Running Low on Fumes

"Binds" - by rhinoting @ deviantART

Beware. This'll be long.

To be honest, I'm not happy. Well. I mean, I'm happy, but I'm not happy for my future, because I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, and I feel like I'm wasting time. This plays on something I mentioned several weeks back at SF, where I said I felt like I should expect an early death. I know this is something that I shouldn't be thinking about. Some out there might even think it's silly. I don't care. 

I just... I don't see a point anymore. I've kept this at the back of my mind because I didn't want myself to end up simply "killing time." But you know what? That's exactly what I'm doing. In school. This whole art school thing is my way of killing time. Or at least biding time. See, my dad gave me a choice: he said I could freeload off him and mom (so to speak), as long as I either worked or attended school. Technically, I didn't want to go to college. I was done with "school." But my parents nudged me toward it because they thought it'd be good for me. To help "put hair on my chest" (as my dad says) and get me a decent-paying job, too, doing what I "love."

I went along with it for a few reasons. 1.) Because I sure as hell wasn't ready to work - especially at some retail joint. 2.) Because I figured it'd be a good way to dramatically improve my artistic skill. 3.) It would give me time to get my ducks lined in a row regarding my future (personal art/writing projects and whatnot). 4.) I figured yeah, it might help me get a good job in the future.

This is my fourth quarter at school. I just started taking my major/minor classes (although I haven't *officially* stated my minor) - the first year was pretty much all foundation classes. And the more time that passes, the more I'm starting to lose interest. My gut keeps speaking out: "This isn't right for me. This is a waste of time and money." It literally feels like I'm going to school just to kill time. What am I waiting for? This "early death" that I'm anticipating? 

I just had my mom tell me that I looked pale and bony today. And just a few days ago, my dad had a mini-freak out when he discovered I had big cyst on my scalp (it's not HUGE, but it's not miniscule). I actually have two smaller cysts along with it, but they never bothered me, and I read that they weren't dangerous unless they compressed a certain area, etc., so I told him I refused to see a doctor. It actually caught me off guard, because my dad hates spending money on doctors (we don't have health insurance).  I have a couple of other minor issues, too. I haven't been falling asleep easily (I usually do when I'm in school). I feel slow and lethargic when I'm not focused on tasks or distracting myself. 

I know I said I wanted to experience life. But I want to experience the things that I don't have easy access to in this bloody century. Everything I want to experience costs a lot of money. Traveling. Producing lots of art. Eating well. Doing what I love without having to work in crapholes I'd rather avoid. 

But even still, I feel... dry. Empty. I'm not as creative as I like to think I am. My art is average, and my beloved stories - I keep running around in circles with them. There's so much I want to write about, yet I keep hitting walls because of my perfectionist nature, and THEN, I worry that I'm unintentionally copying someone else. Lately, I haven't been receiving that much inspiration. And because I'm in school, I can't work on these projects as much as I'd like.  When I finally do sit down, I find myself staring at the screen, rereading paragraphs until something comes to mind.

"Farewell to Elysium" - by kairosis @ dA

Actually, these days, I've been wanting to teach. And it's interesting because I gave myself a mini card reading yesterday and had it tell me that it's part of my life purpose. I recall Trieah mentioning similar things in the life purpose reading she gave me a while back. But even though I feel the desire, how am I supposed to go about doing it? Would people even listen to me? Because most of them sure haven't in the past. I just had a friend from dA tell me that she found a "twinflame," so I gave some friendly advice to avoid attaching too much significance to that label, to which she replied, "I like having a name for it." When I asked why, she said, "Because I like naming things. It doesn't interfere with my experience." 

I mean, if it's true for her, I can't interfere with that. But it still made me facepalm a little, for reasons that are off-topic to this post. The same thing has happened between me and countless other individuals from SF, where I would try to give my own opinion on a matter, and the sitter would disregard me and beg for an answer from "spirit," because hell - my opinion doesn't count. I'm just a tool to them, apparently. 

Ugh. I don't know. I just can't sit here and want to live knowing that I'll be unhappy. I guess someone might be thinking: "Why not make yourself happy?" After all, I'm always talking about creating my own life. But it's not that easy. It never is. Even if life is good for experience, it now seems so pointless. We sit and play this game over and over with countless instances of ourselves... joining into the Earth system, fitting into society, building up a toolbox of skills and knowledge, and ultimately ditching it all.

Remember when I said I wanted to go into film art? Yeah. The only reason I wanted that was so I could personally work on my own projects if/when they are published and adapted into film. I thought: hey. Maybe when my stories hit the big screen, my school experience will encourage the director to let me contribute with my own skills. That's one of my big dreams. And it's not even for the money. Of course I'll accept the money, because I'll be almost $100k in debt by then, but there's something rewarding about seeing your own creation adapted into another form... especially film. 

So I guess my problem revolves around a single question: how far can my dreams go before they become too unrealistic? As a Piscean dreamer, I'm always hoping for and imagining things that aren't realistic. In fact, I was rereading my natal chart yesterday, in which it accurately noted: "she is happy in her imaginary world, and thus is happy nowhere, because she can never find her ideal world - thus causing a lot of change, instability, and disquiet." 

by Ioneek @ deviantART

You know what I want? No more school, for starters. I want to work by myself. I want to create things. I want to produce art and write lots of novels. I want to teach others about themselves. I want to be spiritually involved. I want a house filled with various culture-themed objects. I want a private garden. I want to live near mountains or water. I want my novels to become film. I want to become crafty and make things, too. I want to eat well and take care of my body with natural products. I want to see the beauty of earth, and meet lots of high-vibe people. I want to live simply.

Is that unrealistic? If I demanded it well enough, would I be able to manifest that life and live comfortably, with some extra to spare? This is why I'm unhappy. Because I don't know. And I'm not sure whether this whole "new perspective" thing was supposed to encourage me to chase those dreams. Right now, I'm on a path I don't enjoy. And I'm afraid to talk to my parents about it (especially my dad), because I know he won't approve. He'll want me to be realistic, and pursue something that will guarantee me a secure, decent-paying job. But following that path will make me unhappy. Generally, I don't want to be a film artist. I don't want to work under someone else's conditions. I want to work for myself if I have to pay bills and sustain myself.

Now, even if my parents did accept my decision, and I dropped out of school, there would still be living conditions to consider. I would have to be making an income whether I lived alone or with my parents. I wouldn't know where to start, either - if I should open a spirit art business, or work at my favorite spiritual shop, etc. And you know... it's sad to me, because I sit here reading this, and I think: "this is too unrealistic." But is it, really? If I put enough energy into manifesting this seriously, would it happen just as I expected/planned? I really do believe this in my heart, but I have to be able to sustain myself. 

Ugh. You hear all those empowering quotes about manifesting your ideal life. Maybe I should give it a shot... put all my energy into it. That way, it  HAS to happen. 

And now I have no desire to work on my homework, even if it's not that much... pah.

Finny x