Blocks & Resistance

by jialu @ deviantART

Today's draw is for Time of Beth, where we focus on inner blocks and resistances holding us back. I drew the Book of Shadows, which I find a little surprising. Since there's not much to glean from the image, I have to reflect on what the Book of Shadows is, and how it's used. Some would say the BoS is a personal book of magic and self-exploration. Not only does it house information about your practices, it can serve as a journal of sorts... and it houses all the spells to which you're drawn. So in that way, it represents research, knowledge, tradition, understanding, and beliefs practiced in life. When I reflect on what this means for my blocks and resistances, I wonder if perhaps this card is primarily playing on the latter: beliefs practiced in life. There have been many beliefs/theories/feelings I've talked about in this blog that I admit I haven't yet incorporated or projected into my life - not because I'm deceiving myself or others, really. It mainly has to do with laziness and a feeling of not being "ready" to practice such beliefs. One example I think of is the whole situation on trying to create art from the heart without worrying about skill or competition. I keep telling myself I'll do it, but I haven't done that yet. 

There are plenty of other examples, but I won't bother trying to dig them all up. I have to admit I wasn't quite expecting this to be my answer. I thought there would be something different - something deeper in my psyche that I wouldn't be aware of... like my insecurities. But perhaps this is equally important. I can't expect to make much forward progress if I don't live the life I'm crafting through all my words and "spells." I need to start practicing those beliefs. Maybe then I'll start seeing some profound changes in my life.

In other news, I had a bit of an interesting night with Lor. Brother was away at a party from seven to midnight, so I had plenty of time to talk with him undisturbed (for the most part... mom was still here). However, despite my excitement to have a few hours alone with him, there ended up being an emergency on his end. I don't think I'll specify what that emergency was, but it really allowed me to connect with him on a different level. I saw a new facet to his character. And even though I was a teensy bit annoyed at the universe for "ruining" this long night, I'm very happy I got to experience it. In the end, the emergency was resolved with good news, and I'm pretty sure we're closer as a result. So thanks for that, universe.

As I told him last night, there's a miniscule part of me that still fears, though. It fears that this is all a charade, or a trap. It's just so unreal to me: to have someone find and fall in love with me, of all people. My gut isn't threatened by him, so I'm pretty sure he's exactly who he says he is (he's opened his soul up to me quite a bit), but there's still that tiny fear wondering, "What if he's lying? What if he's just a really patient stalker or sex offender or something? What if he's really good at sweet-talking women, and telling them exactly what they want to hear?" 

A much larger part of myself thinks this is ridiculous, though. I've intuitively studied his responses and even watched for any warning signs, such as intrusive questions or him trying to persuade me to do certain uncomfortable things, but so far, I've been given no reason to believe he's malevolent, or not telling the truth. This is for real. And perhaps one of the many challenges here is to overcome that fear and learn to trust people again. 

..Now let's see if I can weasel in a reading today before brother wakes up.