An Odd Sort of Place

bao22.blogspot.com

I feel like I'm in limbo. It's a very strange sort of transitional period made a bit uncomfortable because I'm not sure what I should be doing right now. I'm supposed to be finding work as per my dad's wishes, but now that I've been denied at the only two places I'd be willing to work, I feel like I'm in the corner going, "Well, crap. What now?"

Speaking of work, TR just announced on Facebook that they're closing their shop. What weird timing. I email them about work opportunities only to have them come out a week later saying they're closing shop because they're moving to another state. I feel a bit foolish now, but whatever. Technically, I have one more place I could contact, but man, it's such a long drive. 

Where does this leave me? I have no idea. Because I haven't talked to my parents about this, I don't know whether I can work something out so that I don't have to work a stable job right this second. I have to admit: I was even considering going to live with my brother, just so I wouldn't have my parents trying to influence me, but by sweet Adonai... I wouldn't be able to live with him. Plus, I'm not too crazy about Florida. My "soul home" is the west coast - Hawaii, eventually. Somewhere amongst mountains and vivid, green foliage. 

I just feel so pressured now, and I don't know what I should do. I don't want to succumb to my parents' demands. My only hope is to convince them to give me some time off to do what I want to do. To build up a name and business for myself... although I also admit I've been really feeling the doubt lately. People have been taking advantage of my services for a year and a half. Over 300 readings done, all for free. Although I'm happy to have helped, I'm afraid this will mean that very few will return to pay me. I'm not sure where else I could advertise. I hate having to "sell" myself. Having to say, "Come check out my FB!" or "This is my blog!"

Gah. I'm just clueless. Maybe my reading for Beltane might help... I don't know. But what I do know is that El'azar's presence has been quite strong these past several days. He seems to be teaching me the art of connection (also, he's the energy associated with the physical, so that would also make sense...), amongst other things. 

Nice to have him in the front lines for once.

I had an interesting dream this morning in which an old woman - a neighbor whom I didn't recognize - deliberately crashed into one of our cars while it was sitting in the garage. She smashed into Haloa. I had the impression that she wasn't happy with us for some reason... but she never said a word. I recall checking out the damage and also feeling a bit relieved that Hans wasn't damaged. In some ways, it felt like an episode of Psych, because I remember seeing a woman standing near the garage and thinking, "Does she have something to do with this?"

An old woman crashing into our car... on purpose. What the hell does that mean? I guess it kind of makes sense. I'm the old woman in that I'm not happy about where I am in life. I feel the need to take action and make my feelings known through this action. 

...Ain't that the truth.

With the exception of writing about fifteen pages for Crucible, I pretty much played GW2 all weekend. I still have to gather at least 10 images for tomorrow, but my goodness, I don't even want to do that. 

I guess I should get a move on. Just five more weeks...  

Touch of Love

by Rassouli

I'm having an odd sort of day. It hasn't been bad, but I can only describe it as... I don't know. Full of interesting contemplations? 

I just got back from a drive with my parents. Looking at all the beautiful greenery and scenery got me thinking about all sorts of things, from my future to how fascinating the world is. I've been spending the day being both lazy and creatively productive, and between that, I've contemplated the whole spirit art thing again, because I realized once again how dissatisfied I am with my work. It was triggered by this chick I found on another forum: a digital artist who claims to paint guides and stuff too. I didn't actually see that much of her work - or her depictions of guides, for that matter - but it was pretty good and it reminded me of where I want to go with my own work. 

I realize that I have my own unique flavor. I guess I'm just in panic mode right now, because I'm feeling so much pressure, and I can't seem to find someone in my area who'd be willing to support me and let me draw for people face-to-face. My dad's not helping with his "you need to find employment" spiel. And now, because I don't know what to do or where to go, I feel like I have to be really good at what I do so I can earn money and sustain myself. So I've been spending the day thinking about what else I could offer as well as ways to sharpen my connection to others when reading for them.

But during the drive, I thought of El'azar, whom I connected with the other day when answering the "spirit phone." El'azar, being my earthy mentor, always uses nature as his teacher, and it got me thinking about how I could incorporate this into my process. It also brought me to a realization: perhaps the reason I'm having trouble connecting with others is because there's a lack of love involved. 

Let me be honest with myself. Thanks to society, and my parents hounding me into finding a "reliable job," I've made income one of my main priorities. It doesn't come before my happiness, but I'm going to have bills to pay, so what I do definitely has to earn me profit. Because of this, I've been obsessed with the idea of ensuring people will get their money's worth when I start charging for readings. I want to help them, and I feel awful for charging them, but I need to sustain myself. 

However, as of late, my main focus has been ensuring my skills are good so that I can be good enough to charge people and sustain myself. I have a list of people I'm practicing readings on, but it's difficult. You know why? Because I don't feel connected to them!

With the exception of a few who are close friends or who have good energy, I'm pretty much reading faceless strangers on the Internet. There is no connection here. It's hard to connect to someone whom I don't know, who is intangible, who comes to me just to take advantage of my trying to perfect my skills. Is it impossible? No. But it definitely makes things uninteresting and difficult. 

I don't want to disappoint people. That's why I'm a little intimidated. I'm feeling rushed thanks to my parents, and despite being told by a handful of people that I'm "accurate enough," I just don't feel like I am. I feel like I'm one of those extremely rare individuals who had to build up her skills from scratch. Every other psychic I've seen always reports some god-given ability or a wide range of skills they've had since birth, and I'm sitting here like: "How the hell do I compete with that?" I only started spirit/psychic art a year and a half ago, with no exceptionally strong skills to assist me.

I know it's not a competition, but I still have to coax people into paying me for my service, so as far as I'm concerned, I need to be "better" than the other lovely people offering such services. And to do that, I need to (A) better connect with people to get more specific information, and (B) improve my technical drawing skills. 

And I think El'azar has a way to help me with (A).

Enough of that, though. I whine way too much about this topic. I still want to write it down, though, because it's part of the journey. 

In other news, I actually did some writing today. It's not good writing, but I have to keep reminding myself that this is just a draft, and that it doesn't have to be perfect the first time around. 

So yeah. Beautiful day, a nice drive, some writing, a milkshake, and some fresh perspective. Not bad. I have some more thinking to do...   

