Midtown Mayhem

by hoooook @ deviantART

Whew. Had quite the crazy day yesterday. I'm trying to keep my cool here, though, because I'm down to two weeks of school left (4 days) and I don't want to get ill. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is an adventure, and that I'm in it for the experiences.

With that said, the weekend that I had originally planned out has been skewed. After a morning of bad cramps (so bad that I was lightheaded, fatigued, and sweating in my 20th century class), and a day of semi-stressing over final projects, I come home yesterday to find that my mother had been packing and that she was preparing to leave for Louisiana to attend the birth of my cousin's first child. And she's taking Hans, meaning I have no reliable car with which to drive to school.

Well, Haloa (the car I used to drive), is somewhat reliable, but she's 15 years old, has a leak in her tire that can't be patched, no AC, and no working brake lights (only one tiny one on her spoiler works; the main ones don't). On top of that, she hasn't been registered to park in my school's parking deck this year. But I don't think that should be much of a problem; despite what security might have said, they don't seem all that strict about who's parking in the deck. I'm actually more concerned about Haloa's brake lights and tire. If the person behind me isn't paying attention, they won't notice that I'm actually braking.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I hope my cousin has her baby within the next couple of days so that my mom won't have to stay past Sunday, and I can have Hans back so I don't have to worry about the problems listed above.

I still do have to go out this weekend, though, to retrieve a few supplies for my final projects. I have to admit that irks me. I hate driving in this city. But once again, I remind myself: adventure. Experience and adventure.

In other news, my Mary-el deck arrived on Tuesday while my mom was out, just like I had hoped. I had the biggest smile on my face when I opened it. At first, I was nervous about the quality of the cards, and how the images would look on them, but they're a lot better than people had made them sound. I have no words. This deck has replaced my BoS deck as my favorite, and has been assigned to Pierre (there's actually a bit of dragon imagery in this deck). I think it suits him. Suits us. It's dark and earthy and surreal and so me. Now I just eagerly await the Dreams of Gaia deck, which is in progress - I'm keeping up with the artist on FB, so I get to see each card as it's completed. 

I'm going to do a birthday reading for myself tomorrow with Mary-el. Ahh. It's so magnetic. I keep wanting to take it out and look at it. 

Moving on, though... one thing I wanted to mention here for myself: the images and symbols in my recent dreams have been interesting. And unusual. I usually don't have "interesting" or significant dreams while I'm in school. It's a tad frustrating, though, because I only remember parts, so I can't really decipher the whole thing. But from the one with meteors in Louisiana, to a more recent one with a talking squirrel... hm. 

My final projects have me a bit restless. One involves sewing an illustrated doll, which is so out of my element. The other is only frustrating because it calls for a specific brand and color of watercolor (or ink). 

But I guess I'll get it done, like always.

The Clearing Storm

Things have definitely been on the up lately, despite school masking these tidbits up. The biggest highlight of my morning... well. Remember back in October when I mentioned contacting P&D about their psychic services?

Almost five months later, I finally received a reply.

I have to admit: the timing on this has caught my attention. The lady who replied to me claimed she had missed my email, hence the lack of reply all this time. Somehow I feel that didn't happen on accident. 

I've been thinking back to spirit/psychic art again recently. I never wanted to give it up; I was just focused on other things: my own creative projects and school, to be more specific. This summer, I'd be very much interested in getting more practice in and doing livestreams again.

I was worried that this reply would completely and utterly reject me, but it's actually not all that disappointing. This is what she said:

We are at this time full in our psychic program. We have 4 readers rooms which are shared by 9 practitioners and occasional out of town visitors.

Of course there are always times that psychics lives change and we are then looking for new practitioners. We are looking for people who have professional experience, not just reading for friends. Readers have to read for me and some of the other psychics. We are very team oriented and it needs to be someone that can work within the group.

Probably at this point we are lightest in tarot readers and would be hiring one more of those next.

If you are still interested please send me a write up about your psychic skills and experience.

Naturally, I'm kind of hopeful. But just as I expected: "professional experience." What constitutes as professional experience to these people? Several years of working with hundreds upon hundreds of people? I'm assuming it's something along those lines, considering the types of psychics who work there now.

It's a bit intimidating. Even if I would be the only spirit/psychic artist working there, I just don't feel like I'm remotely experienced compared to these "top dogs." But I just realized something.. at first, when I read through this email, I felt so disappointed because my psychic senses have been so freaking dull lately - with the exception of my intuition, which never shuts down. However, when I actually think about it, my spirit/psychic art skills come so naturally to me that it would hardly be a problem to jump back into this again. 

It's a lovely thought. I think I might send her a reply telling her about my hopes. Before, I'd be too scared to - too afraid of being let down. But nope. I'm going to be adventurous. I'm going to put myself out there, because who knows? Even if they don't accept me now, they may accept me in the future, or even hook me up with another offer that may help hone my skills. 

