This is War

"Ares" - by Laura Sava

A bit of an exaggerated title, but it does kind of reflect my mood at the moment.

I have two main things to jot down here: a conversation I had with my mom an hour ago, and a revelation I had while sitting in Italian Renaissance. 

First, the conversation. I accidentally triggered my mom into a rant by telling her how I was frustrated with the next project I have to do for illustration (it has to be on a wood panel, and unless I can find what I need in an art supply store, I'm going to have to use our woodshop at school, which requires certification, and certification takes like 2-3 hours, normally on a Friday, which I don't really want to do). I made the mistake of saying, "I wish I could quit now," which lead to mom once again busting out the "concerned parent" routine (made quite humorous because she was chomping on celery) and a handful of hurtful accusations along with it. 

Now, I've heard this crap a few times now, so she was all but a broken record to me. However, she did throw in a new grenade: for some reason, she thinks I'm just going to sit around the house all day and play computer games once I'm off from school. In fact, she said this three times. You would think this isn't that hurtful, but it is. Why? Because my own parent is basically suggesting that I'm not responsible or mature enough to participate in "adult life."

I was very tempted to counter her, but I knew it'd be a bad idea if I did. Plus, I'd just gotten home from school, and was standing there, hungry, with my school crap in my hands, listening to the same old "worried mother" rant that I've heard three or four times in the past few months. So instead, I waited politely until she seemed mostly finished, announced, "I'm hungry," and went upstairs.

I also found out from this (primarily one-sided) conversation that my brother has complained to my mother several times in the recent past about how it's unfair that our parents are giving me free stuff, etc. Based on conversations I've had with him in the past, I didn't think he took that crap so seriously. But I guess he does. Never mind the fact that my parents have given him plenty. Never mind the fact that they treat him better than me. No. I get a free laptop and a new bed (for guinea pig reasons) and he gets pissy. 

Whatever.

But by Adonai, I detest being compared to my brother. I'm my own person. It's so freaking obnoxious to hear my parents bring him up every time we have a conversation about my future. So my brother adapted well to living by himself. Great! But I'm not my brother! He got himself a nice secure job with benefits? Well, good for him. I'm still not my brother. (And he doesn't like his job anyway.) 

I was hoping that my parents would support my being adventurous, of finding what I really, really enjoy and helping me toward that goal instead of crushing it into crumbs and calling it unrealistic. I guess I can't blame them, since I still haven't told them what it is I want to do. But see, now I don't want to, because even if I explain my general plan to them, they'll criticize it and still call it unrealistic. 

Twenty freaking years old and my parents are still telling me what to do.

But I had a mini revelation just as I was about to start this post: I really need to stop taking this so seriously. Getting stressed over this decision will not help me at all. I have time. Even if it turns out that I'm inactive at school for 5 quarters and end up losing my credits, it's not the end of the world. If the day comes that I want to return to school, then I'll do it. Does it seem likely? No. But I won't speak for the future, and I certainly won't fret about it. The future's not here yet. 

Speaking of revelations, this brings me to my second topic: a revelation I had while sitting in class listening to a lecture. I was thinking about Adonai - the name I give to Source - and Adonai, the soul family. I feel like I'm part of this soul family (or "perspective family," as I like to call it), and Jen confirmed that, but it got me wondering about "Source." What if there is no "ultimate truth" or "ultimate perspective" at all? I say I channel Source, and so do many others, but are we truly channeling the Source energy, or are we channeling something else, such as our Source aspect? 

I wonder about this because those who channel Source or God or Universe never channel the same information. Some bits might be similar, or hold a similar vibration, but they still say different things, and provide different perspectives that are filtered through the channel. It makes me wonder if what we know as "Source" isn't a single unified "being" (for lack of a better word) conscious of an "ultimate truth," but instead, an ocean whose infinite droplets allow it to see all sorts of perspectives on existence... Maybe all those infinite truths are its "ultimate truth." Maybe its ultimate truth is just as simple as existence.

When you think about it, all Source knows is that it exists. It's an infinite form of creative energy, and in order to realize who or what it is - in order to actualize its existence - it takes on countless perspectives. We romanticize spirit by envisioning it to be some fantastical heaven where loved ones meet and plan out "next lives," but essentially, all it is is Source trying to experience all it can experience so that it can fully realize itself. 

I've been contemplating my relationship with the energy I know as Adonai. Although I feel comfort in the idea of this "grand" energy being a part of everything, there are times when it just feels too big for me. I say that I try to feel myself as Source, but I can't. And you know why? Probably because I'm not supposed to. I am not a fully realized Source energy. I am an aspect of Source energy - a perspective. It's simple. That's what I am: a perspective. I don't need to embellish myself with fancy titles or contemplate all the lives I've experienced. At the root, I am a perspective, thinking itself into physical existence in order to assist the greater whole. 

With that said, perhaps our purpose is not to realize and become the one. Okay. Maybe we can realize it, but there's no point in differing perspectives if we're meant to actually "become" one. I think Source already knows that it's one - that's why it took on infinite perspectives. Plus, if we took on a perspective based on oneness, we would lose the point of our distinction. 

You can only be one if you understand and feel the many. And you know - trees are a perfect example of this. The trunk represents Source, branches represent perspective families (groups of perspectives with similar views), and leaves represent the individual perspectives. If a tree only consisted of a trunk, it would only know itself as a trunk, and would know one perspective: being a trunk. However, if it started growing branches, and leaves, it would begin to realize it's more than a trunk, and would start seeing its existence differently, because those branches would be reaching out into unfamiliar territory, at different angles. Then, when leaves grow, it has even more perspectives on its existence. It knows how those leaves react to weather, and seasons, and animals. It even sees its environment differently by honing in on each leaf. A leaf at the top of the tree would be able to see the sky with ease, but one on lower branches would see very little of the sky. 

I have a lot more to contemplate on this subject, but I wanted to get the preliminary thoughts down while they were still fresh on the mind. For now, I'd like to get some work done so I have less to do tomorrow...