Fear Not This Night

 bao22.blogspot.com

I feel a little silly for letting all this crap get to me - at least to this extent. I spent the past several months cultivating wisdom from my life, dreams, the energies that surround me, and now that I'm faced with plain old life, all that seems to have faded away. I like to think that the resistance I feel for my path means something - that I shouldn't be wasting my time and energy - but then I think of the differing perspective: that I should enjoy this path for the adventure it has to offer. I still don't know whether I'm supposed to be paving my own way or going with the flow; maybe it's both.

Whatever the case, I think I need to stop dwelling in my misery and change my attitude. I shouldn't be reverting to resistance just because I'm faced with something I don't like. Of course, there's always the bigger picture. If we taught everyone to embrace the natural flow, what would life be like? Would we still be enslaved to a hierarchical system, or would we embrace change much more easily?

I've spent the last year or so strongly believing that I had to make a significant impact on this world. I believed that I had the power to change things by making some big creative contribution to our society. In doing so, I have struggled to find my identity as a creator. What am I supposed to be contributing? What do I work on at present? What themes and ideas am I supposed to emphasize? 

These questions have led to quite the creative struggle over this past year or so. All my thoughts were dominated by the idea of this has to mean something; this has to make a significant impact; I have to contribute to change. As a result, my creativity has been lacking and unmotivated.

School isn't helping. I sit in class and feel so unoriginal with my ideas. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I don't want a corporate art career. I want to be free to create my own material, free of intense deadlines and stress. It saddens me that "real life" is defined as something that is cold and harsh and unforgiving. Our society has convinced itself that if we're not stressed and exhausted by the end of the day, we're not working hard enough. If we're not working hard enough, we don't deserve the income that will sustain us. Forget the fact that we were born of earth. No - we have to pay to be here. 

Pah.

On a slightly different note, I've been thinking heavily about friendships, too. Socialization. Socializing has become a chore for me. I find myself bored with a few people, and when it comes to sitting down and talking, I find myself saying things that I didn't intend on saying, just because I want to come across as someone who is sociable. That's what they emphasize in art school, after all. Get your name out there. Network. Make friends with different people in different majors. But none of that interests me. As a result, my friendships are suffering. People who once seemed interested in me are interested no longer. I really only talk to two people frequently in class, one being a friend from high school. 

I can't say I'm entirely happy at the moment. In fact, the only time I feel happy is when I can detach myself from schoolwork and "real life." So I guess that means the only time I feel truly happy is when I'm immersed in the fantasy worlds of GW2 or my own projects. Living the lives that I so often dream about. Is that childish? I don't think so. I can't help it. I'm a Pisces - dreaming is my natural state. Fantasy worlds are my home. My natal chart summarizes it perfectly: "She is happy in her imaginary world and thus is happy nowhere, because she can never find her ideal world - thus causing a lot of change, instability, and disquiet." 

Interesting. I just reviewed the 3 readings I had for January. One was my own, one was from a member at SF, and another was from Michele Knight. My own reading suggested a theme of balance and transformation/renewal, like a new cycle. The SF member said: "Feeling worried and stressed. Possibly unable to sleep." And Michele Knight put the Piscean emphasis on friendships, honesty, and a big sigh of relief when it comes to the home (or family) at the end of the month. All of this is true except for the latter. Then again, it's not February yet, so maybe that sigh of relief is soon to come. If not, then that's fine too. I'm not sure I need that sigh. 

To end this post, I wanted to leave one of the GW2 soundtracks, "Fear Not This Night." When I first listened to it (before I ever started playing), I thought it was just another cheesy "uplifting" song, but then I began playing, and listening to it more, and finally heard it in-game at the end of the storyline campaign... and I realized not only how powerful it was, but how applicable it was to my current situation. 

Fear not this night
You will not go astray
Though shadows fall
Still the stars find their way

And you can always be strong
Lift your voice with the first light of dawn

Dawn’s just a heartbeat away
Hope’s just a sunrise away

Yes, GW2 puts a huge emphasis on darkness/light, defeating corruption and evil, joining forces, etc., like many other RPGs and fantasy novels, but there's something special about GW2 that has ensnared me. I don't know. I'll let the soundtrack do the talking.