Odyssey

"Odyssey" - by Rassouli

I had a weird night in that I felt like I slept through a whole day. It seriously felt that long. I woke up and thought it was Wednesday, until I realized: "No. I have two projects to finish today."

I'm already finding myself burnt out. It's already midterm week - week 5 out of 10. I'm halfway done. This will be the busiest month because I have 3 papers to write on top of projects, memorizing art history, and keeping up with a sketchbook (I have 40 pages due next week, and I only have... 6?).

I know, I know. It hardly compares with my dad, who's balancing three jobs and is finishing up his last few courses for his master's degree. I shouldn't be complaining, right? We all have to work hard and stress ourselves out to the bone - otherwise, we're not worthy of anything.

Tsk. 

It's a battle, that's for sure. My lack of creativity has me in a semi-depressed state; the only thing that's keeping me going is my stubbornness. Thank Adonai for that. 

I just have to be patient and gentle with myself. It's not a very good feeling when you know in your heart that a path is wrong for you, yet you still walk it because everyone around you is attempting to convince you that it's the right thing to do. I don't belong in school. I'm not aiming for a corporate art career anymore, despite what my parents may think. 

But enough of that. I think I've whined about it enough. I have other issues bugging me aside from art, writing, and school... like not being able to sleep well. Then again, I think school's to blame. It got much worse at the beginning of last month. It takes me forever to fall asleep, and when I finally do, I'm practically dead. Things don't wake me up easily anymore, unless my body feels it's had enough sleep... which is uncommon. 

I was just looking at Voices of Adonai earlier. My last post was almost two months ago. I do miss those conversations. Perhaps I should go back and reread those posts to remind myself of everything I learned. As much as I would like to channel again, I don't think it's the right time. I definitely don't have the motivation. 

Pah. Some life, huh?

I really want to work on my sense of adventure. I'm so used to the familiar, the safe. I'm used to a sheltered life, where I approach only the things I know and am comfortable doing. But I think... I think to make the most of this life, I need to be adventurous. That seems to be the keyword for me this year. Maybe living alone will help me with that. 

One last bit of good news: I'm commissioning a dear friend of mine again. At first, I wasn't going to, because I wanted to save my money, and every time I commission her, I always want to spend so much... but she kept reposting the journal on dA, and I finally succumbed. I do have the money to spare, so it's not a big deal. I'm more than willing to part with $40 or so for her work. So I'm excited to see what she comes up with for my character. 

Now, to chill the rest of the day.