Attending to Family

by Rafael Sarmento

On a bit of a high this morning. It's crazy how well Lor and I resonate with each other. As long as I keep reminding myself that our moments of pain are only caused by our fears and insecurities, and not anything that we've actually done, things should progress smoothly from here on out. A few bumps in the road, I'm sure, but at least I'll actually have the experience to deal with them and not simply mope over them. 

Today's draw is for Feast of Mothers, but get this: I drew Book of Shadows again. Except this time, I'm reflecting on how I can best attend to family or express my protective energies. I instantly think of the whole "beliefs practiced in life" interpretation again. It would make sense, anyway. My only problem is: I've struggled with family over the years. When you're an introvert in a family as large as my mom's (that's the only side of the family we really ever see; my dad's side keeps to themselves on the other side of the country), you don't really play well with others for too long. Add the fact that probably 98% of my mom's family is Christian (and not as open-minded as I would like them to be), and - well - I think you get the idea. It just never works. I feel like I can never be my true self around any of my family members - not even my own parents and brother. 

So how does Book of Shadows relate to this? I'm thinking one thing, mainly: beliefs practiced in life. Although it's a big, intimidating step, perhaps what this card is suggesting is that I stop hiding and censoring myself just to make my family comfortable. At the same time, though, I'm afraid of what will happen when I try to tell them who I really am and what I believe and want out of life. I imagine the worst that could happen is that they simply make fun of me or try to make me see "sense." I suppose deep down, there's really nothing wrong with that, because it shouldn't stop me from achieving what I want to achieve. But on the surface, it's such an uncomfortable idea to face, because I'm already sick of what my family has been spewing at me in terms of teasing and lecturing. How would they react when I share with them my life's ambitions? 

It's a lot to think about. But if it's truly what this card is trying to communicate, then it's something I need to start reflecting on, because sooner or later, I'm going to have to tell my family what it is I'm doing with my life. I can't just figure out everything I'm doing with my life in secret and say to them last minute, "Oh, by the way, I'm moving to the west coast tomorrow. See ya." 

I know a lot of this discomfort stems from my fears and insecurities. But a big part of those insecurities is shame. I feel like I've brought shame to my parents because I chose not to pursue that financially secure route and finish art school. I know in my heart there's nothing I can do to influence how they feel, so it's just going to be something I have to forgive and move on from - otherwise I won't be able to live a happy, fulfilling life. 

I'm not the best at attending to family. I'm the best at taking care of those I love. And those I love are those who love, appreciate, respect, and support me in return. Right now, I can think of only a few people who have done all this for me.

But of course, they're all far away.