Imbolc

"Luminous" - by Raipun @ deviantART

Beginning to find my light again. I'm still very unhappy with society, but at least I'm beginning to see everything in perspective again now. 

Speaking of perspective... I did my Imbolc reading last night for two main reasons: one, because I have to make up my 20th century art class tomorrow (from MLK), and two, because Friday and Saturday are usually my heavy homework days (since I take off Thursday and Sunday if possible). 

I assign a significant energy to each of my decks: Shiva for Gita, Leon for Psychic Tarot, Apollo for Mythic Oracle, Lucifer for Fallen Angels, Cernunnos for BoS, and Hades for Archeon. So now, with the arrival of Wildwood, I have assigned El'azar, one of my old quiet friends, to it. 

I sat down with him and Cernunnos and asked them each five questions based on the Imbolc ideas of new beginnings, lights in the darkness, etc. These were their answers...

1.) What was important in the past few months?
El'azar: Seven of Arrows - Insecurity.This caught me off guard. El'azar always struck me as a blunt type of guy, even in my past meditations with him. The card illustration definitely seems appropriate. It's very Saint Sebastian, only with more arrows. I do admit I have some minor insecurity issues only when it comes to what other people think. Fortunately, though, I've been catching myself every time the issue pops up, so I correct myself and say: "Why should I care?" But yes. This has been a very prominent theme in past months since it has to do directly with what I truly want to do in life.

Cernunnos: Ace of Fire - The Sun. A card of passion, success, and strong personal energy, but also ego and self-centeredness. I think the focus here is on passion (or the struggle with it) and ego, since I've still been in a constant battle with it. I guess my problem is that I don't know whether ego is "bad" and something I should be trying to avoid. There was a time when I was in harmony with it, but now I wonder: is it possible to be in balance with ego?

2.) Where am I now?
El'azar: Page of Stones - Lynx. I'm on the hunt, according to El. Looking for my prey. Using stealth and cunning to assist me. I do agree that I'm on the hunt, but I feel like there's a bit more to this message, so I'm going to pop open the book... "Mocking concepts of authority. Messages of prosperity or benefit. Learning the ropes. Keeping things down-to-earth." Yeah, that also makes sense.

Cernunnos: Five of Earth - Waterfalls. The strong concept here is stability and steadiness. Flowing at a strong, constant pace with nothing to hold me back. I need to be that waterfall now, he says. I need to flow unrestricted. Wash past the obstacles.

3.) What needs to be released?
El'azar: Six of Stones - Exploitation, Six of Vessels - Reunion, and Knight of Bows - Fox. Whew. El certainly had a lot to say here. Like I said: nice and blunt. Six of Stones has an air of suffering - of lack, of struggling to survive. Looking to the heavens for hope and prosperity, but receiving very little. Yes. Very appropriate. Six of Vessels shows more emotional prosperity. There's a quietness about this card that I really enjoy... it also emphasizes solitude, or at least communing with someone close to me.  and Knight of Bows... Trickery. Cleverness. This fox has the silliest expression on its face. I feel like the message here is deception. To stop deceiving myself and possibly others. 

Cernunnos: Nine of Water - Lakshmi. Once again, emotional prosperity. Even spiritual and physical, to some degree. A card based on abundance and enlightenment.

4.) What is important in the upcoming months?
El'azar: The Shaman. This is a very powerful card for me, and I know its meaning in my heart, so I won't bother to go into detail here.

Cernunnos: Three of Water - Flora. Creativity and abundance. Flowing fertility. That makes me excited, if not hopeful. I need to stop dwelling on the originality of my ideas and just go with what makes me happy - what defines "me." I take this message to heart.

5.) How can I turn my plans into reality?
El'azar: Knight of Stones - Horse. A card of freedom upon first glance. A wild and free spirit. Caring little for the thoughts of those around me. Doing what makes me happy - what empowers and fuels me. 

Cernunnos: Two of Earth: Beach. A gentle card of nurturing the self, soul-searching, being at peace, and being in balance with it all. 

So yeah. I'd say this was enlightening. I should probably read for myself more often, but when I'm in school, the desire to connect with the spiritual falters. So I guess my next "big" reading will be for Ostara, although I may do another mini one before that just to see how things are going. Maybe this is metaphorical... after all, it's winter. Much of what I've been feeling can be related to the concepts associated with winter. And now that spring is on the horizon... it's like the light is returning to my life.

