Born Free

"Born Free" - by Rassouli

Today was a pretty good last day. I ended up with an A in Computer Art, which I wasn't expecting. Critique in Illustration was pleasant and my portrait of my classmate was well-received. And last... I got an 85 on my Italian Renaissance exam, which didn't put me at an A in the class. But I told myself I would receive one A this quarter, and I got it. So I'm satisfied.

Like always, it never feels like it's over. I don't think it'll feel over until a few weeks from now, when all the loose ends are tied and I'm knee-deep in all the things I've been saving for my time off. I'd like to give myself a few days to recover, but I don't think I need it. I'd like to stay active because I'm not in a creative slump right now... I need to take advantage of this flowing creativity while I still have it. And then when the silence comes, I'll rest. And play Guild Wars. Hah.

I wasn't entirely happy to come home early and have my mom tell me she's disappointed in me, but you know what? I can't let her drag me down. I find it ironic that my dad's more open to my wanting to explore a different path. I figured my mom of all people would embrace my wanting to be adventurous, my wanting to do what makes me happy. But I guess not. Perhaps in time she'll come to understand. Until then, I need to ensure she doesn't affect my momentum. 

I wanted to make a general list of things I'd like to accomplish over the next few months. I did this last summer and found that I didn't stick to such a list, but I'm feeling better about one this year because I feel more passionate.

• I need to clean my room. Big time. In fact, I've been looking forward to this, because it's gotten to the point where I have to dig for certain things. Also, I feel like this would be a good symbolic act of "purification," of starting a new path. 
• The children's book(s) with L. I'm going to have to see if L really wants my work for his book, but if this does come through, I'd like to put my heart into it.
• Book cover(s) for R. Same as above. 
• Working on my reading skills. I'll be doing this consistently for a while, but it's nice to write it down to remind myself that I'm getting better and will gain that specificity skill with more practice.
• Experimenting with art readings. I don't want to get too experimental just for the sake of being "unique," but I do want to find a good niche and see if I can keep up with "fresh" readings - things you wouldn't normally see.
• Experimenting with art in general. After taking two Materials and Techniques classes for illustration, I feel much more inclined to experiment. I'm at that odd place where I have a style, but it requires much more improvement. That only comes with lots and lots of drawing... so I bought myself a couple of new sketchbooks today, and I intend to fill them.
• Meditation. I've been slacking these past few days since I've been finishing up school, but I need to really focus on this. I realize that my best results come while I'm in a state of deep meditation, so the more I practice getting into this state, the better results I'll have for readings, and even self-discovery.
• Writing. I need to be strict and finish a freaking story. Then, I need to figure out whether I want to publish through an agent, or just try to publish on my own. Since I won't be in school for a while, I don't see the problem with staying up late and working my little arse off. 
• Meeting new people / networking. I need to start getting out and finding those groups/meetups related to my interests. It'll be a solid way for people to get to know me and what it is I do. Internet may be useful, but nothing beats a face-to-face connection.

I'm sure there are a few things I haven't thought of, but that's most of it in a nutshell. It'd be best to start getting my name out there as soon as possible, because I'm sure this upcoming year will freaking fly by, and I need my feelings to be resolute by the time next year comes. I don't want to be sitting there next spring stuck because I don't know whether I should go back to school or drop out entirely. The sooner I know this is "my path," the better.

Should I expect things to end up this way? Probably not. That'll most likely be my future "big obstacle..." A much bigger decision than simply taking a year off.

So there you have it. Time to open a new door. I do admit I'm feeling a little nervous; I was used to the comfort and familiarity of attending school on a regular basis. But that's all part of the adventure... which is my keyword for 2013.

Bring it on!  

A Cycle Completed

by haimeart @ deviantART

We've reached the end, ladies and gents.

Tomorrow marks the last day of the quarter. After a presentation, a critique, and a handful of exams, I'll be free. It's fabulous, but also kind of nerve-wracking, because I realize that I need to make as much progress as possible over the next year. I need to get involved and put my name out there to see if this truly is the path I'm supposed to be taking right now. I don't know what will happen, and that in itself is exciting; however, there's still a part of me that's trying to swallow those last few doubts: what if I don't end up as successful as I've anticipated?

I think a lot of my previous sitters will be bothered by the fact that I won't be offering free readings anymore. For the past two years, they've mooched off me, and so far, only two have openly stated they'd be willing to pay me for my time and energy (and they're both good friends - go figure). I've already expressed my feelings about this, so I won't go into detail... but yeah. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to advertise, since I've only really made a name for myself around SF, one tiny corner of the world.

I like to think it'll all work out. 

I've been practicing my reading skills as often as I can - mainly trying to utilize the Dream tool, but the problem with the Dream is that it (A) requires me to be in a meditative state, and (B) doesn't work well over chat. (A) poses a problem because it's hard to anticipate a time when I won't be interrupted or distracted by my parents, who often come upstairs to visit or call for me from downstairs for some random reason. I'm kind of sitting on my hands at the moment because I'm anticipating the day I live alone and won't have to worry about this... Until then, though, I have to work around this issue by doing Dream readings in the morning or when both of my parents are gone. As for (B), well, I've found that working within the Dream is quite tricky while simultaneously typing in a chat room. I like to be fully immersed within the experience for the best results, and when I have to consciously think about typing, pressing enter, wondering if pressing enter actually worked, typos, and whatever else, it's... well... distracting. PMs are better because at least I can vomit all my text into a page and take my time fixing typos without worrying whether the sitter can make sense of it all. 

It is working, though. Now I'm just trying to practice it and determine whether it's possible for me to not be in a meditative state while doing it. I'm thinking that eventually I might be able to slip in between Dream and awareness without losing the connection. But that's what I have guinea pigs for, I guess.

Dang. My perspective has shifted so much again. I've been channeling bits with the guidance of my perspective family, and some interesting things have been coming through... things that I of course resonate with. But I love this, because for the first time ever, I find I can fully appreciate a person. This makes readings kind of interesting, though. Exploring another's perspective and history... it's all so vast and intriguing. As I move more into this area, I realize that this fresh and improved perspective will be extremely beneficial for my reading business, because unlike other readers, who like to project their beliefs onto sitters/clients, or base their readings on "common knowledge" (like guides, karma, lessons, past lives, etc.), I will be focusing entirely on the sitter and his/her beliefs. Because I see in the moment that all realities exist. 

Speaking of common knowledge, I had a revelation while in bed last night, inspired by yesterday's channeling: a lot of what we call "spirituality" is yet another control system. It's basically a religion without a fancy name. When you think about all the bits that come with "common spiritual knowledge," such as having soul contracts, karma, lessons, needing to reach enlightenment, and so on, it doesn't seem all that different from any other religion. You have contracts and plans and "bad karma" to fix because you were naughty, and the only way to be truly free and avoid more incarnations is to reach this certain state of "light." 

