Touch of Love

by Rassouli

I'm having an odd sort of day. It hasn't been bad, but I can only describe it as... I don't know. Full of interesting contemplations? 

I just got back from a drive with my parents. Looking at all the beautiful greenery and scenery got me thinking about all sorts of things, from my future to how fascinating the world is. I've been spending the day being both lazy and creatively productive, and between that, I've contemplated the whole spirit art thing again, because I realized once again how dissatisfied I am with my work. It was triggered by this chick I found on another forum: a digital artist who claims to paint guides and stuff too. I didn't actually see that much of her work - or her depictions of guides, for that matter - but it was pretty good and it reminded me of where I want to go with my own work. 

I realize that I have my own unique flavor. I guess I'm just in panic mode right now, because I'm feeling so much pressure, and I can't seem to find someone in my area who'd be willing to support me and let me draw for people face-to-face. My dad's not helping with his "you need to find employment" spiel. And now, because I don't know what to do or where to go, I feel like I have to be really good at what I do so I can earn money and sustain myself. So I've been spending the day thinking about what else I could offer as well as ways to sharpen my connection to others when reading for them.

But during the drive, I thought of El'azar, whom I connected with the other day when answering the "spirit phone." El'azar, being my earthy mentor, always uses nature as his teacher, and it got me thinking about how I could incorporate this into my process. It also brought me to a realization: perhaps the reason I'm having trouble connecting with others is because there's a lack of love involved. 

Let me be honest with myself. Thanks to society, and my parents hounding me into finding a "reliable job," I've made income one of my main priorities. It doesn't come before my happiness, but I'm going to have bills to pay, so what I do definitely has to earn me profit. Because of this, I've been obsessed with the idea of ensuring people will get their money's worth when I start charging for readings. I want to help them, and I feel awful for charging them, but I need to sustain myself. 

However, as of late, my main focus has been ensuring my skills are good so that I can be good enough to charge people and sustain myself. I have a list of people I'm practicing readings on, but it's difficult. You know why? Because I don't feel connected to them!

With the exception of a few who are close friends or who have good energy, I'm pretty much reading faceless strangers on the Internet. There is no connection here. It's hard to connect to someone whom I don't know, who is intangible, who comes to me just to take advantage of my trying to perfect my skills. Is it impossible? No. But it definitely makes things uninteresting and difficult. 

I don't want to disappoint people. That's why I'm a little intimidated. I'm feeling rushed thanks to my parents, and despite being told by a handful of people that I'm "accurate enough," I just don't feel like I am. I feel like I'm one of those extremely rare individuals who had to build up her skills from scratch. Every other psychic I've seen always reports some god-given ability or a wide range of skills they've had since birth, and I'm sitting here like: "How the hell do I compete with that?" I only started spirit/psychic art a year and a half ago, with no exceptionally strong skills to assist me.

I know it's not a competition, but I still have to coax people into paying me for my service, so as far as I'm concerned, I need to be "better" than the other lovely people offering such services. And to do that, I need to (A) better connect with people to get more specific information, and (B) improve my technical drawing skills. 

And I think El'azar has a way to help me with (A).

Enough of that, though. I whine way too much about this topic. I still want to write it down, though, because it's part of the journey. 

In other news, I actually did some writing today. It's not good writing, but I have to keep reminding myself that this is just a draft, and that it doesn't have to be perfect the first time around. 

So yeah. Beautiful day, a nice drive, some writing, a milkshake, and some fresh perspective. Not bad. I have some more thinking to do...