I hope El'azar and Cernunnos are right.

Now I'm actually going to enjoy doing a bit of homework today. I have to do something to keep myself on track, especially since I'll be wasting a few hours of my day tomorrow at school. So off I go.

Happy Imbolc! 

Fear Not This Night

 bao22.blogspot.com

I feel a little silly for letting all this crap get to me - at least to this extent. I spent the past several months cultivating wisdom from my life, dreams, the energies that surround me, and now that I'm faced with plain old life, all that seems to have faded away. I like to think that the resistance I feel for my path means something - that I shouldn't be wasting my time and energy - but then I think of the differing perspective: that I should enjoy this path for the adventure it has to offer. I still don't know whether I'm supposed to be paving my own way or going with the flow; maybe it's both.

Whatever the case, I think I need to stop dwelling in my misery and change my attitude. I shouldn't be reverting to resistance just because I'm faced with something I don't like. Of course, there's always the bigger picture. If we taught everyone to embrace the natural flow, what would life be like? Would we still be enslaved to a hierarchical system, or would we embrace change much more easily?

I've spent the last year or so strongly believing that I had to make a significant impact on this world. I believed that I had the power to change things by making some big creative contribution to our society. In doing so, I have struggled to find my identity as a creator. What am I supposed to be contributing? What do I work on at present? What themes and ideas am I supposed to emphasize? 

These questions have led to quite the creative struggle over this past year or so. All my thoughts were dominated by the idea of this has to mean something; this has to make a significant impact; I have to contribute to change. As a result, my creativity has been lacking and unmotivated.

School isn't helping. I sit in class and feel so unoriginal with my ideas. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I don't want a corporate art career. I want to be free to create my own material, free of intense deadlines and stress. It saddens me that "real life" is defined as something that is cold and harsh and unforgiving. Our society has convinced itself that if we're not stressed and exhausted by the end of the day, we're not working hard enough. If we're not working hard enough, we don't deserve the income that will sustain us. Forget the fact that we were born of earth. No - we have to pay to be here. 

Pah.

On a slightly different note, I've been thinking heavily about friendships, too. Socialization. Socializing has become a chore for me. I find myself bored with a few people, and when it comes to sitting down and talking, I find myself saying things that I didn't intend on saying, just because I want to come across as someone who is sociable. That's what they emphasize in art school, after all. Get your name out there. Network. Make friends with different people in different majors. But none of that interests me. As a result, my friendships are suffering. People who once seemed interested in me are interested no longer. I really only talk to two people frequently in class, one being a friend from high school. 

I can't say I'm entirely happy at the moment. In fact, the only time I feel happy is when I can detach myself from schoolwork and "real life." So I guess that means the only time I feel truly happy is when I'm immersed in the fantasy worlds of GW2 or my own projects. Living the lives that I so often dream about. Is that childish? I don't think so. I can't help it. I'm a Pisces - dreaming is my natural state. Fantasy worlds are my home. My natal chart summarizes it perfectly: "She is happy in her imaginary world and thus is happy nowhere, because she can never find her ideal world - thus causing a lot of change, instability, and disquiet." 

Interesting. I just reviewed the 3 readings I had for January. One was my own, one was from a member at SF, and another was from Michele Knight. My own reading suggested a theme of balance and transformation/renewal, like a new cycle. The SF member said: "Feeling worried and stressed. Possibly unable to sleep." And Michele Knight put the Piscean emphasis on friendships, honesty, and a big sigh of relief when it comes to the home (or family) at the end of the month. All of this is true except for the latter. Then again, it's not February yet, so maybe that sigh of relief is soon to come. If not, then that's fine too. I'm not sure I need that sigh. 

To end this post, I wanted to leave one of the GW2 soundtracks, "Fear Not This Night." When I first listened to it (before I ever started playing), I thought it was just another cheesy "uplifting" song, but then I began playing, and listening to it more, and finally heard it in-game at the end of the storyline campaign... and I realized not only how powerful it was, but how applicable it was to my current situation. 