Hmm... that sounds strangely reminiscent of a certain global religion.

Ah, well. All part of the experience.

Creativity flows through me, but I'm in this odd sort of state where I don't know exactly where to exert that energy. I wonder if it has anything to do with school. Perhaps after tomorrow I'll feel lighter and more willing just to spend all that creative energy. I spent some of it writing last night, but I actually wanted to paint, because I have Photoshop now (at least until I graduate or leave school), and I downloaded all these nice brushes that will be very useful for my art readings. However, I didn't have the motivation to pull down my tablet and start drawing. 

Soon enough, I guess.

I really only have one thing to do today: finish my illustration project, which is 95% done. I just have some acrylic touch-ups to do, and I'm finished. I'm pretty darn satisfied with the result. I just hope my professor feels the same. It'd be nice to have an A on something for once. I should also try and study for my Italian Renaissance exam, but you know... I'm so done. I want to try hard if only to push that 89.3 to an 89.5 (I believe she said she rounds up). I'm just beyond studying now. I've never been a good with studying. I either remember something worthwhile or I don't. And when I'm presented with a list of over 30 artworks, plus Italian names, plus dates, plus locations and other miscellaneous details, I tend to get overwhelmed. 

But I'll try. I'll get that A, damn it, even if it's only a letter. 

Evaah out.  

Archetypes

In between homework, I decided to do some research on archetypes and ended up doing an archetype chart for myself. I followed along with the way Caroline Myss explains it, although I added several more archetypes to the ones she lists on her site. This is what I came up with:

1. Personality, Ego: The face you present to the outside world - Hero
2. Life Values: Ownership, finances, relationship to earthly power - Visionary/Dreamer
3. Self-Expression, Siblings: Power of choice - Monk/Nun
4. Home: Establishing emotional foundation - Shapeshifter
5. Creativity, Good Fortune: Creativity, sexuality, and synchronicity - Druid
6. Occupation and Health: Seeking security in physical world - Artist
7. Relationships: Marriage and partnerships - Guide / Spiritual Master
8. Other People's Resources: Stocks, inheritance, death, and closure - Magical Child
9. Spirituality: Wisdom, publishing, travel - Liberator
10. Highest Potential: Completing integration of self - Historian
11. World Interaction: Relating creativity to humanity - Muse
12. The Unconscious - Wounded Child

I'm quite intrigued by this. The process includes self-examination, selecting 12 archetypes that you really feel best describe you (ones you can identify patterns with, etc.), and then using intuition (and the power of coincidence / spiritual order), to pair each archetype with a house. I chose the five Jules mentioned in her reading, because I felt those were very resonant: Artist, Hero, Shapeshifter, Wounded Child, and Monk. Then, after much contemplation, I chose on my own: Visionary/Dreamer, Druid, Guide/Spiritual Master, Magical Child, Liberator, Historian, and Muse. It was quite the challenge to pick only 12. I think I had a pile of almost 20 that I felt I could apply to; I had to really sit there and contemplate the associations of each archetype.

I'd say all of these are extremely resonant except for 4, 8, and 10. In Jules' reading, she mentioned that Shapeshifter was in the house of World Interaction. What does astral projection/lucid dreaming/etc have to do with the home and emotional foundations? Is it metaphorical, as in doing these things will connect me to Source Self? Am I to presume that, unlike Jules' perspective, I won't be among a group of friends, but rather on my own in the privacy of home? Hmm..

I'm not sure what role Historian has in Highest Potential. Jules mentioned Artist being in Highest Potential, but I find it fitting in Occupation, seeing how I will probably be doing all creative work to sustain myself. I only chose Historian because I have a tendency to want to observe the past and apply it to my current understanding...especially when it comes to ancient cultures. I also like keeping records.  But now that I think about it, perhaps I should've chosen something else, because I don't think it's one of my primary archetypes. Oh, well. This whole thing is more about a bit of extra insight... I obviously won't confine myself to these labels.

As for house 8, I'm not quite sure how Magical Child - who believes in endless possibilities and has a strong association with the imagination - relates to Other People's Resources. Not exactly making the connection there. Maybe it'll make sense later?

Everything else is pretty spot-on. Now the question is: would I be willing to try archetype readings for others? I'm not sure how accurate I would be if I pulled the cards as though I'm pulling tarot. I imagine it's essentially the same thing, but apparently, archetype charts are like natal charts in that they're meant to be drawn up once. 

Maybe I can request a few guinea pigs to see how that would work out. I don't know if I'd pick them from SF, though, since Jules is already doing mini-ones there. Hmm.

Interesting stuff, that's for sure. 

Janus

"Thor" - by Carina Jorgensen

I recently felt inclined to reread the majority of my posts in the Burrow back at SF. In doing so, I came across a prominent piece of information.

There was a dream I had several months ago back when I didn't feel Spike around that much. Here's a snippet:

We rode [the slides] again, came back around, and saw the (attractive) blue-black character who I think may have been Spike "disguised," for a few reasons. One, because as I passed him, I was so surprised to see him that I called out: "JANUS?!" Two, because the primary color I associate with his energy is blue. Three, he was dressed in a very expressive style, which aligns with the guise he normally wears for me. And four, because he didn't say a word - merely smiled.

In this post, I had also mentioned how I was wanting the boys to come visit me in my dream. So at the time, I felt like Spike had visited me - just in a different guise.

I had this dream in late July, but as I read it today, something "clicked" for me. I never dwelled much on this dream, nor did I ever really contemplate the guise "Spike" wore in it. It's only today that I find myself questioning this and making connections. The name Janus now feels quite significant and resonant. I already knew about the Roman god of time, doorways, transitions, and beginnings... but doing some research now, I'm not finding all that much information.

So who is Janus? If that character really was one of Spike's guises, why did he use that name? See, back in July, I didn't dwell much on this, because I didn't know what to make of it. I just assumed it was Spike and was happy as a result. But after spending the last several months developing and embracing a new perspective, I see new information being revealed here.

At first, I considered that Janus may be a distinct energy; however, my intuition disagrees with this. Recently - within the past few weeks - I came to that realization about having multiple or infinite aspects of the Source self. I'm beginning to feel Janus is one of Spike's aspects. Both Janus and Spike have similar - if not the same - energy... but I think whereas Spike embodies light, Janus embodies shadow. Because of the nature of our relationship, and my development, I never witnessed a darker side to Spike. Perhaps now, after all I've faced, I'm finally ready to know about this shadow aspect. 

I have more exploration to do on this subject, but I figured I'd mention it while it was fresh on the mind. And guess what? I only started thinking about this today; however, I come home, check tumblr, and find a reference to Janus on my dash (a two-faced skull thing with his name in the caption).

What are the odds of that? I have never ever seen Janus on tumblr. 

Figures.

