Second Thoughts

"Ectoplasm" by gidragirl @ deviantART

So after stewing on it for a few days, I'm beginning to think that maybe I should stay in school for the meantime. I don't completely hate it, and even though I would prefer living simply at the moment and following my heart's desires, I'm not sure I'm ready to throw myself out into the world just yet. I need time to get my ducks lined in a row - I need to get my name out there, I need to spend time working on my craft, I need to research the most effective ways to manifest my desires, and so on. If I jumped out now, then I would have to scurry around and find a job, because my parents won't allow me to squat in this house without either working or attending school.

Plus... I don't want my parents to worry about me. I mean, I really don't care what they think, but I love my parents, and if it gives them peace of mind to know that I have a degree, then I suppose I can at least continue on with my major. I'll just drop my storyboarding minor. And you know what's funny about that? For some reason, I never officially declared my minor. Something in the back of my mind was always like: "No. Don't do it yet." 

I do feel a little humiliated for reacting the way I did. But you know - I'm glad that whole "talk" happened, because it allowed me to release the pent-up frustration and stress that's been churning inside me. School really isn't my atmosphere. I don't "network," I don't ask that many questions, I don't attend events or artist visits or lectures outside of class (mainly because I don't want to make the half-hour trip over there). I don't have many friends. My skill at the present moment is a step above average compared to my classmates. So knowing that I'll have to deal with this till 2015 is a little... depressing for someone who doesn't really want to be here. 

But you know, illustration will help me with my own path. I'll have a degree to make my parents feel at ease, but I'll also have the skills for book illustration, spirit art, and other general illustration work (freelance/commission work, etc.). So I think as long as I see school as helping to contribute to what I want out of life, I'll be okay. Storyboarding is cool and all, but it's not for me. Sequential art isn't my forte, and a storyboarding career is very demanding and impersonal. Well. Most/all film art careers are. 

So yeah. I'll finish this quarter (14 more days!), stew on it over winter break to make sure this is really what I want, and trudge along. I'll probably talk to my dad to see if I can start making a bit of money with spirit art or other commissions. I'd also be interested in working at P&D over the summer or something. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Something unrelated I've been thinking about: calcified pineal glands. I heard about it a couple years ago, but never thought too much of it because I wasn't sure if it was true. But lately, I've been kinda pointed in that direction. They say calcification occurs from fluoride consumption... I do use fluoride toothpaste, and drink our tap water (through PUR filter), which I understand has fluoride in it (about .7 mg per liter). I used to use fluoride mouthwash, but switched to listerine about two years ago as a means of reducing my fluoride intake. 

Fluoride seems to be less beneficial than we initially thought. Apparently, it's a neurotoxin, which has been known to lower the IQ in children who consume it. But in the spiritual community, we understand that it calcifies the pineal gland. 

I always wondered why my sensitivity is dull. I've spent 2.5 years on a spiritual path, and a year and half working on spiritual awareness/skills. But all that time - in all my life - I've never recorded any sharp sensitivity. I've never seen anything fantastic with my physical eyes (other than sparklies and an aura... once), I've never sensed spirit in a room, I've never had more than a couple lucid dreams, I've never experienced major empathy, I've never heard voices (other than the pre-sleep mumblings occasionally), and I've never had any OBEs except for one spontaneous one back in April '09. I've been pushing my inner sight, but most of my information still comes through generally, and it only comes when I make it my intention. 

I guess a year and a half isn't such a big deal, but I get the impression there's something "blocking" me. I don't know if it's really my pineal gland, or if the problem lies somewhere else (like diet), or if there's even a problem at all. It's just a feeling I have in my gut... that something is preventing me from reaching higher sensitivity. Either way, I guess I should at least reduce my fluoride intake even more. I'll switch to a fluoride-free toothpaste... then all I'll be consuming is water (which, regrettably, is probably where I'm getting most of the fluoride). But hey - small steps, right? I probably wouldn't be able to convince my parents to try a reverse-osmosis filter instead of the PUR one. 

Other than that, I've just been dwelling on my manifestations, working on meditation, and programming myself to "see" out of my inner eye. My dream this morning was travel-related - based on the Louisiana trip we're taking next month for Thanksgiving. Nothing special out of that one. 

One day at a time...

Finny x