Fear not this night
You will not go astray
Though shadows fall
Still the stars find their way

And you can always be strong
Lift your voice with the first light of dawn

Dawn’s just a heartbeat away
Hope’s just a sunrise away

Yes, GW2 puts a huge emphasis on darkness/light, defeating corruption and evil, joining forces, etc., like many other RPGs and fantasy novels, but there's something special about GW2 that has ensnared me. I don't know. I'll let the soundtrack do the talking.

 

Past Wisdom

by Raipun @ deviantART

Still feeling low. I imagine I'm going to feel this way for a while. 

Since I haven't done a reading with my new Wildwood deck yet, I decided to do a mini one just to glean some advice/wisdom from who or whatever would like to assist me. I plan on doing a more in-depth reading with both my BoS deck and Wildwood next week for Imbolc. Until then, I just wanted a general glimpse... and the three cards I drew seem to put an emphasis on themes from the past.

First was The Ancestor, followed by Balance (ha) and Knight of Arrows - Hawk. All three of these cards feature an animal. The first featuring a reindeer, the second, dragons, and the third, hawk. I found that interesting.

Ancestor definitely puts an emphasis on heeding words from helpful energies or people, or even stepping back into the past to recall what was learned. There's also the concept of hibernation, of being in a restful, "asleep" state, of being cold or temporarily stilled. Now, in comparison, the guidebook has caught me off guard, because the author associates Ancestor with Imbolc. How appropriate. With that in mind, she represents new beginnings, a new path, moving onward, heeding the inner voice, communing with nature... A certain line, however, seized my attention: "You may have been reluctant or concerned at first, but whether you realize it or not a shift has occurred."

Balance is one of those straightforward cards that communicates just that - balance. Two dragons intertwined around a tree trunk, with a face carved in the rock below. Of course, I'm exceptionally fond of this card because of the presence of dragons (or snakes, depending on your interpretation, but I love snakes just as much). The meaning, however, is clear. Balance is needed. Or, to quote the book: "You must be balanced and patient. The time is right to rest and contemplate all the facets of your existence. To continue now you must be still and calm."

Last, the Knight of Arrows - Hawk. The sole symbolism of this card lies in Hawk, who I always associate with keen sight and determination... the ability to see things from a higher perspective. The book has him associated with vision and power, but also as a messenger of fate. 

Of course, the cards know exactly what they're talking about. Or Adonai and its aspects. I find it interesting that these cards - specifically the last two - relate to doubt and uncertainty, which I have been feeling in excess these past few weeks, particularly in the area of purpose and art. 

But it seems I need patience... I need to embrace this feeling of not knowing, of being directionless. Maybe that's the point. Maybe I don't need a direction - maybe I just need to do whatever I feel like doing.

I'll wait till next week's reading for more insight on that, though.  

The Depths

"The Guardian" - by Rassouli

I'm very good at distracting myself.

If I ever feel weighed down, gloomy, miserable, angry, agitated... I occupy myself with something artsy, fun, or creative, and push such feelings down into the depths, where they linger until something sets them aflame. I forget about it all until I return to reality.

Yeah. I'm kind of hating on life at the moment. No, that's incorrect. I'm  hating on the life that our current society has built. And what's sad is that if I said such things to most people in this world, they would tell me that I'm being unrealistic, immature, childish, irresponsible. They would tell me that I need to grow up, that life is harsh and unfair, and that we must do things we don't want to do in order to proceed on our paths. 

Is this really the way I have to live? Hasn't Adonai had enough of this silly little game? 

I'm growing bored. And antisocial. All I want to do is stay holed up in my room all day, doing everything I love. Everything that I've learned for myself has just faded away, it seems. There are some instances where I call upon my inner power, but the rest... the awareness, the concept of experience - dissolved into dust. I keep reminding myself that it's worth it, but is it really? I look over at my neighbor's house and think: there's a family in there. A hardworking family, maybe, with a couple of kids and a couple of dogs. Like any other family, those kids are going to school, those parents are working to maintain the household, and those dogs are free to do whatever they please. They don't have to worry about who takes care of their house, or who pays the bills, or who locks the doors at night. They're free to be who they are.

Why? Why can't we live like that anymore? It's downright sickening and it pulls at my heart.This whole silly game of making sacrifices, playing along with the system, trying to encourage people to change... I think we've had enough of it. Yes, I suppose this could suggest my role here is to serve as a catalyst, but at this point, I'm tired of trying to be someone. I'm tired of trying to serve some sort of divine purpose, of trying to make a mark on the world, of trying to change things. 

