Starvation

"Silent One" - by Laura Sava

Funny how quickly one's mood can shift.. in a matter of a couple hours, I've gone from generally uplifted to completely miserable. 

I feel so damned hopeless. I just read a woman's thread on SF; she lost her job and is now homeless. She did want out of that job (she referred to it as a "hellhole"), but found herself in a shelter, trying to seek out work.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine in class yesterday. We talked about my situation and how it would be so cool to travel the world and live day-by-day, helping people out for enough cash to eat and have a place to sleep/wash, seeing all sorts of new and interesting sights... being out in nature. And what's funny is that my dad suggested this sort of thing to my brother back when he was taking his year off - backpacking through Europe. 

I hate living in the future. Even though I love thinking about the possibilities of where I could be, it's bloody painful. The only time when I really feel like I'm living in the present is when I'm playing GW2.

Guild Wars. It's a fantastic game of its own accord, but it hits especially close to home for me, because there's so much to it that echoes my heart's desires. Going around, seeing beautiful sights, helping others, living day-by-day... It's why I play it so often, and why I'm so obsessed with it. Not only is it an escape from reality, it's a representation of the way I want to live.

My fears have gotten in the way of my adventurous nature. But no matter what society and my parents may say, I just can't see myself living like everyone else. 

I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I'm at war with myself: part of me just wants to give up, because I see the future and think, "This is pointless," but my stubborn side says, "Hell no, we're not giving up." And now I'm in this awful state of limbo where I linger between depression and anticipation, starvation and hope of abundance, of happiness. 

I'm growing tired. I'm starving for life, for adventure, but I'm receiving nothing but fillers and preservatives. I'm getting sick of fighting this war. I thought I was on to something... that I was on the right path, and that I would be successful, but is that naive to think? Probably. I don't know anymore. 

My natal chart suggests in more than one place that my "job" would have me moving house quite often. It reminds me of something I learned in Italian Renaissance yesterday... where this one artist would travel from city to city looking for new commission work. Could I live the same way?

I say I want to be a spirit artist, a teacher, a writer, a general artist.. but the truth is, I just don't feel confident. I look at my work and think, "Who would buy this?" I despair over my level of psychic skill. I still obsess over style. 

Is it the area where I live? Would I be happier living somewhere else? After all, it's hard to find like-minded people in my area. But I can't live somewhere else unless I have the money to do so, or at least a roommate. 

Friends... I feel like I'm a passerby in everyone's life. Either that, or I'm a last resort. I just feel like I'm so out there that I struggle with making friends. Who is even interested in me as an individual? I know a few people would say it, and I'm certainly not fishing for compliments here... especially since I'm serious about this. I'm very observant when it comes to how people converse with me, and... oh, forget it. There's no point. 

There's no point to anything, it seems.

So where does this leave me? I don't know. But it looks like I may not need time off to try this whole spirit art path.. instead, I need time off to explore myself and live. 

I hope to Adonai my parents can understand that.