Releasing the Old

"Bringer of the Dawn" - by Rassouli

New Year's Eve... 

Funny. It actually feels more like a "holiday" today - perhaps because I know an old chapter is ending, and a new one is beginning. I can feel new and eager energies around me; they might be my own, or they might be those of the collective. January is supposed to be a very powerful month for manifestation - and not just for me, since I mentioned in my 2014 overlook that it looked like my wishes would be fulfilled - but for the entire planet... especially with that supermoon tomorrow. A new moon, but a supermoon... A really strong opportunity for new chapters and fresh starts. I find that very appealing right now. 

Speaking of new starts, the last draw of Solstice Light reflects on how we can release the old and welcome in the new. I drew The Circle, which calls on a few themes I've already noted before in this reading: utilizing rituals, calling on spiritual guidance/energy, creating a sacred and safe environment, and setting boundaries. I feel the interpretation about utilizing rituals resonates most strongly; I'm already quite ritualistic by nature, and I think the only way I'll truly release the old is to create a ritual to do so: writing, art, some form of meditation, etc. 

I was actually planning on a meditation tonight or tomorrow night in order to focus on what I want to manifest. I guess I'll do a "releasing" meditation tonight and a manifestation one tomorrow. 

Gosh, I love fresh starts. I haven't been this eager for a new chapter in a long while. I thought I would long to stay where I'm at right now: sitting around the house doing nothing entirely important... but I'm actually really wanting to make progress. I'm wanting to figure out what I want and go for it. And to be honest, I think a lot of this desire has reawakened since meeting Lor. He's really made me feel more confident and enthusiastic.

But I have to admit... I'm actually a little nervous. I'm at a point where I'm actually unsure of what I really want to manifest - specifically career-wise. Well, I know what I want, but the tiny rational part of my mind thinks it won't happen, because it's too specific. Essentially, I want to work at a spiritual shop or center, and do my readings on the side until I have enough experience to simply do readings (unless I'm happy with doing both for a while). That's what I want for now, anyway. Who knows what I'll want a few years from now?

I also have other things I want as part of this package, with the most important being: I want to move closer to Lor, so that we could possibly see each other in person. The other things are just about the type of town or home I'm living in... something safe, relatively modern, and not exactly in the middle of nowhere. But if I find what I really want, then these things aren't all that important. 

So I'm a little doubtful. I don't want to be doubtful; however, I know how hard it is to work at a spiritual shop or center, because the little shops don't typically hire, and the centers probably require more experience. And I'm not sure how easy it would be to try and apply for one of these shops/centers in another state. 

I honestly don't know what else I could do to earn a solid income for myself, unless I rely completely on my creative/intuitive work, or sacrifice my happiness to work elsewhere until I finally get what I want. I know that's what most people end up doing, but even if I did gather up the mental strength and patience to do that, I'm still not sure what I would even choose to do. I don't want to go anywhere near retail (other than those new age shops), but what else would there be for someone like me, who doesn't really have much experience in anything? Perhaps I need to do some research...

Until then, though, I'll still be focusing all my energy on manifesting my dream scenario. 

Happy New Year's, and good luck to everyone in 2014! Enjoy the ride. 

Walking the Path

"Bodhisattva" - by kairosis @ deviantART

I'm really loving this peace and quiet. I would feel bad for saying that, but I think I'm entitled to my peace and solitude.

Today's draw is for Day of Rest, which helps us determine how we can walk a relaxed and confident path. I drew Beltane, which is so unbelievably perfect for this question. As most of us know, Beltane is the midpoint between spring and summer, and represents the time when the God becomes mature enough to court and unite with the Goddess. Because of this, Beltane can primarily represent a perfect match or happy partnership. It also represents good choices, following your heart, celebration, fertility/creativity, and self-love.

I think most of these meanings are self-explanatory. They all make sense in regard to my situation, as well - even the one about partnership. Isn't that crazy? For years, I've been going on about how I don't need or want a partner. It's so ironic. At the same time, though, I think I expected it. Totally seems like something the universe would do.

So how do I walk a relaxed and confident path? I follow my heart, for starters. I do what makes me happy, even if it seems unrealistic or impractical to most. I make choices that I know in my gut are right, despite anything my fears or rational mind might say. I celebrate moments of triumph, and work determinedly past barriers and obstacles, seeing them as challenges to be overcome. I work creatively from the heart, and focus solely on abundance in all forms. And possibly the most important of all: I learn to love myself. 

Being with Lor has made that last one pretty darn clear. If I don't love myself - if I'm not secure or comfortable with myself - all sorts of things start to go wrong. Fears and insecurities keep me weighed down. Being in a relationship has brought all this to my attention; I've learned so much already, and it's only been a month or so. 

I can't stress self-love enough. For months, I believed I loved myself... but in reality, I only wholly loved certain things, and pretended to love the rest. Pretending won't work. 

So perhaps that can be my main goal for 2014. Self-love. I'll already be working on embracing change and the like, but I think things will work more to my benefit if I'm in a state of self-love. I can also work on all the other things listed here, but self-love is most important. 

I'm worthy of love, and I deserve happiness and abundance.    

Musings on the Inner Child

by Julie Dillon

I woke up at 9:30 today. 9:30. Well, technically I was up at 8:40, but I still felt so bloody tired. I really need to start exercising... I wish I could go walking, because that's what I enjoy doing most (along with yoga), but it's too cold and I still don't know if my mom would be up for tagging along. The highs these days don't really slip past 55, which would be tolerable with plenty of sunshine. But it seems for the next week, those 55 highs are accompanied by rain.

I'm not sure if regular yoga would be as helpful as walking. It might help with strength, flexibility, and balance, but I'm not sure if it would help with energy. I just know one thing: sitting in a chair all day, every day is not helping my body. I suppose I could resort to simple exercises I can do indoors... accompanied by yoga. At this point, I might actually be eager to exercise.

Today I reflect on the inner child - my playful side. Interestingly enough, I drew The God. Not quite what I was expecting. The God represents masculine energy - primal energy. He represents strength and certainty and masculine power. But how is this supposed to answer my question of "how can I best connect to and express my inner child"? I like to think I do a pretty good job already. Maybe not openly amongst my family, but whenever I get the chance. Somehow, I don't really resonate with the idea that I need to connect with my masculine energies more to be able to connect with energies of the inner child. 

This might be a little crazy, but when I reread "masculine energy, primal energy, strength and certainty," I almost instantly thought of Lor. Lor is actually quite in-tune with energy, and has been able to pick up on mine in different scenarios countless times. But lately, we've been talking about an aspect to his personality/energy: a side of himself he refers to as "animalistic." Although he technically doesn't see himself energetically as either male or female, he has a very powerful masculine energy that he carries with him - energy that - surprisingly enough - I resonate with. It's a dominant energy, but not an abusive one, and it resonates with my submissive energy (who would've guessed)?

