Day Becomes Night

by clowneee @ deviantART

The frustrations and fear are already building up. It's hard to not be fearful when you know that your future will be based on other people expressing interest in your work. Even though I have support from many in the area of spirit art, most - if not all - of this support comes from SF, and you can't advertise on SF, so it's not like I can go on there and be like: "Hey guys, come over to this site and pay me for an actual reading this time" (although a good handful did say they wanted to...). 

My parents aren't helping. I'm feeling ever more frustrated with school, and meanwhile, my dad's talking about the future as though I'm still going to be in school. We haven't yet talked about the whole break thing - I'm not even sure when that'll happen. 

I suppose this is just part of the whole experience. I can't expect an easy transition - there has to be difficulty to face to make it worthwhile. I just wish I had something else besides gut feelings to tell me that I really should do this. I was actually planning on getting a professional reading, but I have yet to find someone who (A) is reasonable in price for an art student and (B) who doesn't inconvenience me somehow if he/she is.

I don't know. I guess I'm just intimidated, which is to be expected. Going this route - even if temporarily - will be a learning curve. If I start making money, I'm pretty sure that means taxes are involved, and I know nothing about how taxes work. In fact, there are probably other things about finances or earning income that I'm not aware of. I'm not sure if a commission-based reading system is considered a "business" that I have to register, either. So yeah. It's daunting. I have research to do, but I don't even know where to begin, because I literally have no idea. 

It seems my parents' way of "training" me to live alone is to throw me into the deep end of the pool - kind of like my computer art professor. Anytime I ask a question, they just tell me to research it myself. Just last night I found out that my dad wants me to go do the smog check on Hans while I'm out at the dentist today, but he wants me to get it done at one of the shadiest places in the neighborhood. As much as I'd like to trust people... by Adonai, that place gives me bad vibes. I've seen 5 cops there at one point, and a lot of dudes just... hanging around. I'm sure it's a good idea to send a young, clueless woman with a nice BMW to one of the shadiest emissions joints in the neighborhood...

Speaking of dentist... ugh. I don't want to go. If it were closer, I wouldn't mind so much, but it's all the way in my old county, which is like a 30-40 minute drive on two of the most frustrating highways in the area. This is the first time I have to go alone. And after almost getting hit on my way back from that old county (a couple months ago), I'm a little... yeah. 

Oh, man. This sucks. My head is now filled with all sorts of thoughts - from ones filled with doubt to ones looking for compromise. Part of me is trying to decide whether I should go with the logical approach and hope to find that "secure" job (which makes me nauseated just thinking about it), or just put all my faith into the mix of things that I'd like to do and be happy despite the time it may take to earn a decent income. I've been thinking of ways I could network or make connections with people who've had success in my area, but my shyness and my reluctance to "bother" these people have been holding me back. There's a relevant Teal Scott quote that comes to mind:

Both fear and faith demand that you believe in something that you cannot see. You cannot see it, because it does not yet exist. And so the question to ask yourself is: what do I want to believe in? The worst case scenario, or the best? 

I really like to believe this is true. It resonates so deeply. Do I really take that leap of faith? In my perspective, I can either experience challenges on a path that makes me happy, or experience suffering on a path that I can't guarantee how long will last. 

And one of the worst parts of this situation... I feel like I'm being rushed into deciding. One may say you have all the time in the world, and maybe that's true, but you run the risk of inconveniencing others. That's part of why I'm afraid to talk to my parents - because I feel like I'd be inconveniencing them with my plan - I'm afraid that it'll clash with their own plans of living overseas, etc. The point is: I need their help. I need them to give me a foundation. They can't just throw me in the deep end and expect me to swim when I've never swam before. That's like teaching algebra to a baby who doesn't know anything about numbers. 

It stings a little, because I remember them praising my brother highly for living alone and "getting his shit done" - in other words, they were praising him for being able to manage without much help from them. I, on the other hand, feel absolutely clueless, and even more frustrated because my brother somehow found a way to make it work, even though I'm sure our parents didn't teach him all that much (unless I'm missing something). 

But I'm just venting now. Tl;dr I'm scared, doubtful, and frustrated, and am looking for a solid answer. However, I get the feeling I won't ever get one... because that's the first challenge, it seems.

Better go get some work done...