And yet, if I choose to just live, I would still be part of this society I don't resonate with. Talk about freedom. This is literally enslavement. It's like that quote I found on tumblr: "You don't need a job. You are forced to have one in order to survive. That isn't freedom; that's a threat."

Yes, it's a big issue. And the unfortunate thing is that people don't like change. To quote Heroes (which I've been watching again recently):  

We are, if anything, creatures of habit. Drawn to the safety and the comfort of the familiar. But what happens when the familiar becomes unsafe? When the fear that we've been desperately trying to avoid, finds us where we live?

At this point, I really do hope something "big" happens - just so things can change. So things can be purified and renewed. 

I haven't been keeping up with this blog only because I had nothing to contribute but complaints and low energy. But noting such things is essential, I suppose, so I might as well vent a little. It seems to me my problem at present is viewing things from an ego-based perspective. At the same time, though, the truest aspect of myself is in pain, because it doesn't like how things are. It doesn't like to see people stressed, suffering, afraid, angry, driven to exhaustion. As much as I'm inclined to go "big picture" and see everything from Adonai's point of view, I can't help but want to do something. Unfortunately, I can't seem to figure out what that something is. 

In other news, I canceled my order for the Druid Craft deck because Amazon emailed me today saying they still haven't acquired more copies (it's been a month since I placed the order), and I figured since I bought Wildwood instead (and am receiving it today), I could just forget about Druid Craft. I do favor Wildwood over DC; plus, DC has larger cards, which makes it a bit more awkward to handle.

These days consist of two things: schoolwork and GW2. I have been thinking about Crucible, though, because GW2 has brought me buttloads of inspiration. Ugh. Why can I never just sit down and focus on one thing?

Well. Because it's MLK, everyone's off, so I need to run and finish up homework so I can spend the rest of my day playing GW with the bro. 

Please, oh please, don't let Dad ask about what I'm getting today. I don't think he's aware of my tarot/oracle collection, and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

Pah.     

Biting the Bullet

by hoooook @ deviantART

A very quick and sloppy post just to note progress.

Pulled from BoS deck the other day and received Five of Fire - Jupiter, representing transformation and good fortune, which I only halfheartedly accepted merely because I've been so freaking depressed lately. Actually... that's not the right word. I don't know how to describe these feelings. I'm a whole mix of agitated, angry, annoyed, disappointed, mournful, rebellious, contemplative, and any other word fitting under those categories. It's half "dark night of the soul" and half "I hate society." I've been lamenting and redetermining my place in this world. I feel directionless, and now I'm rather dejected because I just want to live without having to be anyone or anything, without having to worry about financial security and whether I'll be "successful." As a result, I've been feeling lost as an artist and writer. I absolutely loathe how I can't just be and create as I'd like. No worries about money. No worries about success, bills, loans, fancy education. 

As one can imagine, school has been dragging me down for this very reason. It's only two days a week but the days are certainly long, and the work is piling up. I'm on a 6-day weekend right now thanks to MLK; however, I have plenty to do, and I don't want to do it. Doing my work and listening to my professor in class talk about clients and processes and originality and so on has made me feel even more resistance to school and careers and just generally life. 

So yeah. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like any purpose I believed I had has crumbled away. I have society at arm's length and I'm trying so hard to just keep plowing through, hoping that something will change, that I'll receive some kind of divine inspiration or glorious opportunity that will let me live the way I want to live.

At least now I understand why I'm so obsessed with GW2 at present: it allows me to live in an ideal fantasy world - a world that parallels my own needs and desires. 

But before I get to that, I have a damned wine label to work on. 

Edit: Screw it. I'm buying that Wildwood deck. Druid Craft is STILL out of stock, I'm angry and frustrated, and new cards will help boost my mood, even if I haven't been using the others lately. They're only $13 anyway, and I have a refund check coming in soon. 

Endless Night

"Night Spirit" - by Cornis @ deviantART

Bit of a quick update post since I want to get my homework done ASAP. 