The Language of Embers

by hoooook @ deviantART

Had a bit of an emotionally turbulent day. Nothing too drastic, but my mood definitely came in swings... I'm unsure whether the moon has anything to do with it. Probably amplified things a bit.

I started out the day feeling pretty good (it's hard to not feel excited on your last day of class before a 4-day weekend), but toward the middle of the day, as my professors lectured and reminded me how awful life is in the 21st century, I began to feel low again. I was at my lowest point - on the verge of tears - during my midterm conference with my illustration professor. He asked me where I saw myself in 3-5 years, and I twisted the truth a bit: I told him I wasn't interested in corporate illustration and that I would prefer more freelance type stuff. I also told him about my plan to take time off from school... and toward the end of our conversation, I began to tear up, because he brought up the whole "we're going to miss you" thing, and I just felt so vulnerable, because I can't express what I really want to do and how much it means to me. 

By the way - I doubt people in that school would miss me. I can only think of one person who's legitimately interested in who I am as an individual, which is fitting because she's the most interesting and lovable person I've met during my time there. Everyone else... they just use me as a source of information or supplies, or talk to me when there's no one else to talk to. I just can't connect with these people.

I'm also disappointed because I heard back from both P&D and TR. I emailed them asking about employment opportunities. The owner of TR gave me a short: "We have no opportunities at this time," while a kind lady at P&D - the same one who replied back to me before - said that while there were no opportunities available in the foreseeable future, she would be happy to put my information in their "employment file." I don't know whether she'll actually do this, though. 

So I'm getting a little antsy. I doubt things will change over the next month, but I'm crossing my fingers. There's only one other metaphysical shop that's relatively in my area, but it's much farther than I'm willing to drive. I'm a bit at a loss now. I don't know what else I could do that would satisfy both me and my dad.

Speaking of which... I remembered something very important and relevant to this whole "life decisions" thing. In fact, I'm surprised I didn't remember this, which is why I wonder if "someone" dropped this into my head. It came out of nowhere.

See, when my brother graduated high school (he was a year ahead of me), my parents let him take a year off to figure out what he was going to do, because he had no clue. And guess what? He slacked. He got to sleep in, play video games, stay up late, and whatever else he wanted to do for an entire year, without having to work. Eventually, he decided on going into the military.

I never got a year off. My parents may have offered me the opportunity when I graduated, too, but at the time, I was more concerned with just starting art school so I could get it over with sooner. I was also eager to have a close friend with me so that the experience of college wouldn't be so scary... and my friend wasn't going to wait around for a year.

So I feel like it's extremely unfair that my brother was able to take a year off to do absolutely nothing, while I'm sitting here asking to start making money, to start working on my dreams and my ideal future. Asking to get involved with like-minded people. So it's not stable income. Who cares? Just like any other career, I have to start somewhere.

I will definitely be bringing this up the next time this subject comes around. Thank you to whoever reminded me about that "year off." I can't believe I'd forgotten. Probably because my parents smother me with how responsible and mature my brother has become, living on his own and whatnot. 

All in all, I'm ticked. And vulnerable. And moody. Things improved as the day went by, though. I got a 90 on my Italian Renaissance exam and got to come home 30 minutes early in beautiful weather and much less traffic. 

Thank Adonai I have a stubborn nature. I may be sensitive, but I'm determined to have things my way.

I was going to elaborate on my thoughts about Source, but I'll do that later. I do want to mention something, though: while I was browsing SF, a thread titled "Ways of Receiving Information from Higher Self" caught my attention, and I hovered over it to read the first line, which said: "I have been watching many videos lately by Teal Scott...."

If that's not a big fat sign, I don't know what is. I'm glad to see I'm going in the right direction. I think I need to start watching more Teal Scott videos again...

Oh - and I also want to mention that I need to work on trust and faith when it comes to my skills. I feel... unskilled because I can't pick up really fancy and specific things about people like most other intuitives and psychics can. I seek clarity with my readings. But after a conversation with Jen and having her get me to tune into a "spirit phone call" (the pressure changes, etc. I often get in my left ear), I realize that I need to trust what comes through a lot more.

That's why I'm eager for that channeling group. I'm looking for other psychic development groups or classes but I can't find any that suit me (good vibes and not too expensive). 

I'll get there, though. I just need to practice, practice, practice, and trust. 

On Source

"The Journey" - by Rassouli

Before I continue my thoughts from last night, I wanted to mention a few things.

One, it's my dad's birthday, which means he's working from home. I dislike dealing with his energy when he's home all day, but he deserves the day off, so I'll suck it up and deal with it. 

Two, I've completed four readings over at SF so far, and all of them have been pretty spot on. That's reassuring. I call upon one of the boys for each reading, because they're each associated with their specific areas. Spike represents the emotional (water); Leon represents the mental (air); El'azar represents the physical (earth); and Pierre represents the spiritual (fire). I ask my sitters to pick either a general, spiritual, emotional, or physical reading and then call upon the energy of whoever matches the reading type. 

There has been a bit of struggle. I find acquiring clairvoyant symbols to be a tad tricky. I think it's because I'm so bloody imaginative that I can't identify what's actually a symbol or what's just my imagination going wild (which is exactly why I have trouble studying or focusing on more "academic" things). If this is the case, I resort to colors and looking at the aura for clues. That usually works. And then, in rarer cases, I'll actually hear words, such as in last night's reading when I distinctly heard "You have friends in high places" for the sitter.

So I don't know. I have 18 more readings to work through. I'm hoping that a mix of practice and meditation will help me receive more detailed, specific information. 

Now continuing from yesterday's post...

Let me start with this question: what would be the point of Source giving information to its perspectives? That is, if I'm a perspective of Source, and I decided to channel what I believed was "Source," why would Source give me information? If the point is to fully realize oneself by exploring the many, why would it actively give certain information to a perspective? 

Being a perspective is a really grand thing. It's not like we're miniscule, here. I gave the leaf of a tree analogy in my previous post, but we're not tiny like leaves. We encompass an entire perspective. I guess what I'm saying here is that I wonder if what I've believed to be "Source" is actually my Source aspect: my "original perspective." It makes sense when I think about it. I am my own distinct perspective. And of all the times I've channeled what I believed was "Source" (or Adonai), I found that this energy only revealed information that currently resonated with me or was about to resonate with me. It never revealed something that didn't relate to my own understanding. 