The only thing is, though... if this goes through, then I really will have to tell my parents exactly what I'm doing. I can't go and make money without telling them. Then again... I don't have to be making money. I'd be perfectly happy taking on a kind of "intern" position, where I'm simply increasing my skill rather than working professionally. 

There are many options. I just think it's kind of funny how she mentioned they're looking for tarot readers first and foremost. And speaking of tarot... My Mary-el deck is in town, so I'm really hoping it comes today because that means I can slip it by my mom without her noticing (she has an appointment in a few hours). 

Huh. That email was quite uplifting, actually. I've been thinking about all the things I'm wanting to do, and adjusting my attitudes on them... like with art and writing. I feel like I'm getting somewhere with a drawing style, although it'll take a lot more work. Still making progress, though. And that feels really good.

I'm grateful.
  

Springtime Nearing

"New Beginnings" - by C-91 @ deviantART

Still having trouble sleeping. I haven't tried actually falling asleep with music on because most nights I go to bed late, and I figure that I'll be tired enough to fall asleep quickly. Plus, I don't want to eat away my phone's battery because of school (I can't easily charge my phone there).

I suppose a lack of exercise is also contributing. I've been sitting way too much. I can't wait till it gets warmer - I'd like to go on walks.. just not alone. 

Speaking of warmer temperatures - I'm so psyched for spring. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons. I'm ready for the heat (although I can't complain much about winter; it's been quite mild here like last year) and for the flowers and greenery. I'm just not looking forward to the mosquitoes. Aghh. 

With my shell's birthday coming up on Friday, I've been looking at the Mary-el Tarot, trying to decide when to purchase it. It had gone up in price yesterday to $29, and I thought: "That's odd. Maybe I'm meant to get something else..." So I sat and said, "If I'm meant to get this deck, have it bump down to its original price." And it did - this morning. A $3 difference, but that's me. $3 can buy me an art supply. 

So I bought it. After reading the reviews, I admit I was a bit nervous. Essentially, I kept reading the same kind of comments: that the artwork was stunning and beautiful, but that the cards themselves - the laminating, etc. - were not that great, and perhaps would not withstand the test of time. I then realized, though, that I don't handle my decks that often, and not like everyone else (I don't shuffle much). It does seem a little crazy - spending almost $30 on a tarot deck - but in my opinion, it's worth it. Plus, I hear it comes in quality packaging, as opposed to the usual flimsy cardstock box. It took the author/artist 15 years to create, and it's truly my kind of deck... so I will gladly spend that $30. It's supposed to arrive on Wednesday, but often, I'll get things a day before... so we'll see. 

On the topic of spring... I'm actually really eager to clean my room. Last year, I had simply thought: "Yeah, it needs to be done" - and it got shrugged off. But now that my parents are preparing to live overseas, and the crap in my room is really piling up, I feel like it would do me a lot of good to get rid of a bunch of stuff. I tend to hoard or hold on to things either because (A) I think it's important, like a document; (B) I feel I can make some creative use out of it, like scraps of paper/illustration board; or (C) because I have an attachment to it. I keep looking around and thinking: "Do I really need this?" or "Is there a better place for this?"

Not to mention my room is really dusty. Poor Neo, my PC, is full of dust and even cobwebs (I blame my father for that, though, because he's still holding off on the air pump he said he'd get, and won't get any air cans because he thinks they're too expensive). My desk is coated with it, too. I sneeze a couple times a day. 

I'd also like to get rid of some of my art - mainly crap still life projects from foundations classes last year, but other things, as well. I've just been generally thinking: "If I can't think of it or remember it, then I don't need it." I have no space in here. My poor parents keep tripping on things when they come in (limited floor space). This just needs to happen.

This is going to be a summer project. I'd do it during spring break, but seeing how my break is only a week and a half long, I won't be enthusiastic enough. I simply hope that I'll still feel that same eagerness to clean come the end of May. If things are still proceeding with my parents, then I assume I will. 

Since I received another confirmation for the name "Andromeda," I decided to settle on it. I also made a blog for it. At first, I was going to wait, because I don't feel quite ready to show things yet, but I figured: "Hey - it'd still be a good place to document how I'm feeling as a developing artist." So I set up a Wordpress account. I would do Blogger, but because I already have three Google accounts, Google thinks I'm a spammer, and is therefore asking for my phone number to be able to create a fourth account. And I'm not giving my number to Google. So I went with hotmail and Wordpress - which actually feels more professional than Blogger anyway. 

One last thing to mention... writing. I told myself I'd take some time off from it, and I have been. Ideas still swarm in my head, but I haven't put my fingertips to keyboard. I've been reflecting on how to go about writing. It's clearly something that I'm "meant" to be associating with; I just think I've been approaching it with too much impatience and too much criticism. Writing is not like the visual arts, where you can make anatomical errors and have it be part of the composition or style. Well, I guess it is to some degree, but you get what I'm saying, right? You can't write a book not caring how well the flow is or how your transitions are working or whether your characters are developed enough. There are so many pieces to the puzzle, and frankly, every time I sit down to flesh them out, I feel intimidated.

