I wanted to contemplate my family for a bit. After Jules' reading, I find myself thinking about all sorts of things.. but once again, the timing is perfect. I received this reading right when my brother is visiting, which means I have direct examples of the trials associated with the Wounded Child archetype that showed up for me.
I mentioned before - in other posts besides the last one - that I feel at odds with my family. Like Jules said: I ended up - and still do end up - screwed over in a variety of ways... mainly because of the presence of my brother in the family, but also because my interests and perspective differ greatly from those of my parents. This has left me feeling like a huge anomaly. My family is grounded, practical, material. They are concerned only for themselves, their survival, their happiness, their financial security.
I'm reminded of the times I used to read about "starchildren" and how one of the "symptoms" was feeling homesick for some other world, or feeling out-of-place within your family... as though your family wasn't truly "yours." The latter bit describes how I'm feeling perfectly. I've always felt this to some degree as I was growing up, but it's only in recent years - obviously - that these feelings are becoming more intense. Every kid at one point wonders if they're adopted, but there were times when I was younger when I was seriously giving it some thought - not only because I looked different from my parents (my brother and I share some similarities), but also because I had trouble connecting with them. Being one-upped by my brother never helped. I was always the stubborn, grumpy, unrealistic child who devoted her life to being responsible for herself and her parents. The big introvert, the last resort.
My dad came into my room last night asking if I wanted to join in on board games. I declined for three reasons: one, because I've grown a bit tired of board games; two, because I was with the new friend I made on GW; and three, because I knew what kind of comments, criticisms, and jokes would be made based on me being there, and I didn't want to deal with that. And when my dad said in reply: "You don't want to play board games with your family?" I swear the thought popped into my head: "You're not my family."
I do feel a little bad for thinking that, but you know something? Blood means nothing to me. If my family doesn't treat me kindly - if they don't show me respect - then I won't shrug it off so easily just because they're "family." I won't hold grudges against them, but for the past 20 years, I've gone in circles with my family, trying to earn the same degree of love and appreciation as my brother, and I'm growing tired.
Like Jules' reading suggests: I need to work on forgiveness. But the way I see it: I feel no need to involve my family in my life... not when they treat me as the anomaly to be teased and criticized and ultimately "improved."
The other night - a night when I had school the next day - I was trying to fall asleep, but because my brother was talking to my parents across the hall, I couldn't. So I got out of bed, opened the door, and asked them politely to close their door or something, not bothering to put on my glasses. After staring at me for a few moments, my brother says: "You look Jewish."
And everyone in the room starts laughing.
It's not the first time that my brother has said this to me. And any chance he can belittle, tease, or casually insult me, he takes it. But this... this pushed my buttons. Here I am, trying to respectfully ask for some quiet so that I can get enough sleep for school, and I get teased? These people definitely can't fit my shoe size. They don't seem to have the slightest idea.
My brother...I find it awfully hypocritical when he gets offended that I don't want him in my room hanging out. I don't want to hear his boasts, criticisms, or intrusive comments, but sure, firstborn - go right ahead and take offense. Your contentment is paramount, of course.
I keep thinking about the future. If my parents remain overseas for the majority of the time, then I won't see them often. Will this make me happy? It seems like it would. I wouldn't have to involve them in my life. Just ask them a few questions about homes and cars and finances every now and then, but otherwise... I want them out. I don't see myself contacting them - or my brother - often while on my own. Why should I? They don't care. I'm sick of the weird looks and sighs of frustration.
These people may have raised me, but as days pass, I'm finding it much more difficult to accept them as "family." I know I sound a bit typical and whiny, but this Wounded Child archetype is something I have to work on, and I'm taking Jules' advice about the ranty letters (or in this case, blog posts) because writing seems to work best for venting. Maybe some rituals really are in order.
I hope to one day discover my true family... one who will embrace me for who I am and what I strive for. In the meantime, I have to work on forgiving my own blood.
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