Started classes yesterday. Tried to get in the mood - tried to enjoy those long hours, the idea of a high work output, the idea of improvement, of doing something I enjoy, but no matter how hard I tried, I'm still finding myself resisting. I kept listening to everyone around me - including my professor, who's new to teaching illustration - talk about acquiring jobs, the stress, the fact that we can't be coddled, etc., and I kept thinking: "What am I doing here?" 

Even if I am there for my own interests, it still sucks to know that I have to put up with all this crap just to make my parents feel better. I'm in a really crappy place right now, because I'm almost half done with school, so if I decided to jump ship now, my parents would be not only disappointed, but terrified, because they think my own ambitions are unrealistic and that I wouldn't survive without a degree to ensure my financial security.

To go along with this, I made the realization yesterday that I'm also in a crappy place socially. Funny, because my Pisces horoscope for this week claimed I would have a revelation about friendships, of possibly losing a friend or realizing that someone - or some people - don't suit me anymore, etc. And while that does apply to me, it also made me realize that attracting what I want - or even doing what I want - is tough to do without putting myself out there. I'm very passive, so I don't tend to approach people first; throw in the fact that I prefer my own company over the company of anyone else and it pretty much seems like I'm screwed - at least when it comes to surviving in this society.

Sure - I could spend my time cooped away in my room writing the next bestseller. Perhaps my pen name will become well-known. But it won't change my solitary personality. 

So I guess you can say I'm having a bit of a hard time here. I drew Artemis for this week; the deck associates her with purity but I'll always associate her with divine feminine and seeking out that which I desire, which, of course, makes perfect sense to me and this whole situation. 

Dreams have been GW2-related, although I did have a dream about Leona-cat this morning. She had kittens, and I was finally able to pet her without her freaking out. In reality, she is becoming more comfortable with us and our movement, but she still tends to want to run when you come near. We've also been attracting other strays, too... oops.

Well. Leona's sitting on the step waiting for her food, and I have homework to decimate, so off I go.

In the Low Light

 by ototoi @ deviantART

As Monday draws nearer, the more miserable I begin to feel. 

Accepting something I don't even want - it's easier said than done. I can sit here and say "school will be good for me" - that it'll help me with my own illustration skills and whatnot, but there's still the concept of school behind all of it: the stress, the projects, the tests and essays, the long hours, and the limited personal time. To be honest, it still feels like I'm wasting my time and energy. I feel like I'm just going to make my parents happy (especially with my dad's "This is your gift to me" comment). Yes, technically, attending school for the remaining two and a half years will turn me into a better artist and illustrator, and I could use that for my own interests, but it sucks arse when you have the pressure of turning all that into a career on you. 

I can't learn illustration on my own. No - I have to spend $10k a quarter for four years to sit in a classroom anywhere from 2.5 to 8 hours a day, bored to tears, being stressed, and barely having support from the professors, who all say: "It's to prepare you for the real world."

The real world?

Does anyone else care about this? Does anyone else see the problem with this society? Why isn't anyone trying to fix it? Do they think it's impossible or impractical? 

We're freaking 7 billion people on a planet, and we're too afraid to make changes that will free us from our enslavement? Do people want to live this way? 8-hour jobs, stress, business management, money, taxes, bills, time, commuting?  

With each day that passes, I'm feeling less and less inclined to live on this planet... especially knowing what I'll have to look forward to for the rest of my life, unless something changes. I am and will be trying my best to contribute to such change, but I can't do it alone. And all around me, people are trying to get me to conform, to ensure my security and stability, to make sure I'm well-off financially so that I can afford to live on this planet.

It's getting tough. It really, really is. 

I don't think people realize how much power we have as a collective. Governments can't arrest 7 billion people. But it all rests with fear, doesn't it? Everyone's been conditioned to enjoy what they have, to be okay with working because it earns them cash. And if that's the case, it's going to take a long, long time to change this world.

I'm not so sure I want to put up with this anymore.

But anyway... haven't had much to report. Nothing exciting is going on these days other than with Winterspell. I've been hooked on GW2. Trying to get the most out of it now because once school comes around, I won't have much time for it, and even if I do play, I know my dad will be on my ass, saying, "Why are you playing video games when you have work to do?" And yet he knows that ever since kindergarten, I've been responsible enough to get my shit done before any kind of leisure (unless it's a lot and requires breaks). So yeah. A bit aggravating, especially since he's known to do the same thing. 

