A Cycle Completed

by haimeart @ deviantART

We've reached the end, ladies and gents.

Tomorrow marks the last day of the quarter. After a presentation, a critique, and a handful of exams, I'll be free. It's fabulous, but also kind of nerve-wracking, because I realize that I need to make as much progress as possible over the next year. I need to get involved and put my name out there to see if this truly is the path I'm supposed to be taking right now. I don't know what will happen, and that in itself is exciting; however, there's still a part of me that's trying to swallow those last few doubts: what if I don't end up as successful as I've anticipated?

I think a lot of my previous sitters will be bothered by the fact that I won't be offering free readings anymore. For the past two years, they've mooched off me, and so far, only two have openly stated they'd be willing to pay me for my time and energy (and they're both good friends - go figure). I've already expressed my feelings about this, so I won't go into detail... but yeah. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to advertise, since I've only really made a name for myself around SF, one tiny corner of the world.

I like to think it'll all work out. 

I've been practicing my reading skills as often as I can - mainly trying to utilize the Dream tool, but the problem with the Dream is that it (A) requires me to be in a meditative state, and (B) doesn't work well over chat. (A) poses a problem because it's hard to anticipate a time when I won't be interrupted or distracted by my parents, who often come upstairs to visit or call for me from downstairs for some random reason. I'm kind of sitting on my hands at the moment because I'm anticipating the day I live alone and won't have to worry about this... Until then, though, I have to work around this issue by doing Dream readings in the morning or when both of my parents are gone. As for (B), well, I've found that working within the Dream is quite tricky while simultaneously typing in a chat room. I like to be fully immersed within the experience for the best results, and when I have to consciously think about typing, pressing enter, wondering if pressing enter actually worked, typos, and whatever else, it's... well... distracting. PMs are better because at least I can vomit all my text into a page and take my time fixing typos without worrying whether the sitter can make sense of it all. 

It is working, though. Now I'm just trying to practice it and determine whether it's possible for me to not be in a meditative state while doing it. I'm thinking that eventually I might be able to slip in between Dream and awareness without losing the connection. But that's what I have guinea pigs for, I guess.

Dang. My perspective has shifted so much again. I've been channeling bits with the guidance of my perspective family, and some interesting things have been coming through... things that I of course resonate with. But I love this, because for the first time ever, I find I can fully appreciate a person. This makes readings kind of interesting, though. Exploring another's perspective and history... it's all so vast and intriguing. As I move more into this area, I realize that this fresh and improved perspective will be extremely beneficial for my reading business, because unlike other readers, who like to project their beliefs onto sitters/clients, or base their readings on "common knowledge" (like guides, karma, lessons, past lives, etc.), I will be focusing entirely on the sitter and his/her beliefs. Because I see in the moment that all realities exist. 

Speaking of common knowledge, I had a revelation while in bed last night, inspired by yesterday's channeling: a lot of what we call "spirituality" is yet another control system. It's basically a religion without a fancy name. When you think about all the bits that come with "common spiritual knowledge," such as having soul contracts, karma, lessons, needing to reach enlightenment, and so on, it doesn't seem all that different from any other religion. You have contracts and plans and "bad karma" to fix because you were naughty, and the only way to be truly free and avoid more incarnations is to reach this certain state of "light." 

Hmm... that sounds strangely reminiscent of a certain global religion.

Ah, well. All part of the experience.

Creativity flows through me, but I'm in this odd sort of state where I don't know exactly where to exert that energy. I wonder if it has anything to do with school. Perhaps after tomorrow I'll feel lighter and more willing just to spend all that creative energy. I spent some of it writing last night, but I actually wanted to paint, because I have Photoshop now (at least until I graduate or leave school), and I downloaded all these nice brushes that will be very useful for my art readings. However, I didn't have the motivation to pull down my tablet and start drawing. 

Soon enough, I guess.

I really only have one thing to do today: finish my illustration project, which is 95% done. I just have some acrylic touch-ups to do, and I'm finished. I'm pretty darn satisfied with the result. I just hope my professor feels the same. It'd be nice to have an A on something for once. I should also try and study for my Italian Renaissance exam, but you know... I'm so done. I want to try hard if only to push that 89.3 to an 89.5 (I believe she said she rounds up). I'm just beyond studying now. I've never been a good with studying. I either remember something worthwhile or I don't. And when I'm presented with a list of over 30 artworks, plus Italian names, plus dates, plus locations and other miscellaneous details, I tend to get overwhelmed. 

But I'll try. I'll get that A, damn it, even if it's only a letter. 

Evaah out.