I had a brief cry yesterday - a release from all the crap that I tend to bury over several months. My mood began to go downhill after my professor told me at critique that my comp was too rough; I spent the remainder of class listening to the GW2 soundtrack and preparing my illustration board for the final project. I actually had a student in my class ask me why I looked so sad; of course, I just shrugged it off with a smile and told him it was nothing.
On my drive home last night, I tried to uplift myself again. I sang along to one of my favorite radio songs (I'm not fond of many) and appreciated the quiet darkness of night like I always do (I actually enjoy night driving for that reason - I feel like I'm tucked away from the world). But my trigger occurred when it took me multiple attempts to back into the garage correctly. I kept getting too close to the wall or to my mom's car. I blame the garage remote... but the frustration associated with this set my trigger, and when I stepped inside, my mom asked me what was wrong. I told her I was glad to be home... and then I could feel the tears begin to form, so I hurried into the privacy of the shower before my parents could realize I was about to cry.
Today, I feel beaten. I woke up at 8 as opposed to 7, which I've been doing for the past several mornings. I had a strange dream that involved a moa-like bird in our neighborhood... I had witnessed this bird eat a squirrel. Saw the blood gush and everything. I don't have the energy or motivation to try and figure out what this one means... nor do I have the motivation to figure out what yesterday morning's dream meant (two meteors falling on Louisiana).
A brief diversion, here, since I'm on topic: the Russian meteor. I'm frankly astonished at the lack of publicity behind this event. I only saw 2-3 other people besides myself even mention it. Is that because it happened in Russia? I get the feeling that things would've been a lot different had the meteor landed in the west. The U.S. or western Europe or something. Yet... I'm still oddly fascinated by this event. Hence why I dreamed about it, I suppose.
But back to my first topic... I feel bruised and beaten - sapped of energy. I'm grateful that I don't really have anything to do today other than begin acquiring sources for the 5-6 page research paper I have due on the 27th. My body aches in several places, I'm tired, the backs of my hands are dry and cracking to the point of pain, and my mood - well, we're back to square one for the moment.
I had a sentimental moment this morning, though, when I was on tumblr, scrolling through only to find an image of Shiva sitting on my dashboard. I don't see Shiva all that often on my dash, so I was caught by surprise. It seemed so fitting... as though that's his way of reminding me that his energy is still around, even if I don't actively search for it anymore. There was something about this image that kept pulling me in. I'd scroll down, but scroll up to look at him again. Like a flicker of connection or meaning.
It's too early to tell whether this is just him saying, "I'm here - don't forget that," or that he's suggesting something in my life is soon to be destroyed. I'll have to keep an eye on things. Maha Shivratri (or Shivaratri) is coming up soon... I need to remember that, because I'd like to have a medi session with him that night. Maybe that's part of the reason he showed up - because if he hadn't, I wouldn't have thought of him, and that wouldn't have led me to remind myself when Maha Shivratri is. Hm.
All in due time, I guess.
The more I sit in school and listen to what they're preparing me for, the more miserable I become. Despite how much I think: "I won't be a part of this; I'm here to develop my own skill for my own personal reasons," the stress still eventually gets to me, as noted by yesterday's release. I dream of living out in nature, with flora and fauna as my best friends. Of tending a garden and living amongst people who are truly interested in me. Of separating myself from this horrible system. Of being free to produce whatever art and writing I like without having to worry about whether it's good enough.
That probably explains my lack of creativity. I think about so many lovely stories, but in my mind, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that it's already been done, or that I won't be able to write it properly, or that it won't be interesting enough.
I feel like I'm in a maelstrom. Going round and round, practically drowning. Unable to claw my way out of this dark and miserable vortex. I don't think I'll be truly happy until the end of May comes around - when summer break is here, and the only thing I have to worry about is preparing to live on my own.
I'm a broken record. I realize that. But I need to express these feelings, and writing is how I do it best.
Shiva, I could use your help, if the time's right.
Oh munchkin, if you're a broken record, then so am I about different things (ahem XD)... sometimes we need to keep going round in circles though, to get through things or work past problems. It's not a bad thing. As for all of the other issues getting to you, just keep taking one step at a time is all I can suggest. Oh and don't be too alone either, if you need someone to talk to, I'm always here. Don't let yourself drown in this hole, if I can swim, so can you.
ReplyDeleteAbout hating uni and not wanting to be there, I know how you feel... in the end all I could do to channel that was to focus on getting through a day or a week and eventually, you get to a holiday. Surviving a week with all the homework is hard enough in itself, -I know- but try to find some enjoyment in the weekends if you can, otherwise it'll feel like an extremely long way to go. Look at it this way, we're almost mid-week already ;)
*astral hug*