Solstice Light, 2013

"Awake" - by Laura Sava

Can't believe it's winter tomorrow already. I guess that's what happens when you spend half the year not really doing anything with your life. 

Brother's due to arrive late tonight. He'll be here until the 6th of next month, which I'm not totally psyched for; however I'm going to try to be more optimistic this time. It's just going to be tough, though, because I won't have much privacy to do the things I wanted to do over the next few weeks: specifically the Solstice Light readings I'm offering on SF, and chatting with Lor. I'm not ready to tell anyone about Lor, so it's going to be hard to prevent my brother from finding out about us. If he does find out, or I'm reduced to telling him, then I just have to beg him not to tell my mother, because the last thing I need right now is her pestering me about this. 

Maybe he'll be able to install GW2 on my dad's computer and will spend most of his time downstairs.

I've decided to do Solstice Light readings again - for myself and for others. This is the 12-day reading I did for myself last year to help me organize my energies for 2014, and clear some stuff from 2013. It begins today, the Mother Night of Dreams, which encourages us to look for a particular message in our dreams tonight. I'm using my Book of Shadows deck.

I drew Six of Water - Sarasvati. She represents wisdom, culture, grace, and creative expression, as well as the ability to understand ourselves. What particularly caught my attention was her inverse meaning (she did pop up reversed): refusing to connect with someone who is trying to establish common ground. This is somewhat relevant to Lor and I, but I'll get to that in a moment.

I haven't been remembering many of my dreams at all as of late. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and I fall asleep late at night (or early in the morning - however you want to see it), so I'm just too darned tired to remember most of my dreams. I don't expect to wake up tomorrow remembering one, so I'll just accept this card as a personal message without worrying about the dream part.

Now.. about the common ground thing: my struggles in my relationship with Lor are a little inappropriate to discuss on this blog, but the general issue revolves around my insecurities and fears. I'm brand new to relationships, but Lor isn't. He's had past partners - even a fiancée not so long ago. There's a little more to the story than just, "it upsets me that he's had past partners," but that's essentially the gist of it. I find myself feeling jealous and insecure. It's hard to say whether he's moved on from these past partners - especially that fiancée - so I keep torturing myself with images of him with these women. 

I know I'm causing myself unnecessary pain here. It's the past; he can't change who he was with, even if he tells me he wishes desperately that I was his first partner. I haven't yet asked him whether he still thinks or even longs for these women. But this is the second time these feelings have bubbled up in our time together, and I'm having a bit of difficulty pinpointing their exact source. A big part of me (Lover or Guide, perhaps?) encourages me forward, saying, "Trust him, build a future together, stop wallowing in his past," but the Victim in me is hurt enough to resist, and insists on feeling victimized: "He probably still loves these women. I'm going to end up another plaything for him."

Like I said, though: there's more to the story than simply jealousy over his past flames. It's just not something I'm going to discuss here. Still, I need to find the issue here and resolve it, because this is just going to keep happening, and I don't want to ruin things between us simply because I can't bear the thought of him having partners in the past. 

Anyone know how to deal with this? My emotions are a little muddled to be able to intuit things clearly. I don't know if this is a trust issue, or a simple matter of insecurity. But if anyone has experienced this and knows a way I could resolve and heal these feelings, please let me know. 

For now, I've got readings to do, food to make, and a bathroom to clean.