I'll save this topic for another post, though, since I'm digressing a bit here. Essentially, what I'm trying to say is that I see The God as a metaphor for Lor, because Lor really freaking knows how to get me to express the playful energy of my inner child, even when I'm not always aware of it. So I wonder if perhaps the best way for me to connect to this playful side is to communicate with Lor. Might sound a bit out there, but it makes more sense to me than simply saying, "I need to connect with my masculine side," because my masculine side doesn't really draw on the energies of the inner child. 

I wouldn't say the inner child is entirely feminine, though. I'm assuming it's supposed to be balanced between masculine and feminine, in which case perhaps that initial interpretation was right. But when I reflect on how my playful side is expressed... I wouldn't say it's entirely feminine, either. Sometimes that energy is expressed as overly "cute" and "feminine," but other times it's just plain old "playful," which I feel is the more masculine expression. 

I think both of these interpretations can fly. I'm not going to dwell too much on it, because connecting with my inner child is hardly an issue for me. If anything, it's just interesting to think about, because I never really sat and contemplated how I express my inner child. 

There's one thing I do know, though: I do need to call upon the strength and certainty of my own masculine energy. That part of me may help tremendously in healing my issues. I've seen more of my feminine side since meeting Lor, which isn't a bad thing, especially since I was secretly trying to stifle my femininity a bit... but yeah. 

Goodness gracious. It's almost 2014. Need to get my thoughts in order for all this manifestation business. Maybe it's time to get out the "magic journal" again...

A Small Message

Well, no friend over today. Turns out she was in an accident late last night - a freaking hit-and-run. She's okay, but a little shaken up and angry. Funny... I kept thinking about that last evening.

Today's card is simply meant to be a personal message. I drew 4 of Water - Bridget, who represents healing in all forms. I enjoy this card - it gives me hope and motivation to tackle and heal my issues. At the same time, it's kind of a gentle but firm reminder that I am healing, and that I need to be in the proper mindset for healing, because what usually happens is that I identify an issue, and maybe talk or think about it for a while, but never really resolve it. It's probably why I got slapped in the face with all this stuff a month and a half ago or so.

Bridget also offers ways I can go about healing: through nature, or by utilizing rituals, which appeals highly to me. I do have a few ideas of how to go about this healing, but it's very difficult to do with my brother around, so I'm going to have to wait until he leaves to be able to do them. Until then, I guess I'll keep thinking and writing about it all. 

Since I have the time and space, I wanted to mention one of the ideas that has been brewing in the back of my mind. In short, I want to start a new blog. This new blog wouldn't replace Tea Time at all; in fact, it'd be more of an information blog, rather than a personal spirituality blog. I want to use this new blog to 1.) delve into more dedicated spirituality again; 2.) help build my intuitive skills; 3.) share this information with others; 4.) attract like-minded individuals or possible future clients; and 5.) potentially make a bit of cash. 

I haven't decided yet what topic to make this blog, though. They say when you blog, you should focus on one highly specific topic, but I have a lot I want to get into. I'm thinking I want it to be something like a mind-body-spirit blog... but that may be too general. I do have other ideas regarding specific topics, but I'd rather keep them to myself for now. 

I do feel like this would be a good way to get myself out there and explore again. Who knows what opportunities it could bring?
 

Maiden of Fire

Bah. Is it the 6th yet? Nope... Still got a week and a half until I'm free from my brother's pestering. At least he's leaving tomorrow to spend a night at a friend's house.

Funny, because I tried to be more optimistic about him being here. I really did. But it's hard to be optimistic - especially as an introvert - when all you hear is him bragging or lecturing.. almost non-stop. The only way to find peace, it seems, is to put your foot down and make it clear that you're annoyed with him. Of course, he takes incredible offense to this, because I'm sure he believes everyone should be latching on to his every word, but man... that kid loves to hear himself talk. 

To make things a little worse, I just found out last night that Lor is away from home for a week and forgot his laptop when he was packing. So now we have to resort to texting only (I can't call him with a nosy mom and brother around), which is more of a hassle, but... better than nothing. So I'm a little sad that I have a lack of him. I'll survive, though. Maybe this is a chance to step back and breathe a little - to reflect on what's been going on between us.

Anyway, today's draw is for Birth of Freyja, so I get to focus on love, luck, creative expression, and female wisdom. I drew Maiden of Fire, which is incredibly relevant, I think. The Maiden of Fire holds a spark of inspiration - the gift of light. She conveys divine inspiration and even something a bit more personal for me: love. As cheesy as it may sound, I feel a lot more light in my life since meeting Lor. I'm generally happier, I'm more motivated/enthusiastic about getting myself out there, and I'm more determined to heal my issues. The Maiden is warm - she's at peace. She feels safe knowing that she has the light to guide her way.

There are a lot of things I've been meaning to blog about, but I think I'll save most of those things for later, when I don't have the brother lurking and pestering. 

For now, I should probably tidy up a bit since I have a friend coming over tonight.

Attending to Family

by Rafael Sarmento

On a bit of a high this morning. It's crazy how well Lor and I resonate with each other. As long as I keep reminding myself that our moments of pain are only caused by our fears and insecurities, and not anything that we've actually done, things should progress smoothly from here on out. A few bumps in the road, I'm sure, but at least I'll actually have the experience to deal with them and not simply mope over them. 

Today's draw is for Feast of Mothers, but get this: I drew Book of Shadows again. Except this time, I'm reflecting on how I can best attend to family or express my protective energies. I instantly think of the whole "beliefs practiced in life" interpretation again. It would make sense, anyway. My only problem is: I've struggled with family over the years. When you're an introvert in a family as large as my mom's (that's the only side of the family we really ever see; my dad's side keeps to themselves on the other side of the country), you don't really play well with others for too long. Add the fact that probably 98% of my mom's family is Christian (and not as open-minded as I would like them to be), and - well - I think you get the idea. It just never works. I feel like I can never be my true self around any of my family members - not even my own parents and brother. 

So how does Book of Shadows relate to this? I'm thinking one thing, mainly: beliefs practiced in life. Although it's a big, intimidating step, perhaps what this card is suggesting is that I stop hiding and censoring myself just to make my family comfortable. At the same time, though, I'm afraid of what will happen when I try to tell them who I really am and what I believe and want out of life. I imagine the worst that could happen is that they simply make fun of me or try to make me see "sense." I suppose deep down, there's really nothing wrong with that, because it shouldn't stop me from achieving what I want to achieve. But on the surface, it's such an uncomfortable idea to face, because I'm already sick of what my family has been spewing at me in terms of teasing and lecturing. How would they react when I share with them my life's ambitions? 

It's a lot to think about. But if it's truly what this card is trying to communicate, then it's something I need to start reflecting on, because sooner or later, I'm going to have to tell my family what it is I'm doing with my life. I can't just figure out everything I'm doing with my life in secret and say to them last minute, "Oh, by the way, I'm moving to the west coast tomorrow. See ya." 

I know a lot of this discomfort stems from my fears and insecurities. But a big part of those insecurities is shame. I feel like I've brought shame to my parents because I chose not to pursue that financially secure route and finish art school. I know in my heart there's nothing I can do to influence how they feel, so it's just going to be something I have to forgive and move on from - otherwise I won't be able to live a happy, fulfilling life. 

