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| by junedays @ deviantART |
I wish I could see myself from someone else's eyes. Am I really that off-putting? Am I just another body in the room to most people? What is it about me that encourages this? The introversion, my appearance, or something else?
I encountered a quote on tumblr a while back: "I've come to realize that the only people I need in my life are the ones who need me in theirs, even when I have nothing else to offer them but myself."
It made me think about the dynamics of my relationships with people - the give and take. I think I mentioned this a long while back, but I can't help but notice that a good percentage of people who are acquainted with me are either (A) wanting some kind of service like readings or art, or (B) only interested in my work, and not who I am as a human being. I find this incredibly depressing, and as such, it's been quite hard trying to make new friendships, because I work quite hard to get to know the other person, yet when I go to express myself, he or she seems to have little interest in me.
Is this the role I'm supposed to be playing here? The giver, not the taker? The listener, not the speaker? I'm already an introvert. Socializing drains me, and when I finally seek to connect to people, I'm always cast aside. I end up in the corner, trying to include myself, trying to "be social," and it never works.
What's the problem here, I wonder? I even assumed with the anonymity of the internet that I would be able to make decent friends, but it seems like unless I have something tangible or useful to offer, my presence is worthless. Whether it be in the form of intuitive readings, art, helpful information... if I can't help someone, I'm just another body in the damned room.
I'd really like to know what the story is behind this. Whether it be Shapeshifter archetype interfering, or just what the greater whole wants to experience... I need an answer. As often as I enjoy being alone, I still need friends - and friends who are willing to not just take from me all the time.
Sigh.
Not trying to be a smartass or anything. But I just thought making a public statement would help to ease your heavy thoughts, even if for just a little while.
ReplyDeleteSo hear this now little sister. I vow to you that I do care about you as a person. Not because of what you can do, or have done for me by way of your talents. But because you touch my heart in so many ways, just by being yourself.
You do remind me so very much of myself. We've shared a lot of the same struggles and triumphs in life. And even though we've never actually met in person, I do still consider you to be my little sister. And sometimes I do debate with myself over just how much I should or should not get too involved in the things you talk about, because I don't want to come off as seemingly pushing my beliefs on to you, or "mimicking" your experiences too much to the point of it only frustrating you.
I wish I had a magic wand that could instantly take away the pain of every single hard times you've had to face, and will continue to face in life. But if I did that, then how would that give you the opportunity to forge your own destiny? Sometimes it's true, that only we, as an individual, can choose to make our lives happy or sad regardless of what's going on moment by moment.
Perhaps I just feel like I have more confidence in your own ability to work things out for yourself and come to your own positive conclusions on the stressful situations that come up in your life. Cause really, it doesn't matter how well I've either handled, or mishandled my own similar situations. These are YOUR situations and only you can truly handle or mishandle them in the best way for you to learn from them at the time.
So, I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do sometimes. I don't know if you're looking for someone to just listen and let you vent. If you're looking for someone to encourage you with hopeful thoughts. Or if you're looking for someone to try and help you "fix" the problems you've been facing.
But what ever it is you are hoping to find, I do hope that you know that I DO care about you as a person, as a friend, as a sister. Even if I may not always show it all the time.
I hope you'll feel much better about your beautiful self. And realize your amazing self worth, even in a world where it may go unrecognized at times.
Love,
Your Big Sister Trieah
Let me tell you a story about when I first joined SF. I had no idea what I was doing or who anyone was and I was really trying to encourage myself to just post and get involved rather than thinking anything I had to say wasn't worth hearing. Anyway, I started to notice certain threads I enjoyed reading in the new posts list and one of them was called 'Evaah's Burrow'. Not that I knew who Evaah was although I saw they posted around a lot, I didn't even know that this Evaah person did any kind of art, I just liked reading the burrow for no apparent reason. In fact, once I figured out which section it was in, I'd go seek it out myself just to see if there was any new posts. I wanted to hear about you and what you had to say even though I had no idea who you were or anything. True story.
ReplyDeleteI still care about you a hell of a lot but I just keep my distance now because I never know what you want since I last emailed so I never quite know what to do. I'm not interested in what I can get from you, working on the spirit art is fun to see you do and help out with but it's just one of the only times we ever talk in real time so that's much more interesting for me. All I ever really wanted was to be your friend, to have a friend even. I'm not interested in what I can take from anyone because it's not my nature.
I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for but I hope you know there are people who care about you, just read Trieah's post to see that for yourself. But my advice is don't push yourself hard to be social because it really doesn't work. Just think about who you like, who you miss or want to be around and seek those people out right now, don't force yourself to make all these new friends if it's only serving to make you feel bad, it's not really worth the hassle.
On the shapeshifter aspect, you probably know yourself too well and see all these different facets of you but from an outsiders perspective, they don't see this chameleon person, they just see you – the essence of you.
Try not to worry and stress so much about things, it will help.
L x