Home

Whew. Finally home. Arrived about an hour ago... I still feel like I'm swaying and bouncing. Johann-Pierre did very well on the road; he's a nice road trip car, but now he's full of Louisiana dirt and coated with bugs.

Still getting settled in... I'm just really happy to be home. It wasn't a spectacular Thanksgiving but it was still nice to see everyone. My only problem is: every time we go to Louisiana, I feel more and more insignificant. Especially now in the past year, because my brother doesn't live with us, which means the family doesn't see him as much. So whenever he comes down, he becomes the "star" of the visit.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I feel so insignificant compared to my brother. I feel like I've lived in his shadow my whole life. I love the guy - I really do. However, it's so obvious that my parents and relatives adore him a lot more  than me. He's an extravert, for starters. He's warm and sociable and loves to make you laugh with his good sense of humor. Then, of course, he's the oldest. On top of that, he has my mother's good looks and is following in our dad's footsteps by joining the Coast Guard. He's independent and rarely relies on our parents at all these days... just a bit when he was first getting started. So yes. He's the "golden child" of our family. 

Who am I compared to him? A big fat introvert who hides in the corner away from people. Every time we visit family in Louisiana, my relatives only talk to me about two things: school and my art. "How's school going?" or "How's the art coming along?" And then, of course, because of that, I'm often asked for free art. So in comparison, the only worth I seem to have is that of academic and artistic achievement. I'm loved for what I can do... not who I am as a person.

It hurts. It really does. I was practically miserable this whole trip because of it. (By the way - Mercury didn't screw up our travels... it screwed up communication. But I'll get to that in a moment.) I would sit and observe how people reacted to my brother in the room. And what made it worse is that because of how things are over there now - what with my grandpa having a stroke a while back - there's a lot of just "sitting around." We sit around at the main house/trailer and watch TV with the others, idly chatting and eating until it's time to shower and sleep (This time, we stayed at a hotel, because the main trailer was already filled with five people. There was no room for us. But in my opinion, this was a good thing). And um. I don't do "idly sitting and chatting" well. Because no one's interested in me, and I'm not the type to just start up random conversations about meaningless things. So what did I do? I kept myself occupied. I brought my sketchbook and a couple of my Crucible notebooks and passed the time. 

I know this seems a little childish. I don't know. Maybe it is. But like I said: it's not a pleasant feeling to know that everyone adores (and prefers) my brother's presence. And what put things a little more into perspective was when I observed how my brother would crack jokes during the car ride down and back, and my dad would laugh. This hurt. Why? Because I would make similar jokes - you know, inside jokes and references to past amusing moments - and my dad would give me the "fake laugh..." Or he wouldn't laugh at all. But when my brother made similar jokes/references, my dad would be genuinely amused. 

To make things even worse on this trip... I was ignored. Many times. Half of those times related to one big event: me speaking my mind to my dad. 

Here's the deal with my dad: he's a very dominating and controlling man. He likes to control everything, including his family, and especially my mom and I, being female. He likes to control his territory and make sure that we are all playing our roles and doing whatever it is that pleases him. Now... this has become increasingly annoying for me in recent years - especially since incorporating spirituality into my outlook. However, I actually don't spend long periods of time around my dad, so it was easy for me to shrug him and his personality off. 

But, of course, being stuck with him face-to-face for four days straight was a little... rough for me. I tried to put up with it. I really did. I went along with it and tried to paste a smile to my face, but Mercury got the best of me. I was feeling low one day because my introvert energy level was drained.. so my face read: "I'm not happy to be here right now." Dad obviously made his usual remarks about my expression, and I, over our sushi lunch, finally broke down and spoke my mind. I told him I was sick of him and his personality - told him I was getting tired of it and that he was draining me. 

And guess what happens? My dad ends up getting pissed, which results in my mom becoming stressed. And throughout the trip - whenever my dad wasn't in the room/car, she would say: "I'm all stressed. I don't like when he's pissed," and it was so obvious she was saying: "Thanks a lot, Evaah, for getting your dad pissed." 

So yes. I was ignored a lot... even by my brother, although my brother tends to ignore me when he knows it'll make me look stupid or inferior. Yes, it's true. My brother does this - I've observed it over many years. I'm not the "ideal sister," so many conversations he has with me are usually based on whether someone better suited for conversation is in the room. And in order to make himself look superior, he will deliberately ignore me and pretend that I'm not available for conversation because apparently, I'm not worth his time unless he has no better option available.

One example was from the hotel room last night. I was trying to connect to the hotel WiFi. My mom was in the bathroom and my brother and dad were each lying on their respective beds... dad playing a game on his laptop and my brother doing something on his phone (which, of course, he kept bragging about throughout his time here - along with his new car). I didn't know the username/password, so I stood there and asked the boys: "Has anyone tried connecting to the internet yet?"

Given the circumstances of that moment, it should've been obvious I was talking to them. But they both ignored me - dad, because he was pissed at me for speaking my mind, and my brother, because he wanted to make me feel insignificant. 

Fortunately, my dad isn't violent when he's angry. He tends to silently seethe over things, like me, although it's obvious he's pissed (he gets all quiet). His anger, however, turns into stressed behavior, which is why he stressed my mom out, too.

So yeah. It wasn't an entirely pleasant trip. I was miserable because I felt even more like an outcast; my family was silently hating on me for getting my dad pissed; relatives had no interest in me.. and oh. I nearly got us into a car accident early Wednesday when making the drive down because my family stresses me out when I'm trying to drive and make hasty decisions. 

To be honest, I could do without my family. I keep thinking back to mid October, when I was wanting out of school. I had had that big "talk" with my parents about my desire and I remember the day after I was so miserable that I didn't want to talk to them, so I stayed up in my room for long hours, and my mom called up the stairs - in a kind of sardonic, mocking tone - "You didn't do something stupid, did you?" Stupid as in "kill yourself."

Something about the way she said it upsets a small but deep part of me. Kind of like she was suggesting that I'm the type of person who would do such a thing, which only emphasizes the truth: that my family doesn't know me as much as they think they do. They still project the old Evaah onto me and it sucks, man. It really sucks. In fact, on the drive back to Georgia, I kept thinking about how happy I would be living on the other side of the country... California or someplace similar with nice scenery and mountains... and how I would be free of these people who don't really feel like my family at all. The only person in my entire family who I feel close to is my godfather. I'm also a bit fond of a male cousin who also happens to share the same godfather. 

Ugh. I just needed to let that out. I've been stewing on this misery for the past four days and needed to vent it somewhere. Now that I'm home in my own room with my own bed, I'm beginning to feel happy again. I think I'll be fully recharged once my brother leaves tomorrow night. But he'll be back in a few weeks for Yule, so... meh.

Speaking of bed, I'm falling asleep here because I've had to share a springy queen hotel mattress with my inconsiderate brother (he likes to occupy the most space in bed) for the past few nights. I do have a lot more to jot down though, because this trip allowed me to do a lot of thinking about things. 

Will post again tomorrow.

Evaah