I mean, technically, it's still Source behind it all. But I don't think my idea of Source can stand anymore. I loved the idea of Source being the collective creative consciousness of the universe, being in all things. And that's still true. 

Think about it, though. We like to think of a "singular" Source - the root of everything. The One. The Universe, etc. No matter how much we say we are "one," we still have this idea in our head that there's an "original Source" out there - one we can communicate with and which has its own understanding of its existence. But what if that's not true at all? Look around - everyone has their own perspective... even the natural world. Trees in Canada experience life differently than trees in South America. Animals have their own perspectives. A petal that falls in one direction experiences descent differently than one which falls in another direction. 

With that in mind, perhaps there's no "original Source" holding the ultimate truth. Could there have been at one point? Maybe. But let me ask this: does Source even recognize an "original self" amongst the infinite perspectives that now exist? Those countless perspectives are what define Source, in my opinion. It would seem illogical for Source to see itself as "separate" from its perspectives, since those perspectives are the very thing helping to actualize / understand its existence.

So when I say I channel "Source," I'm still technically right. But not in the way I had thought before. I thought I was contacting the "origin" of everything. The purest, "highest" aspect. However, if anything, I was probably contacting my Source self: the energy that thought my physical being into existence. After all, that perspective knows me best. It's the energy that is trying to explore as much as possible. If there is an "original Source perspective," why would it try and influence a perspective by taking things into its own hands (so to speak)? 

What's odd is that for a long while, I never resonated with the idea of Source self, because I figured Source was just that. But now it makes perfect sense. And the ironic thing is that it was probably my Source self that delivered all this information to me. 

As for "Adonai..." I always wondered why that name resonated so much with me, despite me holding no interest in Judaism. And then J appeared, and Teal Scott was introduced, and bam. Like-minded perspectives who shared very similar views on existence. 

Maybe I wasn't just channeling my Source self. Maybe I was channeling all the views that were associated with the Adonai family (at the request of my Source self?). However, I needed that time with what I believed was "Source" to get where I am today. If I didn't go down that road, I would never see and appreciate the world as I do now. 

I think it's time to sit down with my Source self. 

Will continue this later - for now, I have quite a bit to do today.   

This is War

"Ares" - by Laura Sava

A bit of an exaggerated title, but it does kind of reflect my mood at the moment.

I have two main things to jot down here: a conversation I had with my mom an hour ago, and a revelation I had while sitting in Italian Renaissance. 

First, the conversation. I accidentally triggered my mom into a rant by telling her how I was frustrated with the next project I have to do for illustration (it has to be on a wood panel, and unless I can find what I need in an art supply store, I'm going to have to use our woodshop at school, which requires certification, and certification takes like 2-3 hours, normally on a Friday, which I don't really want to do). I made the mistake of saying, "I wish I could quit now," which lead to mom once again busting out the "concerned parent" routine (made quite humorous because she was chomping on celery) and a handful of hurtful accusations along with it. 

Now, I've heard this crap a few times now, so she was all but a broken record to me. However, she did throw in a new grenade: for some reason, she thinks I'm just going to sit around the house all day and play computer games once I'm off from school. In fact, she said this three times. You would think this isn't that hurtful, but it is. Why? Because my own parent is basically suggesting that I'm not responsible or mature enough to participate in "adult life."

I was very tempted to counter her, but I knew it'd be a bad idea if I did. Plus, I'd just gotten home from school, and was standing there, hungry, with my school crap in my hands, listening to the same old "worried mother" rant that I've heard three or four times in the past few months. So instead, I waited politely until she seemed mostly finished, announced, "I'm hungry," and went upstairs.

I also found out from this (primarily one-sided) conversation that my brother has complained to my mother several times in the recent past about how it's unfair that our parents are giving me free stuff, etc. Based on conversations I've had with him in the past, I didn't think he took that crap so seriously. But I guess he does. Never mind the fact that my parents have given him plenty. Never mind the fact that they treat him better than me. No. I get a free laptop and a new bed (for guinea pig reasons) and he gets pissy. 

Whatever.

But by Adonai, I detest being compared to my brother. I'm my own person. It's so freaking obnoxious to hear my parents bring him up every time we have a conversation about my future. So my brother adapted well to living by himself. Great! But I'm not my brother! He got himself a nice secure job with benefits? Well, good for him. I'm still not my brother. (And he doesn't like his job anyway.) 

I was hoping that my parents would support my being adventurous, of finding what I really, really enjoy and helping me toward that goal instead of crushing it into crumbs and calling it unrealistic. I guess I can't blame them, since I still haven't told them what it is I want to do. But see, now I don't want to, because even if I explain my general plan to them, they'll criticize it and still call it unrealistic. 

Twenty freaking years old and my parents are still telling me what to do.

But I had a mini revelation just as I was about to start this post: I really need to stop taking this so seriously. Getting stressed over this decision will not help me at all. I have time. Even if it turns out that I'm inactive at school for 5 quarters and end up losing my credits, it's not the end of the world. If the day comes that I want to return to school, then I'll do it. Does it seem likely? No. But I won't speak for the future, and I certainly won't fret about it. The future's not here yet. 

Speaking of revelations, this brings me to my second topic: a revelation I had while sitting in class listening to a lecture. I was thinking about Adonai - the name I give to Source - and Adonai, the soul family. I feel like I'm part of this soul family (or "perspective family," as I like to call it), and Jen confirmed that, but it got me wondering about "Source." What if there is no "ultimate truth" or "ultimate perspective" at all? I say I channel Source, and so do many others, but are we truly channeling the Source energy, or are we channeling something else, such as our Source aspect? 

I wonder about this because those who channel Source or God or Universe never channel the same information. Some bits might be similar, or hold a similar vibration, but they still say different things, and provide different perspectives that are filtered through the channel. It makes me wonder if what we know as "Source" isn't a single unified "being" (for lack of a better word) conscious of an "ultimate truth," but instead, an ocean whose infinite droplets allow it to see all sorts of perspectives on existence... Maybe all those infinite truths are its "ultimate truth." Maybe its ultimate truth is just as simple as existence.