Don't even mention the whole thing about originality. 

I often wonder how I should be writing. I have a distinct style with my fiction (I suppose), but it's not the best it can be. How do I best communicate these stories and ideas? 

Maybe I really should be reading more. 
 

Call of the Earth

by yellowboots @ deviantART.com

I had a lovely experience this morning, even if it was brief. 

I woke at 8:30, opened my eyes, and found my entire room sheathed in beautiful, golden sunlight. I hadn't seen such pretty light in my room... at least not for a long time. It was almost as though Adonai was there, which is fitting seeing how I had a mini medi-session with/as it last night.

It wasn't anything significant. It was midnight, but I wanted something that would relieve my stress, help me reconnect, and assist me with sleeping better. So I sat/lay down listening to "We Dissolve in Stars," as well as TSFH's "Breathe," and just let go... allowing myself to expand. Adonai took a form briefly alongside me, but I focused mainly on my feelings as Adonai to remind myself that I'm not separate.

It was empowering. I'm going to keep doing this nightly, because the experience gave me the juice to keep on going, excelling at whatever I do. 

This kind of relates to my main topic, though, which I've mentioned briefly before: I'm feeling a sort of "call" from the earth. I have this intense connection to nature - a need to be out in it, to listen to it, to learn what it has to offer... it pulls me in more and more with each passing day, and it makes me a little sad, because it reminds me that I'm not in a situation to live my ideal life: to have a simple home out in the woods or grassy fields, eating what I grow, creating art that makes me happy (and which doesn't apply to others' standards). I'm not sure what this calling means, but I do know that it's influencing my art. It's the theme I want to work with as an artist. 

I'd like to spend more time outside when it gets warmer. The only problem is, this isn't the best area to do so. I was thinking I could paint outside on my back driveway or just sit in the sunshine. I just hope my nosy neighbor won't be out when I am (and she often is), because then my connection will be disturbed as I try to talk to a woman I can barely understand. 

I still haven't found my style yet, though. I'm sure it'll come at the right time. Before, I would've said: "It'd be nice to start establishing a presence in the art world," but now, I've decided that this is false. I will do what I want when I want, even if it takes several more years to find my niche. There is no rush. I will live simply. I will enjoy what I do. 

Art school does that to you - it stifles your creativity. It makes you dislike art. And I know I'm not the only one who thinks this, because a student in my class said the exact same thing yesterday. But I suppose it depends on you as an artist. It might have to do with how one connects with their art. As someone who produces things that are from the heart and soul, I find that I can't connect with a lot of "assigned" projects - like making a movie poster, for example. Pah.

I'm down to three weeks left of school, I believe. After Monday, I'll be working on my final two studio projects. One has to do with sewing (oh lord), and the other has to do with illustrating a folk tale. Materials/Techniques is kicking my butt... and I'm taking M/T 2 next quarter. That ought to be... fun.

Hm. I had a lot more to elaborate on, but I think I'll stop here. My brother's getting off early today, so I need to get a bit of homework done now so that we can spend the rest of the day on GW2 together. I've got two studio projects to finish up, a book report to write, and a 5-6 page research paper on Max Ernst to write. But once again, I remind myself that I excel at everything I do, and that I embrace all experiences. 

I don't think I've linked it before... so here's TSFH's "Breathe." A must-listen (then again, every tune I post is a must-listen). 

Shivoham

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love.”

I had a brief cry yesterday - a release from all the crap that I tend to bury over several months. My mood began to go downhill after my professor told me at critique that my comp was too rough; I spent the remainder of class listening to the GW2 soundtrack and preparing my illustration board for the final project. I actually had a student in my class ask me why I looked so sad; of course, I just shrugged it off with a smile and told him it was nothing.

On my drive home last night, I tried to uplift myself again. I sang along to one of my favorite radio songs (I'm not fond of many) and appreciated the quiet darkness of night like I always do (I actually enjoy night driving for that reason - I feel like I'm tucked away from the world). But my trigger occurred when it took me multiple attempts to back into the garage correctly. I kept getting too close to the wall or to my mom's car. I blame the garage remote... but the frustration associated with this set my trigger, and when I stepped inside, my mom asked me what was wrong. I told her I was glad to be home... and then I could feel the tears begin to form, so I hurried into the privacy of the shower before my parents could realize I was about to cry.

Today, I feel beaten. I woke up at 8 as opposed to 7, which I've been doing for the past several mornings. I had a strange dream that involved a moa-like bird in our neighborhood... I had witnessed this bird eat a squirrel. Saw the blood gush and everything. I don't have the energy or motivation to try and figure out what this one means... nor do I have the motivation to figure out what yesterday morning's dream meant (two meteors falling on Louisiana).

A brief diversion, here, since I'm on topic: the Russian meteor. I'm frankly astonished at the lack of publicity behind this event. I only saw 2-3 other people besides myself even mention it. Is that because it happened in Russia? I get the feeling that things would've been a lot different had the meteor landed in the west. The U.S. or western Europe or something. Yet... I'm still oddly fascinated by this event. Hence why I dreamed about it, I suppose.

