A Storm of Doubt

"Relinquish" - by greeneyedsiren @ deviantART

The doubt begins.

I talked to J today for her opinion, and she agreed that it may be in my best interest to take a year off. She gave me a bit more enthusiasm, but once my mom called on me, asking to know if I'd done anything "stupid," I began feeling doubtful.

I probably shouldn't be concerned, since times of doubt are always some sort of test, but it really got me thinking. I've always been someone who dwells on the future, so naturally, that's what I was thinking about today. What if I'm enthusiastic about this path of mine now, while I'm young, but that interest changes when I'm older? While it's true that this has been something I've wanted for years (the writing/art bits, not the spirit art bit - that began a year ago when I actually started the activity), I can't help but worry that I'll go in a completely different direction in the future. 

I know I want to write for the rest of my life. I have many stories built up in me, and I'm approaching them Tolkien-style: taking the time to sculpt them into the best stories they can be before actually publishing them. I also know I want to create art for the rest of my life. That's a given. But will I be interested in spirit art in the future? 

It's easy to answer that with "yes," because I like to think that I'll get loads better, and will have many clients to support me financially. However, I can't foresee the future. I don't know how my truth/perspective will change, and if it will ultimately bring me away from spirit art toward something different. If that does happen, I can only expect to be brought to something that is just as awesome, but equally able to give me the support I need.

But of course in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should actually listen to my parents' advice and finish school. Why? Because I'm afraid now. I'm afraid that they're right and I'm wrong and that I won't be successful for one reason or another. I would say that it doesn't matter, because at least I'd be happy, but I still need to support myself. 

Ugh. I want to slam my head against a brick wall. My mom's right - I've already mentally "checked out" of school, because I firmly believed I'd follow this ideal path. But I'm already having doubts and worries. And now I'm thinking that I should at least finish sophomore year (it'd be easier when it came to loans and stuff, I believe), but man, that's going to take an arseload of motivation... I can say for sure that I'm not going to go through with my storyboarding minor if that's the case, though. I don't want to have to worry about more classes and money. 

Registration for winter quarter opens in a few days. If I go, I'd have a two-day week. My first class would be at 11, and I'd stay until 7:30 PM. That would put me home at 8 PM. I do NOT want an evening class, but I don't really have a choice. 

I think I should stew on this. I don't want this doubt to affect my manifestation, so I will continue with my meditations and whatnot as planned. I also need to keep on top of my health, because I don't want this negative energy getting me sick during the last few weeks of school. But I'm hoping that I'll receive a bit more guidance on this issue. Because yes - building a stable life on an unstable income is risky and unrealistic, and I need to examine all my options in-depth before I completely throw myself out of school... as much as I hate it.

Almost 4 PM and I still haven't touched my illustration homework.
 
Finny