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| by hoooook @ deviantART |
He told me he has no reason to lie, and if that's true, then that would mean most of my intuitive impressions are wrong. I admit that scares me a little since intuition is my strongest tool.
I just receive a very strong impression from him that he's "putting me on ice" because as time passes, he's finding that I'm not what he wants. I'm willing to accept that this may be a fear, but I've observed his behavior these past couple weeks and noticed that he's changed. Perhaps this is a part of the whole leaving-honeymoon-phase thing, but he honestly does seem a bit more distant.
It's funny how we cling to people even if one or both of us thinks we're not suitable for each other. I mean, I love Lor, and I'm interested in learning all about him, but now that these thoughts of him losing interest are floating around in my head, I find myself worrying and clinging a bit more. It leads to a lot of disorientation as I wonder, "can I change? Should I change? What parts of me does he like most, and how can I use that to keep him around? What doesn't he like?"
This is my first real relationship, and I was hoping it would last longer than a couple months. Of course, all of this could just be me freaking out and being oversensitive. Still.. I seem to be the one making the most effort here, and that's a little disheartening. He says enough to keep me around. But if talking is the only thing we can do, then I need him to talk to me - not just tell me what I want to hear when my insecurities throw a tantrum.
I realize it's a vicious circle. I cling to him because he gives me the love and attention that I have trouble giving myself, but I fear getting to that state of self-love because I feel like that would give him permission to neglect me (i.e. "Oh, she loves herself? Now I can give her less attention and affection"). Then, of course, I think: if that's really what he ends up doing, then he's not worth it, and I should move on. I deserve better. But thinking that leads to: I can't move on - he's my first real partner and I want to give him a chance! He's been so sweet to me! And it starts all over again.
I think more than anything right now, I need time and patience. He's got more going on in his life right now than I do, and I have to trust him when he says he loves me and cares. There have been plenty of questionable moments, but I'm led to believe that they were simply moments of misinterpretation or exaggeration based on my fears and insecurities. There's no way to know for certain whether he's really telling the truth, but that's where trust comes into play.
It's going to take time, and a lot of blog posts, but I'm going to heal, dang it. I'm going to resolve this.
Ok Little Sis, I'm going to butt in this time ;) Remember when I mentioned those two newsletters I've subscribed to for dating advise, one from a guy's perspective and one from a woman's perspective? Well, you're doing exactly what both of them say not to do.
ReplyDeleteGuys are actually more attracted to women who do love themselves and are secure with who they are. They want a woman who's confident enough in herself that they are not constantly creating all kinds of negative drama that will eventually push them away. And by negative drama, I mean the whole mistrust, clingy, naggy, obsessive behavior that a lot of women without self confidence display. That kind of behavior gets old pretty fast, and usually leads to the guy backing off for good because he'll start to feel like it's ALWAYS going to be that way.
Guys are actually pretty simplistic. And a emotionally mature guy wants to please the woman he's with. He wants her to THINK he's the greatest guy out there (it kinda strokes their male ego ;) ). But if all the girl does is complain about how bad he's treating her, he will take it as a strike against his ego. He'll feel like it's an attack against him personally, instead of how it the woman actually intends it to be either a cry for "help/love/frustration/attention". And what happens when people, especially men, feel like their being attacked? I'm sure you know that it usually doesn't end very well.
You have to remember, the male brain does not think the same way that a female brain thinks. And from what I gather, they seem to be polar opposites. So it's no wonder men and women have such a hard time understanding each other.
Now, what does work on a man, actually IS loving yourself enough not to put up with poor treatment. This is where something will snap inside the guy and make him think, "Oh crap, I'm not doing as good of a job as I thought I was. I better start doing better before I lose her." But the trick is, letting him know you're not happy about things WITHOUT making it sound like a personal attack against him. And how you do that is make it all about you and your feelings. Don't even mention what he did or didn't do directly. Keep it all about how what ever it is makes you feel. I'll give you an example.
ReplyDeleteDON'T
"You said you were going to call me last night and you didn't. You kept me waiting for hours for that phone call."
DO
"You know, I really love talking to you. And I was so excited last night thinking we were going to get to talk to each other. But it made me feel so sad when that didn't happen."
Take out all that accusatory statements and make it a more "touchy feely" emotion.
The other thing these newsletters say to do is to assert yourself in an honest way by saying something like: "You know, this just isn't working out for me. I understand that you have your obligations. But I need someone who can treat me as if I'm just as important as the other things they have going on. I don't want to lose what we have. What do you think should happen to make things better?"
For the assertive approach, they say to always get the opinion of the guy so he can figure out a way to make things better, so that he can look like a great guy in your eyes again. Cause remember, guys want women to think they are great.
Another added bonus to the assertive approach is that it makes the guy realize that this is a confident woman who knows what she wants, so I better step up to the plate so I don't lose her.
But along with guys wanting a confident, self loving woman, they also want a "cool girl" who can be flexible, fun and sexy. Someone who will cut them just enough slack so they can improve their behavior. So yeah, you do still need to have patience with them. But also be strong enough to not let them run over your feelings, simply because they weren't aware of how it was effecting you.
Hope that all made enough sense to help with your confusion on what to do :)
Heh. Oh gosh.
DeleteThe thing is, though... I'm already doing what this advice suggests. What I talk about here is just my fears and insecurities... writing them down helps me become truly aware of them, and is a step toward resolving them. I never talk to Lor in an accusatory way (only once, because he failed to tell me something that I felt was pretty darn important, haha). In fact, I'm fully aware that the source of my pain is ME, not him. I tell him that, too, but I still share those feelings so he knows what I'm struggling with.
Now, I do think that part of the problem here is that I'm dwelling *too* much on that insecurity, but lately, I've been feeling better about it, so I'm thinking it's just all part of the process. It's a bit difficult to completely erase a whole life's worth of insecurity, after all.
I appreciate the advice, though!