I'm not the best at attending to family. I'm the best at taking care of those I love. And those I love are those who love, appreciate, respect, and support me in return. Right now, I can think of only a few people who have done all this for me.

But of course, they're all far away.

A Lazy Christmas

"Messiah" - by Rassouli

I just read my Christmas post from last year and cracked up because 60% of it had to do with the Merlin finale. Nice to know I've got my priorities straight.

As the title suggests, this is going to be another lazy, possibly mediocre Christmas. Part of me was tempted to decorate just so that it felt - well - a little more like Yule, but I just wasn't in the mood to drag out those huge boxes of decorations from the garage just to take them all back down and drag them back into the garage a month later. We don't really do anything exciting anymore, other than eat together and maybe buy each other a few gifts. I think I'd be more motivated to do Yule stuff if I were celebrating it alone. It's hard to do anything distinctly "Yule" with a Christian mother in charge of the family get-togethers. Not that we do anything Christian, either.

Anywho, today's card is drawn for the Festival of Life, answering the question: how can I best connect with spirit? This year, I pulled Wheel of the Year, which has always represented cycles, fulfillment, and a sense of wholeness or completeness to me. However, traditionally, the card represents changing fortunes (or change in the air) as well as making progress... taking steps forward. The traditional meanings don't really resonate well with me, so I'm going to refer to my own interpretations mainly. But what is this card really asking me to do in order to connect with spirit? Simply embrace all these things? I kind of do that already. I seem to understand this card intuitively, though. It encourages me to roll with the cycles. Be in tune with nature. Even budget my time wisely, to some degree. There's a bit more to what I'm feeling, but I understand the message enough to not have to dig around and try to find the words. 

I do feel like I'm making solid progress toward connecting with spirit again. I think I'll feel more connected after the New Year - especially after my brother leaves. It's been hard to meditate and work on my intuitive skills and whatnot when I'm holed up in the house with a lonely mother; I keep getting interrupted and visited by her. I'm trying to be optimistic, though, because I know how much it sucks for my mom to not have dad around in person. I hate to think what she'd be like if she were entirely alone in this house. Even though it frustrates me as an introvert seeking solitude and privacy, I'm happy to serve as a bit of company for her. 

I had more to say today, but I'll save it for another post. I will say, though, that things are getting smoothed out between Lor and I. I keep getting little relevant messages throughout my day about how relationships are mirrors and whatnot, so that's joined the list of affirmations I find myself repeating in my head all day long. 

Happy Christmas to those who celebrate!

Renewal

by hoooook @ deviantART

Now that I'm stuffed with sushi, I suppose I should catch up on my posts. Was out doing errands yesterday, among other things, so I didn't have time to sit down and write up my draw for Solstice Light.

The 23rd was for Hopi Time of Renewal, which gives us guidance on how we can best purify and renew ourselves. I drew The Goddess, which I find really interesting, because she represents the divine feminine, and therefore creative energies. It seems whenever I ask a question about how to renew myself, or connect to spirit, I receive the "creativity" answer. I doubt that's just a coincidence. There's clearly something about creativity that is cleansing and intuitive for me, which I do admit amuses me a little, because for years, I've dwelt on how much I don't like my art, and how I don't think I'll ever make anything of it. But since my Artist archetype resides in my ninth house of Spirituality, I think it might benefit me to start incorporating art into my life as a way to heal myself and explore my inner world. 

Today's draw is for Feast of Mothers; it focuses on our ancestors and how we may connect with their wisdom and guidance. Two cards fell out for me: Wisdom (hah) and Mother of Air. The imagery on both of these cards fascinates me a little. Wisdom's illustration is very ritualistic, conveying intense devotion to the spiritual through the use of intuition and rituals. The Mother of Air is positioned in the clouds - the heavens, or the high mental planes - and is surrounded by thick books. Instantly, I think of rituals and study, which I find highly appealing. Traditionally, Wisdom encourages me to combine my intelligence & intuition, but also to seek the whole truth. Mother of Air builds bridges between worlds, and puts an emphasis on communicating effectively, as well as gaining empowerment through language. All of these things are very empowering and inspiring for me. I'll have to reflect on it all as I return to a state of spiritual living again. 

In other news... things have been starting to get a bit chaotic between Lor and I. Sunday night, he admitted something to me that was closely related to the fears I've been having regarding his past partners. It crushed me - it crushed us. There was a lot of pain that night: lots of anxiety, and worry, and suffering. I came really close to just giving up and torching the whole thing to prevent myself from more of this self-torture. But I couldn't. I have to keep trying. I refuse for things to end simply because of miscommunication and misinterpretation, which was pretty much what happened that night. Lor has been nothing but kind and patient and loyal to me, even if my fears and insecurities and inner Saboteur believe otherwise. I know this whole thing is one big lesson on trust, and I intend on seeing it through.

I'm still having trouble, though. I spend a lot of time giving myself affirmations and trying to think and write through my issues to figure out the source and resolve it. Lor keeps saying he'll help me - that we'll figure it out together, but in all honesty, he hasn't been helping all that much. I was going to be sad about that, too, until I realized there's really nothing he can do but offer support. Of course, that support feels feeble when things are long-distance, but unless he tries to talk me through it, all he can do is offer support and be patient until I heal things myself. I can't expect him to resolve my issues, after all. 

Recently, I also made the realization that I'm becoming quite dependent on him. That may be a dynamic of our relationship, but when things are long-distance, it's hard for him to provide all that I need. He'll be back in school before long, which means I'll be seeing less of him after New Year's. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle that. There's a part of me that's so desperate to see him and have that face-to-face contact that it's looking for life opportunities around his area a few states over. After all, he won't be getting his own place anytime soon; he's still got a few years of schooling to go through. It's not like I can sit around and wait for him to finish school so that I can go and live with him. And as much as I don't like to think about it, we may not even be together that long. 

Crazy stuff, I tell you. I'm just grateful that I have the resources and understanding to take the time to learn from all this and really experience it. I was afraid I would become so fearful of commitment that I would push him away and insist on remaining friends, but the fact that I welcomed him in and became adventurous enough to try a relationship... well, it's a pretty big step for me. 

And I'm proud of myself for that. 

Blocks & Resistance

by jialu @ deviantART

Today's draw is for Time of Beth, where we focus on inner blocks and resistances holding us back. I drew the Book of Shadows, which I find a little surprising. Since there's not much to glean from the image, I have to reflect on what the Book of Shadows is, and how it's used. Some would say the BoS is a personal book of magic and self-exploration. Not only does it house information about your practices, it can serve as a journal of sorts... and it houses all the spells to which you're drawn. So in that way, it represents research, knowledge, tradition, understanding, and beliefs practiced in life. When I reflect on what this means for my blocks and resistances, I wonder if perhaps this card is primarily playing on the latter: beliefs practiced in life. There have been many beliefs/theories/feelings I've talked about in this blog that I admit I haven't yet incorporated or projected into my life - not because I'm deceiving myself or others, really. It mainly has to do with laziness and a feeling of not being "ready" to practice such beliefs. One example I think of is the whole situation on trying to create art from the heart without worrying about skill or competition. I keep telling myself I'll do it, but I haven't done that yet. 

