In the Low Light

 by ototoi @ deviantART

As Monday draws nearer, the more miserable I begin to feel. 

Accepting something I don't even want - it's easier said than done. I can sit here and say "school will be good for me" - that it'll help me with my own illustration skills and whatnot, but there's still the concept of school behind all of it: the stress, the projects, the tests and essays, the long hours, and the limited personal time. To be honest, it still feels like I'm wasting my time and energy. I feel like I'm just going to make my parents happy (especially with my dad's "This is your gift to me" comment). Yes, technically, attending school for the remaining two and a half years will turn me into a better artist and illustrator, and I could use that for my own interests, but it sucks arse when you have the pressure of turning all that into a career on you. 

I can't learn illustration on my own. No - I have to spend $10k a quarter for four years to sit in a classroom anywhere from 2.5 to 8 hours a day, bored to tears, being stressed, and barely having support from the professors, who all say: "It's to prepare you for the real world."

The real world?

Does anyone else care about this? Does anyone else see the problem with this society? Why isn't anyone trying to fix it? Do they think it's impossible or impractical? 

We're freaking 7 billion people on a planet, and we're too afraid to make changes that will free us from our enslavement? Do people want to live this way? 8-hour jobs, stress, business management, money, taxes, bills, time, commuting?  

With each day that passes, I'm feeling less and less inclined to live on this planet... especially knowing what I'll have to look forward to for the rest of my life, unless something changes. I am and will be trying my best to contribute to such change, but I can't do it alone. And all around me, people are trying to get me to conform, to ensure my security and stability, to make sure I'm well-off financially so that I can afford to live on this planet.

It's getting tough. It really, really is. 

I don't think people realize how much power we have as a collective. Governments can't arrest 7 billion people. But it all rests with fear, doesn't it? Everyone's been conditioned to enjoy what they have, to be okay with working because it earns them cash. And if that's the case, it's going to take a long, long time to change this world.

I'm not so sure I want to put up with this anymore.

But anyway... haven't had much to report. Nothing exciting is going on these days other than with Winterspell. I've been hooked on GW2. Trying to get the most out of it now because once school comes around, I won't have much time for it, and even if I do play, I know my dad will be on my ass, saying, "Why are you playing video games when you have work to do?" And yet he knows that ever since kindergarten, I've been responsible enough to get my shit done before any kind of leisure (unless it's a lot and requires breaks). So yeah. A bit aggravating, especially since he's known to do the same thing. 

My dreams of late have been jumbled and related to daily life, but they feel "expansive." I can't really describe it any other way. It just feels like I'm dreaming about so much and am in so many places. The content doesn't seem to be important enough to remember, though.


Winterspell is coming along wonderfully. I've got 19,400 words of world-building down and the more I dwell on the concept, the more I find I'm aware of what I'm talking about. I work for an hour or so on it each morning before committing myself to GW2 all day. 

That brings me to my last point. I decided to ditch that drawing challenge. Why? Because I realized something in bed the other night: why am I forcing myself to do something that isn't of extreme importance to me? Sure, art is a passion and has a strong presence in my life, but it's not as significant as writing. Instead of art, why don't I make a writing challenge for myself? Make it a goal to write every day. I've always followed my intuition for stuff like this, and if I'm feeling this resistance to draw every day, that probably means something. So I'm going with writing instead. 

Three more days... damn.