When you think about it, all Source knows is that it exists. It's an infinite form of creative energy, and in order to realize who or what it is - in order to actualize its existence - it takes on countless perspectives. We romanticize spirit by envisioning it to be some fantastical heaven where loved ones meet and plan out "next lives," but essentially, all it is is Source trying to experience all it can experience so that it can fully realize itself. 

I've been contemplating my relationship with the energy I know as Adonai. Although I feel comfort in the idea of this "grand" energy being a part of everything, there are times when it just feels too big for me. I say that I try to feel myself as Source, but I can't. And you know why? Probably because I'm not supposed to. I am not a fully realized Source energy. I am an aspect of Source energy - a perspective. It's simple. That's what I am: a perspective. I don't need to embellish myself with fancy titles or contemplate all the lives I've experienced. At the root, I am a perspective, thinking itself into physical existence in order to assist the greater whole. 

With that said, perhaps our purpose is not to realize and become the one. Okay. Maybe we can realize it, but there's no point in differing perspectives if we're meant to actually "become" one. I think Source already knows that it's one - that's why it took on infinite perspectives. Plus, if we took on a perspective based on oneness, we would lose the point of our distinction. 

You can only be one if you understand and feel the many. And you know - trees are a perfect example of this. The trunk represents Source, branches represent perspective families (groups of perspectives with similar views), and leaves represent the individual perspectives. If a tree only consisted of a trunk, it would only know itself as a trunk, and would know one perspective: being a trunk. However, if it started growing branches, and leaves, it would begin to realize it's more than a trunk, and would start seeing its existence differently, because those branches would be reaching out into unfamiliar territory, at different angles. Then, when leaves grow, it has even more perspectives on its existence. It knows how those leaves react to weather, and seasons, and animals. It even sees its environment differently by honing in on each leaf. A leaf at the top of the tree would be able to see the sky with ease, but one on lower branches would see very little of the sky. 

I have a lot more to contemplate on this subject, but I wanted to get the preliminary thoughts down while they were still fresh on the mind. For now, I'd like to get some work done so I have less to do tomorrow...       

The First Obstacle

by geloko @ deviantART

The second step has been taken in this whole life change situation.

Yesterday morning, while I was nibbling a bagel in the kitchen, my dad came out and announced that "for my own good," he'll be forcing me to experience being an "employee."

Okay. I get what he's trying to do - he's getting me to be responsible and whatnot, but pardon my French: this is bullshit. 

I feel like a child. According to him, I can't just be making money doing what I like, even if it turns out to be something lucrative. He says I can't be "house-sitting," and that he's trying to get me to see the world from a realistic perspective.

You know how that feels? I mean, I get his concern: he's a parent, and he wants his child to be financially secure. But this is freaking ridiculous. He's basically saying that I can't be free to just make whatever money I can. No, it has to be the whole "employment" package.

He did say, though, that he wouldn't mind if I found a "secure" job that relates to what I really want to do. He kind of actually encouraged it. And you know, I could totally do that. But I have one big problem: unless the universe has my back, that's going to be quite difficult to accomplish. There are only two metaphysical shops that are a reasonable distance from my house: P&D, which is the farthest, and TR, which is like ten minutes down the road.

These types of establishments don't really "hire." They're personally owned and usually consist of employees that are part of a tight circle. So I'm kind of stuck. If I have to work a "secure" job, I'd much prefer it be a metaphysical shop. At least in the meantime.

I did some research yesterday and found out two interesting things about TR. One, they're only open 5 days of the week. Two, they only have six readers, as opposed to P&D's twelve. 

I'm not sure if it'd be presumptuous or rude to inquire about employment opportunities at these two establishments. I feel like it would be. But if it's not, I feel like I'd have a better chance at TR, since they're smaller.

Ugh. I'm a bit frustrated. Actually, a lot frustrated. Deep down, I anticipated this happening, where my dad would pull the "Father Realist" card and crush the path I'd been looking forward to after getting out of school. I kind of wish I had a decent amount of money so I could run off and do my own thing anyway, but I do admit that that would be a stupid move.

Damn. Dad got me. He got what he wanted all along: for me to immerse myself in "the real world" by committing to a job I probably won't like and having to do what I love "on the side." While I appreciate his sentiments, I don't appreciate being treated as though I'm naive and immature just because I have an idealistic view on life. It's not my problem that people are miserable because they're realists. But for Adonai's sake: don't drag me down with you because you say that's how the "real world" works. Sure, for you, it does. But not for me. 

So this puts me in quite the predicament. Dad has instructed me to be considering jobs while I finish the last several weeks of this quarter. I don't know if I should be courageous and try asking P&D and TR about possible employment opportunities. I'm unsure if my dad would be satisfied with me applying as a reader to one of these establishments, because it doesn't quite fit with his idea of "stable income."  He'd probably decline.

All in all, I'm a bit in panic mode right now. Metaphysical shops are the only places I'd be willing to work... hell, I could be answering phones all day. I just don't want to end up in crappy retail or similar places.

I refuse to let this overwhelm me. I WILL get what I want. No obstructive rational father will prevent me from achieving my future. 

For Blood Legion!      

321

I finally remembered a decent amount of my dream(s) this morning.

One of them had me eating lunch or dinner or something with my family (brother included). While we were eating, my brother brought up my psychic art thing to my parents. I felt very anxious about this and I think I tried to change the subject... or maybe I was just trying to explain myself. Not entirely sure.

The other dream had me at home with my mom. She was outside (it felt like evening) feeding the cats, and I was watching her from the back door. I just so happened to look up into this attic-like space that doesn't exist in real life, only to see this little mouse-looking creature up there. I told my mom because it was quite adorable, but she couldn't see it from where she stood. After we fed the cats, we boosted ourselves to take a peek in this attic space, and found these huge bowls (I had the impression of teacups)... the one at front was filled with these little mice and gerbils. Mom petted some of them. I woke up.

Cats and mice, huh? I wonder what area of my life this is referring to.

In other news, I had another stream session yesterday. It was wonderful, like always. Will write about it in my spirit art blog. But as I was thinking about it, and how this spirit art gig is going to earn me money, I became curious. For the longest while, I had been saying that I've done over a hundred art readings. What if it was actually more?