But back to my first topic... I feel bruised and beaten - sapped of energy. I'm grateful that I don't really have anything to do today other than begin acquiring sources for the 5-6 page research paper I have due on the 27th. My body aches in several places, I'm tired, the backs of my hands are dry and cracking to the point of pain, and my mood - well, we're back to square one for the moment.

I had a sentimental moment this morning, though, when I was on tumblr, scrolling through only to find an image of Shiva sitting on my dashboard. I don't see Shiva all that often on my dash, so I was caught by surprise. It seemed so fitting... as though that's his way of reminding me that his energy is still around, even if I don't actively search for it anymore. There was something about this image that kept pulling me in. I'd scroll down, but scroll up to look at him again. Like a flicker of connection or meaning. 

It's too early to tell whether this is just him saying, "I'm here - don't forget that," or that he's suggesting something in my life is soon to be destroyed. I'll have to keep an eye on things. Maha Shivratri (or Shivaratri) is coming up soon... I need to remember that, because I'd like to have a medi session with him that night. Maybe that's part of the reason he showed up - because if he hadn't, I wouldn't have thought of him, and that wouldn't have led me to remind myself when Maha Shivratri is. Hm.

All in due time, I guess.

The more I sit in school and listen to what they're preparing me for, the more miserable I become. Despite how much I think: "I won't be a part of this; I'm here to develop my own skill for my own personal reasons," the stress still eventually gets to me, as noted by yesterday's release. I dream of living out in nature, with flora and fauna as my best friends. Of tending a garden and living amongst people who are truly interested in me. Of separating myself from this horrible system. Of being free to produce whatever art and writing I like without having to worry about whether it's good enough. 

That probably explains my lack of creativity. I think about so many lovely stories, but in my mind, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that it's already been done, or that I won't be able to write it properly, or that it won't be interesting enough.

I feel like I'm in a maelstrom. Going round and round, practically drowning. Unable to claw my way out of this dark and miserable vortex. I don't think I'll be truly happy until the end of May comes around - when summer break is here, and the only thing I have to worry about is preparing to live on my own. 

I'm a broken record. I realize that. But I need to express these feelings, and writing is how I do it best.  

Shiva, I could use your help, if the time's right.

A Day of Self-Love

"Love's Embrace" - by Rassouli

I've never been big on V-day. And not for the typical "I'm bitter because I'm alone" reason. If it hasn't been made clear yet, I'm not much of a relationship person - and even if I was, I wouldn't invest much in yet another overly commercialized holiday such as Valentine's. 

So instead on focusing on the romantic aspect of this day, I chose to focus on my feelings of self-worth and self-love, because believe it or not, they've been faltering as of late. Perhaps it has to do with my feeling lost, or the "darkness" that I face. Whatever the case, being immersed in such a physical lifestyle has twisted my perception of myself. I reverted back to seeing my shell as "me," and therefore have been doing a lot of thinking about my appearance and my identity as a human being. 

I had a small realization - or revelation - yesterday while in the shower (all the best thoughts do come in the shower) that touched back on my past, when I used to believe strongly that we pave our own path rather than follow a destined one. The way things are lining up as of late has caught my attention. The other day, I felt inclined to reread the latest post on Voices of Adonai, in which Adonai had talked about awareness. It had said:

Does that mean, then, that it's pointless to pave your own way in life? Of course not. Like I mentioned before: life is half free will, half pre-programming. I will say this, however - it is by utilizing free will that you are following the pre-programmed steps.

It seems contradictory, but it makes sense if you bring in the whole idea of balance. But the reason I brought this up is because my realization suggested that one of the reasons why I'm so down is because my thoughts/attitude are playing a big role in my day-to-day life. I'm not living what I learned. Instead, I wake up and think: "I don't want to go to school." Then, when I'm in class: "I want to go home." Then, when I'm home: "I don't want to do homework."

I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. I don't enjoy this. I'm uncreative. I have no good friends. These thoughts run through my head every day. And perhaps that's the reason why I'm struggling.

I don't know. I can't tell if this is a pre-destined situation or one that I attracted myself. Is it both? I can't say. In fact, I'll probably never know. I'll be spending the rest of my life wondering if everything is pre-scripted for our benefit, or if all the New Agers were truly right: that we create our own realities. 

But despite the detachment I've had with spirit, I can still feel Adonai probing at the back of my mind, reminding me gently of what I should be doing. Reminding me of my worth (and as I type this, I hear that quote: "The world would be a very different place without you in it"). 

So screw the chocolates, roses, and wine. Today, I'm in love with myself. 

