Lack of Communication

by Alex Grey

Another restless night. This time, though, I spent an hour listening to my favorite Shiva meditations - it's been a while since I last listened to them. It was nice to feel the Shiva energy around again.. in a way I felt like he was helping me destroy the issues I've been working on.

I've chosen to take a few steps away from Lor right now. Yesterday, I made the realization that I've been feeling a little neglected ever since Lor left home for a week. It seems like the moment I found out he was leaving to go hang out with GW friends, he was fixated on other things and didn't appear as interested in hanging out with me. When we talk on Skype, it's almost always me pulling the conversation along. If I don't bring up something to talk about, we just sit in silence, and even though Lor says he doesn't mind the silence, I still feel like he's been showing less interest in spending time with me. He was recently able to get GW working again, and so he's now splitting half his attention between that (and online friends) and me. He says he can multitask and that he loves listening to me, but I'm not sure I buy it. Often times when I notice his attention focused more on GW, I'll tell him that I'll just leave him alone to do his thing. In the recent past, whenever I would say this, he would try and get me to stay. But it seems now, he's perfectly okay with setting me to the side to focus on his game and guild and roleplay. 

I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. Fortunately, I've reached a point in my healing where I've begun to tolerate it. I shrug it off and think, "I guess he'll talk to me when he really needs to." I find myself less clingy and needy these days. But I'm still a little bothered by his divided attention. If this wasn't a long-distance relationship, I don't think this would be a problem. I'd be more than words on a screen to respond to. 

So I asked him yesterday to tell me what was going on... and he ended up sharing a lot of things that he had never mentioned before: mainly his feelings regarding personal life stuff, and fears over our relationship (he admitted being afraid of not being alone). I asked him why he wouldn't tell me this before, and he just said he needed to come to terms with it.

I told him I understand that, but it still frustrates me because it leaves me in the dark. People aren't lying when they say communication is key in a relationship. I've been sitting here wondering what I'm doing wrong - whether I'm becoming boring to him, or not a priority. And now I feel selfish, because I want to be his priority (well, after himself, of course). I assumed by now he would be highly aware of my fears and insecurities, and as such, would let me know when things weighing on his mind would affect our communication. But instead, he agitates those fears by withholding information, and therefore makes things worse.

So that's something else to address in myself. I guess this all stems from trust. I still haven't reached the point where I fully trust him. I will say, though, that even though this process is frustrating as hell, it's been highly interesting to watch the cause-and-effect, as well as the interaction between my archetypal energies. I've seen all four survival archetypes surface in our exchanges in the past couple of weeks, as well as Hero, who desperately wants to heal my issues NOW so that it can heal Lor's. Fascinating stuff.

As I mentioned earlier, I just decided on giving him some space. Clearly, he has other things he would rather focus his energy on right now, and I'm not going to selfishly request his undivided attention when he doesn't seem entirely willing to give it. I feel strong enough now to not need it 24/7, anyway. Even though it's a little tough, I think it may be a wise choice for now. Maybe it'll give him the time to reflect on what I mean to him, and whether I'm important enough to take priority over his in-game life. 

As a final remark: wow. It's really freaking cold outside. Apparently it felt like -5 when I woke up. Crazy stuff. Beyond fortunate to have a heater running almost non-stop.