There are plenty of other examples, but I won't bother trying to dig them all up. I have to admit I wasn't quite expecting this to be my answer. I thought there would be something different - something deeper in my psyche that I wouldn't be aware of... like my insecurities. But perhaps this is equally important. I can't expect to make much forward progress if I don't live the life I'm crafting through all my words and "spells." I need to start practicing those beliefs. Maybe then I'll start seeing some profound changes in my life.

In other news, I had a bit of an interesting night with Lor. Brother was away at a party from seven to midnight, so I had plenty of time to talk with him undisturbed (for the most part... mom was still here). However, despite my excitement to have a few hours alone with him, there ended up being an emergency on his end. I don't think I'll specify what that emergency was, but it really allowed me to connect with him on a different level. I saw a new facet to his character. And even though I was a teensy bit annoyed at the universe for "ruining" this long night, I'm very happy I got to experience it. In the end, the emergency was resolved with good news, and I'm pretty sure we're closer as a result. So thanks for that, universe.

As I told him last night, there's a miniscule part of me that still fears, though. It fears that this is all a charade, or a trap. It's just so unreal to me: to have someone find and fall in love with me, of all people. My gut isn't threatened by him, so I'm pretty sure he's exactly who he says he is (he's opened his soul up to me quite a bit), but there's still that tiny fear wondering, "What if he's lying? What if he's just a really patient stalker or sex offender or something? What if he's really good at sweet-talking women, and telling them exactly what they want to hear?" 

A much larger part of myself thinks this is ridiculous, though. I've intuitively studied his responses and even watched for any warning signs, such as intrusive questions or him trying to persuade me to do certain uncomfortable things, but so far, I've been given no reason to believe he's malevolent, or not telling the truth. This is for real. And perhaps one of the many challenges here is to overcome that fear and learn to trust people again. 

..Now let's see if I can weasel in a reading today before brother wakes up.

Solstice Night

"The Winter Buddha" - by kancano @ deviantART

Drizzly, overcast, and a bit foggy today - but not too cold. A somewhat appropriate first day of winter, I think. 

Brother arrived at around 10:30 last night, which was a little frustrating because I was trying to get in some talk time with Lor. Poor guy had to wait for almost an hour before I could sit down undisturbed and talk with him. I should have the solitude to talk with him again this evening, since my brother will be out at a party with his friends. But after that, it's going to be quite a challenge, unless I sacrifice an hour or two of sleep every night, which I'm more than happy to do for him.

While I'm on topic, I did manage to talk to him about my insecurities and jealousy over his past partners. I just felt so bad because I can feel that he honestly wishes I was his first partner. He was supportive and encouraging as I just blurted out all the pain I was feeling, and when I was finished, he gave me his affection and promised we would work on this together. I know in my heart this is silly and that I shouldn't be wallowing in his past. I'm still trying to figure out what the source of this issue is and how to resolve it. I'm thinking it has more to do with self-esteem and acceptance... I don't feel secure with myself; I don't think highly enough of myself to trust that Lor loves me as much as he's been telling me, and so I assume that he thinks of his past partners and all the good times he's had with them. 

..Ah, crap. There I go again...

Anyway.. today's Solstice Light draw is for Yule, of course. Funnily enough, I drew Ostara. Today is supposed to reflect on how I can best connect with the light within and without. For me, this revolves around around creativity or fertility, or bringing new energies into my life. I find this interesting, since my Artist archetype resides in my ninth house of Spirituality. I wonder if there are some parallels here that are trying to be expressed. Perhaps this is a reminder to work honestly, with an open heart. I can roll with that. It all makes sense on that intuitive level.

I should be getting back into artsy things with the new year. It's hard to do that with the holidays, and I've been working my intuitive skills up again. I started Solstice Light readings for others yesterday, and found myself spending almost the entire day drawing cards and writing up interpretations. I can't do that for 12 days straight. I've got a dozen people to draw cards for, so I'm going to have to draw more than one at a time, I think. 

Doesn't help that I've been distracted. I should have put a specific number of slots - 6 people would have been far less tiring. Oh, well. I wouldn't mind it so much if I lived alone and didn't have to worry about a nosy mother and brother intruding into my room to see what I'm doing. Rushing to hide my cards every time I hear what sounds like someone coming up the stairs makes the whole process much longer than it needs to be. 

You might wonder, "Why hide them?" Well, I wouldn't mind my brother knowing about them, although I know he'd probably tease me or ask really stupid questions about why I have them. It's mainly my Christian mother I'm worried about. I'm not sure what she thinks about tarot - I suspect those views are similar to her ones about mediumship. If that's the case, I'd rather not deal with that - not when I'm locked up alone in the house with her. 

I should probably get a move on and try to draw some cards for people while my brother is still asleep... though knowing my luck, he's going to get up as soon as I do.

Happy Yule! 

Edit: Yep. I was right. I bring out a deck to start a reading for someone, and he wakes up... lovely. 

Solstice Light, 2013

"Awake" - by Laura Sava

Can't believe it's winter tomorrow already. I guess that's what happens when you spend half the year not really doing anything with your life. 

Brother's due to arrive late tonight. He'll be here until the 6th of next month, which I'm not totally psyched for; however I'm going to try to be more optimistic this time. It's just going to be tough, though, because I won't have much privacy to do the things I wanted to do over the next few weeks: specifically the Solstice Light readings I'm offering on SF, and chatting with Lor. I'm not ready to tell anyone about Lor, so it's going to be hard to prevent my brother from finding out about us. If he does find out, or I'm reduced to telling him, then I just have to beg him not to tell my mother, because the last thing I need right now is her pestering me about this. 

Maybe he'll be able to install GW2 on my dad's computer and will spend most of his time downstairs.

I've decided to do Solstice Light readings again - for myself and for others. This is the 12-day reading I did for myself last year to help me organize my energies for 2014, and clear some stuff from 2013. It begins today, the Mother Night of Dreams, which encourages us to look for a particular message in our dreams tonight. I'm using my Book of Shadows deck.

I drew Six of Water - Sarasvati. She represents wisdom, culture, grace, and creative expression, as well as the ability to understand ourselves. What particularly caught my attention was her inverse meaning (she did pop up reversed): refusing to connect with someone who is trying to establish common ground. This is somewhat relevant to Lor and I, but I'll get to that in a moment.

I haven't been remembering many of my dreams at all as of late. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and I fall asleep late at night (or early in the morning - however you want to see it), so I'm just too darned tired to remember most of my dreams. I don't expect to wake up tomorrow remembering one, so I'll just accept this card as a personal message without worrying about the dream part.

Now.. about the common ground thing: my struggles in my relationship with Lor are a little inappropriate to discuss on this blog, but the general issue revolves around my insecurities and fears. I'm brand new to relationships, but Lor isn't. He's had past partners - even a fiancée not so long ago. There's a little more to the story than just, "it upsets me that he's had past partners," but that's essentially the gist of it. I find myself feeling jealous and insecure. It's hard to say whether he's moved on from these past partners - especially that fiancée - so I keep torturing myself with images of him with these women. 