In other news, I'm finally down to one more week of school. Two more class days, and I'll be free. There is a lot in motion right now (another reason why this "reappearance" of Janus is appropriate), and I'm trying my best to not get swept up in it. My weekend will be busy: I have an essay to write and a website to pretty much finish (I only started the real deal in class today...). But hell - I'll make it happen. This is all I have left. Then, I can focus on the things that matter most to me.

For now, though, I have to work on my illustration project before this oil wash dries. Ack. 

The Talk

"Smoking" - by ototoi @ deviantART

Well, I finally had "the talk" with my dad today. I kind of figured I would, since we went to see Star Trek (which was totally cool, by the way) at our nearest IMAX theater a half hour away. 

The topic was actually inadvertently brought up by me, because I had mentioned during lunch how the weather was perfect for writing (it's been storming and raining all day), which led to my dad asking whether I was close to having anything looked at by a publisher/agent. After talking about that for a bit, I told him that writing would probably be something I do on the side, unless it ends up earning me a lot of cash. And that led to the big question:

"Then what's your plan? In an ideal world, what would Evaah be doing?"

And I told him.

I wasn't overly specific; I just said "psychic art" and also mentioned that I would also like to teach down the road. Fortunately, he didn't ask what psychic art encompassed. I wasn't ready to sit there and tell him about auras, past lives, and - Shiva help me - spirit guides. 

My dad is agnostic. And ironically enough, before the film (the talk was after the film), we were discussing religion and how my dad feels like he shouldn't waste his time chasing the truth because he knows he's never going to find it out. So with that in mind, I'd rather not make myself look even more like a fool in his eyes by explaining these things to him. 

But you know something? He actually seemed open to what I was telling him. Of course, he was still trying to make me see life from a "realistic" point of view, and convince me that art school is still worth my time because it can get me connections and a well-paying job, but after I explained my feelings, he told me that if, by chance, some aspect of this psychic art thing can really make me stand out from the rest, he'd be willing to support me.

That made me even more hopeful.

I never enjoy talks like those because I always end up flustered. I say the wrong things and make myself sound like an idiot. I can tell my attitude has changed, though - even as he challenged me, I didn't feel the slightest urge to cry. I felt resolute and very sure of myself and my decision. That's progress. I'm proud of myself.

So that's another step down. Now that my dad is much more informed, I can continue making progress with my research and website and hopefully convince him that I (A) won't stay cooped up in the house all day and (B) will build strong foundations for myself and be successful on this path. Will it be easy? Probably not. But at least I've passed the hardest step - telling my dad - and can look forward to some exploration time and adventure as I determine whether this path is as fruitful as the universe says. 

The doors have opened. Now let's see what they all have to offer. 

Working for the Masses

"Princess Light" - by Josephine Wall

I had a realization dropped into my head a couple of days ago, although it was particularly stimulated by a conversation I was having with a couple of ladies in SF chat last night.

But before I get to that, I wanted to mention a few things. One, I partly remember my dream, which involved me catching a big black spider in my closet, and my brother telling my family that there were going to be nasty storms and "side-effects" for the rest of the week. These both relate to daily life, because I recently told a few friends that I have a huge stack of artwork in my closet that's probably infested with little spiders, and I checked the weather last night to hear about a supposed severe outbreak in the midwest or south or something. There was a bit more to this dream, but I've forgotten it now.

Two, I finally got around to practicing my Dream tool. It was very interesting. I first tried it on one of the people on my reading list, and all of my findings were accurate, with the exception of one thing that the sitter couldn't identify on spot. I then tried it on WW, who is one of my guinea pigs for nailing specific details, and was able to give him a reading about his previous past life, which was pretty darn accurate, too. There were a few details that he wasn't able to confirm right away, but he said he'd consult his team and get back to me on that.

Wow. 

The Dream method is a lot more interesting to me than just sitting and waiting for information to come. It gets me involved and allows me to flex my visualization and daydreaming skills (it's totally a skill). In a nutshell, I visualize myself in an etheric form and enter the sitter's "Dream" (a melting pot of images, experiences, sounds, feelings, etc. from his/her existence), which I can relate to a personal world or universe. Sometimes I bring along a guide energy (in WW's PL reading I took Pierre along). I can move between portals that bring me to specific moments or experiences. So yeah, it's pretty fun. I like getting involved in the process. 

I'm hoping to practice a bit more today depending on people who are online and whatnot.

And last, I'm still working on those meditations, but I wanted to mention how amazed I am at my ability to lose focus so quickly. Sometimes I don't even notice at first, because I can do it so subtly. Yes, I'm listening to the sound of a forest stream, and I can hear it, but then my thoughts wander to something related to it, and I don't catch it at first. So I keep having to bring myself back. But I'll get there, dang it!

Now, for the realization. What was that realization? 
I don't need to please the masses.

This whole time, I've been subconsciously convincing myself that I need to be able to be good at all things, so I can increase the number of interested clients (you know, because I want to reassure myself that this will actually bring me profit so I can sustain myself). And this realization hit me big time when I was having a conversation about soul connections and mates and twinflames in chat yesterday. I was telling these ladies that such readings aren't my forte, because I'm not a relationship person and therefore have zero empathy or interest. Unfortunately, questions about love are my most frequent requests, and up until now, I've managed to answer them, but holy crapcakes - it's a very dangerous topic. Say the wrong thing, and... well. You know. People are very passionate about this kind of thing.

I totally understand why I've always felt this way. Like I said above: I need to sustain myself, and I'm afraid that my strong points (self-development, empowerment, etc.) won't interest enough people. And I don't want to end up charging too much just to ensure I make a profit. 

But man, it does me - and others - no good if I'm trying to do something I'm not meant to do. I mean, there's probably a reason why I have no interest in the SCs and TFs and relationship questions. It's not my area! I shouldn't be trying to force myself to do something just for the sake of getting money for it. I need to recognize my strong points and work on those because that's where I'll find my success.

Incidentally, on a similar note, I had a second mini-realization: I've been thinking too much about the profit and skill increase and not so much about the individual. Of course, it's only natural, for the reason listed above, but I think part of my success will be based on my ability to open my heart and read for someone without judgment, without the idea of profit or increasing my skill. Yes, right now I'm trying to work on specifics - that's why I asked for specific guinea pigs who I knew wouldn't really need the "help." But I need to start reminding myself again why it is I'm doing this: to HELP people.

It's okay to think about profit. However, that comes after helping people. And maybe one day, if I find something which can support me enough, I won't have to charge at all (maybe a small bit for traditional works since those actually cost me supply money). 

So that's where I'm at. I'm feeling good about things - more confident. 

Going to see Star Trek early tomorrow morning at IMAX with my padre - hell yes!

Meditations

Whew. There's certainly a lot going on right now. Between finishing up my last couple weeks of school, writing, trying to work on my psychic/intuitive skills, finding reliable people to help me with said skills, trying to plan a website, and a handful of other things... well, I don't ever seem to get a moment's rest.

