever it was - "I think I found it!" I watched a guy go in and kind of waited for him to scream bloody murder or something.. but nothing happened.
We were about to approach the door, but as we did, the lights shut off, and my partner said that the electricity gets shut off at 8 PM (because it's an old house). So I/we were freaked out... we didn't want to chase this thing in actual darkness. The scene switched, though, and I was with my parents and this odd older couple. I don't know what the heck we were doing but I had the impression Merida from Brave was involved. There was blood involved, too. Woke up.

I don't know enough detail to dissect this one, so I'll just shrug it off in the meantime. Woke up to find it still cold and gusty outside (35 degrees...) and overcast. Yay. Not only that, though. I look up the weather and find that almost 9 MILLION people are out of power up north. 

WOW.

I mean, damn. I've heard of maybe a few hundred thousand without power... maybe up to a million for cases like Katrina, but 8.9 million?! Jesus. And not only that - Sandy's kicked up blizzard conditions for a good portion of the north. It's such a huge storm that its winds are affecting all states east of the Mississippi river. 

This is poetic, guys. What's cool is that at one point - I don't know if it still applies - Sandy's shape was a near-perfect Fibonacci spiral. You know why I LOVE that so much? Because Johannes Kepler (astronomer/mathematician) once wrote something about the golden ratio (including spirals) that is oh-so-perfect for this situation: that the golden mean represents "the Creator's intention to create like from like."

Isn't that awesome? It doesn't get any more poetic than that. It's a pure reflection! A big ol' superstorm tearing the northeast - the center of our chaos - a new one? Creating like from like? And to emphasize this.. I was watching the weather a few days ago when Sandy was still in our neck of the woods, and the guy was explaining how she/it was expected to take a hard turn toward the northeast. You know what he said? "We've never seen this kind of a hard turn before." 

I am very amused. Well. I'm not amused for the people who are without power and freezing up there, but you get my point. 

I was a little sad that I couldn't see the full moon last night. It was cloudy, but judging by the fact that it made the clouds this eerie bright greenish-blue tint, it was beautiful and luminous. 

Time to chill a bit before school.

Evaah 

Procrastination

"Materia - Air" - by Patricia Ariel

I need to be working on my last few storyboards, but I need to jot this stuff down before I forget.             

I'll first mention that my Mythic Oracle deck arrived today. They're pretty nifty. Nice illustrations (I loooove the ones for Apollo, Helios, and Orpheus), but a skim deck. Only 45 cards, so I think I'll use them as "guide" type cards or for more general topics... like "whose energy should you call on today" kind of thing. I don't know why they only included 45 cards, since many oracle decks have about 60-70. And there are hundreds of characters in Greek mythology. 

The skimness is really my only complaint. So yeah. I'll be using these four decks in the meantime until I come across some others that are fabulous. I've been using Psychic Tarot for most of my readings for the peeps at SF, so that one responds best to my energy right now. The only problem I'm having with these decks is that because of their material and the way they're manufactured, they split easily into "sections," and it's a little annoying for the way I draw cards. Sometimes I wonder if it's a genuine pick, but I'm still technically selecting them based on intuition. Hmm...

On another note, yesterday was our first below-40 degree day thanks to Frankenstorm Sandy (for my out-of-country readers, that's about 4 degrees). Sandy helped bring in a cold front, along with some seriously gusty winds. I got to wear a scarf for the first time this season, but I tried to actually enjoy the cold. It was only tolerable because the sun was shining, though.

Nanowrimo starts on Thursday, and I'm a teensy bit frustrated because I'll still have 2.5 weeks of school and final projects to blast through before being able to fully focus on my writing. But hey. I'll reach those 50,000 words, even if I have no idea where this story is going to go.
And speaking of Thursday, I'm still debating what I want to do for Halloween/Samhain. I was thinking about going to P&D for their night of divination, but that's an activity that runs 8-10 PM and I do have school the following day. I was thinking about just staying indoors and watching a Supernatural marathon in the dark like I did last year, but I kinda want to do something more Samhain-y or Halloween-y this year. Maybe if I'm not too busy I'll do some readings with the assistance of some lovely entities (since the veil IS thinnest then... hahaha). 

I was a little disappointed to have a garage fail today. It's not a big deal; the only reason I'm disappointed is because this demand wasn't halfhearted. I really put my effort into this manifestation last night when I was winding down with Luci (although I didn't really do it this morning like I usually do). I'm not sure if that's the actual reason it didn't work... but I would think it would, because I was very passionate about it.

So now I wonder if there's something more to this whole manifestation thing - like areas of life we can't control. I used to believe that before, but then I got smacked with ultra-creator-confidence. It does make some sense based on the conversations I've been having with Adonai. If life went 100% according to your plan, then there would be no room for any kind of growth. It's through some kind of pain or suffering that we are able to expand into something greater. I mean, I'm obviously not in pain for having to park on the second level of the parking deck, but it does make me wonder... does this "no-go" approach apply to every aspect of life? 

It's definitely something I need to talk with Adonai about. 

A last tidbit before I go and do storyboarding homework: I stumbled across a wonderful pianist named Brian Crain yesterday. "Fire" was the first song I heard from him, and it reminded me of Luci. If you guys dig relaxed/emotional piano pieces, go check him out. He makes some awesome stuff. Here's "Fire:"

Finny   

Focalor and Hesperus

by Stanisław Wyspiański

I was quite intrigued to find a deviation titled "Focalor" in my inbox today. 

I have never, ever seen any of the 400+ artists I watch post work carrying names of more obscure demons. But it just so happens that with the rise of the manga Magi, the character Focalor is starting to pop up on dA and tumblr. 