I know I'm causing myself unnecessary pain here. It's the past; he can't change who he was with, even if he tells me he wishes desperately that I was his first partner. I haven't yet asked him whether he still thinks or even longs for these women. But this is the second time these feelings have bubbled up in our time together, and I'm having a bit of difficulty pinpointing their exact source. A big part of me (Lover or Guide, perhaps?) encourages me forward, saying, "Trust him, build a future together, stop wallowing in his past," but the Victim in me is hurt enough to resist, and insists on feeling victimized: "He probably still loves these women. I'm going to end up another plaything for him."

Like I said, though: there's more to the story than simply jealousy over his past flames. It's just not something I'm going to discuss here. Still, I need to find the issue here and resolve it, because this is just going to keep happening, and I don't want to ruin things between us simply because I can't bear the thought of him having partners in the past. 

Anyone know how to deal with this? My emotions are a little muddled to be able to intuit things clearly. I don't know if this is a trust issue, or a simple matter of insecurity. But if anyone has experienced this and knows a way I could resolve and heal these feelings, please let me know. 

For now, I've got readings to do, food to make, and a bathroom to clean.    

Diet Troubles

It's a little tiring to live with a parent who obsesses so much over diet. My mom has been struggling to find a diet that best suits her. First, she tried low-cal. When that didn't work, she tried mixing up her calorie intake. When she struggled with that, she started reading about eating naturally, and switched to a low-carb, protein/vegetable diet. She was hooked on that for a while, but then she started reading about eating only plant-based foods. That's where she's at currently. 

The reason I say it's tiring is because I have to shop around her needs. She doesn't make meals for anyone other than herself anymore; she simply buys what she wants and lets me buy what I want. I've tried to mirror her to make things simpler, and because I figured it would help me eat better, too, but it's just led to a bunch of dietary confusion. I have decided one thing, though: a plant-based diet is probably the best for anyone.

But there are a few problems with that, which I know I've talked about before: eating vegetables. It's not that I dislike vegetables... I just grow tired of them very quickly, and it gets hard to eat them continuously. We go to the farmer's market now, so we get all the good organic stuff, but eating raw vegetables every day is quite a challenge for me - not just because of flavor, but because they just don't fill me. I pretty much snack throughout the day. I have some carbs in the morning (a croissant or bagel), then a small meal around lunch (usually a protein & vegetable like tilapia and cooked spinach), followed by tea and a square of dark chocolate. For the rest of the evening, I simply snack on whatever I'm in the mood for: a cup of miso soup, some fruit (usually berries or dried apricots), a muffin, maybe some carrots if I'm actually wanting them, or whatever else I have on hand. In the evening, though, I tend to get very hungry quite fast; I'll snack on something and find my stomach rumbling an hour later. 

It's not like I can just buy a bunch of raw vegetables and eat them day in and day out. I'd end up like my mom: sick of vegetables. I doubt we'd have room for that in the fridge, anyway. I've tried my mindful eating technique, but sometimes it just doesn't work. 

Even if I am consuming some sugars, I know my diet could be worse. I could be eating fast food, or more processed junk. In fact, when I was mirroring my mom's low-carb diet, I was eating a lot of deli meats. And it was funny to me when my mom got into her current plant-based diet and said, "Those deli meats aren't good for you," when she was the one who got me eating them in the first place (they were the more expensive Boar's Head meats - not the cheaper brands you can just pick up in the deli aisle). I was also eating rotisserie chicken, tilapia, and stir-fries with spinach, bok choy, tofu, mushrooms, bamboo shoots, and a couple other tasty things. But after weeks and weeks of eating the same thing, I soon grew tired of those stir-fries - and mom started her plant-based diet. 

I feel like I should just keep eating the way I do. It's getting frustrating trying to find decent things to eat that are actually filling and don't require me to get up every half hour to hour with a growling stomach. Perhaps I should nose around the interwebs for some meal/snack ideas.

Man, diet shouldn't be this hard. Some light meats, vegetables, and fruits, with teensy bits of carbs (bread, sweets) on the side. Maybe small amounts of dairy if I ever want it. It works for me. I don't have the willpower and metabolism of my mom, who can eat a small salad and be satisfied. Maybe things will change as I get older. For now, though, I don't see anything wrong with what I eat. 

I just need to try and eat more of those veggies... 

2013: Introspection & Adventure

"Contemplation" - by Alex Grey

Ah, 2013: year of the Pisces. I was really supposed to shine this year, but when I reflect on these past 12 months, I didn't feel like I accomplished all that much. Or maybe I did, but I'm not giving myself enough credit. It's hard to say. I feel like the year was split in two halves: art school misery and post-art school misery. 

The first half was pretty self-explanatory. I was completing the last two quarters of sophomore year, but was struggling intensely with feelings of depression, gloom, bitterness, anger, and exhaustion as I realized how out-of-place I felt sitting in class learning the skills necessary for a corporate art career. I can't say I was very adventurous during this time, although I went through cycles of gloom and inspiration. I mourned my lack of spiritual connection, though I kept trying to get myself back into that domain. Most of my posts were centered around my need to vent and complain and talk through these painful feelings. 

As spring drew nearer, I started to feel happier. Sunshine and warm weather tends to do that to me, but I was so psyched to finish spring quarter. Unfortunately, this was also the time when I started seriously thinking about art school versus my dreams. I decided for myself that I would pursue those dreams, and almost immediately, began feeling the fears and frustrations associated with that decision. I experienced highs and lows as I started having various talks with my parents. At the same time, though, I was starting to delve back into spirit and philosophy, and examining the idea of unique, individual perspectives. I even was guided to start contemplating/utilizing the "Dream" tool for various readings. 

Things started to line up quite a bit. I was introduced to handful of potential opportunities regarding my interests. I received that enlightening archetype reading. I began exploring myself in-depth through more readings and meditations. I began using the Dream tool in actual readings, and found it incredibly accurate and useful. I had "the talk" with my dad. 

And then May 30th came along: the last day of spring quarter. After that day, I felt so liberated. June was a month of self-exploration. I felt free and hopeful. I ventured into my inner worlds and those of others, and experienced some really nifty stuff. But then, toward the end of June, everything came to a standstill, and I was guided away from spirit. I instead wanted to play hours and hours of GW2, which was really nice, until the day came when I was reminded I had to figure out what to do with my life. 

Past experiences and feelings started coming up again: stress, agitation, gloominess, anxiety. I kept playing GW2, trying to hide from having to make such serious decisions (after all, I was still clueless), but then life - or spirit - finally sat me down and said, "You're dealing with your issues now." I realized that I had never really resolved my insecurities and fears - only buried them deep and pretended I had already healed them. 

This went on into September, October, and November. I was still playing GW, but that didn't stop the flow of energies in my life. Because I was always at home, and behind GW, my issues became centered around my social life in-game. It was as though spirit said, "You can't hide from your issues in a fantasy world. If you refuse to face them in waking life, we'll have you face these issues in your place of safety." I was forced to face the insecurities I had convinced myself I had healed. The people and friends I met with regularly in-game helped me face these fears and insecurities. I experienced a fair bit of drama as a result, but in the end, I think I finally - well - learned my lesson. 