My dreams of late have been jumbled and related to daily life, but they feel "expansive." I can't really describe it any other way. It just feels like I'm dreaming about so much and am in so many places. The content doesn't seem to be important enough to remember, though.


Winterspell is coming along wonderfully. I've got 19,400 words of world-building down and the more I dwell on the concept, the more I find I'm aware of what I'm talking about. I work for an hour or so on it each morning before committing myself to GW2 all day. 

That brings me to my last point. I decided to ditch that drawing challenge. Why? Because I realized something in bed the other night: why am I forcing myself to do something that isn't of extreme importance to me? Sure, art is a passion and has a strong presence in my life, but it's not as significant as writing. Instead of art, why don't I make a writing challenge for myself? Make it a goal to write every day. I've always followed my intuition for stuff like this, and if I'm feeling this resistance to draw every day, that probably means something. So I'm going with writing instead. 

Three more days... damn.

The First Chapter

"Shower of Nectar" - by Rassouli

8:12 AM on January 1, 2013, and it's dark and cloudy outside. Expecting a good amount of rain today. I like that - it's kind of symbolic... like a cleansing or purification of all the "icky stuff." 

I drew a Mythic Oracle to ask Apollo who would be best to guide me during the first "chapter" of this new year. And once again, I freaking pull Psyche (with Eros depicted) with her emphasis on sacred union, and the message of doing whatever it takes for love.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have Thanatos backing me up this month (based on the annual reading I did for myself) to assist with change and transformation, but it seems, based on all the predictions, this month will revolve around friendships... I wonder how Psyche comes into play with that. Guess we'll see.

Last night was pretty anticlimactic. New Year's is becoming like Christmas for me - I'm becoming less interested in the hype with each one that passes. It also doesn't help to know that time is man-made and that every other living thing on earth doesn't give a crap whether it's 2013. They just live.

With that said, I was playing Guild Wars 2 until about 11:30, after which I worked a bit on Winterspell world-building, brushed my teeth, had my brother purchase me the game (after playing extensively on his account), and casually handed out "Happy 2013s" to the family before retiring to bed. Oh - but I did watch my desktop calendar roll over, which is always kind of cute. 

So yeah. I guess you can say the interest in New Year's is dwindling. I'm all for "new cycles" - I always embrace them - but as far as the numbers are concerned... well. After 2012 it's pretty insignificant. I do have a general list of "goals" for this year, but they have more to do with mindsets or states of awareness. I want to practice embracing all experiences. I want to be more adventurous. I want to eliminate fear, because fear is mental. I want to work from the heart, and not because I know I have to make a living off of what it is I do. I want to become awareness, not become aware that I am awareness. Stuff like that. 

Yesterday was spent with my brother as he taught me a lot of the basics of GW2. It's a pretty cool game - and very visually striking - but I'm still working on my frustrations with the camera (one of the biggest reasons I dislike 3D RPGs). I like the game enough, though, to just keep practicing. I love the emphasis on story, too...

When I wasn't doing that, I was world-building for Winterspell, because I'm almost finished with that massive list of questions. I'm at 15,500 words (39 pages), and now, it's like everything is coming together in my head. Pretty awesome. Just need to continue letting it flow... rather than thinking too much on whether it's original.

I also decided that I wouldn't worry about that art blog right this second. Even though it would help motivate me, I realized I didn't have to post my drawing-a-day challenge on the internet. I was considering FB, but I don't want people to ask about my characters and whatnot. Well. I guess I could post there, and just label them "OC" without any reference to an actual story/novel. Hmm. Fortunately, the majority of people I have added on there aren't artists or writers. 

That, however, reminds me of something I read on tumblr yesterday. It seemed like a sort of confirmation to this question I've been asking, about getting your name out there. The person who posted it is one of my favorite artists; she has a webcomic that has a little over 3000 fans and a dA account that is fairly - but not uber - popular. In this post, she was describing ways to get people to notice your work, which included the suggestion of joining dA and tumblr and tagging the hell out of your stuff, etc. 

I was wondering whether I should get a little tumblr for myself; I just wouldn't know whether to post "miscellaneous" art, or art relating to my projects. Eh. No rush, I guess. 

Gotta make my daily doodle, though!