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| "Night Spirit" - by Cornis @ deviantART |
Started classes yesterday. Tried to get in the mood - tried to enjoy those long hours, the idea of a high work output, the idea of improvement, of doing something I enjoy, but no matter how hard I tried, I'm still finding myself resisting. I kept listening to everyone around me - including my professor, who's new to teaching illustration - talk about acquiring jobs, the stress, the fact that we can't be coddled, etc., and I kept thinking: "What am I doing here?"
Even if I am there for my own interests, it still sucks to know that I have to put up with all this crap just to make my parents feel better. I'm in a really crappy place right now, because I'm almost half done with school, so if I decided to jump ship now, my parents would be not only disappointed, but terrified, because they think my own ambitions are unrealistic and that I wouldn't survive without a degree to ensure my financial security.
To go along with this, I made the realization yesterday that I'm also in a crappy place socially. Funny, because my Pisces horoscope for this week claimed I would have a revelation about friendships, of possibly losing a friend or realizing that someone - or some people - don't suit me anymore, etc. And while that does apply to me, it also made me realize that attracting what I want - or even doing what I want - is tough to do without putting myself out there. I'm very passive, so I don't tend to approach people first; throw in the fact that I prefer my own company over the company of anyone else and it pretty much seems like I'm screwed - at least when it comes to surviving in this society.
Sure - I could spend my time cooped away in my room writing the next bestseller. Perhaps my pen name will become well-known. But it won't change my solitary personality.
So I guess you can say I'm having a bit of a hard time here. I drew Artemis for this week; the deck associates her with purity but I'll always associate her with divine feminine and seeking out that which I desire, which, of course, makes perfect sense to me and this whole situation.
Dreams have been GW2-related, although I did have a dream about Leona-cat this morning. She had kittens, and I was finally able to pet her without her freaking out. In reality, she is becoming more comfortable with us and our movement, but she still tends to want to run when you come near. We've also been attracting other strays, too... oops.
Well. Leona's sitting on the step waiting for her food, and I have homework to decimate, so off I go.
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