I haven't entirely absorbed that lesson, though. I'm still trying to heal and forgive. But this whole situation brought me to wonder again: is learning "lessons" really part of the reason we're here? I had felt resistance to that idea for many months, but I'm wondering if I'm being led toward that initial understanding again. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

The biggest - and most recent - influence on my fears and insecurities has been my partner, who I'll refer to as Lor. I met him around September, I believe, in-game. At the time, I just knew him as my friend's brother, but I was charmed by him somehow. He had a presence that I was drawn to very early on; however, I noticed he was always hanging around with this one female friend of his, so I assumed she was his girlfriend. I was pretty happy just hanging out with him, but a secret part of me was a little jealous of that girl. After all, he told me she was the one who kept him playing GW.

Lor shared a love of roleplay, as well, so we often did guild and private RP together. We also seemed to have mutual interests when it came to RP, and we soon became pretty good friends. He became a source of inspiration and encouragement for me. 

Before I knew it, Lor was treating me... differently. He started talking to me a lot more often, and starting saying things that made it obvious he liked me more than a gaming/RP buddy. I wasn't sure how to handle this, because I had made it clear to myself that I had no intention of being in a relationship - and I definitely didn't want to be in a long-distance one, because I saw it ending very quickly. But something strange happened: I couldn't deny him. I couldn't deny this source of inspiration, love, and encouragement. He genuinely seemed to like me for who I was. My fears and insecurities went nuts, of course, and tried to convince me he was malevolent, and that I was making a huge mistake by letting him in. But the next thing I knew, I was his partner. He never asked me outright if I wanted to be with him - it was almost as though we both felt the question was unnecessary. 

So far, I haven't regretted it one bit. Lor is helping me tremendously with these fears and insecurities. The only thing I worry about is the long-distance aspect. Since he lives in a remote/rural place, he gets crappy internet, so lately it's been difficult to find him in-game or even on skype. I talk to him nightly, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and most evenings, he's too tired to stay long. It's been tough, but I'm trying to hang in there because I know it's worth it - at least for now.

I guess what I'm trying to say with this digression is that meeting Lor and becoming his partner has been one of the highlights of my year; it's probably the most adventurous thing I've done in 2013. After all, I was quite firm about the "no-relationships" thing. But it seems I can't beat fate, if that's what's responsible for our meeting. 

All in all, 2013 could have been a little better, but it needed to happen. I needed that time to reflect and unearth the issues I had tried to bury. If I don't release those issues now, it'll be that much harder to make progress toward my goals. How can I help people if I can't even help myself?

I'm looking forward to what 2014 has to offer. I expect a lot of change, fear, and instability, but if my reading was any indication, there's plenty of passion and abundance supporting me. 

It's time for a new chapter.  

2014 Outlook, part 2

In my previous post, I outlined the themes of each month of 2014 for myself, to determine where to align my energies in accordance with my highest good. In this post, I'm delving into the various areas of my life to determine the same thing. I'm using the Psychic Tarot Oracle again.

Ambition: Firm Foundation. Seems like my sense of ambition will continue being as solid as it is today. This could also suggest that progress will finally begin, now that things are "sturdy" enough. Whatever the case, I can relax a bit knowing that all I need to do is keep believing in my ambitions, because for me, this card says I'm right on track.

Creativity: Heart Chakra. This kind of surprised me, but its message is clear: I need to work from a place of compassion. Seriously. I need to stop worrying about the financial aspects, or not being "good enough," or the competition of the psychic industry. I just need to take my career one client at a time, open my heart to them, and honestly help them through whatever they need help with. On a more personal note, I need to work on my own creative projects with an open heart, as well. I need to stop judging myself and my work, and create things honestly without obsessing over skill. Work out of love in all things.

Health: New Beginnings. I'm not exactly sure how these two relate to each other. It's not as though I've been having health problems, so I think perhaps what this card is suggesting I focus on is a new way of approaching my health. I really need to incorporate some sort of exercise in my day, and I also need to get outside more and eat more plant-based foods (a post on my current diet is to be expected in the near future). I think a mix of these things will help me out tremendously during the year as I work through my issues and changes. 

Money: Harmony. A little baffling, since the image emphasizes harmony in relationships more than anything else. It also appeared in reverse, although I don't read reverse anymore. With that in mind, I'm just going to assume that money won't be too big of a problem this year. Maybe some minor issues as I try to get settled, but otherwise, nothing I can't handle. 

Emotions: Material & Spiritual Prosperity. Well, wow. There's definitely a sense of well-being & contentment with this card. I need to align myself with these feelings and remind myself to focus on abundance/prosperity in all forms. I'm being looked after this year, and this card reassures me that I'll have more than enough to do what I need to do.

Relationships: Sacrifice. It's funny how eager I was to know the outcome of this card now that I'm actually in a relationship. I think it's a bit impatient to want to know the future of a relationship, but... it's kind of hard to not want that. We don't want to get hurt, after all. Of course, it's also presumptuous of me to assume Sacrifice refers to my current partner. What a devilish card, though. What sacrifice will I have to make? Who will that sacrifice be for? Or is this card simply telling me that sacrifice in relationships is something I'll have to learn how to do (perhaps relating to an event I can anticipate)? Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Mind: Universe. What a powerful card. It's almost too vast to determine what it means for me in 2014. I don't want to say things like, "My awareness will be greatly increased," or "I'll feel more unity," but... those are the impressions I get from this card. Perhaps I will resonate more with the sense of existing, or being, in this universe. Perhaps I will finally find truth that sticks with me through all things. It's hard to say with such a vast card. Maybe all I need to know is that I need to see things from a much bigger perspective, and to remember that there's so much more to a situation than meets the eye.

Struggles: Intuition. I was expecting something a bit more concrete, but I'm actually not surprised with this outcome. One of my biggest struggles this past year has been the battle between rationality and intuition, and it looks like the same thing will be carried on into next year, which makes sense, seeing as I will be in a state of transition and will be relying on my intuition to guide the way. 

Recurring Energies from 2013: Discontent & Boredom. This is certainly reassuring. I'm actually a bit confused now, seeing how the rest of my reading/outlook has put such an emphasis on following my passions, making transitions, and receiving abundance. However, this is an emotional card, and I think the book puts more of an emphasis on discontentment and boredom in relationships, which I do admit I've struggled with over the past year, as well. Maintaining relationships and friendships seems almost like a chore now, even though I don't intend it to be. So that's the meaning I'll glean for myself here.

New Energies Manifesting for 2014: Fulfillment of Wishes. This card again! How lovely! This is so exciting to hear. I can't wait to see what kinds of wishes will be granted. I just need to get my head into manifestation mode and wait to find out. 

Numerology for this part of the reading: 4, representing stability, structure, realization and planning. That's a bit of a comfort, seeing how I expect a lot of instability with all these changes. 

So there I have it. A year of beginnings, ends, and changes awaits me. I'm going to use the rest of December to relax and recuperate, and when January comes, it'll be straight to business (or almost straight to business... at least after my brother leaves). 

