Trees in Winter

by haimeart @ deviantART

I came across a quote on tumblr from poet Jeffrey McDaniel that I really enjoyed: 

"I realize there's something incredibly honest about trees in winter - how they're experts at letting things go."

It got me thinking: perhaps I should be more in tune with nature and start thinking about letting go as a first step in this self-love campaign. A lot of the things I feel insecure about stem from past hurts involving people I've come into contact with: be it old peers or acquaintances from school, family, or strangers I've encountered over the internet. As I mentioned before, I've basically allowed the comments and perspectives of others to prevent me from fully loving myself. I've allowed myself to believe that I'm not worthy of much - and that's a terrible view to have. 

So what can I let go of? I think the most significant of "junk" is from my own family: the teasing from my brother and father, the lecturing from my parents and brother, my mother's disappointment, my brother's prideful boasting, and so on. I keep all that clutter deep in my psyche - perhaps even my energy - because after years and years of this, I've allowed it to basically shape my image. If I act "out-of-character" in my family, I get called out. My immediate family is used to me being a certain way: the shy, antisocial introvert who wants nothing more than solitude - and to spite those who don't give it to her. Ironically enough, though, it was my family's words and actions that created this bitter "phantasm" they think they know so well. 

It's hard to let go, though, when my family keeps adding on more to hold on to. Having my brother over is a perfect example. I'm still holding on to my family's negativity from the past... yet whenever my brother comes over, he adds on more because I resist him. So then, it seems I have two options: to engage in a continual process of holding on and letting go, or to simply not resist. I feel the latter can be quite detrimental, though - even in less severe cases, such as with my brother. My brother doesn't abuse or harm me; he simply degrades me with a lot of teasing, and when I don't show an interest in his company, he takes it personally and tries to spite me whenever he has the chance. I get the impression that this is his self-defense mechanism - it's kind of similar to mine. Rather than show weakness, he tries to exert superiority by making me feel inferior. He's always spouting his nonsense about how perfect and lovable he is, and how his life is amazing. And even though it has nothing to do with me, I still get angry listening to him, and I hold on to that anger until it reaches the point where I don't want to see him. 

I think the art of letting go is a form of achieving inner peace, and as such, is very similar to the art of balance. Balance is not something you achieve once for the rest of your life. There is a conscious effort to remain in balance, just as there is a conscious effort to remain at peace. Perhaps letting go is only a challenge now because I don't have much experience with it. I've held on to all this nasty stuff over the years and pushed it down deep where I wouldn't have to face it. But like trees in winter, I need to become an expert at letting go. Because only when I let go will I be able to make room for newer, brighter, healthier leaves.