We Dissolve in Stars

"Endless" - by sandara @ deviantART

Another quarter down.
I still can't believe it. I feel like I should have crap to do over the weekend, but nope... it's all done. Now I have a month and a half to chill and catch up on all the things I've been waiting to do: personal art and projects, spirit art, gaming, adding to my journals, cleaning my room, etc.

And you know what's even better? I told myself today: "I have an A on my final test today, and therefore, I have an A in math." So I went in a few hours ago, took the test, and got an A on it. But that A pushed me to an 89.

What does my professor do? She starts filtering through my past assignments and tests, trying to find something to boost my grade up to an A. She ends up giving me one problem about similar triangles and tells me to solve it.

But you know the seriously awesome thing? I wouldn't have remembered how to solve it if she hadn't told me one little thing: "You have to use proportions."

I solved it, got it right, and my grade was pushed up to an A. The universe, man. I'm so freaking grateful. And of course, I get home and find that my mom bought sushi for me to celebrate (although I originally predicted she would do that). 

So now I'm sitting here, chilling with a bottle of blueberry ramune, with my favorite cream cheese rolls in the fridge, no homework to do, and a variety of activities all awaiting my attention. I am feeling very, very good right now. 

Adonai reminded me of something pretty significant this morning when I was writing about auras:

"Not everything in the world must be defined and applied to your perspective. Find peace in the inability to apply an area of existence to your truth. After all, what's the point of trying to define something that you haven't had much personal experience with? Express curiosity all you want... marvel at the sight of the unknown, but don't try to define it when you've barely had a taste."

That's my problem. I admit it. When I see something that I can't define to apply to my perspective, I get frustrated, and even a bit humiliated, because I think: "How valid is my truth when I can't apply all aspects of existence to it?" I feel like because I can't figure out something to fit to my perspective, it can't be considered accurate. But my god, that's horribly wrong, and even more embarrassing than not being able to define something. I keep forgetting that it's OKAY to not be able to define things. Yes, I'm a seeker of knowledge and experiences, but that doesn't mean I should try to make sense of everything - especially when I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing it fully.

It's OKAY to just sit and observe! You can still admire the beauty of a flower without knowing its name. I need to let go. If I'm meant to know about something in depth, it'll come to me at that proper time, and then I can define it for myself to my heart's content. That's probably one of my biggest "flaws" - definition. Of course, I'm not defining for the sake of others, so it's not a huge deal. It doesn't exactly interfere with my perception of the world, either. But I tend to take on more than I can chew, and sometimes, I end up choking because I swallowed too soon, if that makes any sense. I didn't take the time to enjoy the flavor. 

You know, maybe that's my problem! Impatience. Indeed, by nature, I'm a busybody. If I'm not doing something productive, I tend to get bored and depressed. I feel like I need to be doing something at all times. But how can you fully enjoy life when you don't take the time to enjoy the "quiet" moments? I keep forgetting "creative silence" is a blessing. It reminds me of something EA told me back at the Burrow:

"My friend said to me the other day, 'In dance, standing still is a movement, too.' When I get blocked creatively, I think about that. You are being creatively productive even when you are not 'producing' writing or art.You are collecting images and stories and thoughts that will fuel your creative fires later. Music wouldn't be music without the spaces - the silences in-between the notes that let us hear them as distinct."

And what's oh-so-not-coincidental is that this "impatience" applies to other areas of my life, too. Writing, of course, but also in regard to my career ideas. I like to be proactive, but I just realized yesterday that one year and 100 readings is nothing compared to the experience and work of the other psychic artists out there. In some recent research, I came across a few of these artists who have not only been doing their thing for many years, but who have done this over a thousand times. I didn't really see the big picture, and now I have everything in perspective... why I don't receive that many details, etc. I need time and practice. I was naive to think I'd be amazing in one short year. 

That doesn't discourage me, though. In fact, while I was in the shower, I came up with a brilliant new way to create even better readings for people - which I'll mention at my art blog.

At least this explains the cards I've been getting: Seere, Avnas, Hera, Andras and Immovable Himalayas... I just needed some time to see the bigger picture. And now I think I'm beginning to understand why Shiva's around again. But I need to sit and observe this some more.

I now leave you with a beautiful tune from Immediate Music (I highly recommend it, even if you have to sit through an ad):

Evaah