The Depths

"The Guardian" - by Rassouli

I'm very good at distracting myself.

If I ever feel weighed down, gloomy, miserable, angry, agitated... I occupy myself with something artsy, fun, or creative, and push such feelings down into the depths, where they linger until something sets them aflame. I forget about it all until I return to reality.

Yeah. I'm kind of hating on life at the moment. No, that's incorrect. I'm  hating on the life that our current society has built. And what's sad is that if I said such things to most people in this world, they would tell me that I'm being unrealistic, immature, childish, irresponsible. They would tell me that I need to grow up, that life is harsh and unfair, and that we must do things we don't want to do in order to proceed on our paths. 

Is this really the way I have to live? Hasn't Adonai had enough of this silly little game? 

I'm growing bored. And antisocial. All I want to do is stay holed up in my room all day, doing everything I love. Everything that I've learned for myself has just faded away, it seems. There are some instances where I call upon my inner power, but the rest... the awareness, the concept of experience - dissolved into dust. I keep reminding myself that it's worth it, but is it really? I look over at my neighbor's house and think: there's a family in there. A hardworking family, maybe, with a couple of kids and a couple of dogs. Like any other family, those kids are going to school, those parents are working to maintain the household, and those dogs are free to do whatever they please. They don't have to worry about who takes care of their house, or who pays the bills, or who locks the doors at night. They're free to be who they are.

Why? Why can't we live like that anymore? It's downright sickening and it pulls at my heart.This whole silly game of making sacrifices, playing along with the system, trying to encourage people to change... I think we've had enough of it. Yes, I suppose this could suggest my role here is to serve as a catalyst, but at this point, I'm tired of trying to be someone. I'm tired of trying to serve some sort of divine purpose, of trying to make a mark on the world, of trying to change things. 

And yet, if I choose to just live, I would still be part of this society I don't resonate with. Talk about freedom. This is literally enslavement. It's like that quote I found on tumblr: "You don't need a job. You are forced to have one in order to survive. That isn't freedom; that's a threat."

Yes, it's a big issue. And the unfortunate thing is that people don't like change. To quote Heroes (which I've been watching again recently):  

We are, if anything, creatures of habit. Drawn to the safety and the comfort of the familiar. But what happens when the familiar becomes unsafe? When the fear that we've been desperately trying to avoid, finds us where we live?

At this point, I really do hope something "big" happens - just so things can change. So things can be purified and renewed. 

I haven't been keeping up with this blog only because I had nothing to contribute but complaints and low energy. But noting such things is essential, I suppose, so I might as well vent a little. It seems to me my problem at present is viewing things from an ego-based perspective. At the same time, though, the truest aspect of myself is in pain, because it doesn't like how things are. It doesn't like to see people stressed, suffering, afraid, angry, driven to exhaustion. As much as I'm inclined to go "big picture" and see everything from Adonai's point of view, I can't help but want to do something. Unfortunately, I can't seem to figure out what that something is. 

In other news, I canceled my order for the Druid Craft deck because Amazon emailed me today saying they still haven't acquired more copies (it's been a month since I placed the order), and I figured since I bought Wildwood instead (and am receiving it today), I could just forget about Druid Craft. I do favor Wildwood over DC; plus, DC has larger cards, which makes it a bit more awkward to handle.

These days consist of two things: schoolwork and GW2. I have been thinking about Crucible, though, because GW2 has brought me buttloads of inspiration. Ugh. Why can I never just sit down and focus on one thing?

Well. Because it's MLK, everyone's off, so I need to run and finish up homework so I can spend the rest of my day playing GW with the bro. 

Please, oh please, don't let Dad ask about what I'm getting today. I don't think he's aware of my tarot/oracle collection, and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

Pah.