It's nice to know that I won't ever be bored, but it's gotten to the point where my mind has become increasingly cluttered. As I reach the end of the month, I anticipate "the talk" with my parents - where I'll finally tell them what it is I do and how I want to turn it into a living. I know for a fact that after this quarter ends, my dad will want to start talking about working, etc., and whether I've been thinking about jobs. 

Speaking of clutter, though, I'm really looking forward to cleaning my room. I think that might help with the mental clutter, as well. Thanks to school, my room has become a near danger zone. My parents stub their toes in here all the time. I have no place to put my supplies or completed projects. Mom says that if I'm getting rid of artwork, I should sell it, but that just seems more of a hassle... especially since they're bigger works. I doubt many would even want to buy them. 

Hm.

But also on the topic of mental clutter: I've started my medi sessions again. I do them nightly, and then do them in the morning on my days off, like this morning. Unlike past attempts, where I would just zone out or imagine myself somewhere else, I invite one of the boys in and then listen to a natural sound that corresponds to their element: streams/oceans for Spike, campfires for Pierre, birds and forest sounds for El'azar, and wind chimes/thunder for Leon. I then focus on the sound of that element.

It's been a challenge, what with all that crap on my mind. I was sitting there this morning listening to a trickling stream, and began thinking about GW, writing, and the peeps on SF I've been talking to. But it's all about the intention. So long as I keep bringing myself back to focus, I'll eventually get better. I just have to keep this up. No excuses. Unfortunately, nighttime meditation takes away from my reading time. I used to read a chapter of something before bed - not only to help me fall asleep, but to help me with my writing. Now, I'm going to have to find some other time to read.

That's okay, though, because even a few minutes of reading a day will do.

And speaking of reading/writing, my inspiration has been flowing. I missed this so much. I completed an entire outline in a few days, and have proceeded to begin a first draft. I haven't worked out a lot of world-related stuff, but that's okay - I just want to see how a first draft comes out. Then, I can work on the world-building a bit more. 

Swoon.

My cards have been calling me. I have them in a nice sturdy box now, and they sit a foot away from me... I want to read with them, but I need to finish my previous reading list before I can do that. Fortunately, I haven't been inclined to buy any new decks. 

I have to admit I'm a little intimidated by that reading list because I still have about 15 people to read for, and I'm still not getting the details that I want. I was wondering if I should just have a list of questions that correspond to the nature of the reading, because it seems like just sitting and waiting for specific details to come to me isn't working all that well. Maybe it'd be better if I asked a specific question and then see what comes up. 

Gah, I don't know. What I do know is that I have a handful of people who are willing to help me develop my skills by confirming accuracy or inaccuracy. I specifically asked for people who were aware of such things as guide energies, past lives, source self aspects, and so on... and got about 7-8 interested folks. I have yet to sit down with any of them, though, because I've been occupied. 

Damn it, I can do this. I've got the shapeshifter energy behind me. It's in my energetic blood to be able to do this. I am not less than - I have this capability within me.   
 

Evanescence

First things first: my brother left yesterday, so I have my sanity and privacy back... for the most part. Also, I had an interesting dream this morning, which felt like an odd blend of all sorts of components. The name Chloe was in it. There was traffic. I was at school with Dani and N. It was just all over the place. And now I obviously don't remember enough to make any sort of interpretation.

I miss being able to recall most of my dreams in stunning detail. I wonder if that ability will return once I'm done with school.

But the main theme of this post is self. I've begun thinking deeply about all the things I've learned about myself from a spiritual context. The SF chat room kind of encouraged this, too, what with one member describing how she (well, I guess "he") steals bodies as the result of a curse, and another asking me to see what I could pick up from a soul connection who was ignoring her. It got me thinking about what embodies "Evaah."

As you can imagine, things have shifted dramatically in my head after receiving that archetype reading from Jules. For the longest time, I always saw myself as that "shapeshifter" - one who traversed dimensions with ease, who held tremendous spiritual power, and so on. So to finally receive a confirmation that I wasn't just imagining things - that has been a catalyst for me. It gives me confidence that with enough practice, devotion, and discipline, (Monk shining through), I'll reach my full potential and truly embody Evaah, or even Andromeda.

Evaah and Andromeda... I always considered Evaah my "energy name" (or soul name; I just don't like using the word soul much anymore). It has roots to Eve, or life, and it felt like the perfect, short and sweet name for my energy, which yearns to live and embrace existence. But then I had to pick an "artist name," and stumbled across Andromeda, which I also resonate very strongly with (it feels very powerful).

Out of curiosity, I did a bit of research on Andromedan starseeds. But the thing about those "what kind of starseed are you?" sites is that their descriptions are so vague and can apply to pretty much all people in one area or another. So that didn't do me much good. I just wanted to see if perhaps there was a reason I'm so drawn to the name - like how I'm drawn to the name Adonai or Phineas.

While I was falling asleep last night, I was listening to some tunes to practice a bit of semi-meditation. I decided to see what I looked like as my true self, but I found that I couldn't stick with just one "form." It kept shifting, from masculine to feminine to genderless, long "hair," short "hair," radiating golden light, white light, purple energy... and then I remembered something I told someone at SF recently:

The majority of us feel we are of an infinite energy. We are each our own distinct perspective, but we are composed of many aspects. You wouldn't just express one aspect of yourself to others, would you?

Of course. There's so much to us that obviously can't be expressed in a single image. I've actually been thinking about that in regard to spirit art, but that's a different story and I won't go there right now. 

This is the first baby step... back into the world of self-discovery. I even thought about Eron again, because dragon imagery has been making a return, and since I do consider Zenoheria one of my "aspects" for obvious reasons, I figured it might be good to connect to his energy again. And Pierre's, of course.

I'll probably elaborate on this later. I got distracted and now my thoughts aren't flowing as well. Dang.  

I definitely need to meditate. 

Kinship

A bit of expansion on yesterday's thoughts...

I wanted to contemplate my family for a bit. After Jules' reading, I find myself thinking about all sorts of things.. but once again, the timing is perfect. I received this reading right when my brother is visiting, which means I have  direct examples of the trials associated with the Wounded Child archetype that showed up for me. 

I mentioned before - in other posts besides the last one - that I feel at odds with my family. Like Jules said: I ended up - and still do end up - screwed over in a variety of ways... mainly because of the presence of my brother in the family, but also because my interests and perspective differ greatly from those of my parents. This has left me feeling like a huge anomaly. My family is grounded, practical, material. They are concerned only for themselves, their survival, their happiness, their financial security. 