I can do this. 

2014 Outlook, part 1

It's that time of year again... 

I broke out my Psychic Tarot Oracle to give myself a light overview of 2014. Of course, I don't do these readings to anticipate what will happen in my future; I simply ask spirit to give me a "theme" to focus on for each month so that I can make the most out of each year. My outlook for 2013 was pretty accurate, and gave me just enough to know where to concentrate my energy in alignment with the forces at work in my life. I'm hoping to do the same for 2014. 

I'm dividing this reading in two parts: the first part simply outlining the "theme" of each month, and the second part delving into more specific areas, such as finance, relationships, career, spiritual development, and so on. 

So for the first part...

January: Fulfillment of Wishes. I was so happy to see this card at the start of my year. I've been going through so much inner/emotional turmoil and stress that it was just so relieving to see that I'll have a chance to have some of my wishes and dreams fulfilled. What this means is: I need to align my energies toward manifestation this month. I need to concentrate on what I really want and express the energy to make it happen, because the universe has my back. 

February: Prosperity Begins. I was delighted to see this come up next! This is a physical card that obviously promises some sort of material abundance. I need to keep focusing on manifestation throughout February in order to make the most out of it, and start tending those seeds I'm planting. 

March: Patience  & Planning. Another physical card that urges me to take the time to ensure I take the necessary steps toward creating the next phase of my life. This will probably be the month I start the process of dropping out of art school, so I need to remember to be patient and do my research to make sure the process goes as smoothly as possible. This card also reminds me to take care of those seeds. 

April: Solitude. This card is a bit too general to glean any specific meaning from, but I think it's enough to remind myself that the theme of April is solitude. It'll probably make more sense to me when April comes around. I need to take the time to look inward and perhaps explore myself a bit more. Who knows? Perhaps this also indicates the month when I move out or start becoming more independent. 

May: Rejoice in Celebration. Another heartwarming emotional card that is as clear as it gets. May is a time of celebration for me. I obviously can't say what I'll be celebrating, but when the time comes, I need to remember to immerse myself in the experience, because it sounds like something big.

June: Sacral Chakra. Seems like I'm going to be working on creativity and sexuality this month. Not much else to glean from this. All I can do is remember to focus on these energies; it could be in the form of creativity/career, or maybe even a relationship... hm. Will have to wait and see.

July: Crown Chakra. Two chakra cards back-to-back... how interesting. Seems like July will be centered around higher consciousness and spirituality. Sounds exciting. I wonder if this is related to the events of June - maybe a progression or evolution of sorts. 

August: Awareness. Yep. Seems like a progression of sorts. A series of events/experiences that open me up to awareness and clarity? This looks more like a month of observation than action... yet the card speaks so much more than that - almost like an awakening, or opening up to a greater state of being. 

September: Intuition. Like a few other cards, a big general, since I use my intuition all the time. I guess I'm assuming something going on this month will require some serious intuitive work. Could be "big stuff" occurring that will result in a battle between logic/rationality and intuition. That's the impression I get, anyway. 

October: Memories of Love. Looks like I may be getting a little nostalgic this month. Someone from my past may resurface and the feelings I receive from this "reunion" will probably encourage me to reflect on how my emotional life is. I need to remind myself to remain in balance emotionally.

November: Material Harvest. Ah. There it is. So the seeds I planted in the beginning of the year will have fruit for the taking late in the year. Already, I'm anticipating those "lessons" of faith and trust.. having to deal with my parents and convince them I'll be well off - trying to trust that I will be abundant at the right time. What's interesting is that this material abundance occurs right around the time my parents will be preparing to move overseas - assuming, of course, that that still happens. We still have no idea. But it's comforting to know that I'll have abundance in some form this year. 

December: Passion Ignited. I get the feeling this is closely tied with Material Harvest, but dang, what a lovely card to end the year with. There's such an ecstasy associated with this image that really reassures me that I'll truly find and live my passions. Yes, I have to work through the nasty/tedious/scary stuff first, but it's clear that this beautiful light is at the end of the tunnel, and now that I know it's there, I'm that much more eager to work on my issues so that I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of. 

Now for the numerology of this reading... 9 and 1 came up the most, with 9 representing completion, endings, transition, and accomplishment, and 1 representing self, unity, beginnings, willpower, courage, and initiation. Beginnings and ends... isn't that fascinating? It's also completely accurate. I expect 2014 to be a year of many transitions and lots of self-work. The ends will be based around me leaving an old chapter of my life: going to art school, being dependent on my parents. The beginnings will be based on me starting a new chapter: being independent, learning to thrive in this society, and working toward my passions. 

I kept saying the theme of 2013 for me was adventure. Although I do feel I could've been a lot more adventurous, I have no regrets for this year. I did what I felt I needed to do. I went to school for the first half of the year, and then spent time at home to reflect on myself for the second half. I'm going to write up a 2013 reflection after my second reading post so I can have a better idea of what I accomplished... but looking ahead, I feel the theme of 2014 is, as the cards suggest, transition. Transition will lead to many changes, and therefore many fears, but I have to remind myself that I'm strong, and devoted, and eager to live the life I'm here to live. I can handle whatever comes my way.    

House 12 - Monk

House 12 - The Unconscious

Last, but not least... House 12. I think this is the house that is most abstract, or obscure. It can be tricky to figure out how your archetype works in the "unconscious," but already, I'm starting to see the connections between it and my Monk archetype.

I chose Monk as one of my personal 8 not only because that kind lady from before identified it in her reading, but because I truly resonate with it. I think it's a little obvious given all the posts I make about the mysteries of spirit. Myss describes Monk as one who pursues spiritual intensity, devotion, dedication, and perhaps wisdom - who devotes himself to a spiritual path or to any great achievement that requires intense focus. In Shadow, Monk may take on the role of a religious recluse or seem overly pious. 

I don't consider my Monk to be Western or Eastern, really. When I look at my Monk, I see someone who strives to delve into the mysteries of life and spirit, and who seeks peace and quiet in a world full of noise. This is probably why House 12 is such a good fit for it.

Myss describes House 12 as the house that rules the unconscious mind and our innermost fears. She writes, "The energetic nature of this house pushes our underground images into our mind through every available portal: dreams, conversations, synchronistic encounters, any means that provide an opportunity to see a fragment of our Contract in action. Your intuitive abilities are part of the energy of this house. The Shadow side of the twelfth house can feel very much like a gothic chamber of horrors precisely because it is so closely linked to the numerous fragments of our psyche. Many of our addictions and compulsions are rooted in our deepest fears of being abandoned, which thrive in the shadow of this house."

The peculiar thing is, it's hard for me to connect Monk to the "junk" of this house. And by "junk," I mean the horror show of fears and addictions. Myss' description of Monk seems to be based on the Western image, so she doesn't really describe the Shadow side in any other way than the "religious recluse" or the one who feels he should be so privileged that he doesn't need to care about earning a living. I guess that just means I need to reflect on my own Monk and determine the Shadow aspects appropriate for it. From there, I can connect the dots between Monk and my fears/addictions. 