I asked Cernunnos for a couple of suggestions as to how I can improve my sense of self-worth again. He gave me Nine of Fire - Pluto and Beltane. Short and sweet, plain and simple. Change is needed. Transformation is needed. And Beltane brings in the feelings of enthusiasm, love, and celebration, and union. I have to admit: the Beltane card gives me a pang of nostalgia, because God and Goddess are depicted in a way that reminds me of the drawing I did of Shiva. Or Spike. I don't even have to dwell on these cards long to know what's being communicated here... although I wonder if that Beltane card is speaking a little more than I expected.

It'll be a long process. A journey. But I'm stubborn enough to want to make things right.

A few things to mention before I pop off to do a bit of homework before committing myself to a day of GW2: 

• My brother turned 21 yesterday. Weird to think he's an "official" adult. As society dictates, anyway. 
• I've had a couple of interesting dreams in the past few days - one involved a baby dolphin who had been beaten (and therefore was bloody) and another had me vacationing in what looked like Italy again. 
• Received a personal confirmation for the name "Andromeda." 
• Listening to music before bed seemed to help a little. I might have to try listening to something soothing (like medi music or binaurals) to fall asleep more quickly.  

Off I go then.

Year of the Snake

"Medusa" - by Rob Shields

Although I'm a little sad to see Year of the Dragon go, I have to admit I'm very happy to see Snake arrive. Like dragons, snakes hold a special place in my heart. I love them to bits. And I feel like this is a good year for them to represent... shedding. 

I pulled two cards from my Wildwood deck, asking El'azar what I should work on at this time (or what I can eliminate). The cards that I pulled were Nine of Vessels - Generosity and Six of Bows - Abundance. Funny, because I looked at the Generosity card first without acknowledging the name and thought, "Oh, that looks like abundance."

Generosity and abundance... The former I can understand easily, although I have mixed feelings about my generosity. Do I give enough? Sometimes I feel like I do. I try to help whenever I can, give whatever I can. But there are times when I'm burnt out or need to hold on to something... 

Interesting, though. Generosity and abundance are obviously connected to one another, so what is El'azar trying to say here? That I need to be more abundant with my generosity? If that's the case, I certainly wasn't expecting this. 

What strikes me as interesting for the Abundance card is that the abundance is depicted (barrels of fruits and veggies), but no one is around to enjoy it. There is evidence people are close (a lit fire), yet the abundance remains untouched - as though it's being saved or savored. Appreciated, maybe?

Gratitude... I haven't been as actively grateful as I'd like to be. There are times when I do express gratitude for the small things: a gap in traffic, safety in my travels, a good parking spot. Of course, I'm grateful in my heart for everything else in my life, but I don't acknowledge that gratitude actively; that is, I don't say thank you for every little thing. 

I suppose while I'm in this dark(er) moment of my life, I should reflect on these things. Because the source of my troubles is worrying about the future and not being able to live the way I want to live. But when I actually remind myself, I have a pretty good life. Perhaps I'm not happy with having to go to school and acquire a job; however, when I think about it, I'm in a decent situation to change all that, or at least make the most of what it is I do end up doing until things shift globally for the better. I'm not rich, but I'm not poor. Therefore, I have the room or capability to do more of what I want to do. It'll take baby steps, sure... in the end, though, I know that I'll receive whatever is most appropriate for me. 

So as Year of the Snake begins, I have made it a general goal to transform and acquire a new skin. Something fresh and new and far less dull and itchy. I will appreciate what I have and give as much as I can to others in hopes that my own generosity will inspire theirs. I'll develop a good sense of adventure...

On a last note, I was thinking about Andromeda yesterday while I went about my tasks. It seems to be more and more fitting, despite meaning "ruler of men." I'm actually more interested in the galaxy then the actual mythological figure, although the latter still does make sense when I think about what I want to contribute to the world as an artist. To some degree.

I won't jump into anything just yet, though. I'm in no rush. I'd like to be at least in the process of developing a certain personal style before committing myself to more blogs and websites. I want to be happy with my work. So I'll let it stew... and maybe in a few more months - hopefully around my summer break - I'll be somewhere where I'm content with what I'm producing, even if it's in the drafting stages. 

I have all the time in the world... and if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be.
But I need to be honest with myself. I need to work from my heart.

Happy CNY!

The Summons

"The Summons" - by Rassouli

I need to figure out a solution for this sleeping problem. In a nutshell, this is what happens: it takes me forever to fall asleep (I toss and turn a lot), and when I finally do, I'm practically dead until I finally wake at around 8, after which I still feel tired. The somewhat scary part (at least for me) is the whole not being able to hear noises anymore. Before, I used to be able to hear all sorts of things... but lately, my mom's been asking me whether I heard certain things at night: a cat screeching, the fire alarm's low-battery beep, etc. And I haven't. 

I would say: well, maybe that's a good thing. It means I would have undisturbed sleep, right? That's the funny thing. Even though I would hear all sorts of things overnight before, it would never take me long to fall back asleep again. And now that I know I'm probably going to be living alone, well... you get the idea.

I might have to bring out the music again, or at least try meditation. Music has been known to put me to sleep - probably because it stops me from thinking so much.

We'll see. I'll try it tonight. 

