A Day of Self-Love

"Love's Embrace" - by Rassouli

I've never been big on V-day. And not for the typical "I'm bitter because I'm alone" reason. If it hasn't been made clear yet, I'm not much of a relationship person - and even if I was, I wouldn't invest much in yet another overly commercialized holiday such as Valentine's. 

So instead on focusing on the romantic aspect of this day, I chose to focus on my feelings of self-worth and self-love, because believe it or not, they've been faltering as of late. Perhaps it has to do with my feeling lost, or the "darkness" that I face. Whatever the case, being immersed in such a physical lifestyle has twisted my perception of myself. I reverted back to seeing my shell as "me," and therefore have been doing a lot of thinking about my appearance and my identity as a human being. 

I had a small realization - or revelation - yesterday while in the shower (all the best thoughts do come in the shower) that touched back on my past, when I used to believe strongly that we pave our own path rather than follow a destined one. The way things are lining up as of late has caught my attention. The other day, I felt inclined to reread the latest post on Voices of Adonai, in which Adonai had talked about awareness. It had said:

Does that mean, then, that it's pointless to pave your own way in life? Of course not. Like I mentioned before: life is half free will, half pre-programming. I will say this, however - it is by utilizing free will that you are following the pre-programmed steps.

It seems contradictory, but it makes sense if you bring in the whole idea of balance. But the reason I brought this up is because my realization suggested that one of the reasons why I'm so down is because my thoughts/attitude are playing a big role in my day-to-day life. I'm not living what I learned. Instead, I wake up and think: "I don't want to go to school." Then, when I'm in class: "I want to go home." Then, when I'm home: "I don't want to do homework."

I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. I don't enjoy this. I'm uncreative. I have no good friends. These thoughts run through my head every day. And perhaps that's the reason why I'm struggling.

I don't know. I can't tell if this is a pre-destined situation or one that I attracted myself. Is it both? I can't say. In fact, I'll probably never know. I'll be spending the rest of my life wondering if everything is pre-scripted for our benefit, or if all the New Agers were truly right: that we create our own realities. 

But despite the detachment I've had with spirit, I can still feel Adonai probing at the back of my mind, reminding me gently of what I should be doing. Reminding me of my worth (and as I type this, I hear that quote: "The world would be a very different place without you in it"). 

So screw the chocolates, roses, and wine. Today, I'm in love with myself. 

I asked Cernunnos for a couple of suggestions as to how I can improve my sense of self-worth again. He gave me Nine of Fire - Pluto and Beltane. Short and sweet, plain and simple. Change is needed. Transformation is needed. And Beltane brings in the feelings of enthusiasm, love, and celebration, and union. I have to admit: the Beltane card gives me a pang of nostalgia, because God and Goddess are depicted in a way that reminds me of the drawing I did of Shiva. Or Spike. I don't even have to dwell on these cards long to know what's being communicated here... although I wonder if that Beltane card is speaking a little more than I expected.

It'll be a long process. A journey. But I'm stubborn enough to want to make things right.

A few things to mention before I pop off to do a bit of homework before committing myself to a day of GW2: 

• My brother turned 21 yesterday. Weird to think he's an "official" adult. As society dictates, anyway. 
• I've had a couple of interesting dreams in the past few days - one involved a baby dolphin who had been beaten (and therefore was bloody) and another had me vacationing in what looked like Italy again. 
• Received a personal confirmation for the name "Andromeda." 
• Listening to music before bed seemed to help a little. I might have to try listening to something soothing (like medi music or binaurals) to fall asleep more quickly.  

Off I go then.