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| "The Summons" - by Rassouli |
I would say: well, maybe that's a good thing. It means I would have undisturbed sleep, right? That's the funny thing. Even though I would hear all sorts of things overnight before, it would never take me long to fall back asleep again. And now that I know I'm probably going to be living alone, well... you get the idea.
I might have to bring out the music again, or at least try meditation. Music has been known to put me to sleep - probably because it stops me from thinking so much.
We'll see. I'll try it tonight.
For a while, I've been thinking about the past several months in comparison with the present. I notice that I do feel much more connected to nature now, but not so much connected with spirit anymore. I don't feel like Adonai exploring the world... I've fallen back to my identity as Evaah, aspiring artist and writer, curled up in her room struggling through school and playing countless hours of GW2 to balance out her mental conflicts.
I don't know whether that's a good thing. It feels like it's been so long since I was so deeply immersed in the world of spirit. I rarely think of my boys anymore - only when I see something relating to them, like dragons and lions and wolves. I've only recently been acknowledging Pierre, because the idea of him makes me feel safe and secure; his personality keeps me sane. But... when I try to actually communicate, it feels like I'm just talking to space. There's no presence, and not much meaning.
I still do communicate, technically. Whenever I do tarot/oracle readings for myself, I call upon the assigned energy of the deck (although I don't have a deck for Pierre yet... he'll probably be assigned to the Mary-El I'm getting myself for my birthday). It seems that's all I have left, because sitting down with them... it's like I know they're not real. Or at least feel that they aren't.
Shiva - I haven't even heard from him since November or December. Can't recall exactly. I guess that just means there's nothing in my life that needs to be "destroyed" right now.
There was a point in time when I was despairing over the "loss" of my boys. But now... I could hardly care. I look up at the drawing I did of me and Shiva and I can't even feel anything from it anymore. I used to be so passionate about that drawing - about him. Convinced we had this relationship that crossed over into the ethereal realms.
I'd laugh if this was all part of the "plot." It probably is, because I'd describe this moment in my life as a moment of "silence" - dark night of the soul, lacking creativity, feeling directionless, and so on... And whether I "created" this for myself, or whether it was already pre-destined, it still has one clear message: I need to slow down and live simply. It's okay to spend my time between GW2 and homework. I don't need to be productive all the time.
I should probably turn that into an affirmation, because that idea is hard-wired into me.
...Eh. I had a whole lot more to write about regarding this topic, but I'll let it go for now. I have a list of things to do today that I'd like to get done soon: sketchbook drawings, a paper to write, and a reading quiz to take (if my professor would actually post it...).
Also: I think I found a good artist name for myself.
Andromeda.
But I'll stew on that.
The lull will pass soon enough, but you already knew that right? :o Think of it like a tide, it rolls in and washes away some sand and replaces it with other sand but ultimately, it will keep rolling in and out and the sand is all part of the same so eventually it will all mix up and some of the old grains will come back, just in a different way from before.
ReplyDeleteAndromeda is a beautiful name. It's a Greek name I've always liked, it sort of feels like a strong, self assured name, to me at least. I think it suits you :3
That happens to me too, an I could have sworn that I was fully awake during those times. But the next morning, my ex boyfriend would still insist that I was snoring very loudly the entire night. Sometimes he'd even punch or shove me to get me to roll over. But I could never understand why he was doing that, since I could still hear all the noise from the freeway near our house, but not my own snoring. Was very stressful time period :(
ReplyDeleteAnd then sometimes, when I know I'm not really asleep, I'll get hypersensitive to the spirit world and can actually feel myself getting "touched" by someone. Or feel my ethereal body sliding out or lifting up from my body. I think my favorite, is when I get back massages, lol.
But yes, I know what it's like to not feel so connected to all my guides, friends and family in the spirit world all the time. Sometimes I really miss them, and sometimes I'm just too busy to think about them all that much. I think sometimes they also take a step back from us, so that we don't dwell on that realm so much that we wind up missing out on our own realm in the physical world.
I do agree with Lulu on the name though. Andromeda is such a pretty name.