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| "Contemplation" - by Alex Grey |
The first half was pretty self-explanatory. I was completing the last two quarters of sophomore year, but was struggling intensely with feelings of depression, gloom, bitterness, anger, and exhaustion as I realized how out-of-place I felt sitting in class learning the skills necessary for a corporate art career. I can't say I was very adventurous during this time, although I went through cycles of gloom and inspiration. I mourned my lack of spiritual connection, though I kept trying to get myself back into that domain. Most of my posts were centered around my need to vent and complain and talk through these painful feelings.
As spring drew nearer, I started to feel happier. Sunshine and warm weather tends to do that to me, but I was so psyched to finish spring quarter. Unfortunately, this was also the time when I started seriously thinking about art school versus my dreams. I decided for myself that I would pursue those dreams, and almost immediately, began feeling the fears and frustrations associated with that decision. I experienced highs and lows as I started having various talks with my parents. At the same time, though, I was starting to delve back into spirit and philosophy, and examining the idea of unique, individual perspectives. I even was guided to start contemplating/utilizing the "Dream" tool for various readings.
Things started to line up quite a bit. I was introduced to handful of potential opportunities regarding my interests. I received that enlightening archetype reading. I began exploring myself in-depth through more readings and meditations. I began using the Dream tool in actual readings, and found it incredibly accurate and useful. I had "the talk" with my dad.
And then May 30th came along: the last day of spring quarter. After that day, I felt so liberated. June was a month of self-exploration. I felt free and hopeful. I ventured into my inner worlds and those of others, and experienced some really nifty stuff. But then, toward the end of June, everything came to a standstill, and I was guided away from spirit. I instead wanted to play hours and hours of GW2, which was really nice, until the day came when I was reminded I had to figure out what to do with my life.
Past experiences and feelings started coming up again: stress, agitation, gloominess, anxiety. I kept playing GW2, trying to hide from having to make such serious decisions (after all, I was still clueless), but then life - or spirit - finally sat me down and said, "You're dealing with your issues now." I realized that I had never really resolved my insecurities and fears - only buried them deep and pretended I had already healed them.
This went on into September, October, and November. I was still playing GW, but that didn't stop the flow of energies in my life. Because I was always at home, and behind GW, my issues became centered around my social life in-game. It was as though spirit said, "You can't hide from your issues in a fantasy world. If you refuse to face them in waking life, we'll have you face these issues in your place of safety." I was forced to face the insecurities I had convinced myself I had healed. The people and friends I met with regularly in-game helped me face these fears and insecurities. I experienced a fair bit of drama as a result, but in the end, I think I finally - well - learned my lesson.
I haven't entirely absorbed that lesson, though. I'm still trying to heal and forgive. But this whole situation brought me to wonder again: is learning "lessons" really part of the reason we're here? I had felt resistance to that idea for many months, but I'm wondering if I'm being led toward that initial understanding again. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
The biggest - and most recent - influence on my fears and insecurities has been my partner, who I'll refer to as Lor. I met him around September, I believe, in-game. At the time, I just knew him as my friend's brother, but I was charmed by him somehow. He had a presence that I was drawn to very early on; however, I noticed he was always hanging around with this one female friend of his, so I assumed she was his girlfriend. I was pretty happy just hanging out with him, but a secret part of me was a little jealous of that girl. After all, he told me she was the one who kept him playing GW.
Lor shared a love of roleplay, as well, so we often did guild and private RP together. We also seemed to have mutual interests when it came to RP, and we soon became pretty good friends. He became a source of inspiration and encouragement for me.
Before I knew it, Lor was treating me... differently. He started talking to me a lot more often, and starting saying things that made it obvious he liked me more than a gaming/RP buddy. I wasn't sure how to handle this, because I had made it clear to myself that I had no intention of being in a relationship - and I definitely didn't want to be in a long-distance one, because I saw it ending very quickly. But something strange happened: I couldn't deny him. I couldn't deny this source of inspiration, love, and encouragement. He genuinely seemed to like me for who I was. My fears and insecurities went nuts, of course, and tried to convince me he was malevolent, and that I was making a huge mistake by letting him in. But the next thing I knew, I was his partner. He never asked me outright if I wanted to be with him - it was almost as though we both felt the question was unnecessary.
So far, I haven't regretted it one bit. Lor is helping me tremendously with these fears and insecurities. The only thing I worry about is the long-distance aspect. Since he lives in a remote/rural place, he gets crappy internet, so lately it's been difficult to find him in-game or even on skype. I talk to him nightly, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and most evenings, he's too tired to stay long. It's been tough, but I'm trying to hang in there because I know it's worth it - at least for now.
I guess what I'm trying to say with this digression is that meeting Lor and becoming his partner has been one of the highlights of my year; it's probably the most adventurous thing I've done in 2013. After all, I was quite firm about the "no-relationships" thing. But it seems I can't beat fate, if that's what's responsible for our meeting.
All in all, 2013 could have been a little better, but it needed to happen. I needed that time to reflect and unearth the issues I had tried to bury. If I don't release those issues now, it'll be that much harder to make progress toward my goals. How can I help people if I can't even help myself?
I'm looking forward to what 2014 has to offer. I expect a lot of change, fear, and instability, but if my reading was any indication, there's plenty of passion and abundance supporting me.
It's time for a new chapter.
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