I already knew from past research that Focalor is an anagram associated with Lucifuge Rofocale. They say that Lucifuge was a "character" modeled after Lucifer - kind of like his dark counterpart (since Lucifer = "light bringer" and Lucifuge = "to flee the light"). But I did a bit of research just now and discovered that once again, there's a Greek equivalent to these names. Lucifer is obviously the Latin version. But the Greek version?

Phosphorus (or Eosphorus).
But not only that - the Greeks had a dark counterpart for Phosphorus ("Morning Star"), too: his brother, Hesperus, or "Evening Star."

I find this incredibly fascinating. Christianity "borrowed" a lot of terminology from Greeks, but it's so interesting to see the connections here... or the plain old theft. Lol. I just wonder now - what led Christians to associate a light-bringer with the downfall of man? I haven't read the Bible, of course (I can't get past the first couple pages of Genesis), and I know that everyone and their mother keeps emphasizing that Lucifer was never related to Satan in the Bible, but someone somewhere at sometime decided to relate the two, which has led to a buttload of misinterpretation. 

Gah. I wish I knew the truth behind what really happened over the past few thousand years. 

The point of this post is that I think Lucy is shedding some more light (no pun intended) on all this angel-demon stuff. It's obvious his presence is still around (if I can call it a presence). But if the original Lucifer is actually Phosphorus, that means he's only a personification of Venus. So how the hell did he become a freaking archangel?

I do love the symbolism of the Greek myth, though. According to theoi.com, Phosphorus and Hesperus were later combined into a single star god/personification... because they both represented Venus, just at different times of the day. I like that balance. And it lines up with what Lucifer has been communicating to me about what he represents. 

History, man. It's freaking fascinating. 
Now I'm going to go meditate with Lucy again. I could use some stress relief after spending the whole day doing storyboards and math homework.

Finny  

The Morning Star

by whitelightwings @ deviantART

Wow. I had an interesting last several hours.

Even though it was kind of late, I wanted to sit down and enjoy a medi in the dark before I went to sleep. So I sat there for a few minutes, just enjoying the darkness and the void, the expansion of self. But then I became curious - I became tempted to ask Lucifer to join me to see what I could pick up. 

When I did, though, I got the urge to lie down with some tunes and spend time with him like I used to do with Shiva, Leo, Pierre & El'azar. I panned through my usual stuff but I couldn't find one that was suited for Lucifer. In the midst of my search, though, I stumbled upon Steve Roach's "Dreaming and Sleep," and it seemed so perfect for him. 

We sat first in the garden I keep back at "Home." And I have to say... wow. People have some seriously, seriously skewed visions of Lucifer. It's been a long time since I've felt such a gentle and loving entity. He's like a mix of Shiva and Adonai (they all carry similar vibrations). He had these deep but incredibly pale azure eyes, these gorgeous wings composed of light... He touched my hands and face, but then took me up into the sky, above the clouds at dawn, where everything was pale. The sun was out but its light wasn't as intense. It was breathtaking.

He said, "This is what I want for all of you. I want you to experience this. I want you to lie back in the grass and just be." 

We then conversed about a few things, and he gave me some new perspectives that I will elaborate on at VotS. To mention a few, he explained that the majority of gods/goddesses, spirits, angels, and other forms of deities are universal forces - personified pieces of our ultimate creative energy that is part of universal stability. He also mentioned that the forces/angels we know as "demons" are the forces that are responsible for delivering change, and that because the religious population feared change (change that would redetermine how society worked), these forces were referred to as "demons" - based on the Greek term "daemon" which denoted a spirit or divine power. 

I then asked him to visit in my dreams if he felt inclined. I fell asleep at 1 AM and tossed and turned all night, only to wake up at 8 and remember a Supernatural-related dream. And guess what? It was based on the last episode of season 5, when Sam - who allowed Lucifer to take him as his vessel - jumps into Lucifer's cage with Adam. The scene shifted to a different moment where the brothers are with Bobby; apparently Bobby had done something risky or stupid, because Sam said, "You would never --"

But a loud noise woke me up right then. Lol.

So yeah. A lovely late night with the Morning Star. I can only imagine what my mother would think. Hahaha. 

On an unrelated note, I'm a bit impressed by Frankenstorm Sandy. I mean Jesus - have you seen the size of that hurricane? How fitting for a freaking "megastorm" to pop up so close to the end of 2012. And what's even more amusing is that its path includes D.C.... a week away from election day. That's very poetic, Sandy. But somehow, I'm not surprised. It's like Gaia is screaming at us: "Your problem is HERE!"

I'm excited, you guys. And I need that excitement, because I have to spend another day working on about... 16 (?) more storyboards that are due Wednesday. Oh yeah. 

Finny    

Splurging

And by that I mean... I may have bought a fourth oracle deck. Hahaha. But I had to! It was cheap and it's something else I resonate very well with: Greek mythology. 

And of course... the artwork is lovely. Apollo - one of the Greek deities I resonate most with - is rendered very beautifully, although I was a little disappointed with how the artist chose to depict Hades, who is also one I resonate well with (a cloaked guy with a cane? Come on...). I was also happy to find Orpheus in there, and Thanatos (although I'm not a huge fan of his depiction either). 

My first self-made deck was a Greek myth one, but as my truth shifted and changed, I began resonating more with another deck. It'll be nice to have actual faces to look at now.

Which brings me to my next point: my Gita deck arrived today! I like to think that I manifested this... because I did apply the effort. I sat and visualized it in the mail, and the intense joy of having it... and it was there when I got home. Funny, because when I got back from seeing Argo (which was a pretty good film), my mom asked me to check the mail because she didn't want the people across the street to stare at her again (our neighbors are having their siding replaced). So it was even more of a gift to open my mailbox and see that lovely package in there. 

