First Steps to Healing

"Lightweaver" - by Alex Grey

Been a slow, moody, down day. I'm trying hard not to overreact or freak out with all the stuff dwelling in my psyche right now. Between the insecurities and last-minute panic regarding what to do with my life... well, it's all been keeping me quite occupied.

I realized a little while back that I have no idea how to begin healing. I've found many issues, but how the hell do I fix them? There's more to the healing process than simply identifying issues and erasing them from your awareness. I know it's not something I can do overnight, or even in the course of a couple weeks. I think this is perhaps one of the reasons why people prefer to remain wounded. I know that people tend to connect over their wounds (or in some cases, draw attention because of them), but it makes me wonder how many people in the world legitimately know how to heal. Probably why most of us resort to medications and therapists and, Shiva forbid, addictions. Of course, I'm not hating on therapists. I think they can be helpful for many situations. It just can be difficult for some to see a therapist - especially if they're of a spiritual mindset. I'm mainly talking about the ability to self-heal, though. Most of us don't know how to heal ourselves, so we rely on others to do it for us (the same can be said about religion, now that I think about it, but that's a different topic entirely). 

As I said, I'm one of the majority. I've never really healed anything in my youth. I just held on to all my past hurts until they resurfaced years later. I'm unfamiliar with the healing process. I know it has its highs and lows. I was feeling really great late last night until I woke up this morning and experienced an insecurity trigger. 

So as a first step, I called upon my old friend El'azar and asked him for the first three steps I should take in approaching my healing process:

The first step is represented by Knight of Arrows - Hawk. I've always associated birds of prey with keen sight, or seeing things from a larger perspective. It's been hard for me to see the bird's eye view these days, what with so much clouding my vision. As a totem, Hawk can support you in seeing through layers of doubt and uncertainty to the heart of the matter... which I definitely need. As an event or happening, Hawk represents a speedy turn of events (true), a decision that needs to be made (sorta true), a revolutionary inspiration (also sorta true) and a violent reaction (true). Hawk asks the question: in the depths of doubt, what do you hold to strongly? What do you need to stand up for? Where might you be wrongly informed?

That last question stands out the most, since a lot of the pain I've suffered (at least with Lor) stemmed from miscommunication and misinterpretation. That's not exactly being "wrongly informed," but it's along the same line. As for doubt, I never really thought about what I hold on to. It's kind of difficult to say. Affection? Love? The need for attention? The hope that things will all turn around? Probably a mix of all of these things, and more. 

The second step is represented by Page of Stones - Lynx. Here, I'm being asked to pay attention to the physical realm, and be aware of the effects generated by everything I do. A strain of wildness and lack of forethought can sometimes hamper my forward passage, but careful consideration redresses the balance. I have to remember that I'm learning the ropes with this whole healing business (and even relationship business). Lynx asks: what data do I need to make a good decision? What can I learn from this situation? What needs my dedicated commitment? 

The third step is represented by Page of Arrows - Wren. Study and application brings wisdom and understanding which can be applied to most situations. My youth and determination will carry me forward, and my skills will bring me to a dynamic realization. Wren calls on me to have fortitude, determination, and daring through my difficulties, and to think the whole plan through. How can I engage flexibly with my situation? What gives me the necessary bravado to face this challenge? What do I need to learn to overcome? What is the mystery at the heart of the matter? 

Some meditation will probably be required for this. I'll come back to this post tomorrow when I'm not as distracted.