I'm reminded of the times I used to read about "starchildren" and how one of the "symptoms" was feeling homesick for some other world, or feeling out-of-place within your family... as though your family wasn't truly "yours." The latter bit describes how I'm feeling perfectly. I've always felt this to some degree as I was growing up, but it's only in recent years - obviously - that these feelings are becoming more intense. Every kid at one point wonders if they're adopted, but there were times when I was younger when I was seriously giving it some thought - not only because I looked different from my parents (my brother and I share some similarities), but also because I had trouble connecting with them. Being one-upped by my brother never helped. I was always the stubborn, grumpy, unrealistic child who devoted her life to being responsible for herself and her parents. The big introvert, the last resort. 

My dad came into my room last night asking if I wanted to join in on board games. I declined for three reasons: one, because I've grown a bit tired of board games; two, because I was with the new friend I made on GW; and three, because I knew what kind of comments, criticisms, and jokes would be made based on me being there, and I didn't want to deal with that. And when my dad said in reply: "You don't want to play board games with your family?" I swear the thought popped into my head: "You're not my family."

I do feel a little bad for thinking that, but you know something? Blood means nothing to me. If my family doesn't treat me kindly - if they don't show me respect - then I won't shrug it off so easily just because they're "family." I won't hold grudges against them, but for the past 20 years, I've gone in circles with my family, trying to earn the same degree of love and appreciation as my brother, and I'm growing tired. 

Like Jules' reading suggests: I need to work on forgiveness. But the way I see it: I feel no need to involve my family in my life... not when they treat me as the anomaly to be teased and criticized and ultimately "improved."

The other night - a night when I had school the next day - I was trying to fall asleep, but because my brother was talking to my parents across the hall, I couldn't. So I got out of bed, opened the door, and asked them politely to close their door or something, not bothering to put on my glasses. After staring at me for a few moments, my brother says: "You look Jewish." 

And everyone in the room starts laughing.

It's not the first time that my brother has said this to me. And any chance he can belittle, tease, or casually insult me, he takes it.  But this... this pushed my buttons. Here I am, trying to respectfully ask for some quiet so that I can get enough sleep for school, and I get teased? These people definitely can't fit my shoe size. They don't seem to have the slightest idea.

My brother...I find it awfully hypocritical when he gets offended that I don't want him in my room hanging out. I don't want to hear his boasts, criticisms, or intrusive comments, but sure, firstborn - go right ahead and take offense. Your contentment is paramount, of course.

I keep thinking about the future. If my parents remain overseas for the majority of the time, then I won't see them often. Will this make me happy? It seems like it would. I wouldn't have to involve them in my life. Just ask them a few questions about homes and cars and finances every now and then, but otherwise... I want them out. I don't see myself contacting them - or my brother - often while on my own. Why should I? They don't care. I'm sick of the weird looks and sighs of frustration. 

These people may have raised me, but as days pass, I'm finding it much more difficult to accept them as "family." I know I sound a bit typical and whiny, but this Wounded Child archetype is something I have to work on, and I'm taking Jules' advice about the ranty letters (or in this case, blog posts) because writing seems to work best for venting. Maybe some rituals really are in order.

I hope to one day discover my true family... one who will embrace me for who I am and what I strive for. In the meantime, I have to work on forgiving my own blood.

 

The Monk, Hero, and Shapeshifter

Remember when I mentioned that person on SF who was giving "archetype" readings?

Well, I kind of asked for one.

It was tempting. And the timing seemed perfect. I had heard such good things, and I wondered what would come up.

Long story short, I was very impressed, and a bit taken aback. Here's what she came up with:


I was an fine arts student when I was your age! You don't have the obnoxious inhibitions I had, so I am happy that you are enjoying expressing your artistic talent.

You already know that you have the Artist archetype, which is a gifted archetype. Yours resides in your 10th House of Career and Highest Potential. Wherever life takes you, you will be very creative in your expression of your potential.

The newly awakened Monk archetype in your 6th House of Work and Labor is pushing you to dig deeper into the mysteries of life and spirit, and to seek peace and quiet. It is time for you to make a practice of daily meditation. You will keep getting this message everywhere you turn until you do! Stop judging your meditations because they are about disciplining your mind to focus, and that's it. The wonderful benefits of meditation will come with daily practice, and they will subtly sneak up on you. Sure, you may have some transcendent moments while you are meditating, but the real benefits come with the spiritual healings your guides give you during your meditations as a reward for your daily practice. You are very demanding upon yourself to master anything you attempt, but meditation will not satisfy this ego's need because it is a PRACTICE and a DISCIPLINE. If you do it everyday, even if you do it "badly," you will be victorious in keeping your Monk archetype in Light Attribute, and feeling at peace with your life. Please require yourself to meditate a minimum of 24 minutes each day, (using a muffled timer if you need to stay on schedule). Straight or stoned, do it anyway. You do your best work when you are in a state of waking meditation, so do your daily practice and someday you will always be in meditation, and always calm and peaceful. (Has the daily practice thing been stressed enough yet?)

Anyway, your Monk archetype joins your very diligent Hero archetype in this, your House of Work. Heroes set lofty goals and challenges for themselves and champion noble causes. They are wonderful role models to other people because of their great achievements. All of the ascended masters bear the Hero archetype, and you were born with it so we know you're a go-getter. Keep up the good work!

You do need to work on something to get out of your own way: your Wounded Child archetype in your 8th House of Shared Resources is in Shadow Attribute because you were screwed over at home in so many ways. You can be a whiny baby when things aren't fair because your roommates aren't pulling their weight financially or doing their chores. It is very painful for you because it's more of the same that you grew up with. You have to forgive everyone that has been so unfair to you. Not for them....for you. Better roommates are coming in the future if you do your forgiveness work. You need to vent your negative feelings, but not directly to these individuals because you might hurt them (and you don't want to hurt anyone, if you can help it). You know how to work with rituals, so fully express your pain and frustrations towards the offending individuals in a ritual to satisfy the feelings stuffed in your astral field. Write them nasty letters, but never mail them. Burn them. Scream at them in your imagination if you have to, (you know, out loud somewhere where other people can't hear you), and this will satisfy your need to release those feelings. When you are spent, forgive them and let them go. Once this is done you will find that you can express your displeasure with your lazy or incompetent roommates in a mature and practical way that will get some results. Otherwise, you just get chided for being a grump, and nothing changes. I know, it's a lot to do, and you are very busy. If it takes all year, get it done.

You can look forward to a most remarkable archetype awakening in your late twenties: the Shapeshifter!! You lucky dog! With this gifted archetype, you will be able to traverse various dimensions, astral travel, do remote viewing, initiate telepathic conversations, read the Akashic Records, lucid dream, and change and disguise your astral form when you astral travel or lucid dream. That is so cool! You are going to have so much fun with it! It will awaken in your 11th House of Groups and Friends, so you will be hanging out with other Shapeshifters, sharing adventures and stories. What a blast!

I hope this reading was beneficial and seemed accurate to you. You have some wild adventures ahead. 