And oh my Adonai. It's freaking beautiful. I wasn't expecting such a high-quality deck. I mean, I knew I would love it anyway, because I adore Hindu art and deities, but I figured that, because they were $11.50, they would be cheaply made. There are 68 cards in this deck. The Mythic/Greek Oracle I just bought was $13 for 45 cards that aren't as beautifully illustrated (the illustrations themselves are fine, but the rest of the card design is mediocre). But no. I open up my Gita deck and wow. Stunning. The cards aren't as thick as the Psychic Tarot, but I like that because it makes them easier to handle... and they're made with good material. The printing is fabulous, too. I can't believe I paid just over $10 for this. 

I only have two minor complaints for this deck: 1.) that they are front and back; one side features the illustration and the title/motto, and the back features the matching verse in original Sanskrit, romanized Sanskrit (I believe) and English; and 2.) some of the featured verses are very Bible-esque. Most of them aren't, though... just wise snippets. But others basically have Krishna behaving as the Bible depicts Jesus - saying things like "make everything you do a sacrifice to me," or "turn away from everything else and focus only on me." Now, I haven't read the Bhagavad Gita (obviously), so I'm not sure how this whole conversation between Krishna and Arjuna works out. Despite the symbolism that Krishna may stand for, I'm still not entirely happy about the message of "put your faith and trust in a specific identity/character that is beyond you." But once again, I know very little about Hinduism and its branches, so there's probably a lot I'm missing. 

My complaint regarding #1 only bothers me because I like to keep the card a "secret" until I finish drawing all the others. I keep them face-down like everyone else. But the backs of these have the verse AND the title/motto on them, so if I set them face-down, I'll still know the content of the card. This isn't a huge deal, because I don't look at the cards as I draw them. I'm only complaining about this mildly because I like to keep the reading as full of suspense as possible. Lol.

There's a big reason - or even a couple of reasons - why I've been so intensely drawn to oracle cards again. In fact, now that I think about it, the urge to get into them again came out of freaking nowhere, which is my indicator that it's significant. Before, I used to treat the cards as a mere tool or medium through which my higher guidance could give me information, but now I see them as their own "conscious entity." I feel drawn to develop an actual relationship with my cards this time. Maybe that's why my self-made ones feel dull. It's amazing.. the cards have been talking to me. They tell me more specific details and seem to have a mind of their own. Really cool stuff.

I am a happy duck. And I'm very grateful for what I have. I am abundant... 

Finny   

Fume Headaches

So I spent my whole day anticipating my new oracle cards. It was practically torture. It was almost like UPS knew how excited I was, because they normally come midday to early afternoon, but today, the guy came at 6:30 PM. 

That's all behind me now, of course, because they're here, and they're fabulous. I'm satisfied with my purchases... so now I'm just sitting and waiting for my Gita deck, which I'm sure will be my favorite for obvious reasons. Amazon told me it shipped today, but I still can't track it yet, so... I'm still hoping I receive a pleasant surprise tomorrow, especially since I'm not going to P&D (I realized I had a lot more storyboarding homework than I initially expected). 

The Psychic Tarot deck is pretty nifty. I like the illustrations, even if they are kind of standard. Half of them appear to be inspired by medieval times, while half are more new-agey. I don't care much for the medieval ones, but I like them enough. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that they are purple on the backs and edged with gold (purple & gold = win). I also enjoy the tarot-oracle hybrid style... The major Arcana were renamed, and the minor Arcana were replaced by colors, which I like, because it helps me understand the emphasis of the card (red for physical, green for emotional, etc.). My only complaint for this deck so far is that it's a little hard to handle. The cards are wide and a little thick, which makes shuffling difficult. Even my method of drawing cards is a bit challenging with this deck (I don't shuffle and deal like most others; instead, I hold the deck in my hands and let my intuition guide me to a certain "side" of the deck, where I'll then split it, put aside one half, and draw the card on top. I feel more satisfied with the cards this way because I know it was my intuition that guided me... seems less like random pulling). 

So yeah. Thumbs up for Psychic Tarot so far, other than that one complaint.

The second deck I purchased, Fallen Angels, is my favorite of the two so far (until Gita arrives... lol). Just look at that art, yo. Very visually striking. As expected, they did a good job assigning attributes to the angels. I was very excited to find Marchosias in there, too, because I adore Marchosias. There's a good balance between positive and negative cards, although I do admit it's difficult for me to keep up with the angels themselves. Half the names I don't know how to properly pronounce... and I'm only familiar with a handful of them. But it'll come with time and practice. 
I also dig the size and thinness of these cards. They're easier to shuffle (if I need to shuffle) and handle. My only complaint is just a matter of unfamiliarity with the cards, because the names are hard to memorize and many of them share similar characteristics. Oh - and it's better to use these cards for more serious matters. They're not ideal for, say, spiritual progress and fluffy topics. These guys are best suited for plain old life and its drama.I mean, they can be used for any topic, but interpretation gets a little tricky for fluffier ones.

What I found interesting with the Fallen Angel deck is that I could receive impressions of what these entities were telling me. I was doing my first reading with this deck for a guy at SF - he asked about this girl who expressed interest in him and what he should do about the situation (because she's apparently "stalling") and the card I drew to represent the present was Focalor, who's associated with turmoil and madness. When I was typing up the description, I heard a quiet voice "say" distinctly in my mind: "This is crazy. Don't waste your time." 

I kind of had to laugh, because I've referred to myself as angel-deaf all these years... yet the moment I start working with the wise entities of the darkness, I can "hear" them easily. I know what some people are probably thinking, so I'll say: just let it go. I respect your truth, so please respect mine.

So I spent my evening doing a few readings for the peeps at SF who are interested. Good results so far. But now I have a semi-headache from the potent "new cards" fumes... you guys probably know what I'm talking about. But it's worth it. 

Aww. I missed card reading. So much fun. I always love to see which cards pop up... 

