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| by hoooook @ deviantART |
Pulled from BoS deck the other day and received Five of Fire - Jupiter, representing transformation and good fortune, which I only halfheartedly accepted merely because I've been so freaking depressed lately. Actually... that's not the right word. I don't know how to describe these feelings. I'm a whole mix of agitated, angry, annoyed, disappointed, mournful, rebellious, contemplative, and any other word fitting under those categories. It's half "dark night of the soul" and half "I hate society." I've been lamenting and redetermining my place in this world. I feel directionless, and now I'm rather dejected because I just want to live without having to be anyone or anything, without having to worry about financial security and whether I'll be "successful." As a result, I've been feeling lost as an artist and writer. I absolutely loathe how I can't just be and create as I'd like. No worries about money. No worries about success, bills, loans, fancy education.
As one can imagine, school has been dragging me down for this very reason. It's only two days a week but the days are certainly long, and the work is piling up. I'm on a 6-day weekend right now thanks to MLK; however, I have plenty to do, and I don't want to do it. Doing my work and listening to my professor in class talk about clients and processes and originality and so on has made me feel even more resistance to school and careers and just generally life.
So yeah. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like any purpose I believed I had has crumbled away. I have society at arm's length and I'm trying so hard to just keep plowing through, hoping that something will change, that I'll receive some kind of divine inspiration or glorious opportunity that will let me live the way I want to live.
At least now I understand why I'm so obsessed with GW2 at present: it allows me to live in an ideal fantasy world - a world that parallels my own needs and desires.
But before I get to that, I have a damned wine label to work on.
Edit: Screw it. I'm buying that Wildwood deck. Druid Craft is STILL out of stock, I'm angry and frustrated, and new cards will help boost my mood, even if I haven't been using the others lately. They're only $13 anyway, and I have a refund check coming in soon.
*creeps in* Well, hello there :o
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I know how you feel because I went through this myself and then resigned myself to just "conforming" and doing what I had to do to just earn money. However, look at it in a way that yes, maybe temporarily you will have to do all the kinds of work you don't want to do, but in the meantime you can spend any free time (staying up late, weekends etc) doing the work you do want to do. If you work on slowly doing what you really want and gradually get it out there, you can build up a reputation and eventually you'll be able to do more of what you want and less of what you don't. The point I'm trying to make is, to get to that point you need to lay a lot of foundations to get there.
You've probably already read about what I've written, I'm doing the same thing; working on a long time dream and in the meantime, I have to work on projects I don't want to do -but- I'm hoping that I can start doing more of what I love as time passes. Just have to be patient :/
x
As much as you probably don't want to hear this, I think I'd have to agree with what Lulu said. Trust me, I know how much it sucks having to suck it up and get through all the stuff we really don't want to do, just to finally be able to get to the point where we can do all the stuff we really want to do.
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