A Pang of Frustration

"Afflatus" - by lusiusmalfoy @ deviantART

I start my day holding on to more pain and hurt. Hurrah.

Brother left some 20 minutes ago. As soon as he drove down the street, my mom says to me, "I miss him already." I made the mistake of telling her how I really felt: that he was draining, and that even though I love the kid, I, as an introvert, don't want to hear him constantly brag and belittle. She, of course, made it seem like I was the only one who had a problem with it; after all, he's her precious firstborn. I tell her he makes me feel like crap, and she scoffs, "I don't think that's what he's trying to do."

I was outraged at the lack of care she showed toward me. It just reinforced all the things I've been thinking these past years about being shadowed by my brother. I don't shine as brightly as my brother, and I don't think I ever will, because I'm not going to live up to what my parents want me to be. 

...Shiva. I can't wait to get out of this house. Would it be wrong of me to shut them out of my life? If I'm not respected, or given the compassion that I so desperately crave from these people, is it so wrong to want to have nothing to do with them? I'm just a joke now, apparently. A burden. A trash can to spill all your junk into. 

I don't want to "prove" anything to them anymore. I just want to get away and exclude them from my life, because at this point, I don't think they deserve to know about it. But of course, there are steps I need to take before I can do that. I need to prepare for a reliable career and figure out where I'm going to go from there.

I decided to pursue UMS again - the University of Metaphysical Sciences. I actually found a similar college that has a campus location in Florida (as well as long-distance learning), but I don't resonate with it as well. I figured it would fit with my dad's "school or military" ultimatum. I just hope I have the words to persuade him if he isn't automatically on board. 

It's a solid decision, I think. A little over $2,000 for three degrees (bachelor's, master's, doctorate) plus course materials. It would give me the certification and background I need for a career in metaphysics, and would probably put my parents' minds a little more at ease, even if they don't think metaphysics is a well-paying domain. It would take me about a year to complete, which is about the time I have before dad returns from overseas and begins packing away the house. But by then, it could be possible that I have an actual job. I could apply for something when I have my bachelor's or master's, and perhaps earn up enough cash to get me started in life. 

It's better than anything else I have planned. I'm expecting to sit down with dad sometime in the middle of the week to respond to his ultimatum, and I'm thinking I can look proactive by gathering all the information I need on UMS before then. 

...Yeah, that's me totally trying to prove something, isn't it? Oh well. I guess I'll just try and make them happy while I'm in contact with them. After that, adios. 

Guess I'll try to be a little productive today, although that'll be hard to do in my current mental state. Plus, it's foggy, cold, and overcast. Hmph.