Finny 

 

Cards, Cards, Cards

Soooo. I just bought myself another beautiful deck that made me fangirl: the Gita deck (wisdom from the Bhagavad Gita). If you click the link, you'll see why I fangirled. I'm not sure how I missed that deck before; probably because it's referred to as a "divination deck."

So now I'll have a deck with some Shiva cards in it. Awww man. I am excited. Unfortunately, they won't be arriving until Monday... but I'll cross my fingers and hope for early delivery (it happens occasionally).

I was originally looking up tarot decks, because I thought: "Well, hey. If I resonate with the art of a deck well enough, I'll consider buying one and learning it." But I couldn't find any on Amazon that I really liked (and were reasonably priced). There's one called Nefertari's Tarots that is Egyptian-styled and covered in gold (I loooove gold), but it's freaking $36. For good reason, of course, because the gilded gold style makes them really pretty. Other than that one, though, there weren't really any that screamed out to me. Shadowscapes is a lovely and elegant deck, but it's not for me, either.

So I kinda took that as a sign to avoid tarot right now. I never really resonated with it - I think because they seemed too much like playing cards to me, what with the wands and pentacles and cups. Kind of stiff, rigid, and repetitive... whereas oracle allows more room for creativity with different kinds of themes. Yes, the messages are a bit more general and straightforward, but depending on the theme, you can actually intuit a lot of information from them. I like to use them in conjunction with spirit art for that reason. And it got me thinking - maybe that's the reason why I was guided to work with oracle cards before I got into spirit art. Although I don't dislike the idea, I would prefer to be able to fully interpret my art for people. Every other spirit/psychic artist I know is able to do this, so why can't I? 

I've already had a few people tell me there isn't a problem with this. And... I don't necessarily see it as a problem. It's just that I need to depend on a secondary source to elaborate details to the sitter, and that frustrates me a little. I either have to rely on my interpreters or use my cards to give a more specific direction. Of course, this only applies to channeled work or spirit portraits (sometimes). Aura stuff I'm pretty good at because it's straightforward and not very symbolic. 

I'm not sure if this is something that just comes with practice or what. Maybe it relates to my lack of sensitivity. And I was wondering - from my previous post - that perhaps it might not be all pineal calcification. I still do have a teensy fear of the unknown, only because I don't know what to expect. I never had those "childhood scares" that every psychic/medium and their mother experienced... you know - seeing the ghost of your grandma or a complete stranger at the foot of your bed. The only "scare" I recall was based on my ability to astral project with ease. The sensation of spiraling back down to my body freaked me out after numerous times, so I guess I subconsciously rejected the skill. But I never knew what that was. 

So yeah. Not seeing things with my physical eyes has been both a blessing and curse. I want to see the richness of spirit all around me, but there's still that sliver in the back of my mind that's thinking: "What is it like? Will I see 'things'?" And by things, I mean the "stuff" that people often report, such as shadows lurking and faces staring at you as you sleep. Who knows, though? It might be different for me. Maybe I should consult the wisdom of the darker realms for help... to see things from their perspective. 

On a completely unrelated note, it astounds me to see how animals can guide us. I've been working on my research journal every day and these past couple of days I've been taking notes on animal totems and symbolism... it's very intriguing. It makes me wonder if that's why we included animals on this planet - not to consume them, but to learn from them. It's so freaking cool to think about, especially when you consider that each animal has its own peculiarities that distinguish it from other species. From turtles with their protective shells to swans and their companionship... there's so much symbolism embedded in these creatures.

I was delighted to discover that my Celtic animal sign is a snake. Prefer that much more than a rooster. I freaking love snakes. I think I might like one in the future... a leucistic one would be awesome, like a ball python (I believe rat snakes are aggressive). 

Aghhh. I hope that Gita deck comes early. 

Finny

Nacht

"Leliel" - by Peter Mohrbacher

Feeling inclined to explore the darker side of life. You can only learn/experience so much from the light and fluffy, and I feel like I'm in control enough to see what darkness is really about. My gut says that it's something that's been seriously misunderstood, and I believe most - if not all - of the "nasty" stuff is the result of fear. True dark energy is just as powerful and necessary as light energy... without the balance, we would either have no evolution whatsoever, or all chaos. 
I also think that an over-standing or exploration in darkness can help me to better embrace change and fear. I still do have a few fears to face.

Funny that I'm more drawn to the idea of "demons" than angels. But I don't see "demons" (god I hate this term... does anyone have a better one?) as entities who want to possess or curse or harm you. Instead, I see them as energies or personified forces that exist to help encourage change. I think that may be why they're associated with possession, curses, harm, and destruction.. because people wanted to blame something for the changes they were experiencing: natural disasters, break-ups, disease, death, nightmares, war, etc. And by then, Christianity was probably in full swing, so of course from this stems sins, and "demons" who tempt you to sin, and so on. Kind of sad, in my opinion. 

I like the darkness. I mean, I love light, but to me, darkness is mysterious, quiet, and beautiful... not to mention deeply misunderstood. It's an awesome feeling to sit in my bedroom at night and just experience the void... (hey, that would make a good meditation..)

In other news, I'm beginning to realize that one of the biggest keys to manifestation is feeling. I had a garage fail today, and I realized that I wasn't too passionate when I made the demand last night/this morning. So I think the key is to really put yourself in the moment, as if you have already manifested your desire, and to feel the emotions associated with it - not to make halfhearted demands. Will test this for the remaining three weeks. 

I decided to go to P&D on Saturday, since I have to go see a film for my storyboarding class (Argo). I hope they have some good statuary out. But I'm going to splurge a little bit.. see if I can find a good Shiva statue, a black dragon for Pierre, maybe some tapestries (if they have any good ones) or oracle decks. We'll see. I haven't been there since March and I understand they moved some stuff around, so maybe I'll find something new. 

