The Fall-Back Friend

johnofthenorth @ deviantART

Had a dream this morning about Hans (that would be my beamer... decided to drop the "Pierre" since I've been spending time with that French dragon lately). He was stolen in my school parking deck.

That's not very reassuring, because my mom and I took him this morning to get this audio thing installed as per the wishes of my dad. I personally think it's pointless, and a waste of money, especially if my dad plans on living overseas. But whatever. The point is, Hans will be at this place for the day - possibly overnight. So I'm a little wary.

I'm probably just overreacting, though. After all, that dream plays on my fear of having something happen to Hans while I'm at school - especially once I live alone... because my parents plan to get rid of our other two Ford Contours, which means I'm stuck with one car. And knowing how expensive he was, and all the care that was put into him... well. It makes him a very valuable gentleman. Lol. So I don't know. I've only had one precognitive dream that I can remember; I'm hoping that this one was just playing on my fears. I think it was, because the precognitive dream I had - the one about Lily from SF - felt different, and included no extraneous detail.

I had a couple of revelations yesterday. One was something that I always knew at the back of my head, and something that people often talk about, but at the same time, didn't truly "sink in" until last night in the shower: my worth in this society is determined by a piece of paper. That piece of paper being a degree.

Here I am, capable of being truly infinite, yet this society insists that I can't be anyone without a piece of paper to determine whether I have value. 

My other revelation was something I've been talking about for a while, but "sunk in" like the previous one... regarding how I stand as a friend. It truly hit me when I was in the restroom at school with my high school friend N and a class acquaintance, S. N and S were in the restroom before me. And rather than wait for me even as I was drying my hands, they left. I was walking a number of paces behind them back to class when I had the revelation: I'm always a fall-back friend. The one to go to when there's no one else to talk to.

I don't know whether to be insulted. Being an extreme introvert, a good majority of me thinks: who cares? All I need is myself, and maybe one really good friend who matches my vibration. At the same time, though, it really raises questions about the type of person I am. I'm very conscious of the way I communicate with people. I know when I'm not being truly honest with what I say, or whether I'm trying too hard to make a good impression on someone. 

But there's one quality about myself that I'm very proud of: my capability to listen.

It comes with being an introvert, I guess. Conversation is not my strong suit in the slightest; rather, I'm a listener. And people... people take advantage of that. I even observe it in my family. Like my brother, for instance. I recently learned that he does all his venting to me, but tells my mom all the important or secretive details of his life (especially regarding women). 

Is that what I am to people? A trash can? A receptacle in which to throw all your anger, drama, boasting, and insignificant details of your life? 

Oh, yes. Evaah's a good person to talk to, because she doesn't talk about herself much. She just allows me to talk about myself endlessly. 

I notice this in abundance with high school friend N. N loves to talk about herself, her family, how weird she and her family are, what all she can do, and so on. After spending four years around her, well... you get the point. There was a time when I thought I wouldn't care much whether I grew distant from her, but I kept up with her because we were both planning to attend the same college, and I felt it'd be good to have a solid friendship with someone when first starting out. But it's obvious that, when it comes down to it, I'm a last resort friend to her. And yet when she's not included into a conversation, etc., she tries desperately to throw herself in.

I'm getting a little tired of trying to maintain friendships. No. I'm getting way tired. These are not the "friends" I want. I don't do well with idle chatter. I don't like conversations about school and assignments and career and boyfriends. I want friends who can appreciate and embrace me, who share similar perspectives or a respect toward my own, who want to live simply, away from society, and take care of themselves. 

I was thinking about how cool it would be to have this home or organization for people who want to do what they love without conforming to the bullshit with which society has burdened us. Or better yet - a self-sustaining community, out in nature, without governmental influence. Unfortunately, the latter would be hard to accomplish.

A girl can dream, right?