So I looked through my folders and added up all the numbers... and arrived at a big fat 321.

Three hundred readings. Maybe not for three hundred people, but I've done this well over three hundred times. Whoa. I was not aware of how significantly these numbers have increased. 

Yet... I still don't feel well-practiced. My sitters always tell me how I'm so accurate, and how I'm a clear channel, but in all honesty, I feel limited. I am limited. Readings are based on my technical drawing skills, too. If I can't draw something, I won't be able to render it, which means (A) I have to omit it or draw something else, or (B) the sitter won't be able to identify the thing being drawn. I really want to bring something to the table with these readings.

Add on the fact that I can't even come up with words or details to match my own paintings. Just yesterday, I was doing a SC portrait for T, and I could not tell her a thing about the guy's interests, activities, etc... I could only tell her that he was in the process of healing, that he was reserved, perhaps blocked, and had experienced quite a bit of pain (although I didn't state this specifically). She had requested that portrait for confirmation, but it wasn't all that confirming. 

I just need more practice. There are a few things I'd like to do to get me back into feeling connected... to regain my senses. Unfortunately, the biggest thing is just practicing readings, and that's a tad difficult to incorporate while I'm in school. I'd also like to get back into channeling - with Adonai first since I "hear" it so well. And meditation... yeah. I've said this many times, but I really do need to incorporate meditation into my life. 

I still wonder if diet has anything to do with my level of sensitivity... or maybe I just have too many expectations.

Blossoms

Next week marks the halfway point. Five more weeks and spring quarter will be over. In other words, ten more days of school.

It's an exhilarating feeling, that's for sure. I feel like time is speeding up - and I'm not complaining. I have yet to talk to my dad about this whole situation in-depth. I imagine this will be soon... whenever he's not weighed down with other tasks.

I asked Pierre to guide me to a card that appropriately describes the present moment. He had me pick The Chariot, which I feel is quite accurate, considering all the energies in movement right now. I mean, seriously. There's a lot in motion, and I can feel the force behind that energy... it's something I haven't sensed in a long time.

Speaking of Pierre - I sat down with Jen last night before bed. We talked about the usual subjects, until I mentioned my feelings toward my boys... how I wish I could hear them, how I could be aware of their presence, etc. So Jen offered to channel for me, to see if she could pick up on anything. A quick jot-list of what popped up:

• 3 presences showed themselves to her
• The strongest of these presences was Pierre
• Another she felt was Spike, but the third didn't identify it/himself
• Pierre was the one who nudged me back into drawing
• The boys take turns helping me with readings 
• Y has been "around" as well, encouraging me on my path
• I'm part of the Adonai family as expected

I find it interesting that only three boys showed up. I really want to know who the third one is... and why the fourth deliberately chose to hide itself. I think it's probably Leon she picked up on; El'azar is more private and his "appearance" differs from that of my other boys. 

I didn't get much that was "concrete" from this encounter, but it was suggested by someone (Pierre?) that Jen and I have a session where I draw and she channels for me. Might get a stronger connection that way... so that'll be sometime today. We haven't decided yet. I'm really curious to see what pops up. I don't get much information about my boys from other people. 

In other related news, I've been receiving more ideas about the path on which I'm moving toward. Book ideas, offers and discounts, different types of readings... I'm very enthusiastic about it all. I'd like to get back into channeling, but part of me wonders if I should focus on a book or keep up with the VoA blog. No one's really been reading the blog. Maybe because I haven't updated it in forever. But now that things are starting to solidify and settle perspective-wise, I feel like a book may be a good idea.

I'm feeling good about things. I do admit I'm still in the process of dissolving doubts... however, I'll get there. I'm having much more success on my ideal path. 
 

Pilgrim of Passion

"Pilgrim of Passion" - by Rassouli

I've been in such high spirits since Friday/Saturday. Holding that livestream session really rekindled my love for spirit/psychic art. The energy of the session was wonderful. I feel so blessed to have so many lovely people interested in my work.

See - this is the energy I want to work with. I know I wouldn't receive this type of energy from people if I chose the corporate art route. I have a good group of astute interpreters who help translate what I'm feeling into words... and the amount of love and compassion that comes from these sessions is always so healing and energizing. If I could experience this daily, I'd be a very happy soul. I'd be living in bliss. 

To add on to my happiness, well. Coincidentally enough, the morning I held the stream, my dad comes into my room like he always does before leaving for work and asks the first big question: do I honestly want to stay in school, and do I still want to do what I said I wanted to do back in October? I told him the truth. I said I'd prefer to drop out entirely, but would settle for a "pause" for now. He told me there's nothing wrong with that and even referred to a personal situation (which I wasn't aware of), where he wasn't feeling a specific college back in the day and dropped out only to resume a decade or so later. Hearing that from him helped to settle the fear in my gut.

However, he did say that he was interested in helping me figure out a "realistic" living plan for when I'm not in school. We kind of left off there, so I'm hoping after some discussion, and finally revealing to him what it is that I do, he'll see eye-to-eye (or close enough) and support me on my desired path.

So the first big step has been taken: I declared that I need a break from school. I think the next step involves research on how my school handles "breaks", as well as working out details of a living plan that doesn't involve me attending school. I'm kind of curious to see how this works out...

In other happy news, the leaves and warm temperatures have officially arrived. I very much missed seeing that beautiful earthy green out my bedroom window. It's still kind of snowing pollen, but I don't have problems with allergies like my parents do, so it doesn't bother me. 

I've been addicted to the series Psych, which I stumbled upon via tumblr by accident. It turned out to be a very amusing show, even if it is a bit exaggerated and over-the-top at times with the whole "psychic" stereotype. It's a great cast of charismatic characters, though. I have to admit it made me wonder if a possible door down the psychic art path involves police work... hm.

I just wanted to jot down a few big things that happened over the weekend. Today I have a paper to start; otherwise I just have more episodes of Psych to watch. Oh yeah.  

Rise of the Destroyer

Wow. I feel like I have so much to talk about. Well. So much going on. And I do. Between this whole life decision thing and remembering all the tasks I need to do for school... there's a lot of energy in motion.