I registered for winter quarter classes today. Two illustration classes and 20th century art course. I'm not much of a 20th century art person, but I'm sure it'll be interesting... somewhat. I'm also going to start working on thumbnails for the children's bedtime story my dad and I are working on. I feel a lot more confident after some related classes. 

Having second thoughts (again) about turning VotS into a book. I thought it might be a good idea, but then I realized: what would be the point? Just to make a little extra money? I could do the same thing by monetizing the blog (then again, since I share this account with Lulu, that probably wouldn't work out)... it wouldn't be as much, but it'd essentially be the same thing. When it comes to spiritual information like that, I'm not sure if it's wise/ethical to charge for it. I know a handful of other people do, but it reminds me of The Book of Earth. For those who don't know, The Book of Earth is a series of channeled messages (channeled by Asta Tuominen) that served as the foundation for my truth. I stumbled upon it on SF a long time ago because Asta was an active member there, and was hooked, because I resonated with 99.5% of the material. I had never resonated so well with someone else's channeled material before. And what was more surprising was that the BOE was channeled from Elohim - not some entity or group of entities with a stylish name (no offense to those entities, of course). What I read in the BOE was basically what I imagined my idea of Creator/Source to sound like. It was really refreshing. But the point with this is that Asta tried to send the BOE to publishers, had it rejected, and realized that she preferred just to have it available for free.

So yeah. Maybe it's not a great idea to turn VotS into a book. I don't want to charge for information that should be generally available - especially when I can expect income from other sources. 

Time to watch the new episode of Supernatural.
My oracle cards come in tomorrow - I'm excited to start using them.

Finny    

Magic Journals and Manifestation

"The Book" - by Michael Zancan

I came across a wonderful idea on tumblr: magic journals. 

It's a really simple idea - I'm surprised I didn't come up with it myself. Basically, you write down what you want to manifest... adding thoughts, ideas, pictures, etc., as a means of bringing it into reality. So I'm getting myself yet another new journal for this, which is good because I have so many specific things that I want to manifest, and it's getting a little hard to remember them all. Lately, I've just been focusing on the major desires... 

I've been noticing that manifestation works better when I understand something to have already happened. Before, I was making demands. For instance - with the garage door... I would state: "I expect the garage door to be up when I arrive," and visualize myself seeing the open door. But I tried a new method based on a meditation I did the other night, where you not only visualize yourself with what you want, but know it's already there, and experience the feeling associated with it. So these past three days, I've been doing just that. I'll do the visualization, understand that the garage door is already up, and feel the joy associated with parking on the lower floor (yes, there is much joy to be had). We'll see if it keeps up.

In other news, I just bought myself two oracle decks: Fallen Angels and the Psychic Tarot Oracle. Even though I don't use cards extensively for readings, I do like to use them for confirmation, because certain phrases or words from these cards can often be a "sign" for me (like The Moon and Shiva...). I do like my own decks, but mine aren't even illustrated (waiting for my skill to improve), and since they're made of blank index cards, it can get a little difficult to shuffle and handle them. So I'd like some sturdier decks with themes and illustrations I resonate with. It's funny because I actually did make a fallen angel themed deck for myself, but I got rid of it; I couldn't get the meanings right. So I'm hoping the deck I bought will be much better than mine.
Maybe I'll even offer oracle card mini-readings as a little bonus for spirit art stuff.

I might get an actual tarot deck in the future, but right now, I'm feeling too lazy to try to learn it. I would just do it Squig-style and read the pictures of the cards, but I feel like that would get repetitive after a while. I like to combine reading the image with the general card meaning, so yeah. Will learn tarot in the future. I probably shouldn't expect people to be interested in the fallen angel deck, though. Lol.

I don't know. I've just always had this fascination with the darker realms. I obviously don't believe in hell or demons, but the darkness is always much more interesting than the light - probably because we know what light is like already. I find the darker realm quite beautiful, actually. It really is misunderstood.

And speaking of darker realms, I decided to switch my Nanowrimo topic from my usual big project stuff to something darker. I was going to write the prequel to my main project, but since it's such a big story, it requires a lot more planning and deliberation. So I'm deciding to approach Nano this year the way you're meant to - jumping in with a story from scratch.. rather than something you've been working on for years. 

For those who don't know, Nanowrimo is National Novel Writing Month, which takes place every November. This is my fifth year participating. The goal is to write a 50,000 + word novel by the end of the month... and even though there aren't any big prizes (other than a couple of discounts and a free printed transcript), it's still a wonderful experience, because it reminds me that great novels can be written in a month. Will the novel be good right then and there? Of course not. After all, it's about quantity - not quality. But there are a lot of writers out there who take months - even years - to formuate a draft or two.

So yeah. Seven more days till that starts. Unfortunately I'll be in school for half of it, and then in Louisiana for Thanksgiving, so this will be quite the challenge. I usually have a good understanding of what I'm writing about before I jump in, but this year, I'm basically pulling something out of my arse. I'm calling it Threnody, and it's basically an experimental work (as far as the writing style goes) about an underground (literally and figuratively) culture that chooses to live life a little on the darker side. In other words, they live alongside dark entities and deities and whatnot. I haven't fully fleshed out the idea; I probably won't talk much about it though, because I do have serious intentions of publishing all my work. 

Thirteen days and counting!

Finny x

 

 

Second Thoughts

"Ectoplasm" by gidragirl @ deviantART

So after stewing on it for a few days, I'm beginning to think that maybe I should stay in school for the meantime. I don't completely hate it, and even though I would prefer living simply at the moment and following my heart's desires, I'm not sure I'm ready to throw myself out into the world just yet. I need time to get my ducks lined in a row - I need to get my name out there, I need to spend time working on my craft, I need to research the most effective ways to manifest my desires, and so on. If I jumped out now, then I would have to scurry around and find a job, because my parents won't allow me to squat in this house without either working or attending school.