For a while, I've been thinking about the past several months in comparison with the present. I notice that I do feel much more connected to nature now, but not so much connected with spirit anymore. I don't feel like Adonai exploring the world... I've fallen back to my identity as Evaah, aspiring artist and writer, curled up in her room struggling through school and playing countless hours of GW2 to balance out her mental conflicts. 

I don't know whether that's a good thing. It feels like it's been so long since I was so deeply immersed in the world of spirit. I rarely think of my boys anymore - only when I see something relating to them, like dragons and lions and wolves. I've only recently been acknowledging Pierre, because the idea of him makes me feel safe and secure; his personality keeps me sane. But... when I try to actually communicate, it feels like I'm just talking to space. There's no presence, and not much meaning. 

I still do communicate, technically. Whenever I do tarot/oracle readings for myself, I call upon the assigned energy of the deck (although I don't have a deck for Pierre yet... he'll probably be assigned to the Mary-El I'm getting myself for my birthday). It seems that's all I have left, because sitting down with them... it's like I know they're not real. Or at least feel that they aren't.

Shiva - I haven't even heard from him since November or December. Can't recall exactly. I guess that just means there's nothing in my life that needs to be "destroyed" right now. 

There was a point in time when I was despairing over the "loss" of my boys. But now... I could hardly care. I look up at the drawing I did of me and Shiva and I can't even feel anything from it anymore. I used to be so passionate about that drawing - about him. Convinced we had this relationship that crossed over into the ethereal realms.

I'd laugh if this was all part of the "plot." It probably is, because I'd describe this moment in my life as a moment of "silence" - dark night of the soul, lacking creativity, feeling directionless, and so on... And whether I "created" this for myself, or whether it was already pre-destined, it still has one clear message: I need to slow down and live simply. It's okay to spend my time between GW2 and homework. I don't need to be productive all the time. 

I should probably turn that into an affirmation, because that idea is hard-wired into me.

...Eh. I had a whole lot more to write about regarding this topic, but I'll let it go for now. I have a list of things to do today that I'd like to get done soon: sketchbook drawings, a paper to write, and a reading quiz to take (if my professor would actually post it...). 

Also: I think I found a good artist name for myself.
Andromeda. 
But I'll stew on that.  

The Fall-Back Friend

johnofthenorth @ deviantART

Had a dream this morning about Hans (that would be my beamer... decided to drop the "Pierre" since I've been spending time with that French dragon lately). He was stolen in my school parking deck.

That's not very reassuring, because my mom and I took him this morning to get this audio thing installed as per the wishes of my dad. I personally think it's pointless, and a waste of money, especially if my dad plans on living overseas. But whatever. The point is, Hans will be at this place for the day - possibly overnight. So I'm a little wary.

I'm probably just overreacting, though. After all, that dream plays on my fear of having something happen to Hans while I'm at school - especially once I live alone... because my parents plan to get rid of our other two Ford Contours, which means I'm stuck with one car. And knowing how expensive he was, and all the care that was put into him... well. It makes him a very valuable gentleman. Lol. So I don't know. I've only had one precognitive dream that I can remember; I'm hoping that this one was just playing on my fears. I think it was, because the precognitive dream I had - the one about Lily from SF - felt different, and included no extraneous detail.

I had a couple of revelations yesterday. One was something that I always knew at the back of my head, and something that people often talk about, but at the same time, didn't truly "sink in" until last night in the shower: my worth in this society is determined by a piece of paper. That piece of paper being a degree.

Here I am, capable of being truly infinite, yet this society insists that I can't be anyone without a piece of paper to determine whether I have value. 

My other revelation was something I've been talking about for a while, but "sunk in" like the previous one... regarding how I stand as a friend. It truly hit me when I was in the restroom at school with my high school friend N and a class acquaintance, S. N and S were in the restroom before me. And rather than wait for me even as I was drying my hands, they left. I was walking a number of paces behind them back to class when I had the revelation: I'm always a fall-back friend. The one to go to when there's no one else to talk to.

I don't know whether to be insulted. Being an extreme introvert, a good majority of me thinks: who cares? All I need is myself, and maybe one really good friend who matches my vibration. At the same time, though, it really raises questions about the type of person I am. I'm very conscious of the way I communicate with people. I know when I'm not being truly honest with what I say, or whether I'm trying too hard to make a good impression on someone. 

But there's one quality about myself that I'm very proud of: my capability to listen.

It comes with being an introvert, I guess. Conversation is not my strong suit in the slightest; rather, I'm a listener. And people... people take advantage of that. I even observe it in my family. Like my brother, for instance. I recently learned that he does all his venting to me, but tells my mom all the important or secretive details of his life (especially regarding women). 

Is that what I am to people? A trash can? A receptacle in which to throw all your anger, drama, boasting, and insignificant details of your life? 

Oh, yes. Evaah's a good person to talk to, because she doesn't talk about herself much. She just allows me to talk about myself endlessly. 