Now that I've cast my archetypal wheel and gotten to know the alignments, it's time to sit down and start looking at these archetypes more in-depth to see how they influence my life. I also need to examine which archetypes are in Shadow, and figure out how to return them to Light so that they may best serve me. I won't do that here in this blog, although I will probably bring up my archetypes again at a later time as I make more sense of it all. 

I can say one thing for certain: Monk is definitely pushing me back toward the mysteries of spirit!

House 11 - Prostitute

"Serpentarium" - by Patricia Ariel

House 11 - Relationship to the World

Here we are at the last survival archetype: Prostitute. I'm not surprised it surfaced in House 11, and this is why...

Myss describes the eleventh house as the one which rules your relationship to the external world and your ideas about the outer sphere. "Your viewpoint about life in general is connected to the energy of this house," she writes. "Those sentiments reflect how you see your sense of power operating within the social or global environment. People who are drawn to the paths of service that have global consequences, such as environmental causes, have strong connections to the energy in this house. Optimism or pessimism about the future of humanity is an extension of the spiritual energy of the eleventh house. This house rules how you relate your creativity to humanity. People who are empowered by an attitude that says anything is possible live in an energy field of pure eleventh-house potential. Archetypes in the eleventh house cause us to evaluate how we see our place in the world and how we measure our sense of power."

What has been the issue I've been constantly complaining about? Selling myself in a world centered around money. It makes perfect sense. I've been lamenting my presence here in the 21st century, because I loathe the idea of having to sell myself in order to find a place in the world - in order to sustain myself. Prostitute is responsible for these thoughts and fears. But having the energy of Prostitute in this house isn't necessarily a bad thing; in fact, it reminds me not to put myself in a position where I wouldn't be happy selling myself. That's precisely why I'm going to drop out of school in a few months (once I've had more time to ensure this is what I need to do), and precisely why I don't want to pursue that icky, corporate, illustrative career. If I'm going to sell myself in some way, I want to be happy doing it, and I want to help people in the process.

Prostitute pushes me to be more than just another number trying to earn a living in this world. And for that reason, and the reasons listed above, I'm grateful I have its energy in this house.

House 10 - Lover

by Alex Grey

House 10 - Highest Potential

House 10 pushes us to be all we can be in both our physical and spiritual lives. According to Myss, our highest potential is "what your Sacred Contract is prompting you to recognize and realize," and the archetype residing in this house is the "entryway into deciphering the choices open to you and the quality of your motivations."

In Shadow, this house prompts us to self-sabotage, or feel doubtful and faithless. "Fear of failure," says Myss, "as well as fear of success and responsibility, characterizes the challenges inherent in this house." This is where our fears of our personal power come into play. 

The archetype in the tenth house indicates how your unconscious organizes your thoughts when you are faced with choices that can lead you into fulfilling your potential. 

Lover. When I first tried picking archetypes months ago, I never considered myself a lover, because I thought it referred primarily to romantic relationships. However, when I read Myss' description of Lover, and thought about my passions and my love for life and culture and people, I realized: duh. That should've been obvious from the start!

It's kind of sweet to me to see that Lover ended up in this house. It's also quite encouraging, as it reminds me that one big advantage I have in this life is passion. My ability to appreciate and love life in all its wonderful and tragic moments really helps me feel more connected to the universe and my sense of being - of existing. At the same time, though, in Shadow, Lover can cause me issues as I strive toward my passions and goals. It may result in obsession, faithlessness, fear of responsibility, or even a lack of rationality when it comes to making big life decisions. 

The great thing about Lover in Highest Potential is that it's constantly reminding me to work toward my passions, and to feel love toward all things. If the love isn't there, it's usually not worth it, and I end up feeling empty or undernourished. 

Deciding whether to pursue my highest potential will probably be one of the biggest challenges of my life, but I feel comfortable knowing that in the meantime, I have a great archetype guiding me in this domain. 

House 9 - Artist

"Breath of Creation" - by Rassouli

House 9 - Spirituality

Kind of an odd place for Artist to land, eh? You would expect Creativity & Good Fortune or Occupation/Health or something. But this still makes sense to me. Not because I consider art to be a very spiritual act; I tend to practice a lot of "creative spirituality," and my views on the divine are often closely linked with those of art. 

It's a bit of a challenge to describe what exactly I mean here, as many of my feelings on this pairing are intuitive. I know in my gut this is "right." It's something I can feel - and even see - better than I can put into words. To me, being an artist isn't just about making beautiful or meaningful things. It's connecting to a most profound aspect of yourself - the Divine - and breathing its energy into something physical and tangible. It's a meditation - a reflection on who you truly are, and what you are truly capable of. The fact that we can draw from the pool of our imaginations and create beautiful, meaningful, or useful things says a lot about our power as Creators. All of us are artists, even if we aren't aware of it. Even if we are guided by fate or free will - or a mixture of both - we appear to have choices, and making those choices is just like choosing where to apply certain colors in a painting. Our lives are masterpieces: works of art, well-written tales, musical compositions, and so on. 

Perhaps this is why I've been so drawn to the idea of the Divine looking to tell stories or create art rather than learn lessons. Of course, you're bound to have themes in these "creative works," but as I delved deeper into the mysteries of spirit, I found myself unwilling to believe that we're here only to learn lessons... like we're children needing to be taught in preparation for... what? Enlightenment?

That's a whole other topic, though. 

In Shadow, this house tends to reflect our spiritual egos, which I know I've had problems with. But that comes from feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I've mentioned all that loads of times, though, so I won't repeat myself. When I think of the Shadow aspect right now, I think of the recent struggles I've had with both spirituality and art. On the spiritual side of things, I've become clueless as to where to channel my energy. I feel like everything I've ever believed in regarding spirit or Adonai has crumbled away, leaving me with only a very basic set of ideas/theories. Still, I get the impression this is all for a reason. This is a "dark night of the soul," pretty much. I'm having what Myss calls a "spiritual crisis" - or, at least, I'm moving away from one. It was hitting hardest before I met my partner. I'm starting to see that sunrise, though. 

Perhaps Adonai - or the Divine - is saying to me, "Don't worry about spiritual 'truths' right now. Just worry about your current struggles. Work on uplifting yourself and experience solid, physical life for a while. After you heal, you will be well-equipped to handle the next chapter of your life." And if that's not the case, then I simply have to trust that my personal truths will find me when they're meant to. 

As for art, it's a similar but different scenario. While I'm still "clueless" about where to channel my creative energy, the main problem I have yet to overcome is my feeling regarding prostitution. I'll probably talk about this a little more in a couple days when I discuss my Prostitute archetype in House 11. In a nutshell, I'm struggling with creating art because I still haven't dropped the "this needs to be awesome so I can pay my bills" mindset. While it's a perfectly reasonable mindset, it's a tremendously limiting one - especially for someone who works intuitively, and considers creating art to be a spiritual experience. This issue is high on my "to-address" list. I'm already thinking of ways to get myself out of this mindset; a lot of it has to do with trust - trust that everything will work out in the end.

But like I said before: this is a topic for another day.