Empire of the Mind

by aditya777 @ deviantART

I do admit I feel a little better today. Although I'm still filled with doubts and confusion, I feel like I'm back on the path... just trying to clear the debris and pass the obstacles. I suppose you can say that I'm not feeling very sure of myself and my future. A lot of this is stuff I've expressed before, so I'm not going to go in a lot of detail. 

I'm putting out a lot of trust and faith right now. I trust that Leo was right when he said my thoughts were aligned in a good way. I trust that the people who have offered their wisdom to me were right about how I'm cut out for the direction in which I'm going.

I just can't help but think: is it truly necessary that I experience life like everyone else? The employment thing, etc? You would think that the path I'm pursuing is just as challenging as being an employee - if not more. My dad wants to teach me responsibility by experiencing the whole "employee" thing, but I'm not sure that's truly necessary when I'm going to have to work my butt off to put my name out there in the world and experience the harshness of selling art in whatever forms.

Speaking of which, how should I even do this? I had a few ideas in mind, but they'd be hard to incorporate on a regular basis, especially if I have to go straight into working. I can't really afford proper consistent advertising... so I'm pretty much relying on word-of-mouth and discounts like free readings or art (like I've been doing up until now). Blogs, social media... it seems like those only work when you (A) put just as much energy toward communicating with followers, (B) when you offer something for free, or (C) when you're promoting someone else's work. I think one of the main reasons why this blog gets so much traffic is because I post artwork, so when people look up something in Google images that uses some words from my posts, they see these artworks even if it isn't all that relevant to what they're looking for. I think the rest of the traffic comes from spammers trying to sell me stuff or get me to clink on shady links... 

But I digress.

What do you do when you have too much on your mind? I can't even comprehend the number of things I dwell on during the day: ideas for Crucible, projects that need completing, how I'm going to schedule my time, GW2, my future, how I can organize my art business / what I can offer, the Adonai book I want to write, profound thoughts on life and the nature of the universe, and Shiva knows what else. I feel like I should be writing some of these things down...

I've been meaning to sit down with my Source Self, but to be honest, I'm not sure when I'd be able to feel comfortable enough to do that. Whenever I catch a break, I just want to shut my mind down completely, which is why I resort to GW2... or some kind of show/film. I feel like I think so freaking much and focus on so many things that I end up burnt out when it comes to anything "spiritual." But I did think about my Source Self today in class. Was trying to see what came to mind when I thought about it. Before, I considered it "female," like myself, but now... it wavers between masculine and feminine. 

A week ago or so, Jen told me something I hadn't been expecting: that the Jesus energy had been "around" me for a very long time. She always tells me how fond he is of me, which I found interesting considering I had mixed feelings about Jesus (or Emmanuel, as I now like to call him) for the longest time. I respected him, but his very image and identity had become a bit of an eyesore considering all the drama associated with him. So I never sensed him around (although Jen did say that he "hid" himself because he knew I'd react... badly if I knew before a certain point in my growth). However, he is now apparently involved in my artistic endeavors. It feels a bit odd to me, because I don't feel like I have that "personal" connection like I do with the boys, but I accept it, because I've worked with Emmanuel before for a few art readings, and found him a pleasure to work with. 

It is quite weird to learn about him in Italian Renaissance, though. 

Speaking of which... I have to make up that class tomorrow. I don't particularly mind, because it's an interesting class - the only thing I'm not really looking forward to is driving home in Friday rush-hour traffic. So I'm hoping we really do finish early... 

On top of that, my brother is arriving late tomorrow night. So I'm going to have to scramble around and clean my bathroom before I leave for class... which means my free day is pretty much gone. The rest of my weekend will consist of making progress on three different projects: a 12-page promo book in InDesign, that children's illustration on wood panel, and an ink piece for Italian Renaissance based on the Florence Baptistery panel competition.

Yikes.

But at least I'm down to 4 weeks now.