Renewal

by hoooook @ deviantART

Now that I'm stuffed with sushi, I suppose I should catch up on my posts. Was out doing errands yesterday, among other things, so I didn't have time to sit down and write up my draw for Solstice Light.

The 23rd was for Hopi Time of Renewal, which gives us guidance on how we can best purify and renew ourselves. I drew The Goddess, which I find really interesting, because she represents the divine feminine, and therefore creative energies. It seems whenever I ask a question about how to renew myself, or connect to spirit, I receive the "creativity" answer. I doubt that's just a coincidence. There's clearly something about creativity that is cleansing and intuitive for me, which I do admit amuses me a little, because for years, I've dwelt on how much I don't like my art, and how I don't think I'll ever make anything of it. But since my Artist archetype resides in my ninth house of Spirituality, I think it might benefit me to start incorporating art into my life as a way to heal myself and explore my inner world. 

Today's draw is for Feast of Mothers; it focuses on our ancestors and how we may connect with their wisdom and guidance. Two cards fell out for me: Wisdom (hah) and Mother of Air. The imagery on both of these cards fascinates me a little. Wisdom's illustration is very ritualistic, conveying intense devotion to the spiritual through the use of intuition and rituals. The Mother of Air is positioned in the clouds - the heavens, or the high mental planes - and is surrounded by thick books. Instantly, I think of rituals and study, which I find highly appealing. Traditionally, Wisdom encourages me to combine my intelligence & intuition, but also to seek the whole truth. Mother of Air builds bridges between worlds, and puts an emphasis on communicating effectively, as well as gaining empowerment through language. All of these things are very empowering and inspiring for me. I'll have to reflect on it all as I return to a state of spiritual living again. 

In other news... things have been starting to get a bit chaotic between Lor and I. Sunday night, he admitted something to me that was closely related to the fears I've been having regarding his past partners. It crushed me - it crushed us. There was a lot of pain that night: lots of anxiety, and worry, and suffering. I came really close to just giving up and torching the whole thing to prevent myself from more of this self-torture. But I couldn't. I have to keep trying. I refuse for things to end simply because of miscommunication and misinterpretation, which was pretty much what happened that night. Lor has been nothing but kind and patient and loyal to me, even if my fears and insecurities and inner Saboteur believe otherwise. I know this whole thing is one big lesson on trust, and I intend on seeing it through.

I'm still having trouble, though. I spend a lot of time giving myself affirmations and trying to think and write through my issues to figure out the source and resolve it. Lor keeps saying he'll help me - that we'll figure it out together, but in all honesty, he hasn't been helping all that much. I was going to be sad about that, too, until I realized there's really nothing he can do but offer support. Of course, that support feels feeble when things are long-distance, but unless he tries to talk me through it, all he can do is offer support and be patient until I heal things myself. I can't expect him to resolve my issues, after all. 

Recently, I also made the realization that I'm becoming quite dependent on him. That may be a dynamic of our relationship, but when things are long-distance, it's hard for him to provide all that I need. He'll be back in school before long, which means I'll be seeing less of him after New Year's. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to handle that. There's a part of me that's so desperate to see him and have that face-to-face contact that it's looking for life opportunities around his area a few states over. After all, he won't be getting his own place anytime soon; he's still got a few years of schooling to go through. It's not like I can sit around and wait for him to finish school so that I can go and live with him. And as much as I don't like to think about it, we may not even be together that long. 

Crazy stuff, I tell you. I'm just grateful that I have the resources and understanding to take the time to learn from all this and really experience it. I was afraid I would become so fearful of commitment that I would push him away and insist on remaining friends, but the fact that I welcomed him in and became adventurous enough to try a relationship... well, it's a pretty big step for me. 

And I'm proud of myself for that.