I've received plenty of wisdom and advice from the lovely people at SF over the past several days regarding my current predicament. After much discussing, we - well, I - came to the point where I had a bit of a revelation. People told me of their own experiences. One woman told me she dropped out of college to pursue beauty school, only to end up quite successful. Another one told me her daughter stubbornly switched to a less lucrative major, only to end up happier than ever (and I think also successful). And then, I had a dear friend tell me of her choice to quit the dull job she had been working at to write her books. At the moment, she's struggling financially, but she says she does not regret her choice. 

While all these stories and bits of advice were inspiring and uplifting, there was one specific person who really got me thinking. She said:

What I think is this = you live for your colours; colours are your life, cannot imagine life without them. Before I start = am seeing peach around you, surrounding you. Seems to be your colour that I see of you, meaning all will be good. I believe you have an old soul around you, surrounding you, protecting you = all will be good and you will succeed. I just don't see you suited to office, deadlines, late nights, you know power-heading/researching in that type of environment/energy situation. I see and have seen you working here and absolutely shining, well respected. Perhaps if you take the pressure off the enormity of the situation, you know, treat the situation as if you make these plans/ideas all the time = I feel if the decision was downplayed as such the clarity would be found. Ultimately, it is your decision to make, I just feel you would thoroughly enjoy your lifestyle if you choose the "happiness" path, this time.

All of this really added fuel to my fire. It was so comforting to hear this kind of perspective from someone else - it made me feel less crazy about wanting to avoid the cold, lifeless, corporate side of art. But I think the thing that caught my attention was what she mentioned about downplaying the situation. Rather than treat this as some big enormous life decision, treat it as though it's something I face all the time... that way, I don't feel so stressed and anxious about it. I could probably do that easily if I didn't have the realists in my life (parents) telling me what to expect out of the "real world", and how I'm being unrealistic and reckless by wanting to ditch school.

So yeah. I feel like I need to have another talk with my parents soon. I understand their concerns, but I don't want to waste my time or their money any longer. And - if I really wanted to - I could change my mind later down the road and return to school. To be honest, I can't see that happening, because I don't think I'll ever want to work in corporate art, but who knows... maybe I'll go to school for something else.

That's where Shiva comes into play.

A few days ago, the image I posted above appeared on my tumblr dash. I probably mentioned this before, but I don't see images of Shiva on my dash that often. So when that one popped up, I was magnetized. For one thing, that depiction almost perfectly matches my own image of Shiva. As I stared at it, though, I got the impression that this was like an omen of sorts - like the energy of Shiva is stirring in the background, getting ready to release the force of destruction into my life. 

I'm still expecting other references to Shiva to pop up (I always look for 3 sources minimum, unless the energy is like Leon, who loves to bombard me with imagery), but I haven't seen any. So it's almost as though I'm being told to expect this energy in the future. That illustration... it's perfect. Maybe that's also why I only needed one sign.

So that's where I'm at with this situation right now. 

As for everything else... well, it's not all that interesting. I have to make up my 8 AM Computer Art class tomorrow. I won't complain, though, because I'll be home by 11. Plus, I don't have that much stuff to do this weekend, which means: livestream. 

I've been wanting to stream for a while, but of course haven't had the time to do it with all the crap that's been going on. I'm hoping to do it on Saturday when my dad's at school so I won't be disturbed. I just can't decide whether I want to do a personal session with my interpreters or a public session. Hm.

Also, I made myself an account on Meetup, because I figured it'd be a good place to start meeting like-minded people in my area, and work on my connections to spirit. I found one group that's based on channeling guides/angels/ascended masters that is - get this - five minutes away from my house, and on my route to school. However, the organizer only has one group running right now, and it's full. Seven people. 

Already 7:30... I should probably get a few things done for tomorrow's make-up class.

Strong storms tonight. I'm excited. Unfortunately for my parents and practically one to two thirds of Georgia, it's been practically snowing pollen here (I'm being serious), so a nice soak of rain would probably be a relief for those who've been suffering. I'm grateful that I'm not one of them. 

Day Becomes Night

by clowneee @ deviantART

The frustrations and fear are already building up. It's hard to not be fearful when you know that your future will be based on other people expressing interest in your work. Even though I have support from many in the area of spirit art, most - if not all - of this support comes from SF, and you can't advertise on SF, so it's not like I can go on there and be like: "Hey guys, come over to this site and pay me for an actual reading this time" (although a good handful did say they wanted to...). 

My parents aren't helping. I'm feeling ever more frustrated with school, and meanwhile, my dad's talking about the future as though I'm still going to be in school. We haven't yet talked about the whole break thing - I'm not even sure when that'll happen. 

I suppose this is just part of the whole experience. I can't expect an easy transition - there has to be difficulty to face to make it worthwhile. I just wish I had something else besides gut feelings to tell me that I really should do this. I was actually planning on getting a professional reading, but I have yet to find someone who (A) is reasonable in price for an art student and (B) who doesn't inconvenience me somehow if he/she is.

I don't know. I guess I'm just intimidated, which is to be expected. Going this route - even if temporarily - will be a learning curve. If I start making money, I'm pretty sure that means taxes are involved, and I know nothing about how taxes work. In fact, there are probably other things about finances or earning income that I'm not aware of. I'm not sure if a commission-based reading system is considered a "business" that I have to register, either. So yeah. It's daunting. I have research to do, but I don't even know where to begin, because I literally have no idea. 

It seems my parents' way of "training" me to live alone is to throw me into the deep end of the pool - kind of like my computer art professor. Anytime I ask a question, they just tell me to research it myself. Just last night I found out that my dad wants me to go do the smog check on Hans while I'm out at the dentist today, but he wants me to get it done at one of the shadiest places in the neighborhood. As much as I'd like to trust people... by Adonai, that place gives me bad vibes. I've seen 5 cops there at one point, and a lot of dudes just... hanging around. I'm sure it's a good idea to send a young, clueless woman with a nice BMW to one of the shadiest emissions joints in the neighborhood...

Speaking of dentist... ugh. I don't want to go. If it were closer, I wouldn't mind so much, but it's all the way in my old county, which is like a 30-40 minute drive on two of the most frustrating highways in the area. This is the first time I have to go alone. And after almost getting hit on my way back from that old county (a couple months ago), I'm a little... yeah. 