Plus... I don't want my parents to worry about me. I mean, I really don't care what they think, but I love my parents, and if it gives them peace of mind to know that I have a degree, then I suppose I can at least continue on with my major. I'll just drop my storyboarding minor. And you know what's funny about that? For some reason, I never officially declared my minor. Something in the back of my mind was always like: "No. Don't do it yet." 

I do feel a little humiliated for reacting the way I did. But you know - I'm glad that whole "talk" happened, because it allowed me to release the pent-up frustration and stress that's been churning inside me. School really isn't my atmosphere. I don't "network," I don't ask that many questions, I don't attend events or artist visits or lectures outside of class (mainly because I don't want to make the half-hour trip over there). I don't have many friends. My skill at the present moment is a step above average compared to my classmates. So knowing that I'll have to deal with this till 2015 is a little... depressing for someone who doesn't really want to be here. 

But you know, illustration will help me with my own path. I'll have a degree to make my parents feel at ease, but I'll also have the skills for book illustration, spirit art, and other general illustration work (freelance/commission work, etc.). So I think as long as I see school as helping to contribute to what I want out of life, I'll be okay. Storyboarding is cool and all, but it's not for me. Sequential art isn't my forte, and a storyboarding career is very demanding and impersonal. Well. Most/all film art careers are. 

So yeah. I'll finish this quarter (14 more days!), stew on it over winter break to make sure this is really what I want, and trudge along. I'll probably talk to my dad to see if I can start making a bit of money with spirit art or other commissions. I'd also be interested in working at P&D over the summer or something. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Something unrelated I've been thinking about: calcified pineal glands. I heard about it a couple years ago, but never thought too much of it because I wasn't sure if it was true. But lately, I've been kinda pointed in that direction. They say calcification occurs from fluoride consumption... I do use fluoride toothpaste, and drink our tap water (through PUR filter), which I understand has fluoride in it (about .7 mg per liter). I used to use fluoride mouthwash, but switched to listerine about two years ago as a means of reducing my fluoride intake. 

Fluoride seems to be less beneficial than we initially thought. Apparently, it's a neurotoxin, which has been known to lower the IQ in children who consume it. But in the spiritual community, we understand that it calcifies the pineal gland. 

I always wondered why my sensitivity is dull. I've spent 2.5 years on a spiritual path, and a year and half working on spiritual awareness/skills. But all that time - in all my life - I've never recorded any sharp sensitivity. I've never seen anything fantastic with my physical eyes (other than sparklies and an aura... once), I've never sensed spirit in a room, I've never had more than a couple lucid dreams, I've never experienced major empathy, I've never heard voices (other than the pre-sleep mumblings occasionally), and I've never had any OBEs except for one spontaneous one back in April '09. I've been pushing my inner sight, but most of my information still comes through generally, and it only comes when I make it my intention. 

I guess a year and a half isn't such a big deal, but I get the impression there's something "blocking" me. I don't know if it's really my pineal gland, or if the problem lies somewhere else (like diet), or if there's even a problem at all. It's just a feeling I have in my gut... that something is preventing me from reaching higher sensitivity. Either way, I guess I should at least reduce my fluoride intake even more. I'll switch to a fluoride-free toothpaste... then all I'll be consuming is water (which, regrettably, is probably where I'm getting most of the fluoride). But hey - small steps, right? I probably wouldn't be able to convince my parents to try a reverse-osmosis filter instead of the PUR one. 

Other than that, I've just been dwelling on my manifestations, working on meditation, and programming myself to "see" out of my inner eye. My dream this morning was travel-related - based on the Louisiana trip we're taking next month for Thanksgiving. Nothing special out of that one. 

One day at a time...

Finny x  

Anything Could Happen

"Angel" - by Amanda Clark

Title from Ellie Goulding's song, because it's been stuck in my head for a couple days. I'm usually not a "radio" gal but I do find a few gems on there I like, such as this one, "Titanium," and "Spectrum" (Zedd). 

I'm feeling a lot better this morning, but I'll explain that after I jot down my dream:

It started out at home, and I was talking to my friend BB on the phone. I told her I had to go because I had school in an hour. Then, I was in P&D, my favorite metaphysical shop. It looked different, and I was with my family there. I shopped around for the stuff I'd been wanting to buy, and then searched around the shop for the statuary section. I wanted statuary somewhat similar to the statue of Michael I have on my altar (clean, white, and detailed), but I couldn't find anything decent. There were the usual painted fairies and dragons, but the angels and gods/goddesses were all locked into this relief panel. So I decided to settle on a black dragon sculpture for Pierre, but I woke up. Before that, though, I had faced this entity in the shop I knew as a "rainbow goddess" - she was quite colorful, and apparently came in a box. And then, somewhere in this dream, I was looking at this person who, from the waist down, was covered in gold plates. 

The rainbow goddess and the gold plates stuck out to me most, because rainbows = good luck/fortune for me and being covered in gold? Yeah. I like the sound of that, lol.
 Considering that I did a (shorter) manifestation medi last night, I wouldn't be surprised if my subconscious was telling me I've got good things coming. 

In the past few days, I've been feeling a nudge to turn VotS into a book. Along with the nudge, I've received a couple of signs to emphasize this. VotS was originally supposed to be a book, but I decided to start with a blog, because I wanted to experiment with the idea of channeling, and I still wanted to get those messages out there. Now that I have 50 posts, though, I feel like now's a good time to transform it into an actual book. This would mean I'd have to get rid of VotS, because I'm sure publishers don't want material that's already been posted on the internet. I do plan to get Adonai to elaborate on some topics, so it'll be longer, but... if I do insist on this route, I'll probably turn VotS into something else. 

