So... I recently had company over. Brother, godfather, and grandfather. They wanted to see dad one more time before he heads overseas (assuming he's actually going; we still don't know for sure yet). Of course, this was crappy for me, because it meant one big thing: no solitude. Or, solitude, but my whole family thinking I'm antisocial and bitter.
It was rough. After my last rant, my feelings worsened as my brother and parents kept reminding me how I'm so different from them. My brother would lay around on my bed, criticizing or commenting on the way I play GW2, or sticking his phone in my face to show me all the things he was reading on Reddit. Then, when I made it clear I wanted alone time, he would say I have "attitude." Rinse and repeat each day for about a week.
I'm always the one who has to compensate. Evaah can't be left alone to be an introvert; no, she has to step up and be an extravert and drain her energy in the process. And for what purpose? To let my family criticize, make fun of, or ignore me? The most I did was eat with them and bid them good morning/night. For the rest of the time they were here, I was sequestered away in my room, because they just don't seem to get it.
It's always the same thing every time they visit. Well, mainly every time my brother visits... but still. I know how it works, and I want nothing to do with it. I refuse to drain myself just to make my family happy.
So this past week has been a bit emotionally taxing. Fortunately I had a few GW friends to keep me sane. But it all tied in to my feelings of loneliness, of being another body in the room, of acquiring interest only when I have something useful to offer, etc. And I had a realization...
Does all this have to do with the way I see myself? After reading Tri and Lulu's kind replies to my rant, and hearing myself talk to a couple of GW2 buddies, well... it made me realize just how insecure I am. But that insecurity stems from years of being treated like a shadow, a number, a body... years of being ignored by my family and compared to my brother.
Years of dealing with people who never wanted to spend energy on someone as introverted as I am.
I've allowed myself to believe that all these people are right: that I am all the things listed above. And because of that, I often find myself in these situations, where I feel extreme loneliness.
I never wanted to be "that chick" who constantly whines, complains, mourns, and rants. But you know what? Even if I don't always feel like it, I'm just as human as anyone else, and it sickens me that humans have the capability to make each other feel like this. Here I am, working my tiny arse off to make people happy and comfortable... yet thanks to years of manifested Wounded Child archetype, I'm so insecure that I feel I don't deserve any kindness or consideration in return.
Wow. That sucks.
So... it looks like I have quite a project in front of me. I'm not quite sure how to begin. I'm sure Andromeda will have an answer soon enough, though.
Insecurity for the win.
Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not Little Sister, but I've always struggled with being an insecure introvert myself. Though from what I hear, it wasn't always like that. The story goes, that I used to be quite the extroverted little "Miss Priss". But as fate would have it, things like physical, mental and even sexual abuse from both adults and other children, starting around my preschool years, had made me pretty much change my whole personality overnight. I became a very easy target to pick on and things just kind of snowballed downhill from there. But all the while, I still knew that deep down on the inside, I was still that extroverted little girl who actually wanted to be around people and have lots of friends.
ReplyDeleteI know it's very tough to try and break out of the mold that other people have tried their best to stuff you into. And people who've never had to deal with tons of insecurities just don't seem to "get" what the "big deal" is all about. Just because they can shrug things off very easily, they assume that everyone should be able to. And if you can't, well then they're not going to waste their time on someone they only think is not worth it.
But the truth is, every single one of us IS worth the effort, regardless of how long it can take. But that is not to say, that it is solely up to others to help pull us up out of our insecurity hole. We each have to be willing to put in the effort to climb out of it, either by doing it all ourselves or meeting others half way. And even if no one else can see our worth, at least WE have to recognize that IT IS there inside of US.
Perhaps it mostly comes down to just how much do we actually want to be rid of our insecurities. Do they serve as some kind of security blanket to hide behind until we can feel brave enough to give them up for good? Or do we let our insecurities completely take over our lives and dictate how we should feel, regardless if other people are callous enough to contribute to our feeling insecure, or if it's just our fears of "every one is out to get me" beliefs?
Trust me, I've been every bit as insecure as the next insecure person, but it still comes down to how we chose to react to all the bad things that either just happen to us, or how things make us feel. Are we going to chose to let it impact us in a negative way? A neutral way? Or turn it around so that it can help to empower us in a positive way? The choice is ultimately ours to make.
Love you, Little Sis :)