Oh, man. This sucks. My head is now filled with all sorts of thoughts - from ones filled with doubt to ones looking for compromise. Part of me is trying to decide whether I should go with the logical approach and hope to find that "secure" job (which makes me nauseated just thinking about it), or just put all my faith into the mix of things that I'd like to do and be happy despite the time it may take to earn a decent income. I've been thinking of ways I could network or make connections with people who've had success in my area, but my shyness and my reluctance to "bother" these people have been holding me back. There's a relevant Teal Scott quote that comes to mind:

Both fear and faith demand that you believe in something that you cannot see. You cannot see it, because it does not yet exist. And so the question to ask yourself is: what do I want to believe in? The worst case scenario, or the best? 

I really like to believe this is true. It resonates so deeply. Do I really take that leap of faith? In my perspective, I can either experience challenges on a path that makes me happy, or experience suffering on a path that I can't guarantee how long will last. 

And one of the worst parts of this situation... I feel like I'm being rushed into deciding. One may say you have all the time in the world, and maybe that's true, but you run the risk of inconveniencing others. That's part of why I'm afraid to talk to my parents - because I feel like I'd be inconveniencing them with my plan - I'm afraid that it'll clash with their own plans of living overseas, etc. The point is: I need their help. I need them to give me a foundation. They can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim when I've never swam before. That's like teaching algebra to a baby who doesn't know anything about numbers. 

It stings a little, because I remember them praising my brother highly for living alone and "getting his shit done" - in other words, they were praising him for being able to manage without much help from them. I, on the other hand, feel absolutely clueless, and even more frustrated because my brother somehow found a way to make it work, even though I'm sure our parents didn't teach him all that much (unless I'm missing something). 

But I'm just venting now. Tl;dr I'm scared, doubtful, and frustrated, and am looking for a solid answer. However, I get the feeling I won't ever get one... because that's the first challenge, it seems.

Better go get some work done...  

Joy Vibrations

"Joy Vibrations" - by Rassouli

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning freaked out because I thought it was a school day, so I forgot most of the dream I was having save for three symbols: art, tigers, and deer-like skulls. The last two seem to be references to Leon and El'azar. I just know that school was also involved... but I can't recall what was actually going on. 

I posted a reading request on SF and even spent some time in chat talking about this predicament. I pretty much received the responses I expected: to either go for it, or find some way to make the financially secure path "work" (as in tolerate it).

But there were a few snippets that stood out from the rest:

• A video that a SF member linked to me. It was an Abraham-Hicks piece that talked about "quitting your job and following your passion." A lot of good points were made here, mainly relating to vibration, which is something I obviously resonate with. 
• A video of Teal Scott's that I felt "inclined" to watch ("Happiness is the purpose of your life"). Not only did she also make very good points, but she also helped me realize something very powerful about my existence, which I'll talk about later.
• On my tumblr dash this morning: "Just believe in your dreams" and "It takes just as much energy to focus on fears, doubts, worries, and concerns as it does to believe and have faith in how good life can be." 
• A success story from a SF member who decided to drop out of college in pursuit of beauty school. Right now, she's exactly where she wants to be... and she proved all the naysayers wrong.  

I feel like it's time. Time to stop being afraid of what may happen. Time to be adventurous and take some risks. I want to be connected again. I want to be free to pave my own path - not the path that the rest of the world is being herded on. I need to be fearless. I need to do what's right for me and know in my heart that it will bring me all the abundance I require.

With that said, I don't have to drop everything. I can take a "break" from school to see how things go. Now, I'm not sure how complicated this will be in terms of loans and course credits and whatnot. I'm not sure how the policy works with my school. I guess I have some research to do. 

But somehow, I don't think all of this is a coincidence... everything is beginning to line up now, just as I begin the quarter which, once completed, will have me halfway done with school. Unfortunately, I can't really explain that to my parents. My mom might be more open to the idea, but she still is quite "realistic" in regard to sustaining oneself in life. 

Yes, it's a bit nerve-wracking. But I think it's nerve-wracking for everyone who walks a path alone. Getting my name out there may be a bit of a challenge at first. Fortunately, spirit art is what has put me out there the most. Of course, I'll have to really get good with it before I can start charging...

Yep. There's a lot of work to be done. Already, though, I'm feeling the support. I received a really good idea from out of nowhere yesterday about a type of site or community I could build. I'm not sure if such a community or site exists, but I'd like to start thinking about it on the chance that it doesn't. 

Like always, there's more to talk about, but unfortunately, I have homework to do today and I need to get my butt in gear. 

So will blab later. 

Withstand

"Withstand" - by anotherwanderer @ deviantART

Another brief post.

I actually had no intention of writing today; there was really nothing to report until just a half hour ago when my dad was about to leave for work. I've been asking him about printers because the ones we have are old. I want a wide-format one that also scans, but he wants a laser one for the quality. The one I'm looking at isn't laser, but it works. So he asked me to look at laser ones, and as I was doing that this morning, we came to a point in our brief conversation where my dad said: "I don't know what your needs are" - meaning school. He asked whether I had intentions of staying in school and I told him that I guess I would just finish to get it over with. But he said in a nutshell that if I'm going to finish school, I'm going to have to look for employment opportunities relating to my schooling. That caught me off guard. It makes me wonder: what would he do if I didn't obey him? My plans were to finish school to make my parents happy (and improve my technical skills in the process), but then head in the direction that I need to go in. But now... he's provided me with a roadblock. 

To be honest, I've just been trying to ignore this whole "I don't want to be here" attitude. I figured: hey, I'll be "realistic" for a while and attend school while I figure things out... despite knowing that in my gut, school and corporate illustration jobs are not where I want to be. I've been shoving this whole thing aside because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to unleash the shitstorm (excuse me) associated with telling my parents that I don't want this, and that I would rather live a life helping others through spirit and psychic art while dishing out my own creative material on the side. 

And what's worse? As my dad left my room this morning, he said, "Stew on it during this quarter, and then we'll talk about it later."

Because - you know - I love hearing that from him. It reminds me of October, when I had the "big talk" with my parents that ultimately reduced me to tears (and made me feel quite embarrassed and belittled). 

