The Language of Embers

by hoooook @ deviantART

Had a bit of an emotionally turbulent day. Nothing too drastic, but my mood definitely came in swings... I'm unsure whether the moon has anything to do with it. Probably amplified things a bit.

I started out the day feeling pretty good (it's hard to not feel excited on your last day of class before a 4-day weekend), but toward the middle of the day, as my professors lectured and reminded me how awful life is in the 21st century, I began to feel low again. I was at my lowest point - on the verge of tears - during my midterm conference with my illustration professor. He asked me where I saw myself in 3-5 years, and I twisted the truth a bit: I told him I wasn't interested in corporate illustration and that I would prefer more freelance type stuff. I also told him about my plan to take time off from school... and toward the end of our conversation, I began to tear up, because he brought up the whole "we're going to miss you" thing, and I just felt so vulnerable, because I can't express what I really want to do and how much it means to me. 

By the way - I doubt people in that school would miss me. I can only think of one person who's legitimately interested in who I am as an individual, which is fitting because she's the most interesting and lovable person I've met during my time there. Everyone else... they just use me as a source of information or supplies, or talk to me when there's no one else to talk to. I just can't connect with these people.

I'm also disappointed because I heard back from both P&D and TR. I emailed them asking about employment opportunities. The owner of TR gave me a short: "We have no opportunities at this time," while a kind lady at P&D - the same one who replied back to me before - said that while there were no opportunities available in the foreseeable future, she would be happy to put my information in their "employment file." I don't know whether she'll actually do this, though. 

So I'm getting a little antsy. I doubt things will change over the next month, but I'm crossing my fingers. There's only one other metaphysical shop that's relatively in my area, but it's much farther than I'm willing to drive. I'm a bit at a loss now. I don't know what else I could do that would satisfy both me and my dad.

Speaking of which... I remembered something very important and relevant to this whole "life decisions" thing. In fact, I'm surprised I didn't remember this, which is why I wonder if "someone" dropped this into my head. It came out of nowhere.

See, when my brother graduated high school (he was a year ahead of me), my parents let him take a year off to figure out what he was going to do, because he had no clue. And guess what? He slacked. He got to sleep in, play video games, stay up late, and whatever else he wanted to do for an entire year, without having to work. Eventually, he decided on going into the military.

I never got a year off. My parents may have offered me the opportunity when I graduated, too, but at the time, I was more concerned with just starting art school so I could get it over with sooner. I was also eager to have a close friend with me so that the experience of college wouldn't be so scary... and my friend wasn't going to wait around for a year.

So I feel like it's extremely unfair that my brother was able to take a year off to do absolutely nothing, while I'm sitting here asking to start making money, to start working on my dreams and my ideal future. Asking to get involved with like-minded people. So it's not stable income. Who cares? Just like any other career, I have to start somewhere.

I will definitely be bringing this up the next time this subject comes around. Thank you to whoever reminded me about that "year off." I can't believe I'd forgotten. Probably because my parents smother me with how responsible and mature my brother has become, living on his own and whatnot. 

All in all, I'm ticked. And vulnerable. And moody. Things improved as the day went by, though. I got a 90 on my Italian Renaissance exam and got to come home 30 minutes early in beautiful weather and much less traffic. 

Thank Adonai I have a stubborn nature. I may be sensitive, but I'm determined to have things my way.

I was going to elaborate on my thoughts about Source, but I'll do that later. I do want to mention something, though: while I was browsing SF, a thread titled "Ways of Receiving Information from Higher Self" caught my attention, and I hovered over it to read the first line, which said: "I have been watching many videos lately by Teal Scott...."

If that's not a big fat sign, I don't know what is. I'm glad to see I'm going in the right direction. I think I need to start watching more Teal Scott videos again...

Oh - and I also want to mention that I need to work on trust and faith when it comes to my skills. I feel... unskilled because I can't pick up really fancy and specific things about people like most other intuitives and psychics can. I seek clarity with my readings. But after a conversation with Jen and having her get me to tune into a "spirit phone call" (the pressure changes, etc. I often get in my left ear), I realize that I need to trust what comes through a lot more.

That's why I'm eager for that channeling group. I'm looking for other psychic development groups or classes but I can't find any that suit me (good vibes and not too expensive). 

I'll get there, though. I just need to practice, practice, practice, and trust.