I notice this in abundance with high school friend N. N loves to talk about herself, her family, how weird she and her family are, what all she can do, and so on. After spending four years around her, well... you get the point. There was a time when I thought I wouldn't care much whether I grew distant from her, but I kept up with her because we were both planning to attend the same college, and I felt it'd be good to have a solid friendship with someone when first starting out. But it's obvious that, when it comes down to it, I'm a last resort friend to her. And yet when she's not included into a conversation, etc., she tries desperately to throw herself in.

I'm getting a little tired of trying to maintain friendships. No. I'm getting way tired. These are not the "friends" I want. I don't do well with idle chatter. I don't like conversations about school and assignments and career and boyfriends. I want friends who can appreciate and embrace me, who share similar perspectives or a respect toward my own, who want to live simply, away from society, and take care of themselves. 

I was thinking about how cool it would be to have this home or organization for people who want to do what they love without conforming to the bullshit with which society has burdened us. Or better yet - a self-sustaining community, out in nature, without governmental influence. Unfortunately, the latter would be hard to accomplish.

A girl can dream, right? 

Odyssey

"Odyssey" - by Rassouli

I had a weird night in that I felt like I slept through a whole day. It seriously felt that long. I woke up and thought it was Wednesday, until I realized: "No. I have two projects to finish today."

I'm already finding myself burnt out. It's already midterm week - week 5 out of 10. I'm halfway done. This will be the busiest month because I have 3 papers to write on top of projects, memorizing art history, and keeping up with a sketchbook (I have 40 pages due next week, and I only have... 6?).

I know, I know. It hardly compares with my dad, who's balancing three jobs and is finishing up his last few courses for his master's degree. I shouldn't be complaining, right? We all have to work hard and stress ourselves out to the bone - otherwise, we're not worthy of anything.

Tsk. 

It's a battle, that's for sure. My lack of creativity has me in a semi-depressed state; the only thing that's keeping me going is my stubbornness. Thank Adonai for that. 

I just have to be patient and gentle with myself. It's not a very good feeling when you know in your heart that a path is wrong for you, yet you still walk it because everyone around you is attempting to convince you that it's the right thing to do. I don't belong in school. I'm not aiming for a corporate art career anymore, despite what my parents may think. 

But enough of that. I think I've whined about it enough. I have other issues bugging me aside from art, writing, and school... like not being able to sleep well. Then again, I think school's to blame. It got much worse at the beginning of last month. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and when I finally do, I'm practically dead. Things don't wake me up easily anymore, unless my body feels it's had enough sleep... which is uncommon. 

I was just looking at Voices of Adonai earlier. My last post was almost two months ago. I do miss those conversations. Perhaps I should go back and reread those posts to remind myself of everything I learned. As much as I would like to channel again, I don't think it's the right time. I definitely don't have the motivation. 

Pah. Some life, huh?

I really want to work on my sense of adventure. I'm so used to the familiar, the safe. I'm used to a sheltered life, where I approach only the things I know and am comfortable doing. But I think... I think to make the most of this life, I need to be adventurous. That seems to be the keyword for me this year. Maybe living alone will help me with that. 

One last bit of good news: I'm commissioning a dear friend of mine again. At first, I wasn't going to, because I wanted to save my money, and every time I commission her, I always want to spend so much... but she kept reposting the journal on dA, and I finally succumbed. I do have the money to spare, so it's not a big deal. I'm more than willing to part with $40 or so for her work. So I'm excited to see what she comes up with for my character. 

Now, to chill the rest of the day. 

The Thinker

"The Thinker" - by marctist @ deviantART

I wanted to elaborate for myself my current issues with this whole art and writing thing.

I suppose I should first say that I'm not so sure anymore what I'm "meant" to be doing. I had this grand old plan for a good solid year; I guess I was naive to think that it wouldn't change. But since I find myself changing - if not just a bit - I also find that my interests and desires are shifting, too.

I have never been happy with the way I draw. People in class always give me compliments, especially about how I have my own defined "style," but in all honesty, I hate my style. So it's very aggravating when my professor continues to say that my work is very stylized (although it is an illustration class), because it's a style I don't like, and can't seem to break out of.

But when I think about it, I don't know what kind of style I would want, which would be best suited for the material I plan on producing. See, I learned something in art school (go figure): all the best artists were/are known for doing this one thing fabulously - be it subject matter, style, or medium. I always thought it would be cool to be a "jack-of-all-trades" artist, where I can do many things fabulously, and can be utilized for a number of needs. It's what I'm most interested in, I think. After sitting in my 20th century art class, however, I've come to realize that in order to make an impact on this world, I need to have a strong message, which means that I need to pick something that will define me. 

I do have that "something" in mind, but now my question is: how do I approach it? I am definitely an independent artist. I don't want to work for or with anyone. I received some ideas in the shower the other day that might prove beneficial. I don't know. 

The problem is, I feel like I'm in a rush. I feel like I have to be amazing now, because if I'm not, I can't set myself up for that dream life I want. I suppose this is one of my biggest "flaws" - yet all the wisdom I've received in past months has been telling me to slow down, enjoy the ride, and acquire all the experience I can, even if the situation isn't ideal. 