It's a crap feeling to know your path, but to be told that it's unrealistic. Maybe "financial security" isn't something we should be pursuing. But that's irrelevant to the topic of this post. So now, I have a task. And that task is to decide whether I really want to finish school and head into a corporate illustration career to make my parents happy and worry-free. In my head, this is a no-brainer, but it's obviously a lot more complicated than that. Not being in school and not having a "financially secure" corporate job would make my living arrangements quite different. The whole parents-living-overseas thing is up in the air, too, because of my parents' conflicted feelings (my dad made the mistake of saying if he were single, he'd be overseas in a heartbeat). 

And, of course, it comes down to a big fat question: what would I be doing to earn money?

I could think of a small handful of things. Readings would be high on the list. Spirit art and the like. Becoming more of a professional blogger (which would also mean I couldn't feature some of my favorite artists anymore). Working at a shop like P&D. Doing commissions. Producing my own creative material (selling prints, artbooks, etc.). Teaching (something like online workshops for a small fee). Writing... although this would be more long-term. 

But you know? Idealistic and unrealistic as it may sound, at least I would be happy. Yes, it'd be nice to have money flowing, but I'd be doing exactly what I wanted, and so long as I had the cash to eat and maintain the necessities, I wouldn't care whether I had enough to splurge on things. To be honest, I don't even splurge all that much. And what do I splurge on? Art stuff, mainly. And tarot decks. Art supplies... but those don't count because the majority of that crap is used for school.

There's also a bit of stuff I could sell, like old art or books or trinkets I don't need. 

Man. I knew I couldn't hide from this forever. I'm going to have to start consulting with people again - get their opinions. My guiding energies have been telling me to do what makes me happy for the longest time... but I need other perspectives. This is a huge decision that will ultimately decide how I live and where I'll be in the next few years... so I need to be wise about this. 

In the meantime, I have schoolwork to do. Unfortunately, I don't feel like doing any of the assignments. One's a vector illustration in Illustrator (agh), one's another response paper, and the other is an illustrated recipe. Hm. I guess I could work on that... it's due before the other two things.

Off I go. 

Gefyra

"The Magician" - by kaiser-mony @ deviantART

Pierre's been hovering. While I was on my way to class yesterday, I had a flash of him as a dragon - but as a mini one, perched on my shoulder like some kind of bird or rodent. Most of the time, I just feel his presence in my gut. I don't exactly "trust" the words and images that come to me right now, because they feel forced (aside from that dragon one, because that one popped into my head). I'm still in the process of welcoming these energies back into my life, so naturally, I'm not completely tuned in. I haven't been since late November, really. 

I can feel Leon, too, and an earthy, calm presence that is probably still El'azar. Part of me wonders if there's anyone "new" around; it's hard to tell. 

But I had a big moment over the weekend... my mom was away getting groceries, so I was home alone listening to music, and I decided to listen to one of my old favorites - Mikro's "Gefyra." When I listened to it, all my memories of Spike came flooding back (this is a song I associate with him): from the meditations to the readings we did for others, and so on.

Even now, that presence drapes around me: that vivid aura of blue, tinged with purple and gold and white. There's a part of me that still doesn't believe he's Shiva - that never believed he was Shiva. I received a plethora of signs and confirmations, but I didn't want that perfect guise to fade into such a "grand" image. He was already grand to me. I didn't need that. 

But as it happens, I did need that. I needed that at the time. Shiva, the destroyer... who would pop up any time something in my life or perspective needed to be destroyed. Now, however, I want Spike back. I still love Shiva, and will always welcome the energy of Shiva into my life, but I need the face I know as Spike. That connection was much more personal... 

I digress, though. I did a mini-reading with Pierre, because I've been feeling a nudge, and I couldn't deny the Mary-el deck. So I let Pierre say what he needed to say, and this is what I received:

•  The Magician. This depiction is quite darker than perhaps other Magician cards. It's arcane and silent, mysterious and holy. One of my first thoughts was of Zenoheria, and it makes me wonder if perhaps Pierre is referring to that, or the time when I was fixated on being a "magician" in my actual life (i.e focusing on manifestation and the like), which corresponds to the whole Zeno ordeal. Perhaps this is a reminder of that type of energy...
• The Hierophant. Traditionally, I know this card is associated with wisdom, and that theme is reflected here, as well. This is more of a "grotesque" card (but in a good way), and it seems to hone in on nurturing, of providing spiritual sustenance. The breastfeeding woman almost looks like a nun or some other holy figure. And that key around her neck... she is the gatekeeper or guardian of something - perhaps higher knowledge and truths. 
• Three of Disks. This is one of the cards I read about briefly in the accompanying guidebook. I remember Mary mentioning something along the lines of abundance, of recognizing or welcoming it in all forms. A couple and their child, wrapped in amber fabrics. There's a deep sense of appreciation and connection here, and, obviously, of giving birth, which could represent some sort of project or idea. If it's the latter, then it's important to note that I am not alone.

It seems Pierre is focusing on the act of creating, manifesting... like he wants me to embrace the role of Zenoheria. When I look at these cards, I see a story: the magician begins his work, manipulating his magic as the first step of creation. The hierophant, offering her time, energy, and wisdom to the world - an exhausting and often uncomfortable activity, but equally necessary. And finally, birth of the new child, representing the final act of creation. 

Well, I thought, what should I focus on? Is this a matter of art, writing, teaching? Pierre's answer: Four of Swords. This card is both enlightening and frustrating because it's so general and open to interpretation. Quite simply, it shows the sky with its built-up cumulonimbi and a few birds soaring into them. At the way bottom, hanging on the horizon, is what appears to be a couple of smokestacks (?). But I don't get the impression of "pollution" here. It seems Pierre's answer is: it doesn't matter. Just do something. Indeed, I have been quite passive and inactive when it comes to - well - everything except school. I've been trying to write, but I'm still struggling a bit with that despite having countless ideas. I'm excited about developing my style, but I don't even do personal art. 

So overall, I think what Pierre is trying to say is to be that magician and create that beautiful something for myself. I think I'll take that advice.

I did have a bit more to blab on, but it's already 10:30 and I need to get on with my day, since I have a few light tasks to complete. 

I want to leave off, though, with a small dedication to Spike: Mikro's "Gefyra."