Solstice Night

"The Winter Buddha" - by kancano @ deviantART

Drizzly, overcast, and a bit foggy today - but not too cold. A somewhat appropriate first day of winter, I think. 

Brother arrived at around 10:30 last night, which was a little frustrating because I was trying to get in some talk time with Lor. Poor guy had to wait for almost an hour before I could sit down undisturbed and talk with him. I should have the solitude to talk with him again this evening, since my brother will be out at a party with his friends. But after that, it's going to be quite a challenge, unless I sacrifice an hour or two of sleep every night, which I'm more than happy to do for him.

While I'm on topic, I did manage to talk to him about my insecurities and jealousy over his past partners. I just felt so bad because I can feel that he honestly wishes I was his first partner. He was supportive and encouraging as I just blurted out all the pain I was feeling, and when I was finished, he gave me his affection and promised we would work on this together. I know in my heart this is silly and that I shouldn't be wallowing in his past. I'm still trying to figure out what the source of this issue is and how to resolve it. I'm thinking it has more to do with self-esteem and acceptance... I don't feel secure with myself; I don't think highly enough of myself to trust that Lor loves me as much as he's been telling me, and so I assume that he thinks of his past partners and all the good times he's had with them. 

..Ah, crap. There I go again...

Anyway.. today's Solstice Light draw is for Yule, of course. Funnily enough, I drew Ostara. Today is supposed to reflect on how I can best connect with the light within and without. For me, this revolves around around creativity or fertility, or bringing new energies into my life. I find this interesting, since my Artist archetype resides in my ninth house of Spirituality. I wonder if there are some parallels here that are trying to be expressed. Perhaps this is a reminder to work honestly, with an open heart. I can roll with that. It all makes sense on that intuitive level.

I should be getting back into artsy things with the new year. It's hard to do that with the holidays, and I've been working my intuitive skills up again. I started Solstice Light readings for others yesterday, and found myself spending almost the entire day drawing cards and writing up interpretations. I can't do that for 12 days straight. I've got a dozen people to draw cards for, so I'm going to have to draw more than one at a time, I think. 

Doesn't help that I've been distracted. I should have put a specific number of slots - 6 people would have been far less tiring. Oh, well. I wouldn't mind it so much if I lived alone and didn't have to worry about a nosy mother and brother intruding into my room to see what I'm doing. Rushing to hide my cards every time I hear what sounds like someone coming up the stairs makes the whole process much longer than it needs to be. 

You might wonder, "Why hide them?" Well, I wouldn't mind my brother knowing about them, although I know he'd probably tease me or ask really stupid questions about why I have them. It's mainly my Christian mother I'm worried about. I'm not sure what she thinks about tarot - I suspect those views are similar to her ones about mediumship. If that's the case, I'd rather not deal with that - not when I'm locked up alone in the house with her. 

I should probably get a move on and try to draw some cards for people while my brother is still asleep... though knowing my luck, he's going to get up as soon as I do.

Happy Yule! 

Edit: Yep. I was right. I bring out a deck to start a reading for someone, and he wakes up... lovely.