For years now, I always prided myself with being independent, responsible, and in touch with my masculine side. I never really considered myself submissive to anyone or anything - nor did I consider myself overly feminine. I resonated well with aspects in both masculinity and femininity, so I always assumed I was rather balanced in this area.
And perhaps I was. But when I started seeing Lor, something interesting began to happen. A new side of me began to emerge: the submissive female. This caught me entirely off guard - especially since I'm a bit of a feminist (mostly with mentality; I admit I don't actively vocalize my feminist self). I always loathed the idea of a man not seeing a woman as an equal, or expressing dominance over her... seeing her as property. But this new submissive female in me began to arise - particularly after Lor admitted being dominant.
As I mentioned before, Lor is pretty good at sensing various types of energy; he can even sense the flow of breath from afar at times. He claims he's not as good as he was a few years back, but I'm still impressed by him and I'm expecting his gift to return as he heals his past issues and spends time with a spiritually aligned partner (me). We're both pretty good at sensing each other's energy. I can usually tell when he's calm or tired or even lusty (ha). But in general, I can literally feel his dominance - his "alpha" nature. It's not an abusive energy at all. It might be a little firm at times, but only because it cares.
The surprising thing? I'm actually drawn to that energy. Me. The one who prided herself with being independent and even a little dominant herself. Lor and I have come to the conclusion that this has been a dormant aspect of myself. But what interests me is that even though it's been largely dormant, I've noticed it peek out at times over the past several years. I never knew exactly what it was, though, because it doesn't simply manifest as the thought: "I want a dominant figure to take care of me." It mainly manifests through certain behaviors, gestures, and interests.
Exploring this submissive side of me has been quite an adventure. Lor and I explore it - as well as his dominant, "animalistic" energy - often, to see how well the two complement each other. And so far... they resonate quite closely, like they belong together.
Learning about the dynamics of these two forces has helped me further understand myself and Lor. Lor literally awakened a side of me that I wasn't aware of, and in turn, helped me learn and utilize a new facet of my being. I've come to realize that relationships based on the dominant/submissive dynamics aren't abusive at all. They're entirely consensual, and they're actually quite beautiful, because at the center of it all is trust. It's a big step in trust to be able to rely on a dominant partner in numerous areas - to become dependent on someone. You have to trust that they are willing and ready to take care of all your needs. You have to trust that they care for you and your happiness.
There have been a few speed bumps in this exploration, but it's only helped me identify fears and insecurities. It's also helped me with my intuitive sense. So with that in mind, I'm beginning to embrace this submissive feminine energy. I want to see where it leads me.
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