I think this is tremendously cool. I don't know how she does it, but she even answered questions I had about myself. It's all so perfect, even if "archetypes" do tend to box people a bit. As you can imagine, I'm quite excited about that Shapeshifter archetype. All the things she listed are things I desperately want to be able to do. To me, that's a sign that things will be going my way in the future. 

I told her I had to laugh at the Monk type and the whole meditation spiel. Over and over I receive the impulses and signs to meditate, but I always feel too drained, or my mind is always active. Then again, it's as she says: meditation is simply disciplining the mind to focus. I do that when I draw.

Hero was something I kind of expected, seeing how I'm so determined to change the world. And Wounded Child.. ahaha. Perfect.

Man, I'm kind of psyched now. No wonder people were raving about this lovely lady. This reading actually has me excited about myself and my future. Sweet!

In other news, my brother leaves on Sunday, which has got me somewhat relieved. I hate to say it, but as I've mentioned before: my brother reawakens all the things that make me feel distant from my so-called family. I swear, the more days that pass, the less I feel like I'm related to them. 

Thanks to my wonderful sense of time management, and some lucky breaks, I only have one thing to focus on this weekend: that panel for Italian Renaissance. It won't even take that much work... I think the biggest challenge will be designing that damned quatrefoil shape. I have no idea how I'm going to do that. 

I was supposed to be having a sushi lunch with my brother today, but he and my parents decided to go this German restaurant for dinner instead. I was kind of hurt when I heard about it, to be honest. That's fine, though. If anything, I'll probably be playing GW2 with a new friend I made. 

Will save the other bits for later posts.   

Opportunities

by Rajiv Pathak

I had a couple of readings yesterday, and wanted to jot down a few of the themes that came up:

•  A small opportunity arising that can grow into something significant (referred to as a "golden" opportunity in the second reading)
• Feeling fired up with passion and energy in the near future
• Feeling imprisoned / like a victim as well as feeling poor, but it's probably not as bad as I think, and it's time for a plan
• Laying foundations in the home/career environment
• Hopes and fears based on an old problem - something that feels like a burden
• Outcome for this whole situation: nothing but positivity. 
• Having a eureka moment / all the answers
• I will soon feel ecstatic and well on my way to a new life
• I can't seem to get through to someone I love 
• May be feeling blocked but all will be revealed with patience
• I need to stop "pretending" I'm less than

I found this very intriguing. As for the outcome of my situation, I received:

•  Financial security coming / positive financial situation
• Opportunity to get in touch with higher talents and creativity
• Matching the flow of the universe
• Life is shooting forward
• Positive emotional experience that takes off

Once again, I get nothing but good energy surrounding this. I'm amazed. And what's interesting is that in two separate readings, I received a bit about an opportunity arising... Today I check SF and find that a friend of mine whom I haven't spoken with in a while PMed me asking whether I'd be interested in illustrating his children's book. He had mentioned the book thing to me a long while ago but I didn't realize he was serious about having me illustrate it. At first, I was a little hesitant because children's books aren't really my thing, but he described the story and how it was more suited to older children/teenagers.. which means I wouldn't have to illustrate in an actual childlike style, but could work on something more mature - something that matches my natural style. 

I'm not sure whether this is the "opportunity" that the readings were referring to; however, the timing (a day later?) really caught my attention. I told him I was interested in experimenting with it but because I'm finishing up the last 4 weeks of school, I wouldn't be able to start that experimenting until June. 

This is interesting. Of course, if this actually works out, then I'm going to have to start thinking about how I want to present myself. That also means I'm going to have to work out a Paypal or something...

I'm nervous but excited at the same time. It's my first real "freelance" job, as it were, and I'm curious to see if it helps strengthen my presence in the creative world... if it'll open any doors. I'm actually also doing a book cover for another person at SF who's writing a semi-autobiography...

Who knew? Spirit art on SF led to this. Now I wonder how much more it could lead to. 

I'm so grateful. 

Speaking of artsy stuff... I've been on a roll with my writing this weekend. That also makes me happy. I spent most of the day yesterday world-building. I noticed that this new approach - a cleaner, less complicated plot - is making it a hell of a lot easier to write. I guess I bit off more than I could chew these last... four years. I always wanted to write some big epic fantasy-esque series with an elaborate storyline and rich history, but that was the wrong choice for a first novel. For now, I'll stick with simple. Simple is working. And I feel like the story is original enough. 

I saw Iron Man 3 with my dad and brother last night. It was pretty stinkin' good, although the theater was gross. I'd actually like to see it again, but I don't know when I'd do that. When it comes to film and TV and books, I'm both incredibly picky and easily impressed. I have a selection of things I'd like to see/read about, and if a few of those things are present in the film or book, I'll probably end up liking it. My dad had a minor nitpick: he said he didn't like how Tony had ended up a "martial artist" - you know, because he was really only supposed to be this genius who specialized in technology and weapons (I haven't read any Marvel comics so I don't know the real story). But otherwise, dad enjoyed it, too. 

Now I'm just waiting for Star Trek. And no, not because Benedict Cumberbatch is in it. I would've been just as eager to see it if he wasn't in it. 

I spent the entirety of my day making progress on that children's book cover, so I'm off to write now.

Within the Dream

"Shores of Heaven" - by Rassouli

It's 9 o' clock already? Where did my freaking day go?

..Eh. It's all good. I actually had a pretty decent day, despite losing a few hours to my make-up class, which was fascinating, as usual. Plus, I'm on a bit of a roll with my world-building, which always equals happy times for me. 

I like progress.

I guess that's why I'm so antsy and moody right now in regard to changing courses. Nothing's really happening, so I'm kind of stuck in this worrying mode. That's why I detest this society: we're forced to live in the future, and living in the future means I have to worry about something. Deadlines, projects, how I'm going to sustain myself... 

But that's not what this post is about. 

Instead, I'm focusing on an area pertaining to my readings. As I stated before, I'm a little (okay, a lot) doubtful about them. I want to be specific. I want to be able to give great amounts of detail. I read a post earlier on SF: someone I had read for in the past was talking about this other member who's giving "archetype" readings (it all sounds fancy but interesting at the same time - I'm kind of considering asking for one...). She quoted:

I usually receive vague readings here on SF.. as a spiritually developed being I am able to see what is me and what isn't me...

This reading was one of the best - most accurate and put down on words that I haven't seen before...

Now, I obviously can't recall all the readings I ever gave to people. In fact, I had to double-check my files to see if I had ever given this person an art reading. It turns out I did: once. An aura reading. I felt a bit relieved because I know my aura readings tend to be a bit more spot-on (they're not like guide portraits where the sitters go: "I don't know my guides, but I guess this resonates!"). What I'm saying is that I felt... ashamed that I'm not any better than I am.

