Shot the Shit

"Sanctuary" - by xenonia @ deviantART

Forgive my title, but it had to happen. It's very appropriate. I feel like crap right now... just finished talking to my parents.  Beware - long rant.

It wasn't pretty. Well... it wasn't filled with rage or disappointment, although I would've actually preferred the rage, because for me, there's nothing worse than being told that you're unrealistic. This was my biggest fear. I knew it was going to be mentioned, because that's what my parents are all about: practicality, realism, rationality... I was pretty much shot completely down. 

You would think being told you're unrealistic isn't as bad as facing wrath, but it's not for me. Because idealism is a part of who I am. I'm an optimist. A dreamer. I've had high success with manifestation in the past, so I have high hopes for it for my future. Therefore, being told I'm unrealistic is taking a hit at my personality.

This is what my dad pretty much said in a nutshell: that I'm sheltered, that I don't know the real world, and that because of this, I've created this ideal but unrealistic life for myself that I thoroughly planned out in my head. On top of that, he pulled the "every young adult experiences this when he/she's in school" card. That hurt, too. He basically made me sound like a kid who doesn't have a realistic grip on reality... giving me examples from his own young adulthood and referencing "waiters and baristas" who also decided to drop out of school.

And that's why I mourn for society: because we've been led to believe in rationality, practicality, and realism. You know what that all relates to? A lack of personal power. When you don't have personal power, your ability to survive falls on these dull concepts. Think about all the rich guys out there - most of them didn't become rich by chance. They were utilizing personal power... even if it was for selfish purposes. 

So to sum up, this was my parents' advice (which isn't a surprise): that I finish school, acquire a day job, and do what I love on the side. I still didn't tell them the specifics, because I couldn't bring myself to tell them. 

This is so damned hard. Everything in the universe is telling me follow your heart! Manifest that ideal life! And then I get crushed by my parents, who make me feel so small and insignificant. They mean well - I'm in no way dismissing their advice, but they honestly don't understand. I know every young person says that, but seriously! This is a matter of realism versus idealism. Spirituality versus rationality. They can't see from my POV because they believe they're powerless like everyone else. 

And then, to make it worse, my dad makes me feel even more like crap by referring to himself. He balances three jobs AND is going to school to obtain a master's degree in teaching. He said: "I have no motivation for school, either, but I put one foot in front of the other each day because I know I need to do it."

Well, dad, there's where we differ. You're actually chasing something you want. I'm chasing something that everyone else says I should have. Isn't that messed up? I don't want to live on a planet where people have to follow this stupid system to be able to sustain themselves comfortably. I'm about ready to jump off a cliff. 

After a while, I just stopped talking, because I was starting to cry. If I had continued talking, I would've burst into tears. I don't like crying in front of people, so I was trying to bite my tongue and prevent myself from doing so, but the more they drawled on, the more upset I got - because they were trying to reassure me, and when people try to do that (offer consolation, etc.), I get more upset. I tried to hide it but I'm pretty sure they noticed... 

"Into the Darkness" - by rinavenue @ deviantART

So yeah. I feel crushed. I feel like I've been chasing empty, unpractical dreams. It's true that I don't have any real life experience, but I so firmly believe in our power to manifest our ideal life. This is why I want to write and do what I want to do - I want to freaking empower people, man! It's like that saying: "the world needs people who have come alive." I won't come alive if I sit through another three years of school and end up working for some strict mofo in Hollywood. 

Now, my dad did say that he'd be cool with me taking a year off after I finish my sophomore year. However, that's going to be a huge freaking challenge for me - especially if I do well with what I actually want. I have no motivation to work on my homework this weekend - how the hell will I have motivation to finish 20+ more weeks of more intense classes? (I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it is, because everything's more closely packed together.) He doesn't understand that I have absolutely no desire to continue - no desire to network or meet artists who are also going into similar stiff careers. 

And of course mom didn't help by saying things like "learn to enjoy it!" or "I know you've already given up in your mind." It's not... giving up. It's recognizing that this isn't my path. And this is why I hate society. I usually refrain from using that word, but it's true. This only emphasizes the reason why I'm here - to contribute to change. To help turn things around so that people aren't bound to the system of working hard, acquiring debt, and settling into a job they don't enjoy just to sustain themselves and their families. 

Another of my dad's suggestions? That I learn to blend my activities while in school - i.e., attend school, but do spirit art, writing, etc., on the side. Kind of like what I've already been doing. I have to admit that pissed me off a bit because I already am doing that, which means it's not impossible (he asked me if it was). I'd be miserable, though, and I would have very little time to actually do the things I enjoy. But no worries! At least I'd be guaranteeing myself a job with steady income to support myself. *rolls eyes*

How can they even be sure that that path will work out for me? What, just because I attended college? That's awfully presumptuous of them.

Ugh. This sucks big time. Ultimately, they're still giving me the choice of what to do. And what sucks even more is that I can't talk to people about this because they'll all give me the same practical advice. I want to talk to someone who chased their heart's desires even though they seemed risky and unrealistic. I want to talk to someone who is as idealistic as I am, to reinforce my understanding of our power. I'm sick of realism. I'm sick of practicality.

I want to be free - free to be me. 

Now I will make myself happy and go to bed... although I wouldn't mind terribly if I didn't wake up.

Finny x