Moving Shadows

by hoooook @ deviantART.com

Hmm. Feeling a bit... ruffled today. 

No dream recall, for starters. Still raining out, which I'm not thrilled about since I have to pick up my mom from the airport in a few hours. But there's something that's been on my mind for a week or two now and today, I had a trigger that made the feeling much worse. 

I might have to rant about this in my private blog, because I don't think it's suited for public viewing. But yes - I'm becoming increasingly agitated as the days go on. And what has me stunned is that I pulled two cards from two different decks for this situation and both of them had to do with sacred/divine union. Uhh. Yikes.

I'm trying to pull back from this agitation... to not get engaged in it, but rather just be aware of it. But this whole ordeal - plus something that happened in my daily life - made me realize something.

I'm a solitary being.

I would say: "I'm a god-awful friend," but I know that's not true. I genuinely care for a small group of friends. It's just.. when it comes down to actually going out and spending time with them, I feel a lot of resistance. I'm not good with that. I don't even know why. 

I could take this past weekend, for instance. A few weeks ago, my best friend and I had decided she would come over, spend the night, and come with me to the botanical gardens in town. But as the date drew nearer, I found myself thinking: "Oh, god, I don't want to spend time with her this weekend." 

Part of the reason, I think, is based on my ability to communicate or connect with someone. My best friend - I call her BB - we've been friends for about seven years. We had a few rough patches during our pre-teen years, but we dealt with it. BB is an extravert. One of my favorite qualities about her is that she's a big conversationalist. You can never have any awkward silences around her because she always finds something to talk about... and always something interesting, too. Not fluff. Because of this, we always made a great pair: she would talk, and I would listen (I tend to be a passive conversationalist), occasionally interposing my own opinions. 

Lately, though, I've been finding myself becoming more and more antisocial or introverted... especially when it comes to hanging out with someone beyond my own home. I only have one friend who is willing to even drive over to see me: BB. I'm happy that she cares enough about me to do that (and she even lives 30-35 minutes away), but at the same time, I'm beginning to find myself growing exhausted when it comes to maintaining friendships. I feel like I have to force myself to be social just so I don't come off as someone who doesn't give a shit. 

I don't think this is without its reasons, though. I find it interesting because I was watching Michele Knight's Pisces forecast for this week, and she mentioned that it was very much possible that we would have a sort of "revelation" about our friendships. 

A while back, I expressed my interest in attracting friends who matched my vibration. However, I never really kept up with that wish. It reminds me of something I keep seeing on tumblr: "Don't chase people. If they're meant to stay with you, they will." I... don't have many good friends. In fact, I'd say I only have four or five, and all of those - with the exception of BB - are online friends. Everyone else is an acquaintance, or someone who thinks he/she's a friend just so he/she can get free stuff off of me (yes, I do have one of those. And while I'm happy to help her, I don't necessarily consider her a "friend," since I know nothing about her other than the relationship/twin flame/soul mate stuff she comes to me with). 

So in short, I really only have 3 or so friends who are aligned with my vibration. I keep thinking: "I need to network. I need to be social." But do I, really? Should I have to force myself to find friends or support, or should I merely expect all the right ones to come to me based on my actions (and the universal story, I guess)? 

Pah. I don't know. It just sucks having to know that I'm going to have to force myself to be social with people at school for another two and a half years, all for the sake of networking and establishing my presence. 

No idea what I'm going to do today. A new class & job released today on MS: Kaiser. Hmm. I'm not a big fan of warriors, but the dude is related to dragons, so I think I'll have to give him a spin. And I still have five readings to complete, one of which changed her original spread to a question based on one of my least favorite topics. 

I decided to name the Eron novel Winterspell. I thought it was completely fitting. 

Anyway. I need to go vent in my private blog now.