I know that sounds foolish, and I'm sure a handful of people back at SF would try and convince me otherwise, but it's the truth. I'm about to be charging people for my services. You have those who argue that charging for such services is unethical, and while I technically agree, this is going to be my life, and for the unforeseeable future, I'm going to have to sustain myself. So if I'm going to have to charge, I want my work to be worth it.  I want people to know that I want them to get the most out of me for their money / energy. And in order to do that, I want to be better at receiving details.

While I've been dwelling on all this, El'azar has been providing me solutions and suggestions on how I can better connect with people. Along with that, I had a revelation while playing GW2 a couple days ago.

I'm sure most - if not all - of my readers are unfamiliar with Guild Wars, so I'll try to sum this up the best I can: in a nutshell, there is a race of plant-humanoids you can play in GW called sylvari, born from an immense and beautiful tree called the Pale Tree. Sylvari pretty much grow on this tree - they're not born. And before they awaken in the real world, they are sentient in a "pool" of consciousness known as the Dream of Dreams, or quite simply, the Dream. The Dream consists of all memories and thoughts of sylvari who exist in the real world - it's a way to teach saplings - who have not yet awakened - about essential aspects of existence. 

Pretty much everything is shared amongst sylvari both in and out of the Dream. So in that way, sylvari are all connected, and are therefore quite empathic (unless they follow Nightmare, but that's a different story).

My revelation was: in many ways, the Dream is like spirit. Or Source, even. In fact, the culture behind the sylvari mirrors my own understanding of existence at present. Remember my tree metaphor? Yeah. In the case of GW2, the Pale Tree and the accompanying Dream can be considered "Source," and all the sylvari who are born from it experience life and therefore contribute to the Dream: the well of knowledge for both the Tree and the other sylvari who are born from it. And guess what? They all have their own perspectives on life, despite being taught the same things. 

So with this in mind, I thought it would be highly beneficial to me to utilize the fictional Dream in my own development. Throughout the GW2 story, sylvari who are connected to the Dream often say things like "I see within the Dream that ____ will happen," or "The Dream showed me this." It's even possible to see potential futures within the Dream.

On the surface, it may seem silly, but I think this will help me a lot. Often times I feel like Source/spirit is so vast that my limited brain can't take in a lot of what's being communicated. But if I can have a "tool" such as this, I may be able to feel more connected to Source energy and others. 

I feel like "Home" - or the state of existence we're in outside of the physical - is a lot like the Dream. It fits my interpretation, anyway. You get a glimpse of the Dream when you start out as a sylvari character, and it's pretty much a big jumble of random things that other sylvari have seen and experienced on their travels: from other races to great beasts. Maybe this is what the "original" Source energy "sees"... if there is such a thing. 

It's definitely fascinating to think about. But yes... I think whenever I connect to "Source energy," I'll refer to it as the Dream - both to assist my connection and amuse myself.

That's one of the many reasons why I love GW2... not only is it filled with adventure, history, lore, and wisdom, it's filled with metaphors that can apply to one's own view on life. And that, in my opinion, makes for a hell of a great game.

Screenshot courtesy of vegas123456 @ deviantART

 

Empire of the Mind

by aditya777 @ deviantART

I do admit I feel a little better today. Although I'm still filled with doubts and confusion, I feel like I'm back on the path... just trying to clear the debris and pass the obstacles. I suppose you can say that I'm not feeling very sure of myself and my future. A lot of this is stuff I've expressed before, so I'm not going to go in a lot of detail. 

I'm putting out a lot of trust and faith right now. I trust that Leo was right when he said my thoughts were aligned in a good way. I trust that the people who have offered their wisdom to me were right about how I'm cut out for the direction in which I'm going.

I just can't help but think: is it truly necessary that I experience life like everyone else? The employment thing, etc? You would think that the path I'm pursuing is just as challenging as being an employee - if not more. My dad wants to teach me responsibility by experiencing the whole "employee" thing, but I'm not sure that's truly necessary when I'm going to have to work my butt off to put my name out there in the world and experience the harshness of selling art in whatever forms.

Speaking of which, how should I even do this? I had a few ideas in mind, but they'd be hard to incorporate on a regular basis, especially if I have to go straight into working. I can't really afford proper consistent advertising... so I'm pretty much relying on word-of-mouth and discounts like free readings or art (like I've been doing up until now). Blogs, social media... it seems like those only work when you (A) put just as much energy toward communicating with followers, (B) when you offer something for free, or (C) when you're promoting someone else's work. I think one of the main reasons why this blog gets so much traffic is because I post artwork, so when people look up something in Google images that uses some words from my posts, they see these artworks even if it isn't all that relevant to what they're looking for. I think the rest of the traffic comes from spammers trying to sell me stuff or get me to clink on shady links... 

But I digress.

What do you do when you have too much on your mind? I can't even comprehend the number of things I dwell on during the day: ideas for Crucible, projects that need completing, how I'm going to schedule my time, GW2, my future, how I can organize my art business / what I can offer, the Adonai book I want to write, profound thoughts on life and the nature of the universe, and Shiva knows what else. I feel like I should be writing some of these things down...

I've been meaning to sit down with my Source Self, but to be honest, I'm not sure when I'd be able to feel comfortable enough to do that. Whenever I catch a break, I just want to shut my mind down completely, which is why I resort to GW2... or some kind of show/film. I feel like I think so freaking much and focus on so many things that I end up burnt out when it comes to anything "spiritual." But I did think about my Source Self today in class. Was trying to see what came to mind when I thought about it. Before, I considered it "female," like myself, but now... it wavers between masculine and feminine. 

A week ago or so, Jen told me something I hadn't been expecting: that the Jesus energy had been "around" me for a very long time. She always tells me how fond he is of me, which I found interesting considering I had mixed feelings about Jesus (or Emmanuel, as I now like to call him) for the longest time. I respected him, but his very image and identity had become a bit of an eyesore considering all the drama associated with him. So I never sensed him around (although Jen did say that he "hid" himself because he knew I'd react... badly if I knew before a certain point in my growth). However, he is now apparently involved in my artistic endeavors. It feels a bit odd to me, because I don't feel like I have that "personal" connection like I do with the boys, but I accept it, because I've worked with Emmanuel before for a few art readings, and found him a pleasure to work with. 

It is quite weird to learn about him in Italian Renaissance, though. 

Speaking of which... I have to make up that class tomorrow. I don't particularly mind, because it's an interesting class - the only thing I'm not really looking forward to is driving home in Friday rush-hour traffic. So I'm hoping we really do finish early... 

On top of that, my brother is arriving late tomorrow night. So I'm going to have to scramble around and clean my bathroom before I leave for class... which means my free day is pretty much gone. The rest of my weekend will consist of making progress on three different projects: a 12-page promo book in InDesign, that children's illustration on wood panel, and an ink piece for Italian Renaissance based on the Florence Baptistery panel competition.