Remember back when I said I was interested in starting an art blog? I've been thinking about that again recently, along with "identity." In the past, I wanted an identity for myself that didn't utilize my real name, because I don't resonate with my real name. But aside from E.R. and P.R., I can't decide on another "meaningful" name. I thought: "Why not just go with my real name?" Most people won't be able to pronounce it.. but then again, there have been plenty of artists in the past whose names we can't pronounce. 

But I digress. Long story short, I've been thinking about that art blog again, because I feel like it'd be a good way to document my process and development and also a way to get my name out there. People like that - they like seeing the process. They want to get in behind-the-scenes and see how fabulous works of art or film were produced. 

As far as writing goes... I'm feeling very lost. I can't really describe it, but I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps writing is the wrong method. I love stories. I'm a storyteller. I love creating fabulous worlds - especially fantasy ones. But when it comes to actually sitting down and writing something meaningful, something awesome and inspiring and that fits together perfectly, I lose hope and motivation. Is that my problem? Am I focused too much on it being publishable? Or should I just be trying a different medium, such as visual storytelling? 

I'm not a fan of sequential style, but perhaps "visual" storytelling - simply telling a story through illustrations - would be a good alternative. Hmm. No. That should be something else entirely, for projects that aren't as elaborate and complex as, say, Crucible or Winterspell. 

So yeah. I'm at a loss with this writing thing right now. Maybe I should just put it in the back of my mind. Maybe the answers will come later. I think I should enjoy not writing. World-building, yes. I could do that. Ideas for worlds and plots come through all the time. There's no harm in writing them down. But as far as actually weaving together a story goes... that'll have to wait until I can clear my head and gain some perspective.

One little side note before I end this post: I have to say, I'm actually kind of excited to be living alone. I'm terrified of having to handle everything myself, because I'm afraid of people taking advantage of me, but I realize that I can finally do almost everything I want to do in daily life without having my parents around to judge, criticize, or mock me. I can eat what I want, do readings without worrying about being walked in on, meditate in peace, and so on. It'll be a huge adjustment/learning curve, but I really have to focus on this sense of adventure, of breaking out of the familiar. So I say: bring it on. 

A day of GW2 awaits!     

Progression

bao22.blogspot.com

Quick post to note a few things; I have a project to work on today and the sooner I can make a certain amount of progress, the sooner I can relax and do what I really want. I'm still working on adjusting my attitude (not seeing it as work - I mean, come on, it's art), but I like making sure I'm in a good mental state to avoid getting stressed and ill.

Things are still on a small upward incline. But I'm in no rush. I have well learned by now that things are always as they should be. So I will enjoy this moment of "down" time, which has given me yet another experience to add onto my list. 

Big news yesterday. My dad has finally reached a point where he can say that it's very likely he and mom will be moving overseas for his teaching job in 6 months. He's saying August.

Now, we had a bit of discussion on this, and we came to the conclusion that there's no reason I couldn't live alone. They were talking about either having my cousin and her boyfriend move in or my beloved godfather - but I spoke up and told them that I would feel awkward with my cousin, and that despite how much I love my godfather, I don't think I would enjoy living with him permanently. 

So the big goal now is for my parents to "train" me on how to handle certain responsibilities on my own, and for them to make a list of A.) everything I would have to take care of by myself, and B.) everything they need to get done in the next six months.

Out of curiosity, I looked up those 3 annual readings I compiled and noted what the results were for August/September. August will seem to revolve around making choices, following heart's desires, evolving, growing, having adventures, and achievements. September, on the other hand, promises emotional loss, searching for something significant to self, and stress. 

I suppose that makes sense.

In other news, my desires when it comes to art and writing are shifting a bit. I'll probably sit down and write another post for myself in more detail, but in a nutshell, I'm wondering if writing is supposed to be more of a "long-term" project for myself, rather then something that earns me my biggest income. I say this because I never seem to be able to work consistently on my projects without coming to a wall or rethinking the plot, etc. I don't know if this is just because I'm not working in the way that I need to be, or if it's something I should be working on gradually in the background. I keep reminding myself that things don't have to be done ASAP. Society has groomed me into thinking this way. In fact, while watching Heroes yesterday, a relevant piece of dialogue came to my attention:

There's nothing wrong with being a seventeen-year-old girl for a while.

Of course, replace seventeen with almost twenty... but it's the context that applies. The whole basis of that quote is taking on something much bigger than yourself without even figuring out who you are first. I've been faced with that idea a few times recently - first, from Lulu, then, in a couple of other places. It really is true. We're all conditioned to think we need to perform some great act or deed or change the world in some significant way... I suppose that's the reason people often say: "Change must first come from within."

The only problem is, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be changing. I guess I should first start by practicing what I preach. Maybe then a path will form before me.

But I'll talk about this more later. Right now, I have a spring-themed project to work on.