So I spent yesterday evening writing some of my posts into a Word document with Adonai. Doing so made me feel a lot better. I'm starting to feel my power again, although I'll have to wait a bit longer to see if I can manage two more quarters of school before I take a year off. But I'm down to four more weeks of school. 16 more days. 

I wonder if manifestation requires specific details. I was thinking about that last night, because I realize I have so much that I want to manifest within a certain block of time. I'm not sure if you can be general with your intention or if you have to explicitly focus on the minor details. It's kind of overwhelming for that reason. Too much to manifest. Maybe I should just pause throughout the day and focus on each one? I obviously can't do it all at once...

Well, I'm going to have to work my butt off when I get to school, because my thumbnails are a little... unfinished. Good thing I only have one class today... then I'll be down to fifteen days.

One step at a time.

Finny  

A Storm of Doubt

"Relinquish" - by greeneyedsiren @ deviantART

The doubt begins.

I talked to J today for her opinion, and she agreed that it may be in my best interest to take a year off. She gave me a bit more enthusiasm, but once my mom called on me, asking to know if I'd done anything "stupid," I began feeling doubtful.

I probably shouldn't be concerned, since times of doubt are always some sort of test, but it really got me thinking. I've always been someone who dwells on the future, so naturally, that's what I was thinking about today. What if I'm enthusiastic about this path of mine now, while I'm young, but that interest changes when I'm older? While it's true that this has been something I've wanted for years (the writing/art bits, not the spirit art bit - that began a year ago when I actually started the activity), I can't help but worry that I'll go in a completely different direction in the future. 

I know I want to write for the rest of my life. I have many stories built up in me, and I'm approaching them Tolkien-style: taking the time to sculpt them into the best stories they can be before actually publishing them. I also know I want to create art for the rest of my life. That's a given. But will I be interested in spirit art in the future? 

It's easy to answer that with "yes," because I like to think that I'll get loads better, and will have many clients to support me financially. However, I can't foresee the future. I don't know how my truth/perspective will change, and if it will ultimately bring me away from spirit art toward something different. If that does happen, I can only expect to be brought to something that is just as awesome, but equally able to give me the support I need.

But of course in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should actually listen to my parents' advice and finish school. Why? Because I'm afraid now. I'm afraid that they're right and I'm wrong and that I won't be successful for one reason or another. I would say that it doesn't matter, because at least I'd be happy, but I still need to support myself. 

Ugh. I want to slam my head against a brick wall. My mom's right - I've already mentally "checked out" of school, because I firmly believed I'd follow this ideal path. But I'm already having doubts and worries. And now I'm thinking that I should at least finish sophomore year (it'd be easier when it came to loans and stuff, I believe), but man, that's going to take an arseload of motivation... I can say for sure that I'm not going to go through with my storyboarding minor if that's the case, though. I don't want to have to worry about more classes and money. 

Registration for winter quarter opens in a few days. If I go, I'd have a two-day week. My first class would be at 11, and I'd stay until 7:30 PM. That would put me home at 8 PM. I do NOT want an evening class, but I don't really have a choice. 

I think I should stew on this. I don't want this doubt to affect my manifestation, so I will continue with my meditations and whatnot as planned. I also need to keep on top of my health, because I don't want this negative energy getting me sick during the last few weeks of school. But I'm hoping that I'll receive a bit more guidance on this issue. Because yes - building a stable life on an unstable income is risky and unrealistic, and I need to examine all my options in-depth before I completely throw myself out of school... as much as I hate it.

Almost 4 PM and I still haven't touched my illustration homework.
 
Finny 

The Light Bringer

"The Angel" - by heise @ deviantART

Well, I'm not happy, but I finally understand why Lucifer's popped up...

• Represents wisdom through self-exploration.
• Lucifer represents rejection of accepted “truths” to instead explore possibilities.  
• Symbolizes rebellion with a purpose; knowledge, wisdom, and power.
• Represents balance spiritually and physically, that Light and Darkness are equally important to the mental and physical health of individual. 
• Represents self-deification with earned compassion and the value of loved ones.  
• Lucifer in essence is in us all, Lucifer (Latin: light bringer) is the fire, the power of spirit, and the knowledge of self one can tap into through learning and embracing self honesty. Once this is accomplished, your aura will light up, making you feel bliss and joy. 
• Lucifer is the spirit of motivation and self empowerment, it is the very definition of human perfection, the true philosophical ideal. The illuminated mind.  
• Lucifer is the bravery you require to stand alone or outnumbered, the character you need to persevere in society, and the bliss you are entitled to feel on this earth. 
• Lucifer is the unalienable right to think different, and propose new fresh ideas to challenge the old ones, thus bringing betterment to man, bringing thus closer to godhood.  
• Lucifer is the seed of inspiration that leads to great works of art, classical and contemporary. 
• Lucifer is the being that inspires men to say "no" when everyone says "yes", and "yes" when everyone says "no".  
• Lucifer represents respect for the nature of the animal, and nature of the divine being. 
• Lucifer symbolizes the beauty of uniting the masculine and feminine energies in oneself.  
• Lucifer represents self sacrifice for one's ideas. 

I may not be huge on angels, but I have to admit that Lucifer was always the one I was most drawn to... probably for all the things listed. And by Adonai - his presence in my life right now is freaking perfect timing. I could really use his guidance, because I feel shattered and powerless. I'm brimming with doubt. Everything I've been working toward has fallen to pieces, and now I wonder if I even have anything to contribute anymore. Of course my stubborn nature wants to prove my parents wrong. I want to rebel against their stiff advice to prove that we CAN live by following our dreams. 

But I don't have the energy anymore. I don't want to sit through this battle of realism versus idealism. When I look at my skills, I realize that I'm not as fabulous as numerous others are, and it fills me with doubt. I want to write, but I never finish anything because I'm afraid it's unoriginal. My drawing skills are average. And even though I've had many successes with spirit art, I can't guarantee that I'll have what people are looking for. Hell, I can't even give much detail (except for aura-related stuff). 