Yikes.

But at least I'm down to 4 weeks now. 

Starvation

"Silent One" - by Laura Sava

Funny how quickly one's mood can shift.. in a matter of a couple hours, I've gone from generally uplifted to completely miserable. 

I feel so damned hopeless. I just read a woman's thread on SF; she lost her job and is now homeless. She did want out of that job (she referred to it as a "hellhole"), but found herself in a shelter, trying to seek out work.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine in class yesterday. We talked about my situation and how it would be so cool to travel the world and live day-by-day, helping people out for enough cash to eat and have a place to sleep/wash, seeing all sorts of new and interesting sights... being out in nature. And what's funny is that my dad suggested this sort of thing to my brother back when he was taking his year off - backpacking through Europe. 

I hate living in the future. Even though I love thinking about the possibilities of where I could be, it's bloody painful. The only time when I really feel like I'm living in the present is when I'm playing GW2.

Guild Wars. It's a fantastic game of its own accord, but it hits especially close to home for me, because there's so much to it that echoes my heart's desires. Going around, seeing beautiful sights, helping others, living day-by-day... It's why I play it so often, and why I'm so obsessed with it. Not only is it an escape from reality, it's a representation of the way I want to live.

My fears have gotten in the way of my adventurous nature. But no matter what society and my parents may say, I just can't see myself living like everyone else. 

I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I'm at war with myself: part of me just wants to give up, because I see the future and think, "This is pointless," but my stubborn side says, "Hell no, we're not giving up." And now I'm in this awful state of limbo where I linger between depression and anticipation, starvation and hope of abundance, of happiness. 

I'm growing tired. I'm starving for life, for adventure, but I'm receiving nothing but fillers and preservatives. I'm getting sick of fighting this war. I thought I was on to something... that I was on the right path, and that I would be successful, but is that naive to think? Probably. I don't know anymore. 

My natal chart suggests in more than one place that my "job" would have me moving house quite often. It reminds me of something I learned in Italian Renaissance yesterday... where this one artist would travel from city to city looking for new commission work. Could I live the same way?

I say I want to be a spirit artist, a teacher, a writer, a general artist.. but the truth is, I just don't feel confident. I look at my work and think, "Who would buy this?" I despair over my level of psychic skill. I still obsess over style. 

Is it the area where I live? Would I be happier living somewhere else? After all, it's hard to find like-minded people in my area. But I can't live somewhere else unless I have the money to do so, or at least a roommate. 

Friends... I feel like I'm a passerby in everyone's life. Either that, or I'm a last resort. I just feel like I'm so out there that I struggle with making friends. Who is even interested in me as an individual? I know a few people would say it, and I'm certainly not fishing for compliments here... especially since I'm serious about this. I'm very observant when it comes to how people converse with me, and... oh, forget it. There's no point. 

There's no point to anything, it seems.

So where does this leave me? I don't know. But it looks like I may not need time off to try this whole spirit art path.. instead, I need time off to explore myself and live. 

I hope to Adonai my parents can understand that.   

Beltane

"Beltane Reunion" - by Emily Balivet

May. Although I could truly care less about what day/month it is, knowing that it's finally "May" is quite a sigh of relief, because that means the end of the quarter is around the corner. 9 more actual days of school. 

With the first day of May comes Beltane, celebrating the fertility and abundance of earth and good old-fashioned sexual energy. I won't pretend to be an expert on Beltane, because I'm certainly not, but I do respect and admire what it represents... it's part of the reason why I love spring so much. Abundance... new energies. A time for things to begin anew. 

I did a reading for myself. Nothing too elaborate - just an elemental sort of thing, two cards per energy. I asked Spike about the emotional, Pierre about the spiritual, El'azar about the physical, and Leon about the mental. Since I already wrote it down on my private blog, I'll just make a quick jotlist of what came up:

• Emotionally, I'm balanced at present, especially in regard to masculine and feminine energies. I'm approaching my situation with both male and female qualities, which is quite true. To improve my emotional state, I merely have to go with the flow. Emotion isn't something you can "force." You can change your perspective, and improve understanding, but if you're depressed, the cover of "happiness" only lasts so long.
• Physically, I'm in a place of ecstasy. El'azar had some strange answers for me. I don't feel like I'm in a place of physical ecstasy, but I think that's exactly why he chose this card for me. I'm focusing too much on the future - it dominates my thoughts. As for improvement, another incredibly odd choice: a card that essentially parallels The Tower. So I think a big change stands in the way of improving my physical state.
• Mentally, I'm in the right place. Leon is encouraging the process of manifestation, and is saying that my thoughts are promising prosperity. To improve my mental state, I merely have to keep aware of my thoughts... my intentions.
• Spiritually, I'm expanding, but Pierre says there is power that is "trapped" within me - potential that has yet to be released. What kind of power? I'm not sure yet. But to improve my spiritual state, I have to focus more on compassion, of extending a loving hand rather than focusing on the material side of things. 

El'azar, as always, was pretty blunt. I'm always intrigued by the differing perspectives of these guiding energies. I can literally see their distinction... what they tend to focus on, as well as how they express it (e.g. Ellie's bluntness compared to Pierre's cryptic, metaphorical psyche-talk, compared to Leon's simple and straightforward messages, etc.). At least I know where some of my priorities lie now.

I have a lot on my mind. Obviously. In Italian Renaissance yesterday, I spent only a quarter of the time actually paying attention. The rest of that time was spent thinking about all the ideas I was getting about my psychic art business, what I could offer, etc., as well as other things. It makes me wonder if someone is legitimately inspiring me, as in encouraging me to actually offer me these things, or if it's just my materialistic mind thinking, "How else can I stand out from the crowd?"

I mean, I'm getting a lot of cool ideas... things that people might genuinely be interested in. And it would definitely help attract more potential clients... but I need to remember to focus on the helping part instead of the making money part. Which is difficult, I know, because I've been impressed with the urge to sustain myself, made stronger by my parents, whom I feel like I have to "prove wrong." Quite a challenge. But it's nice to know that my thoughts are relatively in the right place. The more I focus on this success, the better (and sooner?) I'll have it.

Of course, I'm still feeling the doubt. I just read a little post by Ravynne Phelan, the artist who illustrated the Mythic Oracle deck and is currently working on the Dreams of Gaia deck (which is so beautiful... holy Shiva, I can't wait). She was basically saying in a nutshell how difficult being an artist is, what with the whole "selling yourself and your products" thing. But despite everything she said, she still doesn't regret where she is, and is happy to be living the life she has. And that's what I needed to hear.

Like always, I had a lot more I was going to say. But it's already 10 AM, and I have a bit of homework to do with InDesign, although to be honest, I don't think I'm going to get much of it done. 

The creative energies are flowing in all the right places... I trust they'll lead me to the proper place.