At least I have my favorite sushi rolls to make the day a little brighter. 

Come on, Lucy. I need your help. 

*Edit - I log on to dA and what's in my inbox? A piece titled "The Fall of Lucifer."
Thanks, Lucy. 

*Edit 2 - Watching a Supernatural gag reel with views at 111,444. Hell yeah.

Finny

  

Shot the Shit

"Sanctuary" - by xenonia @ deviantART

Forgive my title, but it had to happen. It's very appropriate. I feel like crap right now... just finished talking to my parents.  Beware - long rant.

It wasn't pretty. Well... it wasn't filled with rage or disappointment, although I would've actually preferred the rage, because for me, there's nothing worse than being told that you're unrealistic. This was my biggest fear. I knew it was going to be mentioned, because that's what my parents are all about: practicality, realism, rationality... I was pretty much shot completely down. 

You would think being told you're unrealistic isn't as bad as facing wrath, but it's not for me. Because idealism is a part of who I am. I'm an optimist. A dreamer. I've had high success with manifestation in the past, so I have high hopes for it for my future. Therefore, being told I'm unrealistic is taking a hit at my personality.

This is what my dad pretty much said in a nutshell: that I'm sheltered, that I don't know the real world, and that because of this, I've created this ideal but unrealistic life for myself that I thoroughly planned out in my head. On top of that, he pulled the "every young adult experiences this when he/she's in school" card. That hurt, too. He basically made me sound like a kid who doesn't have a realistic grip on reality... giving me examples from his own young adulthood and referencing "waiters and baristas" who also decided to drop out of school.

And that's why I mourn for society: because we've been led to believe in rationality, practicality, and realism. You know what that all relates to? A lack of personal power. When you don't have personal power, your ability to survive falls on these dull concepts. Think about all the rich guys out there - most of them didn't become rich by chance. They were utilizing personal power... even if it was for selfish purposes. 

So to sum up, this was my parents' advice (which isn't a surprise): that I finish school, acquire a day job, and do what I love on the side. I still didn't tell them the specifics, because I couldn't bring myself to tell them. 

This is so damned hard. Everything in the universe is telling me follow your heart! Manifest that ideal life! And then I get crushed by my parents, who make me feel so small and insignificant. They mean well - I'm in no way dismissing their advice, but they honestly don't understand. I know every young person says that, but seriously! This is a matter of realism versus idealism. Spirituality versus rationality. They can't see from my POV because they believe they're powerless like everyone else. 

And then, to make it worse, my dad makes me feel even more like crap by referring to himself. He balances three jobs AND is going to school to obtain a master's degree in teaching. He said: "I have no motivation for school, either, but I put one foot in front of the other each day because I know I need to do it."

Well, dad, there's where we differ. You're actually chasing something you want. I'm chasing something that everyone else says I should have. Isn't that messed up? I don't want to live on a planet where people have to follow this stupid system to be able to sustain themselves comfortably. I'm about ready to jump off a cliff. 

After a while, I just stopped talking, because I was starting to cry. If I had continued talking, I would've burst into tears. I don't like crying in front of people, so I was trying to bite my tongue and prevent myself from doing so, but the more they drawled on, the more upset I got - because they were trying to reassure me, and when people try to do that (offer consolation, etc.), I get more upset. I tried to hide it but I'm pretty sure they noticed... 

"Into the Darkness" - by rinavenue @ deviantART

So yeah. I feel crushed. I feel like I've been chasing empty, unpractical dreams. It's true that I don't have any real life experience, but I so firmly believe in our power to manifest our ideal life. This is why I want to write and do what I want to do - I want to freaking empower people, man! It's like that saying: "the world needs people who have come alive." I won't come alive if I sit through another three years of school and end up working for some strict mofo in Hollywood. 

Now, my dad did say that he'd be cool with me taking a year off after I finish my sophomore year. However, that's going to be a huge freaking challenge for me - especially if I do well with what I actually want. I have no motivation to work on my homework this weekend - how the hell will I have motivation to finish 20+ more weeks of more intense classes? (I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it is, because everything's more closely packed together.) He doesn't understand that I have absolutely no desire to continue - no desire to network or meet artists who are also going into similar stiff careers. 

And of course mom didn't help by saying things like "learn to enjoy it!" or "I know you've already given up in your mind." It's not... giving up. It's recognizing that this isn't my path. And this is why I hate society. I usually refrain from using that word, but it's true. This only emphasizes the reason why I'm here - to contribute to change. To help turn things around so that people aren't bound to the system of working hard, acquiring debt, and settling into a job they don't enjoy just to sustain themselves and their families. 

Another of my dad's suggestions? That I learn to blend my activities while in school - i.e., attend school, but do spirit art, writing, etc., on the side. Kind of like what I've already been doing. I have to admit that pissed me off a bit because I already am doing that, which means it's not impossible (he asked me if it was). I'd be miserable, though, and I would have very little time to actually do the things I enjoy. But no worries! At least I'd be guaranteeing myself a job with steady income to support myself. *rolls eyes*

How can they even be sure that that path will work out for me? What, just because I attended college? That's awfully presumptuous of them.

Ugh. This sucks big time. Ultimately, they're still giving me the choice of what to do. And what sucks even more is that I can't talk to people about this because they'll all give me the same practical advice. I want to talk to someone who chased their heart's desires even though they seemed risky and unrealistic. I want to talk to someone who is as idealistic as I am, to reinforce my understanding of our power. I'm sick of realism. I'm sick of practicality.

I want to be free - free to be me. 

Now I will make myself happy and go to bed... although I wouldn't mind terribly if I didn't wake up.

Finny x